Where to go from here?

[KBarletta]

Hi all,

 

I am 43, divorced one year, separated 2.5 years. I have a teenage daughter who spends 2-3 days a week with me. During my separation/divorce I began a serious LDR that ended about two months ago.

 

About six months ago, I met a woman through a mutual friend who totally blew me away. I'd never felt so strongly about someone so quickly before. When we met, we were in a group of about 7-8 people but just kept talking to each other for hours. But because I was still involved with my LDR, not much came of it. But it was clear we both liked each other a lot.

 

We continued to see each other every week or so in group settings (never alone) for the next couple months, during which time I broke off the LDR. We also kept in touch via text and IM during this time, just checking in with playful "hello how are you" messages every few days. Each time we saw each other it was the same - we talked for hours as if nobody else was around. Some of these were 6-7 hours straight of conversation and flirting. Part of the reason I broke it off with my LDR was because I could tell I was developing feelings for the new woman. Also, I knew she would not be single for long if I didn't do something quickly.

 

So ... a month or so ago, we were together again and ended up being the last two people at the party after a group get-together. We ended up talking for hours again and closing the place down. I walked her home and as we said goodnight I asked her out for a real date for the following weekend.

 

Since then, we've seen each other about once a week and kept in touch regularly over the phone or through texting or IMs. She is incredibly busy and works literally 7 days a week, so her free time is precious. Still, she makes an effort to see me regularly. And every time we see each other, it's the same - we talk, laugh like crazy, flirt heavily, and the chemistry is really the best I've ever had with anyone.

 

So she seems to really like me. She is very touchy-feely and playful with me, and she has at least twice casually dropped "I love you" into conversations. Of course, she could mean it seriously or just kind of jokingly, but to me those words mean something. And while I can tell I am falling hard for her, I have not said those words to her just yet.

 

Every time I ask her out, she is excited and always shows up looking like a million bucks. (For what it's worth, she is a hard 10 in the looks department. I'm a 7.5 or 8 on a good day. :-)

 

The issue is this: Even though mentally and emotionally we have this amazing connection, we have yet to get really physical. We've been on four dates (she used that word to describe our meetings, too, so there's no misunderstanding the intent here.)

 

When we're together there is PDA, like we'll rest our hands on each other's thighs and such. But no kissing, which at this point in the relationship, for me, is out of the ordinary. Am I wrong to think that?

 

Our recent dates have ended with an extended hug and some heavy petting and maybe a kiss on the cheek. That's it. The last time, I tried to go in for a real kiss and got some pull back and a quick exit. But then she immediately agreed to another date. So I am not sure what to think.

 

Some background: I'm 43, she's 36. I've been married, she hasn't. I have kids, she doesn't. We both have good jobs, though she works more and makes more money than I do. She has had several bad relationships (including abuse) and a history of depression. She hasn't been in a relationship in over a year. I am just coming out of one, after a long marriage.

 

I haven't really dated anyone in a traditional sense for about 12-13 years, so I am kind of out of practice. Should I expect the physical part to be moving faster, or does this make sense given all those factors?

 

It's not as if I have hid my intentions. In fact, the last time we were together I basically told her straight up that I liked her romantically and asked if she felt the same (I feel like I'm in 9th grade, yes). She said, "I wouldn't keep going out with you if I didn't." But then, when it's time to say goodbye, there was still no real kiss and a quick exit.

 

We've made plans to see each other this weekend and beyond that for several weeks to come. I really like her but I don't want to waste my time at my age. Should I be concerned that this isn't quite going anywhere yet, or does it make sense that she's taking it really slow?

 

Any thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

Ask her.

 

 

Normally I'm not one for the "I'd like to kiss you" announcement before it happens but here it might work because the non verbal cues are missing somewhere.

 

 

If she balks, ask why.

[coolheadal]

She's has some issues you need to consider if you want to be with her. i would give her more time, then have a talk. But it clearly shows that she has some past trauma behavior problems you have think about. Mental illness is hard to get over when your in a relationship. Give her a little time, as she does show you how she feels as well as tells you already that she "I Love you" this one is the most important love statement. Most don't even say it. You have to pull it out of them when you have to do that you might has well C'you when I see you.

[KBarletta]

Ask her.

 

 

Normally I'm not one for the "I'd like to kiss you" announcement before it happens but here it might work because the non verbal cues are missing somewhere.

 

 

If she balks, ask why.

 

I appreciate the opinions. I think you're right. I just have to ask. I'll probably give it a little more time, see what happens over the next week or two.

[KBarletta]

She's has some issues you need to consider if you want to be with her. i would give her more time, then have a talk. But it clearly shows that she has some past trauma behavior problems you have think about. Mental illness is hard to get over when your in a relationship. Give her a little time, as she does show you how she feels as well as tells you already that she "I Love you" this one is the most important love statement. Most don't even say it. You have to pull it out of them when you have to do that you might has well C'you when I see you.

 

 

I have brought this up with one of our mutual friends who knows her well, and her opinion was that she was trying to really concentrate on work and wasn't expecting this to happen. I wasn't either. Maybe she's just not ready. I am.

 

I also think she is being shy and cautious because of my recent breakup and her history. I think it will take time to build trust.

[Chilli]

yeah , l think it's something like what your saying.

 

Hate to put it.like this l just don't know how else to say it though but l would also just guard my heart a little if l were you and be ready for the unexpected. Like maybe she does a back flip and starts to back away or goes a bit on offish.

Not saying she will but l'd just be a bit wary of it.

lt just seems pretty common these days no matter how strong the thing is between you and l've noticed her hold back seems to also be really common and next minute they're out.

 

Seems to be so many people out there now that although they want it, they get too scared to grab it when it comes along and start back tracking.

Although she probably just wants to take it very very slowly she also sounds like she might have a little bit of that stuff going on too.

 

Good luck anyway.

[morrowrd]

Go with the flow. From what I've read that's what you're doing, yet asking if you should be moving faster. My advice, don't.... go at her pace and I think you'll have all this in your back pocket sooner than later.

[LoveBug143]

Sounds like she might be a little afraid of intimacy and has a bit of a guard up. That's totally fine. I have a friend who's like "no kissing/sex until after the 5th date" and she sticks to it, regardless of how awesome the chemistry is. Maybe thats the case with this girl? If you go on a couple of more dates and are still feeling some pull back, i'd say mention it and ask why. But this is not totally out of the ordinary

[coolheadal]

I have brought this up with one of our mutual friends who knows her well, and her opinion was that she was trying to really concentrate on work and wasn't expecting this to happen. I wasn't either. Maybe she's just not ready. I am.

 

I also think she is being shy and cautious because of my recent breakup and her history. I think it will take time to build trust.

 

You have to give her time and space to she can trust you and see your different from her priors. This is the only way this is going to work. Remember she has issues. Things happen no can except them to be like they are. You clearly can see for yourself.

[TheTraveler]

Kisses do not have to happen at the end of the date!

 

Read body language, read how she is acting. If the moment is right, you go for it!

 

You're going to friendzone yourself by dragging this on so long. Background of this and that doesn't mean anything

[KBarletta]

Kisses do not have to happen at the end of the date!

 

Read body language, read how she is acting. If the moment is right, you go for it!

 

You're going to friendzone yourself by dragging this on so long. Background of this and that doesn't mean anything

 

Thanks - that is kind of my concern. It's not as if my intentions and the situation is unclear, though. It's perfectly clear that we both like each other and there is at least some romantic interest on both sides. I just think we are at different stages and moving at different paces. Or at least I hope so.

 

Thanks for the comment.

[darkbloom]

Hi kb! I've missed you!!

 

 

It sounds like this girl is a little bit scared but she really likes you. I would go at her pace and allow her to lead the way here. She's probably afraid of moving too fast and with her prior relationship trauma, it makes sense to take it slow.

 

I think everything will work out fine! Try to relax and not analyze it too much.

 

Keep us updated!

[coolheadal]

Thanks - that is kind of my concern. It's not as if my intentions and the situation is unclear, though. It's perfectly clear that we both like each other and there is at least some romantic interest on both sides. I just think we are at different stages and moving at different paces. Or at least I hope so.

 

Thanks for the comment.

 

I had gone out with women that had issues like this. I thought at first she was shy? I was the one going for the kiss because I didn't see her going for it. Mental state of the mind is tough one to figure out these women make it so unsettling. You might be at a different pace but you have to see where she's at. Liking each one is one thing but if she doesn't make a move on you that's the issue I ran into. Say you and her on the couch she's on the right your on the left I say this way because then you can look at her when you watch a movie. Is her eyes focus on the movie or at you or is she looking in a daze? I say that because that happen to me. What I did is lifted up her legs and place them on me and told her hey let me massage your feet. By doing things like that you might be able to sneak in a kiss. Another thing buy her rose the color she likes as her hey what type of followers you like or what color roses. Next time guy one rose in a vase small one those are usually in the cooler for roses and plants. Then surprise and see what reaction she gives you. Look closely at her face and eyes. Is she focus on you or does she look daze and confuse.

[KBarletta]

Hi kb! I've missed you!!

 

 

It sounds like this girl is a little bit scared but she really likes you. I would go at her pace and allow her to lead the way here. She's probably afraid of moving too fast and with her prior relationship trauma, it makes sense to take it slow.

 

I think everything will work out fine! Try to relax and not analyze it too much.

 

Keep us updated!

 

Hi darkbloom - thanks for the note! I missed you too. I've been kind of quiet since migrating over here from the Divorce section now that that is over and free of drama.

 

I have been trying to do as you suggested. Part of the trouble is that because she is so busy I am usually the one taking the lead on planning get-togethers and asking her out. I am fine with that, and she always accepts or suggests alternatives if she's busy so it's not like she's not interested. It's just a tough dynamic to figure out.

 

I think I have to think less and just enjoy it for what it is right now and just see where it goes. If I didn't already like her so much and feel so strongly about her it would be much easier to do that. :-)

[KBarletta]

I had gone out with women that had issues like this. I thought at first she was shy? I was the one going for the kiss because I didn't see her going for it. Mental state of the mind is tough one to figure out these women make it so unsettling. You might be at a different pace but you have to see where she's at. Liking each one is one thing but if she doesn't make a move on you that's the issue I ran into. Say you and her on the couch she's on the right your on the left I say this way because then you can look at her when you watch a movie. Is her eyes focus on the movie or at you or is she looking in a daze? I say that because that happen to me. What I did is lifted up her legs and place them on me and told her hey let me massage your feet. By doing things like that you might be able to sneak in a kiss. Another thing buy her rose the color she likes as her hey what type of followers you like or what color roses. Next time guy one rose in a vase small one those are usually in the cooler for roses and plants. Then surprise and see what reaction she gives you. Look closely at her face and eyes. Is she focus on you or does she look daze and confuse.

 

 

I have to admit I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting - why she would be in a daze? I get the suggestion to make subtle moves, but what would her being in a daze or confused have to do with it?

 

Sorry if I'm missing something.

[KBarletta]

You have to give her time and space to she can trust you and see your different from her priors. This is the only way this is going to work.

 

Thanks for this comment. This is actually the same conclusion I think I've come to after giving this a good bit of thought. I guess I need to make her see that I am not going to hurt her, while still being romantic/physically forward enough that she doesn't think I've given up and moved on to "just being friends." Because I don't think she is going to make the first move.

 

Helping someone through their fears and getting them to trust me hasn't ever really been a huge part of my dating repertoire before because it wasn't ever really like this before, but if this is going to work I think that is the only way. I guess I'm not sure how to do that exactly, other than to be myself and to let her do the same.

 

She is special enough to me that I'm willing to put in the time and effort that it takes to make this work because I truly think there could be something great here eventually.

[KBarletta]

Hi all,

 

Figured I'd offer a little update. This week has been very strange. We saw each other over the weekend, then I tried to initiate another date for later this week or weekend. Called and texted on Monday just to say hello, left messages. Got a very quick response. Texted again later on Tuesday to see when she was free to get together this week. No response as yet. I asked specific questions too, like "when are you free this week?" Not as if it was something that didn't require a response.

 

So I guess I am wondering what now? When we first met, before we really got to know each other, she was pretty bad about responding to phone messages and texts, but lately she's been much better. I guess I just don't know how much more effort to put in if she is going to be this erratic. I really like her, but I would never ignore her texts for three days.

 

Should I just bail? Wait for her to reach out to me? I hate the idea of doing that because I like her so much and I know she's been through so much, I don't want to be yet another guy who lets her down. BUT I also hate being ignored. Even if there's a good reason why it takes time, I feel like it's not that hard to send someone a text message or call them back. Am I right?

 

Any thoughts?

[lovely81]

I think you should ask her more directly if she sees this going anywhere serious. Seems as if you've spent enough time together, and the uncertainty seems to really be affecting you.