Go on the date or cancel?

[Been]

My first date in 8 months. A little background: I met this woman and we started talking. And they were good conversations. I enjoyed talking with her.

This went on for 2 weeks. We would just talk and that was it. Then one night she asked me to go to the bar with her which I did. Out of nowhere she kissed me. Said how she really likes me and what not. I told her I like her but let's not jump into anything too quickly and I'd like to take her on a date. She agreed.

Fast forward a week. We've been hanging out just talking and she told me about her ex. Said how they dated for 2 years and he treated her bad and her friends hate him. Said how he comes to town every weekend and tries to see her but she won't go see him(she's friends with his sister).

So I'm just listening not saying anything.

So she starts telling everyone around town her and I are going on a date-except the ex's sister.

Now I'm figuring she isn't over this man because she keeps talking about him. Some of my friends say give it a chance some of my friends say just walk away. What should I do?

[moonchild94]

My first date in 8 months. A little background: I met this woman and we started talking. And they were good conversations. I enjoyed talking with her.

This went on for 2 weeks. We would just talk and that was it. Then one night she asked me to go to the bar with her which I did. Out of nowhere she kissed me. Said how she really likes me and what not. I told her I like her but let's not jump into anything too quickly and I'd like to take her on a date. She agreed.

Fast forward a week. We've been hanging out just talking and she told me about her ex. Said how they dated for 2 years and he treated her bad and her friends hate him. Said how he comes to town every weekend and tries to see her but she won't go see him(she's friends with his sister).

So I'm just listening not saying anything.

So she starts telling everyone around town her and I are going on a date-except the ex's sister.

Now I'm figuring she isn't over this man because she keeps talking about him. Some of my friends say give it a chance some of my friends say just walk away. What should I do?

 

 

I would give it one more chance and hangout session. If she brings it up again I would walk away. Bringing up an ex is a bad sign bad enough and her bringing it up constantly is bad. She didn't tell the sister yet either... maybe she had good reasoning. Maybe she didn't want the sister to know so the sister won't tell her brother. Things can get messy once an ex knows a new guy is in the picture.

[Larryville]

Now I'm figuring she isn't over this man because she keeps talking about him.

 

Usually when someone continues to talk about an ex because she still has feelings for him, it's likely that she didn't give herself time to heal after the breakup before dating again. Loose ends haven't been tied. If this is the case, your relationship won’t be a healthy one.

 

In some cases, it's not about having lingering feelings for the actual ex but about the experiences that materialized from being with that person over a certain time frame.

 

She could have spent a significant amount of time with an ex, especially in a very transitional period of her life when she was younger.

 

When a breakup happens, a transition must start again and even if the relationship wasn't a healthy one, for some women it still feels like she is losing a particular degree of familiarity in her life.

 

The more sentimental and emotionally attached a person is, the harder it is to adjust to change, even if it is necessary and healthier.

 

Tell her point blank kill the ex talk, if she balks or has an issue with that don't waste your time. Don't become someones emotional punching bag.

[SoThatHappened]

Options:

 

1. Continue to see her without ANY hope of it being more than a friendship/hookup (due to you likely being a rebound or fill-in guy to her).

 

2. Tell her you'd rather not get involved, and walk away (my vote).

 

3. Continue to see her, fall for her, get left for her ex as she may not over him. (my least favorite)

[d0nnivain]

When is this date? If today do not cancel. It's too late & would be rude. If you can cancel on more than 24 hours notice go ahead.

 

 

If you want to go -- & I would go if I were you -- when she brings him up again, point it out to her. Don't be mean about it but say something like, "It's disheartening to be on a date with somebody when all they do is talk about an EX. It kinda makes me think you are not over him. Do you realize how much time you talk about him?"

 

 

See what she says / does. If she apologizes & never brings it up, it may be OK. If she gets the slightest bit defensive, bail.

[Been]

No the date is 24 hours away.

I'm leaning towards just not going and not even talking to her.

She initiated the whole kissing thing and it was nice. And if she wasn't really moved on from her ex she shouldn't have initiated kissing me because in all honesty I just enjoyed talking to her.

And all this stuff she is saying-oh I don't want to mess this up because your such a nice guy is just BS on her part. In my opinion she's laying the groundwork for WHEN she jumps back on the ex train she can play the victim and say I told you I was going to mess it up.

People I think have to start taking more responsibility for their actions-she chose to kiss me when she wasn't ready. Now she will have to face the consequences of that-im not someones playtoy to occupy their time.

Sucks but its life.

[kendahke]

So I'm just listening not saying anything.

 

Take responsibility for this action.

 

There was no reason in the world why you couldn't have said to her in the moment "hey, really don't want to talk about exes if you don't mind", or "you don't sound like you're over your ex. I'm not really down with women who have unfinished business brewing", instead sitting there being a silent irate, fueling this "punish her" line of behavior.

[lurker74]

Honestly I think you may be making too much about it. I grant you that it depends on the level of talking about him, but if it's a casual "here's how I got out of my last relationship" conversation, I not only don't see anything wrong with it, I'd be curious to know.

 

When I interview people for a job, I always ask why they left (or are leaving) their last job. It's pertinent to the current job. Same with dating.

 

But if she goes on about it or if there's nothing else to talk about, then it's a warning sign.

 

Like many things, it isn't black and white...it's gray. So go on the date, have fun, and see where it goes. Going on a first date is not getting engaged.

[Been]

I'm not punishing anyone. Just don't want to waste too much time.

I get the talking about ex's. People do it and sometimes they don't even really mean to. And that's why I listened the first time. Figured she was just getting it out the way. But then she kept making comments about how he comes to town on the weekends and she doesn't want to run into him and the whole nine yards.

And at one point I even told her we don't have to go on a date.So I gave her an out. But she said she did want to.

Your not over someone don't waste someone's time - I didn't and I expect the same.

[d0nnivain]

I'm leaning towards just not going and not even talking to her.

 

 

People I think have to start taking more responsibility for their actions-she chose to kiss me when she wasn't ready. Now she will have to face the consequences of that-im not someones playtoy to occupy their time.

Sucks but its life.

 

 

That's just rude. Granted she shouldn't have put herself out there but you responding to her attempt by being mean makes things worse.

 

 

If you don't' want to go, at least be a kind & polite person -- be the better person -- and tell her why you are cancelling.

[Been]

Funny but I'm starting to think ALOT of women like the rude/bad behaviour.

a

[spiderowl]

I would go on the date and if she brings up her ex ask her 'are you over your ex'? See what you think about the answer to that question.

[d0nnivain]

Funny but I'm starting to think ALOT of women like the rude/bad behaviour.

 

 

There are some women who go for the bad boy. Most simply want a confident man but don't know the difference between confident & entitled / rude.

 

 

The road less traveled is being strong enough to rise above other people's bad behavior.

 

 

You need to do what is best for you but I would encourage you to be gracious even when you are not receiving that kindness. Some how some way I believe it will come back to you in spades. I also can't believe this woman set out to hurt you or even toy with you; she probably doesn't realized how damaged & not over him she is.

[TheAntiHero]

Said how he comes to town every weekend and tries to see her but she won't go see him(she's friends with his sister).

What should I do?

 

Sounds like she's telling you what you want to hear so she can monkey branch from you to the ex.

 

I would leave if I were you.

[SoThatHappened]

Agree with lurker and TheAntiHero.

 

You can talk about an ex, of course. As mentioned, it's like a job interview.

 

However, it's HOW and HOW OFTEN one talks about an ex.

 

I flat out told a girl I will not date her after we'd hung out 3 times and she mentioned her ex repeatedly. It was also how she talked about him.

 

Currently, I've been open about my exes with a divorcee and she's been open with me as well. We both waited a couple years to get back into dating. We bring scars, but not baggage. That's key for me.

 

You don't have to be rude, but I would tell her you do not want to be a rebound or get involved with someone (emotionally) who's still not over an ex.

 

It's very likely going to be a waste of your time if you engage with her on any emotional level.

 

If you just want to bang, let her use you to take out her "issues". If you're looking for something more, I'd look elsewhere.

[SevenCity]

Take responsibility for this action.

 

There was no reason in the world why you couldn't have said to her in the moment "hey, really don't want to talk about exes if you don't mind", or "you don't sound like you're over your ex. I'm not really down with women who have unfinished business brewing", instead sitting there being a silent irate, fueling this "punish her" line of behavior.

 

On the other hand, she could not be honest and realize talking about the ex is pushing him away and stop doing it despite having strong feelings for her ex still.

 

Keeping your mouth shut is the best way to figure out what someone is really like. Telling them what you don't want to hear is giving them clues on how to act.

[act00]

I don't know that I would put too much stock in the fact she didn't tell the Sister. If the sister knows, then the boyfriend will probably find out, and that can create some drama, and let's be realistic, the situation is just awkward with the ex being friends with the sister and meeting other guys. I can understand keeping things at arm's length in certain areas, at least until things become a little more serious with the new boyfriend.

 

I see a constant focus on the ex being problematic. They are split up, but still involved somehow. It can be difficult to maintain friendships with ex-family, and she stays involved due to her friendship with the Sister. I'm not saying the Girlfriend is required to dump these important people, but it keeps her entrenched in a life she is (supposedly) trying to remove herself from. It's sad, but you can't always maintain a friendship with the ex's family/friends or mutual friends when you're trying to split. There are losses, and sometimes that means you have to trim people out of your life that keep the bad parts in. Breakups have loss.

 

If you really think she is still hung up on her ex, then the answer is clear that direction you need to go right now. If you're not really sure, maybe you need to point out how often she talks about him. "You talk about him a lot." She may not be over him or ready to completely remove him (subconsciously), and that leaves you as the transition boyfriend, or maybe she just doesn't realize how much she talks about him or he consumes her life.

 

You can go out a few more times and see where it goes, knowing the hurt if she goes back to him or won't let the past go, or cut your losses now, "I don't think you're ready." I don't know if I would dump the date, but I would be putting some cautious distance.

[Been]

Thanks everyone for the input. I'm going to go on the date but keep my expectations to a minimum. If she brings up her ex during the date I'll wait till after the date has concluded and tell her nicely that while I had a good time she can't stop talking about her ex and I have already traveled that road before with bad results and don't want to go down that road again.

[Been]

That was a disaster. The night before we were going to go on a date she went out drinking with friends. She calls me at 3AM and wakes me up.

Keep in mind she lives right across from me. I answer the phone and she asks me to go outside. I get outside and she's on the ground drunk. I pick her up and help her in her place and lay her down and take her shoes off.

At this point she was so drunk she wets the bed. I move her to the other side and then leave.

Next day shes sorry and embarrassed. I say don't worry about it but she is going to be too tired to go on a date. She then states she needs to maybe fix something's before dating people. I say I understand.

Couple of hours latter she texts me saying she doesn't want me to not talk to her. I tell her don't really want to talk to her. Too up and down. Then I block her.

[SevenCity]

That was a disaster. The night before we were going to go on a date she went out drinking with friends. She calls me at 3AM and wakes me up.

Keep in mind she lives right across from me. I answer the phone and she asks me to go outside. I get outside and she's on the ground drunk. I pick her up and help her in her place and lay her down and take her shoes off.

At this point she was so drunk she wets the bed. I move her to the other side and then leave.

Next day shes sorry and embarrassed. I say don't worry about it but she is going to be too tired to go on a date. She then states she needs to maybe fix something's before dating people. I say I understand.

Couple of hours latter she texts me saying she doesn't want me to not talk to her. I tell her don't really want to talk to her. Too up and down. Then I block her.

 

Even if it weren't for the ex talk this would have been enough for me to delete and block!

[dumbass2]

That was a disaster. The night before we were going to go on a date she went out drinking with friends. She calls me at 3AM and wakes me up.

Keep in mind she lives right across from me. I answer the phone and she asks me to go outside. I get outside and she's on the ground drunk. I pick her up and help her in her place and lay her down and take her shoes off.

At this point she was so drunk she wets the bed. I move her to the other side and then leave.

Next day shes sorry and embarrassed. I say don't worry about it but she is going to be too tired to go on a date. She then states she needs to maybe fix something's before dating people. I say I understand.

Couple of hours latter she texts me saying she doesn't want me to not talk to her. I tell her don't really want to talk to her. Too up and down. Then I block her.

 

Just WOW! obviously that is not a girl that you do not want to be involved with in any shape or form. She'll probably still want you as a friend that way you can help her out again the next time she is drunk.

[spiderowl]

Sorry it went this way; she clearly has problems. Getting that drunk and expecting you to help her out is a bit weird. It sounds like a cry for help to get your attention, but it is not going to work in her favour. She needs more help than you can give.

 

Just an aside - and I know you owe her nothing - but if someone is that drunk and you do end up helping them, please bear in mind that people can die in that state. They can choke on their own vomit. I have known this to happen to a young guy who went over the top when out drinking with friends. It was out of character and he couldn't handle it. I know you have no obligation to this girl, but if someone is that drunk, I would call for medical help and leave them to resolve the situation.