Is He Frustrated Cause I Can't Meet Spontaneous Dates?

[selinaluv]

Hello,

 

So this forum is usually so spot on with people and their tendencies, so I have another one to throw out.

 

I just matched with a man on Wednesday night and it is now Friday afternoon. He travels my way for work often and lives a couple hours away. Not a big deal and I am open to getting to know him. We spoke last night and had nice conversation.

 

I am writing because he wants to meet before he leaves town this evening. I get that, but my schedule for the past day has not been open. I mentioned to him that as a full-time single mom who works 40+ hours a week, I can't always be spontaneous with dates. Plus we just started talking less than 48 hours ago!

 

We match and texted Wed night and Thursday morning he asked if I could meet for a drink that evening. My daughter was sick and I told him I could not make it work. We ended up talking on the phone and it was fun. Today he texted me at 11:30 and I did not see it until 1:30 because I was in a meeting. When I responded he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee at 4:00 and I said I am at work and then meeting family after.

 

I normally wouldn't really explain to him all this, but he seemed a little frustrated. I told him I appreciated him trying and asked when he will be in town again and we responded in a week or so. I said let's plan something and he responded "hopefully". He admitted he was joking, but it is already starting to rub me wrong.

 

I do want to meet him, but I explained to him my situation and he needs to understand that. What is to be made of someone like this? This is a new one for me...

Edited February 24, 2017 by selinaluv

[preraph]

He's the one out of line asking you to last-minute things. He should be on his BEST behavior leading up to a first date/meeting and instead he's treating it like a quickie. No self-respecting woman, kids or no, would agree to his last-minute things because it's disrespectful and hooky-uppy at worst and at best it means he's terrible disorganized and has no manners. So write him off and get a better match.

[d0nnivain]

When I was last dating I owned my own business, was taking care of a sick mom, also had a PT job & served on three boards of trustees, was president of a statewide business organization plus volunteered for yet another organization. Spontaneous was on my scheduled not somebody else's & if you wanted to see me you usually needed to be on my calendar at least 10-14 days in advance.

 

 

A guy who can't plan is a big turn off for me.

 

 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. He needs to understand that. As a single mom you can't just drop everything.

 

 

If he travels for business he must have some advance notice when he will be in your city. It sounds like you'd meet him if he would work with you. If he can't be bothered take a pass. He will never understand that your child is a priority.

[selinaluv]

He's the one out of line asking you to last-minute things. He should be on his BEST behavior leading up to a first date/meeting and instead he's treating it like a quickie. No self-respecting woman, kids or no, would agree to his last-minute things because it's disrespectful and hooky-uppy at worst and at best it means he's terrible disorganized and has no manners. So write him off and get a better match.

 

Yes, that is kind of what my gut is telling me. I am not the kind of mom that asks for a ton of notice and I can make things work because I have my parents close by to help, but I do need more then a few hours. I also need them to understand that and most men do.

 

I also wonder if this smacks a little bit of married man. I don't know why it would, but not sure.

[selinaluv]

When I was last dating I owned my own business, was taking care of a sick mom, also had a PT job & served on three boards of trustees, was president of a statewide business organization plus volunteered for yet another organization. Spontaneous was on my scheduled not somebody else's & if you wanted to see me you usually needed to be on my calendar at least 10-14 days in advance.

 

 

A guy who can't plan is a big turn off for me.

 

 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. He needs to understand that. As a single mom you can't just drop everything.

 

 

If he travels for business he must have some advance notice when he will be in your city. It sounds like you'd meet him if he would work with you. If he can't be bothered take a pass. He will never understand that your child is a priority.

 

Yes I offered twice to meet up with him next time he is in town. To me waiting a week or two in these circumstances is not that big of a deal.

 

And in reality... is a woman dropping everything to spontaneously meet with a stranger attractive either? I think most men respect and appreciate I have my life and responsibilities.

[preraph]

Yes, it reeks of a man who is sneaking around, definitely. Ask for more than a few hours, at least a day. But not with him. He's already taking an attitude when it's him in the wrong.

[selinaluv]

Yes, it reeks of a man who is sneaking around, definitely. Ask for more than a few hours, at least a day. But not with him. He's already taking an attitude when it's him in the wrong.

 

He claims he wasn't bugged about it, but I am not sure I believe him because his texts held a little bit too much snark to them.

 

The exchange after I asked him when he is in town next actually went like this:

 

Me - Ok that is not too far out. We can make that work.

Him - hopefully

Me - You don't think I won't make it work?

Him - I think you will. Giving you an out

Me - Why would you do that?

Him - I'm teasing

 

That is an example.

 

And reeks is a strong word, but the more I think about it, the more I think you are right.

[d0nnivain]

Not everybody gives good text. I read insecurity not snark.

 

 

If he gave you a date next week, go meet him. then you will have more info to evaluate your next move

[selinaluv]

Not everybody gives good text. I read insecurity not snark.

 

If he gave you a date next week, go meet him. then you will have more info to evaluate your next move

 

Okay, thanks for the feedback on the text. I also get a sense of insecurity here and there. That I am giving excuses not to see him versus actual reasons. I am trying to debunk that by expressing that I do want to see him when he returns.

 

And I would like to meet him when he comes back, but if he keeps it up, I will lose interest.

[d0nnivain]

Nail him down

 

 

You: what day next week will you be in town? I'm free & can get a babysitter on [fill in date]

 

 

If he doesn't respond concretely to that, stop wasting your time.

[Dis]

Pshhhhh!!!

 

No, no, no

 

I had a guy do this to me a few months back...I'm not even a Mom but I need my date to respect and value my time just I do theirs. I shut that guy down quickly

 

It kind of speaks to a person's character and seriousness in dating when they cant be bothered to make plans ahead of time

 

These types are time wasters

 

Tell him you're no longer interested and move on...dont let him throw you breadcrumbs about the bar he wants to meet you at in 1.5 hours

[selinaluv]

Nail him down

 

 

You: what day next week will you be in town? I'm free & can get a babysitter on [fill in date]

 

 

If he doesn't respond concretely to that, stop wasting your time.

 

I did ask and he actually could not give me concrete days/week when he will be in town. I said let me know in advance and I can plan.

 

I am going to try this again when he gives me a better idea. I also don't want him planning his return based on me and I have a vibe he could do that.

[smackie9]

It is what it is.....your scheduling in not compatible. Stop wasting your time.

 

I really don't get why people don't just restrict themselves to dating someone that is within like 20 mins or half hour from each other. The way I see it, if you struggle to get together just to get a date, it should be a dealbreaker.

[Gaeta]

He is a huge waste of your time. If he wants to date a spontaneous woman then he needs to stay away from hard working single mothers. If you want to date a nice man then you better stay away from men from out town. You need a local man you can get to know on your heavy schedule.

[selinaluv]

It is what it is.....your scheduling in not compatible. Stop wasting your time.

 

I really don't get why people don't just restrict themselves to dating someone that is within like 20 mins or half hour from each other. The way I see it, if you struggle to get together just to get a date, it should be a dealbreaker.

 

I do agree with this. He stays only a few miles from me when he is in town, so I figured it was worth a meet up.

 

But is it fair to say we struggle to get together when he is literally giving me a few hours notice? And requesting time during normal working hours? Many people can't make that work for a variety of reasons.

 

I can make things work for the right people with a day or two notice and I think that timeline is fair. Esp for a first meet up.

[selinaluv]

He is a huge waste of your time. If he wants to date a spontaneous woman then he needs to stay away from hard working single mothers. If you want to date a nice man then you better stay away from men from out town. You need a local man you can get to know on your heavy schedule.

 

Fair enough. I have this problem with many men. Just happened with the last one. He was too busy and I was too busy. Such is life. Many seem to not want to accommodate the single mom thing and I get that.

 

Often I don't know why they meet up in the first place and act like it's all good in the beginning. Well I do know why... they think because I am "lonely single milf" that I am easy.

[Gaeta]

Fair enough. I have this problem with many men. Just happened with the last one. He was too busy and I was too busy. Such is life. Many seem to not want to accommodate the single mom thing and I get that.

 

Often I don't know why they meet up in the first place and act like it's all good in the beginning. Well I do know why... they think because I am "lonely single milf" that I am easy.

 

Try do date fathers.

 

It takes a dad to understand a mom.

 

Even if my daughter is an adult now I always aimed at dating a father. There is just something we understand between each other.

[smackie9]

You have to weed out the crap for sure..........

[selinaluv]

Try do date fathers.

 

It takes a dad to understand a mom.

 

Even if my daughter is an adult now I always aimed at dating a father. There is just something we understand between each other.

 

This is so true. The best, successful online dating relationships I have had were with single dads. We respected our situations. It had it's moments (ex-spouses, etc) but the kids were never an issue. We balanced the time properly and understood we couldn't be at each others beck and call.

 

Two in particular stood out. Even though they did not work out, both actually have become some of my closest friends. We often talk daily and just get each other in the single parent struggle.

 

Adding that the second best option are men who were raised by single moms. Men with and without children who had a single mother will treat you like a queen. They express the utmost respect because they saw the struggle firsthand. In the cases above, both were also raised by single moms.

Edited February 25, 2017 by selinaluv

[Cookiesandough]

He lives too far imo. Might be ok if you wanna fling but these distances don't too often work esp if you're ALREADY having probs

[selinaluv]

He lives too far imo. Might be ok if you wanna fling but these distances don't too often work esp if you're ALREADY having probs

 

I'm not opposed to a fling. But it already feels like it is getting too complicated, which is the exact opposite what a fling should feel like.

 

I told him I was unavailable tonight because we were having an evening with family and friends. He then proceeds to text me around 7:45 asking me what I am up too. That feels like a check on me moment and a little too much for a Friday night and someone I have not met.

 

I am disappointed that he is quickly turning me off. Thanks everyone for your sound advice.

Edited February 25, 2017 by selinaluv

[Cookiesandough]

Wow that is way too pushy!. You can't ask someone you met 48 hours ago to drop and meet you like a booty call and get snarky when they suggest planning ahead. the way he responded "hopefully" .... was that necessary?

[bene]

I think it's a rule of thumb that if you already have "problems" before even meeting in person, it means that you're not compatible no matter what the reason.

Early dating is where everyone is at their best behaviour and it should be light and fun. If you have arguments already in that stage and you have to defend yourself and the way your life is organized, it is simple incompatibility.

[Gaeta]

I'm not opposed to a fling. But it already feels like it is getting too complicated, which is the exact opposite what a fling should feel like.

 

Have you told him this? Because if you did than it's why he lost all of his manners. If you are looking for a boyfriend then never tell a man you'd be ok with a quickie here and there. His respect for you will go out the window on that moment.

[selinaluv]

Have you told him this? Because if you did than it's why he lost all of his manners. If you are looking for a boyfriend then never tell a man you'd be ok with a quickie here and there. His respect for you will go out the window on that moment.

 

No I usually don't tell any man that (even if there may be truth in it) and I definitely didn't tell this one.

 

In fact when he initially told me where he lived I mentioned it was kind of a bummer with the distance... saying I am looking for more than a hook up. He said the distance shouldn't be an issue because he is here so much.