Can attraction develop over time?

[purplesoccer34]

In the past, I've only agreed to second dates if I felt immediate sparks upon meeting the person. When I was younger, I would tell myself that I knew within minutes whether I liked the guy or not--but I'm realizing now how naive that sounds, maybe even shallow.

 

Truthfully, I've only ever had two relationships--one which lasted a for a couple of years, and another which lasted few months (yeah, I'm not sure if that can be called a relationship then haha), but with both of these guys, I felt instant attraction immediately upon meeting them. Something about their looks and personalities drew me in, and I just couldn't get enough of them. I was in deep very quickly. Otherwise, I have been on a number of first dates, but didn't feel instant attraction on any of them, so I didn't contact the guy again. But maybe I made a mistake by doing that, possibly saying no to really great guy.

 

Recently, I met a new guy and we've gone on one date--and no, I didn't feel instant attraction. But I'm very strongly leaning toward going on a second date to see where it goes. There was something different about him--he seemed a little reserved, but I have a slight feeling that after a few dates we may connect rather well. So far, I can't say that I am attracted to him, but I do see someone who could be a good friend. Is there a chance that this could turn to attraction?

 

If things don't work out with this guy, I've made the decision in the future to not write someone off immediately after just one date. But I don't know, can attraction develop over time, or do you really need to feel immediate sparks in order to be in a happy relationship?

[TunaInTheBrine]

Yes, attraction can definitely grow over time. It's nice when it's there from the start, but I've seen it happen (at least for women) in many instances.

 

My sister met someone through online dating who took four dates to kiss her. She was really unsure about him initially. They fell madly in love, got married four years ago, and just had their first child.

 

I also know another woman who used to write guys off if something wasn't there initially. The guy she ended up marrying was someone who actually emailed her on a dating site and she didn't even respond to him for a month. When she did decide to give him a chance, I'm pretty sure she thought 'no' at first and then decided to give him yet another chance. They married and now have two kids.

 

So yeah, it happens! It's probably more likely that a definite unattraction at the start is harder to save, but at least a "let's see about this one" feeling can lead to good things!

[CloudyHead]

Unless I knew on the first date that there was no interest, I usually scheduled a second date with a person. First dates can be awkward and uncomfortable. At the second date each of you are more relaxed.

 

And, yes, attraction can develop with time. I met my BF through OLD. I wasn't attracted to him when we first met. In fact, I was a little disappointed. But I saw him casually for about four months while dating other men. He knew I was dating other men. He grew on me. Now, I think he's the hottest sexiest man on the planet!!

[GoldSparkz]

In my opinion, people nowadays place too much value on that instant 'spark', and if it ain't there, they move on. This is fine if you're looking for something casual, but if your looking for a partner, who will be your best friend as well as lover then the 'spark' needs to take a back seat. Yes, you need to be attracted to the guy, but isn't it possible for the spark to develop over time? Perhaps I'm too old-fashioned, but I don't care

[Tribble]

As others have said, yes it can develop over time. It does for me. But I've never had instant strong attraction to someone. I need a bit of personality and connection for me to consider them attractive.

 

The problem you have is you've had this instant attraction and want it again, which is fair enough. But consider that those relationships didn't work. You say they burned hot and fast. So having instant attraction in these cases didn't work to create a happy relationship. Changing something up may help.

 

I'm not saying to pursue anything if you have no incline of attraction because that doesn't work. But a second date with someone who may have potential could work. My only concern here is you think he may be a good friend. If, after another date or two, you still have this thought, don't lead the guy on.

[todreaminblue]

instant attraction for me hardly ever happens...i like to know the guy pretty well before even dating....normally when i get to know the man over time.....my attraction develops.as a friend first.......the longer i know him the deeper the attraction...and by the time i date.....im already quite sure the guy is someone i see myself long term with....and my attraction doesnt fade....even when the flaws come out...thats why my relationships are always over six months..i am not a fly by nighter.....fiteen years the longest...i develop intense attraction......deb

[todreaminblue]

Not REALLY!

 

 

Oh, you can be surprised laters.

 

 

 

__________________

She had blue skin, And so did he.

He kept it hid, And so did she.

They searched for blue, Their whole life through.

Then passed right by, And never knew.― Shel Silverstein

 

 

this is one of my favourite shel silverstein poems....its wistful....inspiring..so i wrote one of my own blue poems its called idioms of blue...and then found a lady who wrote a book called bluets through my creative writing teacher who was reading it.......blue actually has intense attraction for some...i really believe its a soulmate color....subtle irony ...in athread on attraction.....anyhoo....just wanted say lol...i love shel silverstein..he is an awesome poet...genius.......deb

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it definitely can for women but definitely can't for men (haven't found any cases that show otherwise).

[Larryville]

Can attraction develop over time?

 

In an earlier era when people actually took the time to learn about each other.

We are in an era of flakes so now NO!

[carhill]

In the past, I've only agreed to second dates if I felt immediate sparks upon meeting the person. When I was younger, I would tell myself that I knew within minutes whether I liked the guy or not--but I'm realizing now how naive that sounds, maybe even shallow.

I tend to see it more as your attraction style. Some people are all or nothing, others grow, others revisit, etc, etc. There's no right or wrong way, rather a way that works for each person and fits with their emotional style.

Truthfully, I've only ever had two relationships--one which lasted a for a couple of years, and another which lasted few months (yeah, I'm not sure if that can be called a relationship then haha), but with both of these guys, I felt instant attraction immediately upon meeting them. Something about their looks and personalities drew me in, and I just couldn't get enough of them. I was in deep very quickly. Otherwise, I have been on a number of first dates, but didn't feel instant attraction on any of them, so I didn't contact the guy again. But maybe I made a mistake by doing that, possibly saying no to really great guy.

 

There are a lot of 'great guys' in the world, along with 'great ladies'. Part of romance and the chemistry of relationships is timing. If you weren't attracted at the time, even if they were or might be great guys, you weren't attracted. Could you meet the same person at another time in life and be attracted? Possibly!

 

Recently, I met a new guy and we've gone on one date--and no, I didn't feel instant attraction. But I'm very strongly leaning toward going on a second date to see where it goes. There was something different about him--he seemed a little reserved, but I have a slight feeling that after a few dates we may connect rather well. So far, I can't say that I am attracted to him, but I do see someone who could be a good friend. Is there a chance that this could turn to attraction?

 

Anything is possible; however, if your intrinsic style is 'feeling it' right away, and that isn't the case with this guy, I doubt it'll happen or, if things change, you'll doubt yourself and the initial lack of attraction will reside somewhere in the back of your mind and rear its head later on when the rose colored glasses are off and real relationship stuff starts, should things go that far.

 

If things don't work out with this guy, I've made the decision in the future to not write someone off immediately after just one date. But I don't know, can attraction develop over time, or do you really need to feel immediate sparks in order to be in a happy relationship?

 

Good on you for trying; IME, this kind of change needs to be elemental, not something you 'think', lest you'll be thinking any resultant relationships and in my life experience that's not a healthy place to be, on either side.

 

I personally have yet to meet a woman who changed her mind about attraction from little/none to substantial over time. Met plenty who had zero and remained zero or went the other way. I think the one I married was a decision maker who was, like yourself, trying something different but ultimately it didn't work for her and, when married life got real, that glue for her wasn't there so she bailed. IMO, she should've remained authentic and never even dated me, at all. Both our lives would've been far healthier.

 

Good luck in your pursuits...

[Redhead14]

In the past, I've only agreed to second dates if I felt immediate sparks upon meeting the person. When I was younger, I would tell myself that I knew within minutes whether I liked the guy or not--but I'm realizing now how naive that sounds, maybe even shallow.

 

Truthfully, I've only ever had two relationships--one which lasted a for a couple of years, and another which lasted few months (yeah, I'm not sure if that can be called a relationship then haha), but with both of these guys, I felt instant attraction immediately upon meeting them. Something about their looks and personalities drew me in, and I just couldn't get enough of them. I was in deep very quickly. Otherwise, I have been on a number of first dates, but didn't feel instant attraction on any of them, so I didn't contact the guy again. But maybe I made a mistake by doing that, possibly saying no to really great guy.

 

Recently, I met a new guy and we've gone on one date--and no, I didn't feel instant attraction. But I'm very strongly leaning toward going on a second date to see where it goes. There was something different about him--he seemed a little reserved, but I have a slight feeling that after a few dates we may connect rather well. So far, I can't say that I am attracted to him, but I do see someone who could be a good friend. Is there a chance that this could turn to attraction?

 

If things don't work out with this guy, I've made the decision in the future to not write someone off immediately after just one date. But I don't know, can attraction develop over time, or do you really need to feel immediate sparks in order to be in a happy relationship?

 

Unless, you were completely and totally turned off by a person, IMO, it should at least be given the opportunity to grow. A relationship develops for that very reason . . . the attraction grows and grows over time. People should buy plants that have some buds on them, rather than plants that are in full bloom. When you do that, you don't usually have the plant for very long.

[Gaeta]

Yes attraction can build over time. I am talking a couple of weeks, not a couple of months. Give the guy 2-3 dates before discarding him.

[Ronnys93]

Yes, it can. Has happened to me quite a few times. However, I think usually in most instances the question is 'Will' the attraction develop over time? That's not something any of us can answer but it just takes time for that question to be answered.

[SevenCity]

I think it definitely can for women but definitely can't for men (haven't found any cases that show otherwise).

 

Attraction can grow for either sex but you need to be at a minimum baseline in order for that to happen. As long as they are a 5 or better on your scale of 1 - 10 their other qualities can make them more attractive. Women tend to find confidence and humor especially attractive.

 

The opposite is also true, someone can be unbelievably good looking and as you get to know them the attraction lessons due to a bad personality. Both have happened to me (I'm a man).

 

But guys tend to put more of an emphasis on looks and engage their emotions right away because of it. Women do it as well but can develop feelings over time depending on how the guy acts.

[chix]

I have only ever met people through real-life situations, just for context, so cannot comment on anything to do with online dating.

 

Just based solely on my own experiences, I grow attraction to someone over time; that's always how that has happened. It continues to grow, too, so long as the relationship is healthy.

[Cookiesandough]

I hear a lot of women say they may not feel any initial "chemistry" on the first few dates but over time may develop an attraction. In order to simplify it I want to define "romantic attraction" as a strong desire to connect with someone emotionally and physically, but this question can includes physical attraction too. Men, have you ever experienced not being initially romantically/sexual attracted to a woman, but the more you got to know her and her personality, that changed? How about if you felt a small amount already on the first dates but that grew substantially over time(months, years) Please share your experience if this happened for you.

[Shanex]

Good question.

 

Yes, and more as I'm aging. I'll try to go straight to the point to answer, in my younger years I was often the ''white knight'' falling too fast, too hard for a woman, usually around my age. The 'honeymoon' lasted for some weeks or months at best, before fading with time.

 

Now, I'm still pretty impressed physically by a few women that seem available to me, but it does take them longer to get a hold on my mind. Speaking of my experience in my 30s. And twenties for the paragraph above.

 

I can sense some sort of ''love at first sight'' undertone in your OP as if there isn't much attraction first will it develop over time for you guys too, on every aspects, my answer would be: aye.

[Rko28]

I've never gone on a 2nd date with someone if there wasn't something there that I was attracted to on the 1st date.

 

Attraction does grow (can also decrease) the more you see and get to know someone.

[chix]

I've never gone on a 2nd date with someone if there wasn't something there that I was attracted to on the 1st date.

 

Attraction does grow (can also decrease) the more you see and get to know someone.

 

Do you mind if I ask you to explain this more? I'm curious to learn more about your perspective, because the first sentence seems to conflict with the second. Am I reading it wrong?

[Lilyana76]

When you meet someone you can tell right off if you are attracted to them or not, this is all physical attraction.

 

When you sit and talk to them, get to know them, they can become even more or less attractive to you depending on your emotional gauge of them. I have met some men that other women would think were not physically attractive at all, but I noticed how beautiful their eyes are when they talk about their kids, or how they move when they listen to certain music. Makes them more attractive to me emotionally which makes them more attractive physically.

[Rko28]

Do you mind if I ask you to explain this more? I'm curious to learn more about your perspective, because the first sentence seems to conflict with the second. Am I reading it wrong?

 

Sorry, poorly worded my part.

 

I'm probably in the wrong but in the past I'd only see someone again if I found instant chemistry and felt that spark.

 

However, attraction does grow,for instance my current girlfriend, every time I see her I get more attracted to her.

 

But I think there does have to be that initial pull there

[Hopeful30]

The honest answer is No!

 

I dated my ex for 1.5 years because he was an incredible person and I hoped desperately that I would grow attracted to him, but I never did. If it's not there in the beginning, it won't suddenly pop into existence.

[carhill]

Also, I noticed something else, most markedly since getting divorced, where initially I was attracted to someone, and felt it was mutual from the interaction, but refrained from asking her out due to past horrible problems with married women and, hehe, yup she turned out to be married. Now, a couple years later she's divorced and ostensibly single, still as beautiful and intelligent as ever, and bleh, there's nothing. If I asked her out I'd be thinking it, not feeling it, like I should do it because I felt something in the past. The good news for women is that most men don't think like this

 

What I think happened was, due to the interaction while she was married, and not knowing that, an old bad OM tape played and it killed any attraction I might have forever. Not her responsibility at all. She'll have no problem replacing her past husband, even with three kids. Just sharing the psychology part of it as one anecdote.

 

Personally, I think simpler, more normal guys who go after whatever catches their eye, married or single, do far better and women find them more attractive because they understand them, and have since young and, even if they don't find them attractive, appreciate the simplicity and directness of the interaction. That appreciation can grow into attraction over time even if not immediately.

 

I recall, with the lady I married, the first time I met her, I was more annoyed than attracted. She was a half hour late for our lunch date

[MrDuck]

I met my gf at work. When I met her sparks didn't fly, romantic music didn't play and I didn't walk away like 'she's the one'

 

I thought she was attractive, sure! And I thought she was funny she has a really dry sense of humour, and I thought she was good at her job, I was happy to be her partner at work, but on paper she wasnt my type..

 

I consider myself a nonconformist, a free spirt, a risk taker, ...and you know that's the kind I go for too.. the dreamer, who's not tied down by practicality!

I didn't have family, and I moved lots, and I guess you might have called me flaky, and I certainly went for flaky girls!

 

She was anything but, she's pragmatic, logical, down-to-earth, black-and-white-thinking, straight shooting, wonderfully sarcastic girlfriend.. beautiful and as time went by I fell head over heels for her!

 

On paper i'd of said no way. Me and her would never work. We we're miles apart and we'd be lost in translation but we're not! That girl single handedly changed my 'type'!

 

 

I love astronomy and the stars, but I'm not a massive zodiac believer or anything, although i do think astrology and the beliefs of our ancestors is mighty interesting, i dont believe that you can divide humanity up into 12 neat little categories. However whatever you make of the zodiac this paragraph is one of the best ways to describe mine and my gfs relationship that i've come across

At first glance, there doesn’t seem to a lot connecting the Sagittarius man and the Capricorn woman – and yet, this is a relationship which can surprise a lot of people. What is it about this couple that seems to work against the odds?

 

The Sagittarius man is a quester, a seeker and a risk taker. The Capricorn woman, by contrast, is all about the here and the know, the concrete and the knowable.

And yet Sagittarius man and Capricorn woman compatibility does exist, and the couple can sense it. Perhaps the Sagittarius man is drawn to the power and authority of the Capricorn woman, almost in spite of himself. Perhaps the Capricorn woman is intrigued by the devil may care attitude of the Sagittarius man, although she would probably never admit it!

 

The Sagittarius man, once he gets to know her, is impressed with the Capricorn woman’s wisdom and self-assurance. As an intellectual sign, he appreciates knowledge, and she certainly has plenty of that. More of it, in fact, that her age would suggest.

For her part, the Capricorn woman appreciates the Sagittarius man’s ability to surprise her and to bring spontaneity into her ordered life. She would probably hate this from most other men, but he does it with such charm that she cannot help but be bowled over.

 

The Capricorn woman is very financially savvy, and has saved carefully all of her life. What she will make of her Sagittarius man’s decision to blow their life savings on a boat to sail around the world in… can only be imagined. She will not be pleased. And yet – there’s something wistful about the Capricorn woman which would actually like to throw caution to the wind. And in the Sagittarius man, she finds the perfect excuse.

 

Although the Sagittarius man is not the most faithful of men, he seems to make an exception for the Capricorn woman, and by and large stays committed at her side. Perhaps it’s because the Capricorn woman doesn’t show jealousy, and therefore doesn’t paint him into a corner and try to take away his freedom. Because she lets him be, he gives up his freedom voluntarily. It’s quite something to see. Surprising as it may be, Sagittarius man Capricorn woman compatibility is one of the quirkiest but potentially most enduring matches in the zodiac.

https://www.astromatcha.com/astrology-compatibility/sagittarius-compatibility/sagittarius-man-and-capricorn-woman/]source

 

But that didnt appear over night. It was like a year before we started dating, and it took a good 9/10 months of working together everyday before we sort of fell into the dynamic that we have. Instantly i liked her, but i didnt see her as a romantic partner. But bit by bit, day by day, that changed, and now? I cant imagine my life without her!!!

[Stillits]

Sure. I may not be attracted to someone physically upon first seeing them, but if we get along very well and they have an attractive personality, I can very easily find myself gradually appreciating their physical traits too.

 

It also works the other way around. I might find someone extremely attractive physically, but then come to find out they have an unattractive personality and the physical attraction will decrease or cease too.