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Is this normal guy behavior? Any input is greatly appreciated. I don't get it!?!?!


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Old 28th April 2005, 1:44 PM   #1
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Unhappy Is this normal guy behavior? Any input is greatly appreciated. I don't get it!?!?!

Okay, I'm on my last leg and I really need some input on what the f*&k is going on. Any opinions are greatly appreciated...

I'm 24 and my boyfriend of six and a half months is 26. Some of you may have read my previous posts and know the history, but for those of you who don't I'll give you a short version: we began dating back in Oct and for the first few months things were great. We both like to go out and have a good time, but after a while I noticed that his behavior changed when he was drinking. He would be rude to me, say things he didn't mean or didn't remember the next day, etc. I also learned that he like to do coke. Not daily, but once or twice a month. I'm no angel, I've tried it also but don't do it regularly. We would fight because of his drug and alcohol use. It had caused problems also bc he had deserted me to do drugs (once was on my birthday when he promised me he wouldn't do it).

In addition, he would frequently talk about how he has always dated super hot girls, he's never been with someone who didn't continue to want him, he's had threesomes, he gets hit on all the time by attractive women, all the girls he's been with have told him what a big d&*k he has, he's slept with a lot of people. Very egotistical, arrogant things to say to your girlfriend. Personally, i always saw it as a sign of insecurity, but that's another story. I don't share any of my past sexual history with him for the simple reason that I don't think it's necessary.

Finally, just last week was his birthday and I had a special night planned for him (i.e. nice dinner, etc). Well, he decided to go out with his guy friends, which I didn't mind, but I knew he would be drinking heavily and probably doing coke, so I asked him to ease my mind and worrying by giving me a call or text messaging me when he was going to bed just to let me know he was alright. He promised he would. Well, he never did. I cried all night because I was worried. To make matters worse, I found out the next day that they went to a strip club. That made me uncomfortable. If he had the courtesy to just call me and let me know and ask if I minded, I would have said "No, it's cool" and been happy that he had thought about my feelings. He never asked. The next day I asked him why he didn't call and he said he forgot.

I've never gotten a sincere apology (or an apology at all) for any of this...ever.

So, I got angry and told him all the reasons I was fed up. I told him I loved him and that I know that no one is perfect, but I was getting tired of this bs. I told him how much the things he has done hurt me and he gets one more chance to treat me the way I deserve to be treated or I'm leaving. He told me that he wanted to be with me. I decided to give him another chance.

Well, since that conversation he has been acting different. He stopped telling me he loves me, he won't talk to me much even when we're together, and he's not affectionate with me at all. He's just quiet and withdrawn. I would've thought that all of this would have at least given him the thought that perhaps he should be extra nice to me, show me he loves me, or at least try to make me feel good. Instead, he mopes and pulls away. I never even got an apology. I have to ask him to kiss me and ask him to tell me he loves me. He does, but then goes back to moping. He doesn't touch me unless I ask him to (nicely).

He's a smart, funny, well-spoken guy who says that he cares but doesn't show it. I told him I would leave if that's what he wanted, and he said he didn't want that. What gives? If you knew you hurt the woman you love this much and this severely, wouldn't you go out of your way to make her feel special, loved, apprecited, etc? Or is this just a guy thing? Talking to him about this doesn't get me anywhere. I don't get it.

Any input in really appreciated. I'm so confused.
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Old 28th April 2005, 1:58 PM   #2
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maybe "normal Jerk-off guy Behaviour" but not the normal my bf loves me and cares about my feelings behaviour.

Do you think you deserve a man that treats you right all the time? i think you do, so why not lose the loser and look for the winner.

Think of dating as job training/ orientation......sometimes the applicants just are not the right candidate, but you have given him more than enough time to prove his worth. after all, he is SUPPOSED to be putting his best foot foward, especially in the beginning!
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Old 28th April 2005, 2:44 PM   #3
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Ugh. I wish I didn't care about him so much. It would be so much easier.

I left once before and came back. Last time I left he laid in bed all night and cried. I felt awful.
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Old 28th April 2005, 2:54 PM   #4
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My cousins last boyfriend was just like this. Plus he had a real hard time showing love, he said he had never been loved, so he didn't know how to give it. (he had some major issues growing up, abandoned by his mom) Anyways, she gave him one more chance, he blew it. She cut him out of her life, and moved on. It was hard for her at first cause she really did love him, but she was strong and did it. She is now happily with a new guy now, and they are more then likely gonna wind up married. Don't ever take crap off of any one!!Sometimes I think we get stuck in trying to be the "cool" girlfriend and we get treated like crap in the process.
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:34 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ariel80
Don't ever take crap off of any one!!Sometimes I think we get stuck in trying to be the "cool" girlfriend and we get treated like crap in the process.
very well said! and it is soo true, you do not want to be a nag, but at some point you ned to stand up for yourself and your wants and needs!

what makes you think he will really change, since he hasn't yet?
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:35 PM   #6
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I don't know why he's like this. His parents divorced when he was 6, but he has a great relationship with both of them. They're both very nice, normal, friendly people (I've spent quite a bit of time with both of them). He got into a lot of trouble when he was a teenager (drugs, drinking, drunk driving, got kicked ou tof high school, spent a month in jail). He cleaned himself up (kind of) and graduated college and got a good job.

I guess we could analyze this all day and not know....
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:40 PM   #7
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To laRubiaBonita:

What makes me think he'll change is that he says he knows he needs to change and doesn't want me to leave. He acknowledged that all of our problems are his fault.
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:45 PM   #8
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IMO Your BF IS very insecure and that's why he's constantly breakin his arm patting himself on the back...

At this point you've asked him to give you more (and rightfully so) but it seems that he is so needy of others doing for him (feeding his ego) that maybe he's feeling you're expecting to much in wanting him to make you feel great and cared for when it's always sort of been you making him feel great and cared for (because he's insecure) So now he's feeling pouty and withdrawn...
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:53 PM   #9
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He's selfish. God he sounds just like my cousin's ex, its uncanny. Him being that selfish and forgetful and cruel about YOUR needs...maybe he's a mild sociopath. His trouble with the law gave me the red flag. Not all sociopaths are psychotic killers....most are socializied and adjusted. But they are highly manipulative, very decietful, will tell you what you WANT to hear, but they will never mean it, they don't feel what others feel and DO NOT CARE about others needs, hence the selfishness, and not caring if you are upset on your birthday, and they will often inflate themselves. And deep down there is a deep seated hatred for people. Don't think you can change him, you can't. And its not very treatable with professional help either. Often they do come from normal families. Don't try to figure him out, he's been disrespectful to you the whole time and you deserve better. He will not change. He will not all the sudden see that light, that you are awesome, and he should keep you in his life. Your relationship with him now is how it will be with him...no matter how long you stay with him.
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:53 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by baltimoregirl42
To laRubiaBonita:

What makes me think he'll change is that he says he knows he needs to change and doesn't want me to leave. He acknowledged that all of our problems are his fault.

sooo what is he doing this very second to correct the problems that cause you pain?
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:54 PM   #11
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Oh, for crying out loud! what the hell is it with women who stay with guys who treat them like ****, booze, drugs, strippers...Ah, we men have got it made. Now to go out and find me a doormat to screw. some of you women just line up for it doncha? What are ya gonna do...stay with this guy until you're old and realize what a pathetic waste ya made of your life?/ you left once...cried all night..and went back...sheesh!
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:55 PM   #12
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Actions baby, actions speak way louder than words do. And his actions aren't measuring up.
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Old 28th April 2005, 3:58 PM   #13
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Well, he hasn't had a drop of alcohol and claims that he's not going to drink again until he gets his head straight.

Maybe I'm just too forgiving. I just find it hard to accept when this is the same guy who a few months ago was telling me he wanted to be with me forever and made me sooo happy. I've also never met anyone like this before.....I hate to give up on people and I'm trying to figure out what the difference is between being patient and being a push-over.
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Old 28th April 2005, 4:01 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by baltimoregirl42
Well, he hasn't had a drop of alcohol and claims that he's not going to drink again until he gets his head straight.

Maybe I'm just too forgiving. I just find it hard to accept when this is the same guy who a few months ago was telling me he wanted to be with me forever and made me sooo happy. I've also never met anyone like this before.....I hate to give up on people and I'm trying to figure out what the difference is between being patient and being a push-over.
no...you are not gioving up on him, HE has given up an Ya'll!

if it were not for his indescretions, time and time again......... there would be none of this to fret over.

see what i am saying? you are making his excuses now.
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Old 28th April 2005, 4:05 PM   #15
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I know that at this point it really doesn't matter, but what is it that makes people act this way? Perhaps that's the most confusing part of all, is that I can't understand what would make someone behave this way.
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