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So this girl on Bumble asked for my last name...


SevenCity

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I matched with this girl on Bumble. We traded messages back and forth and she asked where I live, where I went to school (we are decades past college) and what I do for a living. Seemed pretty normal (though could be a gold digger).

 

I asked her out for a drink and she said yes for next week / end as she was just getting over a cold.

 

I asked for her number to work out the details and she responded with "What's your last name?".

 

My catfish meter pinged at that point. Up until now she didn't send up any red flags (was not particularly hot, knew the area well, no broken English) but did seem to have a lot of questions about me.

 

I politely told her I don't share my full name until I meet in person and confirm they are real.

 

I suppose she could be trying to find out if I'm married / ex con, but I think sharing a last name is a bit much (I don't even know the last name of the girl I've been dating for a month....I should probably ask lol).

 

So what's your take? Paranoid girl or catfish?

 

I should say I really don't care if it works out (only face pics so could be hiding something) but I am curious as this is the first time I've ever been asked for my last name. Maybe I'm paranoid but I feel like that is too much info to give to a stranger.

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No, it would be weird for a guy not to tell me his last name before a date.

 

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Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topical content ~6
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I don't know what that is...

 

A “catfish” is a person who creates a false online identity in the hopes of luring people into romantic relationships. Nev Schulman starred in the 2010 documentary, Catfish, about being drawn in by a woman online claiming to be someone she wasn't

 

Basically someone online who is representing themselves as someone else.
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I always offered my last name when I was OLDing. I did it because I wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible when we met. Why not set her up for success?

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I always offered my last name when I was OLDing. I did it because I wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible when we met. Why not set her up for success?

 

Interesting. I think my hesitation was the barrage of questions and no explanation as to why she wanted my last name. Also, it's never come up before so it threw me.

 

I'm taking a chance as it is because it's only two face pics of her with no body pics at all. This has not worked well for me in the past so I'm not hopeful at all. As a result, I don't feel compelled to be more open with her above all the personal information I've shared thus far.

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She wants your last name so she can look you up on Facebook. What's the problem with giving her your last name? You have probably given it out to sign up for things on the Internet, maybe even this site, so what's the problem?

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@SevenCity ~ I wouldn't give my surname either, I don't think I've ever asked or had anyone ask me. Just sounds like she wants to do some background check or something. I would find all the personal questions off putting...

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From my very limited OLD experience, the few guys with whom I had a meaningful convo with all offered their last name, phone number, and even their professional webpage very early on. If they have not offered and I wanted to have their full name for safety reason, I would also offer them the same info of mine — it's only fair that way. In general, for any type of relationship (e.g., friendship), I would feel very uncomfortable when someone is very nosy about me and yet a little secretive about himself/herself.

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I won't meet anyone who won't give me a last name. Had a few give me fake names. If u can't verify who they really are - no date.

 

The first thing you learn when you meet someone is their name. If someone is hiding it it's a huge red flag. Why won't you share your name? THAT is sketchy.

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When I was dating a lot, a year and a half ago, I had a few guys ask me for my full name so they could add me on Facebook and I refused. I actually had one guy completely stop talking to me after, which I thought was a little over the top. I only have family and friends on Facebook, I'm not giving a stranger access to that after less than a week of talking. If you're not comfortable giving out your full name then don't do it. What works for others doesn't have to work for you.

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I won't meet anyone who won't give me a last name. Had a few give me fake names. If u can't verify who they really are - no date.

 

The first thing you learn when you meet someone is their name. If someone is hiding it it's a huge red flag. Why won't you share your name? THAT is sketchy.

 

I just googled my full name and town.

 

Up came my home phone number, address, all the places I've ever lived, and all my family members. All free.

 

That's why.

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I just googled my full name and town.

 

Up came my home phone number, address, all the places I've ever lived, and all my family members. All free.

 

That's why.

 

That's the point. Don't want people to know who you really are? Women want to feel safe meeting a man. Think about it.

 

I don't know why all your addresses and family would come up. Nothing like that comes up for me.

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@SevenCity ~ I wouldn't give my surname either, I don't think I've ever asked or had anyone ask me. Just sounds like she wants to do some background check or something. I would find all the personal questions off putting...

 

I'm with you....and I do find them off putting.

 

Understand I'm not sure she is who she is in real life as opposed to the pics so I could be giving a scammer ways of making my life uncomfortable.

 

If she said "My full name is X, what's yours?" I might feel a little different.

 

I've run into all sorts of paranoia when meeting women.

 

 

  • One girl would not tell me her actual address until a month in, yet got into my car on the first date as I picked her up from a nearby location
  • One girl I dated for a couple months would not tell me her last name or address
  • One girl did not want to meet me at night, though we met in a public place anyway (not sure why it was safer during the day)

I'm ok with whatever they don't want to share and understand the need to protect themselves. However, I also reserve the right to keep my personal information to myself until I confirm someone is real.

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TheTraveler
I won't meet anyone who won't give me a last name. Had a few give me fake names. If u can't verify who they really are - no date.

 

The first thing you learn when you meet someone is their name. If someone is hiding it it's a huge red flag. Why won't you share your name? THAT is sketchy.

 

I hardly get asked for my last name via online dating. If they do, I know why. They want to hit up data mining via google/look me up via facebook.

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That's the point. Don't want people to know who you really are? Women want to feel safe meeting a man. Think about it.

 

I don't know why all your addresses and family would come up. Nothing like that comes up for me.

 

I get that - what you are not understanding is all I have is a Bumble profile which may not be a woman at all.

 

I don't know why all my info came up either - yet there it is.

 

Along with my coveted home phone number that only my family has as I give it out to no one.

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This is a tricky one, as I get where you are coming from.

 

But since my recent encounter with a registered sex offender and me not doing my initial homework, I am trying to be a little more diligent in the beginning.

 

I don't think men realize how daunting this can be for women. As a mother I am going to be even more selective. Sometimes it is about being safe and knowing who you may be meeting.

 

On the flip side I can also see how you would not want to give them that information. It can be a touchy situation and may be an issue if you both don't see eye to eye on it.

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Why don't you ask for the same information?

 

There is no way I would meet someone without verifying WHO they actually are. But maybe that's just me. I have met many psychos in my life. Trying to avoid that happening again.

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This is a tricky one, as I get where you are coming from.

 

But since my recent encounter with a registered sex offender and me not doing my initial homework, I am trying to be a little more diligent in the beginning.

 

I don't think men realize how daunting this can be for women. As a mother I am going to be even more selective. Sometimes it is about being safe and knowing who you may be meeting.

 

On the flip side I can also see how you would not want to give them that information. It can be a touchy situation and may be an issue if you both don't see eye to eye on it.

 

I get there are a lot of crazies online - THAT is why I don't feel comfortable giving my last name.

 

But in the case of your encounter, if you meet in a public place are you really in any harm? If on the date he won't give you his last name I get it. But it's a two way street. I wonder how she would have reacted if I asked her for her last name? I bet she would have been freaked out.

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Why don't you ask for the same information?

 

There is no way I would meet someone without verifying WHO they actually are. But maybe that's just me. I have met many psychos in my life. Trying to avoid that happening again.

 

Well I'm not going into a game of "if you tell me yours I'll tell you mine".

 

And I get wanting not to meet psychos - but even if you run a background check it's not guarantee that the guy is not.

 

I'm not sure why women are so paranoid about meeting someone they don't know. It's not like you are meeting in a back alley and if you go to a crowded restaurant you are meeting TONS of people you don't know. Same if you go to the mall, a supermarket, etc. There are strangers all around you. Any time you go out in public you take a risk - but being in public around other people also protects you.

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Well I'm not going into a game of "if you tell me yours I'll tell you mine".

 

And I get wanting not to meet psychos - but even if you run a background check it's not guarantee that the guy is not.

 

I'm not sure why women are so paranoid about meeting someone they don't know. It's not like you are meeting in a back alley and if you go to a crowded restaurant you are meeting TONS of people you don't know. Same if you go to the mall, a supermarket, etc. There are strangers all around you. Any time you go out in public you take a risk - but being in public around other people also protects you.

 

ok going to rant for a second. First, I doubt she would freak out. I have been asked many times and I always give my name.

 

No - it is no guarantee, but boy, it can certainly help you AVOID bad situations.

 

This isn't about meeting in public. This is about verifying people are who they say they are.

 

Example; a few weeks ago I met a guy online. Said he was recently divorced Firefighter. Asked for his full name. Had a friend whose husband worked in the Fire department, she said no one by that name worked there, but there was another guy with the same first name. Look him up on Facebook, there he is with his real last name, profile picture with his wife and daughter. Facebook feed filled with family pics.

 

So the guy was married, and lied about his name. I called him out, told him to not contact me again. This is ONE incident. I have had many many more online dating. You might not be a liar or hiding something, but about half the men online ARE. So women, have to be diligent in assuring people are who they say they are. This isn't about being afraid to be kidnapped or raped. Its about being afraid to get involved with someone who is an outright liar or scammer.

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I mean it's the internet you never know what's on the other side, i see why she's cautious ( that's the right way), you're probably a good person but others aren't.

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ok going to rant for a second. First, I doubt she would freak out. I have been asked many times and I always give my name.

 

No - it is no guarantee, but boy, it can certainly help you AVOID bad situations.

 

This isn't about meeting in public. This is about verifying people are who they say they are.

 

Example; a few weeks ago I met a guy online. Said he was recently divorced Firefighter. Asked for his full name. Had a friend whose husband worked in the Fire department, she said no one by that name worked there, but there was another guy with the same first name. Look him up on Facebook, there he is with his real last name, profile picture with his wife and daughter. Facebook feed filled with family pics.

 

So the guy was married, and lied about his name. I called him out, told him to not contact me again. This is ONE incident. I have had many many more online dating. You might not be a liar or hiding something, but about half the men online ARE. So women, have to be diligent in assuring people are who they say they are. This isn't about being afraid to be kidnapped or raped. Its about being afraid to get involved with someone who is an outright liar or scammer.

 

That's fair, but you have saved yourself a date. Say you didn't do this and you exchanged names at your first meeting and found this out?

 

Worst case you wasted an hour or so. I stopped doing the phone screen as it seemed to be causing more harm then good as far as pushing women away. Now I just hope they look like their pic (most don't) so I go in not expecting much.

 

If by some chance we have a connection then great. I still haven't googled any of them. Perhaps some were / are married? I don't know.

 

But I won't give out PII to someone on a dating app. Reason is it could be some catfish looking to steal my identity / burglarize my house. That's not worth the risk for me.

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That's fair, but you have saved yourself a date. Say you didn't do this and you exchanged names at your first meeting and found this out?

 

Worst case you wasted an hour or so. I stopped doing the phone screen as it seemed to be causing more harm then good as far as pushing women away. Now I just hope they look like their pic (most don't) so I go in not expecting much.

 

If by some chance we have a connection then great. I still haven't googled any of them. Perhaps some were / are married? I don't know.

 

But I won't give out PII to someone on a dating app. Reason is it could be some catfish looking to steal my identity / burglarize my house. That's not worth the risk for me.

 

Not really just an hour. We would have been texting, wasting my time even more. Meeting someone and thinking they are they someone they are not? It's more than a wasted hour. It's an insult, it's scary, it's unpleasant. Maybe the date would have ended in a kiss? I would have been kissing a married man. Made to look like a fool. This is more than wasted time.

 

If you don't want to do the research thats your prerogative, but don't think a woman is strange for wanting to do research on you. She is smart. I have given you a perfect example of why women want more information before meeting. Do with it what you want.

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