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Living with parents


joemarriage

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I've got a weird question. My xgf lives with her parents with her child and the new girl I've gone out with a few times lives with her parents.

Is this a new thing?

I'm 42, xgf was 33 new girl I've gone out with is 36. We live in Southern California and I understand things are expensive. I have been on my own since I turned 18, own my own home, which is 7 years from being paid off.

I guess I just find it odd that so many people still live with their parents. Do you think it is because they don't want to deal with responsibility? Or is it just convineant to live at home.

I always worry that these women are going to want to move into my house too quickly.

TIA

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Most of the men I dated over the past year lived with a parent. I think it's a combination of many factors including divorce, job loss or financial stress. And, there is just plain laziness and lack of motivation. I think alot is laziness. I mean you have a babysitter, food preparer and someone to do your laundry and housework.

 

I met with a 48 year old male who lived with his mom. He said it was due to a divorce and job loss. However he was pissed that he had to cut his mom's grass because the man she paid to cut her grass had died. I told him that she should have never had to pay anyone to cut her grass as he was living with her.

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I live at home because I am doing a bloody podiatry degree.

 

How many med students can get distinctions in their full time studies and fit in 30 hrs waiting tables?

 

I am 30.

 

I don't live at home because I am lazy. Not wanting juggle 50 hours of study with 30 to 40 hours of work doesn't make me lazy.

 

No guy I've dated has batted an eyelid. My current bf who recently back together with happily supported me....... he isn't into lazy girls. He just doesn't assume that all adults living with folks are lazy.

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If they were caring for their ill/disabled parents, that's fine. In all other situations, I would be wary of dating them, yes.

 

That being said, if you are 42 and want to date someone 9 years younger, you shouldn't really be expecting the person to be your financial equal. Perhaps a 42-yo woman would be more likely to own her own house as well?

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For the first time in modern times more people living with parents(18-35) than any other living arrangement.

 

Society is regressing. It used to be that the goal of any decent parent is that their kids surpassed them in lifestyle and earnings. No motivation, no responsibility. Parents themselves are to blame.

 

No guy I've dated has batted an eyelid.

 

Yup I believe that, proves my point.

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I had a OLD meet up that went like this...

 

Me: "What do you do for work?"

 

Him: "I don't have a job right now."

 

Me: "Do you have an apartment? what kind of job are you looking for?"

 

Him: "I'm not looking too hard right now, I just stay with my mom and help her out."

 

Me: "Help her out? Is she ill?"

 

Him: "No, she works full time, I help her take care of her house."

 

Me: "Oh, what kind of work have you done before?"

 

Him: "Odd jobs here and there. I'm going to go smoke."

 

He left to go outside to smoke.. went out with him and found out he was smoking weed in the parking lot.

 

My synopsis... Mooching off mom, not looking to work, and a pothead.... deal breaker. He is 36 btw.

 

Now if his mom had been disabled or very elderly and he was taking care of her would have been a different story. Well, until I found out about the drugs anyway....

 

At my age, (40) I don't find it acceptable to be living with parents unless they are elderly and need care, or the person is going through school or something. Even going through a divorce you should eventually have your own place. I mean, if you are so recently through a divorce that you don't even have a place of your own yet, you obviously don't have your stuff together and aren't ready for a relationship, In my eyes.

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Lily: I’ve been stunned at how many women tell me (I’m talking dudes 40 plus) the number of now unemployed, underemployed, dated dudes who asked for money or to “borrow” money.

 

So many dudes now are complete deadbeats and child support averters is stunning and it will get worse because less dudes are now going to college.

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It's generational.

 

People my age (51) would move out of their parents early. I was 17 in my case and we never moved back and would never dream of moving back. We were raised to make it on our own and moving back to our parents was shameful.

 

The new generation under 35 can't move out of their parents. They almost have to be kicked out. My youngest brother is 35 and even though he has 2 University degree he moved in and out of our parent's house like it's his secondary domicile.

 

The 35 and under are a very indecisive generation. Probably because they have too much choice. When I was 17 we had to pick a career that would pay the bills and there was no chichi about finding a work that would 'fulfilled' us. We would get the fulfillment in our hobbies. My brother of 35 as an example has gone back to Uni 3 times. My daughter who's 30 has 3 different degrees as well. Can't make up her mind.

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I've been on my own since I was 18 too, but from what I've observed, If you are a renter in a high rent area, it's real attractive when you have your little old mom who lives month to month and barely makes ends meet, but has a house that she's had for 30, 40, 50 years with several empty rooms and/or an empty granny unit, and boy could she use an extra $500 to 1000 a month (which is cheaper than outside rents). Next thing you know you're "helping" your mom out and she's "helping" you out too.

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It is a bit of a function of the times & the high cost of living in certain areas. If mom & dad's house is nicer then anything they can afford on their own, there's an incentive to stay.

 

 

I moved out for college. Moved back in for grad school; was on my own by 23. But I moved back in for 6 months when I was 33 because I took a new job 15 minutes from my parents' house & 2 hours with traffic from the apartment I shared with my then BF. I had bought a house near to my new job but there were complications & the closing kept getting delayed. I stayed with parents during the week M - Thurs but went to my apartment on the weekends.

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OP if you are that worried, either you refuse to date people living in this type of situation, or investigate why, and make a decision from there.

 

You have complete control...if your new GF wants to move in quickly simply dump her.

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WaitingForBardot

It would seem that the living arrangements themselves are not necessarily a problem, unless they are symptoms of some larger issue...

 

My wife and I, although close in age, grew up in different worlds. My stepfather made it very clear to me when I was 16 that my 18th birthday was the last day I was welcome in their house. I moved out the next month. My wife and her brothers/sisters OTOH lived with their parents well into their 20s. The difference I guess was that they were working and saving, so that when they did move out it was for good, barring health crises or the like.

 

So for our kids, they are always welcome in our home as long as they pitch in around the house, are working, and the money they earn is being saved for eventual independence. Interestingly, the periods when they've been at home have not negatively impacted their ability to get dates, have girlfriends, etc.

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I have made it clear to my kids that when they turn 18, they must go to college or work full-time and move out. While they are in college they work 10 hours a week and contribute 100% of that to their necessary expenses and the rest is covered by us their parents. Anything more they want they must work for. If they are not in college, they live on their own and receive no financial help from us, period. If they are working full time and trying to save to buy a house then we can negatioate.

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Almost 40 percent of young adults lived with their parents, step-parents, grandparents and other relatives last year, or the highest point in 75 years.

I have had many conversation over the years in my workplace (lots of student interns where I work) and when we get into conversations about lifestyles a significant majority of them tell me things like:

 

*They have never had to do chores

*They never had to wash their own clothes

*Never had to clean their own rooms

*Never had a job as a teen

*Parents make their car payments and insurance payments

Heck a lady recently sued her parents to make them pay for her college said it was their “responsibility” to pay for her college.

 

This is a much greater societal issue and absolutely affects the dating world.

 

Younger generations of dudes living off of and mooching off parents… proudly and looking for women who will provide for them.

 

In my realm, dating women in their 50’s still having young adults living off them and living with them (freaking 30 plus year olds) and SIGNIFICANTLY still invested in these “kids” lives. That is freaking insane.

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In some cultures it's perfectly normal.....all the family lives together lol. Maybe this is a change happening in our own culture.

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Sadly for my kids, I'm not rich, but for those who are rich and have an abundance of disposable income, I can't say that I really knock them for funding their kids for an extended period of time, maybe even a lifetime. That is one of the privileges of wealth.

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I consider myself lucky. I'm 25, married, and just bought a house. I never moved back home after finishing my undergrad and now work full time while taking grad classes part time. Rent in my area is very expensive and most of my friends still live with their parents simply because they can't afford to live on their own. Almost all of them are paying back student loans. They have degrees and are employed. Millennials aren't always lazy, it's economics.

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Ugh I feel like it is not generational, it depends on the attitude of the parents to the child and vice versa.

 

I moved out at 22 and has never looked back for help from family. I haven't received any offers from them either haha. My sister - stayed with mom until she got pregnant at 27, then moved with BF to... another property of mom. Both her and her BF never lived by themselves before, never bothered paying rent or mortgage, he's in his mid-30s which for me is mind blowing.

 

Career changing I think is more of a generational thing. I *may* consider a career change but obviously if so - on my own expense after getting substantial amounts of payments to my house and investments start working well for me. Going back to school on mommy and daddy's expense after 25 is insane IMO...

 

It's generational.

 

People my age (51) would move out of their parents early. I was 17 in my case and we never moved back and would never dream of moving back. We were raised to make it on our own and moving back to our parents was shameful.

 

The new generation under 35 can't move out of their parents. They almost have to be kicked out. My youngest brother is 35 and even though he has 2 University degree he moved in and out of our parent's house like it's his secondary domicile.

 

The 35 and under are a very indecisive generation. Probably because they have too much choice. When I was 17 we had to pick a career that would pay the bills and there was no chichi about finding a work that would 'fulfilled' us. We would get the fulfillment in our hobbies. My brother of 35 as an example has gone back to Uni 3 times. My daughter who's 30 has 3 different degrees as well. Can't make up her mind.

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In my realm, dating women in their 50’s still having young adults living off them and living with them (freaking 30 plus year olds) and SIGNIFICANTLY still invested in these “kids” lives. That is freaking insane.

 

And sadly, these kids will always be kids.... It is very hard becoming a functional member of the society if you're fully abled and still mooching off mommy at 30+...

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They have degrees and are employed. Millennials aren't always lazy, it's economics.

No matter what the reasons are, the decision is robbing “Millennials” of their transition into adulthood for further development. Millennials need to plan to move out and develop regardless of circumstances.

 

Parents must make a decision. However, the decision is not whether or not to kick out their adult children, but whether or not their adult children are ready to take the next step into adulthood. This also goes into whether or not they can even get into develop and maintain an adult relationship.

 

Leaving home to develop into adulthood is crucial for many reasons. Adult children are still developing their identities. Living with parents means dependency. They must graduate into independency to truly shape their identity beyond parents. Responsibility, resourcefulness, and problem solving are other skills developed by young adults when they move out of their parent’s house.

 

The other side of this is kids that choose to mooch off their parents does not allow the parents the freedom to enjoy their own lives and save for their retirements. Parents are going into debt much later in life because they are the financial safety net for their kids. This is seriously screwed up.

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I think it's a complex theme, and not something right or wrong. The circumstances are everything, and must be known before forming an opinion 1 way or the other, I think.

 

She has a child. There may be a reason to do with childcare that keeps her at home.

 

It may be cultural.

 

It may be an arrangement to financially support the parents.

 

It may be an arrangement to financially support her.

 

She may just not enjoy living alone/alone with her kid.

 

So long as someone willingly cleans and helps when we're together, I don't mind it at all. My man is from a culture where it's the norm, and I'd like to think we'll all stay so close throughout the years to come, and open our home to his parents, should they ever need it and we're still together.

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Of course it's generational. It goes hand in hand with having less children nowadays, children being treated like kings in the household, that whole ADD, OCD generation being medicated from the time they get out of their crib, all this new technology taking over their young brains. Young adults staying home with their parents is a fairly new phenomena and it's been studied 100 of times. It's called Failure to launch their life. Always pushing back becoming a full adult and taking 100% responsibility to provide for themselves.

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No matter what the reasons are, the decision is robbing “Millennials” of their transition into adulthood for further development. Millennials need to plan to move out and develop regardless of circumstances.

 

 

There are new "adult-ing" classes popping up to teach these poor souls life skills: how to open a bank account; how to manage money; how to fold a fitted sheet (I'm serious).

 

 

It's kind of sad. The reality is you don't grow up until you have to.

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Oh a point about those taking about this being normal for some cultures.

 

I lived across the street growing up from an Asian family. Modest home and I bet a few generations growing up under same roof. Few other grade school friends in California many families did this.

 

Had a Middle Eastern friend his family same thing. However these families were ALL very wealthy and the kids worked their @$$es off from when they were very young they were NOT freeloaders.

 

All of these kids grew up to be wealthy successful adults. The cultures that do this, do this as a strategy to keep the wealth in the family.

 

What I am talking about are lazy freeloaders who absolutely refuse to grow up, don’t work, not going to school and draining parents financial safety net.

 

I have dated countless women who told me they broke in off with dudes because eventually as they got comfortable asked them for money.

 

I wonder where these dudes got that brilliant idea. The bad thing is too many women fall in "love" and the trap.

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