Complacency - How Do You Deal With It or Prevent It

[kcarmen70]

Hello - I'm completely new here and hoping for some feedback on complacency. I've been dating a man for about 2 years (we do not live together) and more recently (within the last 6 months) I feel that complacency has set in with him. Quite honestly I feel I'm doing a lot more for our relationship than he is. We are both aware of each others love languages and I try on a constant basis to speak love to him through those love languages that make him feel loved. It's one of those situations where I feel like I'm always doing for him, I'm in tune with his needs, what makes him feel special, loved, etc. and I do those things. I'll surprise him from time to time with little things or doing things for him to make his life easier, I'll cook for him, clean for him, etc. I suggest things for us to do that keep us engaged and active rather than sitting home just watching television, I feel I go above and beyond. I'm not just tooting my own horn, those close to me have told me the same, that I do so much and he's lucky to have me. I don't feel like he pulls his weight in the relationship and feel like he's comfortable. I feel as though his effort comes in waves as in the effort ascends when I mention something and have conversations about it with him, but descends after he's done a few things or time has gone by. When we are together we have fun, we have no issues what so ever we laugh, get along great, etc. but I do feel as though I'm always the one planning things for us to do when we are together & always doing things for him when we're apart. We don't have a lot of time together and often times we're apart more than we are together so it's during those times I think it's important to still do little things. Little things for me could be an uninitiated text, rather than just a response to a text I've sent, or if he has a day off from work and I'm at work, surprising me with lunch or ask me to meet for lunch (which I'll mention he used to ask to meet for lunch, but that stopped as well until recently when I mentioned to him that I used to love our lunch dates and now he's stepped up the effort a bit more). I don't require much, I would take receiving a little love note or something to let me know I'm being thought of, a card here and there, an evening planned by him uninitiated by me. I could go on and on about what I like, etc. but I think I've explained the gist of it. Everyone likes to feel special and everyone likes their significant other to do things consistently to show their love, how they feel and to make their other half feel important. Short of constant mention or explaining your needs, how do you deal with complacency when your partner gets too comfortable or lazy sometimes and isn't doing all they could be?

[Shanex]

Please use paragraphs.

 

A relationship should be a 50-50 when it comes to making dinner, doing the laundry and other chores. Unfortunately even the greatest guy of all can after a while become lazier and expect the woman to be the housekeeper. Sadly it has been this way for thousand years but now that women work just like men were expected to do our part too, in this age.

 

Talk him into it.

[SevenCity]

A lot of guys don't realize that complacency ruins attraction. Guys are happy to sit home and watch tv with you but women often want to "do something".

 

The important thing here is to communicate your needs to him. Tell him that over time the lack of him doing things for you will cause you to leave.

[kcarmen70]

Please use paragraphs.

 

A relationship should be a 50-50 when it comes to making dinner, doing the laundry and other chores. Unfortunately even the greatest guy of all can after a while become lazier and expect the woman to be the housekeeper. Sadly it has been this way for thousand years but now that women work just like men were expected to do our part too, in this age.

 

Talk him into it.

 

I may have not been clear. My concern wasn't directed at the fact that I cook & clean for him, those are just examples of things I do for him that I know he appreciates and make him feel loved.

 

My point is that I feel like I am doing a lot more than he is (other things outside of cooking & cleaning) in the way of thinking outside the box to do things for me, going above and beyond for me, surprising me or just doing little things in general for me.

[kcarmen70]

A lot of guys don't realize that complacency ruins attraction. Guys are happy to sit home and watch tv with you but women often want to "do something".

 

The important thing here is to communicate your needs to him. Tell him that over time the lack of him doing things for you will cause you to leave.

 

You're absolutely right, complacency ruins attraction. I feel as though I have the same conversation with him over and over and he'll pick up his efforts once it's brought to his attention, but it's almost like it's temporary and then it dips again. I've thought about cutting out doing all that I do for him so he can see how it is to not have anything extra, although I don't know if that's a correct way of getting my point across or if it would be effective either. Not to mention, that would be difficult for me because it's not who I am.

[SevenCity]

You're absolutely right, complacency ruins attraction. I feel as though I have the same conversation with him over and over and he'll pick up his efforts once it's brought to his attention, but it's almost like it's temporary and then it dips again. I've thought about cutting out doing all that I do for him so he can see how it is to not have anything extra, although I don't know if that's a correct way of getting my point across or if it would be effective either. Not to mention, that would be difficult for me because it's not who I am.

 

Don't play games. Instead have a serious SCHEDULED discussion with him. Ask him when a good time to talk to him would be. He will be nervous thinking you'll dump him and you can give him warning that few women give.

 

If he loves you he will be so thankful you are giving him a heads up. Tell him how you feel he tries at first then stops. When I've run into this women say nothing until it's too late to fix. Brava to you for taking steps to try and prevent that.

[Redhead14]

Hello - I'm completely new here and hoping for some feedback on complacency. I've been dating a man for about 2 years (we do not live together) and more recently (within the last 6 months) I feel that complacency has set in with him. Quite honestly I feel I'm doing a lot more for our relationship than he is. We are both aware of each others love languages and I try on a constant basis to speak love to him through those love languages that make him feel loved. It's one of those situations where I feel like I'm always doing for him, I'm in tune with his needs, what makes him feel special, loved, etc. and I do those things. I'll surprise him from time to time with little things or doing things for him to make his life easier, I'll cook for him, clean for him, etc. I suggest things for us to do that keep us engaged and active rather than sitting home just watching television, I feel I go above and beyond. I'm not just tooting my own horn, those close to me have told me the same, that I do so much and he's lucky to have me. I don't feel like he pulls his weight in the relationship and feel like he's comfortable. I feel as though his effort comes in waves as in the effort ascends when I mention something and have conversations about it with him, but descends after he's done a few things or time has gone by. When we are together we have fun, we have no issues what so ever we laugh, get along great, etc. but I do feel as though I'm always the one planning things for us to do when we are together & always doing things for him when we're apart. We don't have a lot of time together and often times we're apart more than we are together so it's during those times I think it's important to still do little things. Little things for me could be an uninitiated text, rather than just a response to a text I've sent, or if he has a day off from work and I'm at work, surprising me with lunch or ask me to meet for lunch (which I'll mention he used to ask to meet for lunch, but that stopped as well until recently when I mentioned to him that I used to love our lunch dates and now he's stepped up the effort a bit more). I don't require much, I would take receiving a little love note or something to let me know I'm being thought of, a card here and there, an evening planned by him uninitiated by me. I could go on and on about what I like, etc. but I think I've explained the gist of it. Everyone likes to feel special and everyone likes their significant other to do things consistently to show their love, how they feel and to make their other half feel important. Short of constant mention or explaining your needs, how do you deal with complacency when your partner gets too comfortable or lazy sometimes and isn't doing all they could be?

 

First of all, you should never give more than you're getting in/from a relationship. It's OK to do nice things for them but you do that simply because you want to do it, not because you're expecting something from them and if you're feeling like you are doing all the work, then you're doing too much.

 

Beyond that though, communicate with him. If you aren't communicating, he's thinking you're OK with the way things are. Open a casual, non-confrontational conversation. Don't start with a negative statement. Use positives -- anytime he does do something for him, reinforce it "Oh, I love it when you . . . . " or "You know, Xname, I'd like when you do Xthing . . ." or "I wish we could do more of . . ." Let him know what you want and need. And, never start with "you never do X for me anymore" or "why don't you . . . "

 

And, another good way to approach it is by reminiscing. "Gosh, do you remember back in the beginning when you/we . . . I really liked that and think of it often".

 

And, when you communicate and need/desire, you sit back and observe -- if they acknowledge and indicate that they understand, you continue to observe whether or not they make the effort to accommodate you. You don't hash and rehash. If they don't at least make more of an attempt or if they dismiss you or negate your feelings/wants, etc, you need to decide whether or not it's a deal breaker for you and end things.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Redhead14

[preraph]

In his (feeble) mind, he's seeing all this love coming from you and he's convinced that means you are 100% happy with how things are going.

 

Have you tried giving the love language a rest and seeing how long it takes him to notice and see what if anything he does about it? They always say you have to tell men what you want, and unfortunately, sometimes that is true, but it ruins it when you have to tell them. Then it means very little when they comply.

 

You've been running the love boat. You're going to have to wake him up some way and let him know you have a lot of love to give but that you need it reciprocated. Now, it's true that since you are so big on all this "love language" stuff, you may have a bigger emphasis on it than most women.

 

This is what happens when you give more than you are getting, though. You give hoping to receive more, and that's okay, but it doesn't work very well with most people. Because you're asking them to play by your rules and you are who you are. They are not like you in that way, so most won't think they need to match you. And then when they don't, you're hurt and resentful. So overgiving always causes these problems. Just know that. If you need proof all you have to do is be a mother who cooks dinner every night for her family and gets no thanks for it. People will take you for granted. So don't let it get so unbalanced in the giving department.

 

I don't advocate you stop entirely, but you need to shut it down a little and give him a chance to see if he notices and see if he makes a plan or not. You can just not have a plan for the weekend or just not have a plan for dinner and not have anything much in the fridge and just leave the ball in his court to deal with it and see if he will step up or not. Now, he's going to be justifiably confused. Be smiley and kissy and nice but when he tries to hand the ball back to you, say "Honey, would you figure it out for us tonight? I'm tired of coming up with ideas."

[SevenCity]

First of all, you should never give more than you're getting in/from a relationship. It's OK to do nice things for them but you do that simply because you want to do it, not because you're expecting something from them and if you're feeling like you are doing all the work, then you're doing too much.

 

Beyond that though, communicate with him. If you aren't communicating, he's thinking you're OK with the way things are. Open a casual, non-confrontational conversation. Don't start with a negative statement. Use positives -- anytime he does do something for him, reinforce it "Oh, I love it when you . . . . " or "You know, Xname, I'd like when you do Xthing . . ." or "I wish we could do more of . . ." Let him know what you want and need. And, never start with "you never do X for me anymore" or "why don't you . . . "

 

And, another good way to approach it is by reminiscing. "Gosh, do you remember back in the beginning when you/we . . . I really liked that and think of it often".

 

And, when you communicate and need/desire, you sit back and observe -- if they acknowledge and indicate that they understand, you continue to observe whether or not they make the effort to accommodate you. You don't hash and rehash. If they don't at least make more of an attempt or if they dismiss you or negate your feelings/wants, etc, you need to decide whether or not it's a deal breaker for you and end things.

 

Indirect can work with most women. But as a guy you need to be explicit. That's how we respond best.

 

Not to threats or ultimatums, but clear direction as if you were speaking to a dog. We don't understand analogies or reminiscing to mean you want that again.

 

Be frank, clear, and direct. That's how you get results from a man.

[Miss Peach]

IME guy need to know it's time to listen. Say it once or two very simply what the problem is, what you need, and what the consequence is. After once or twice than they will view it as nagging and they figure they can get away with it. If it continues then you need to do your consequence.

 

I told my BF that if he can't plan ahead, then I would make plans that may or may not include him. I may invite him to tag along but some I can't (because they are women only groups). Once he lost seeing me for two of his regular days that got him to set up a google calendar to solve the 'problem' and he makes sure I know about things farther in advance now. It's still not as much as I would prefer but it's a 180 to how he was a month ago.

[kcarmen70]

Indirect can work with most women. But as a guy you need to be explicit. That's how we respond best.

 

Not to threats or ultimatums, but clear direction as if you were speaking to a dog. We don't understand analogies or reminiscing to mean you want that again.

 

Be frank, clear, and direct. That's how you get results from a man.

 

I have tried the clear & direct approach, thus my mention of his effort being like waves going up & down. So when I have made it clear & been direct about it, he increases the effort, though only temporarily, because sooner or later I'm back to this point of wondering why I'm doing so much with feeling he's not doing as much.

 

I have never given threats, ultimatums or any other things of that sort, in my mind I've toyed with the idea of ceasing the effort to make my point of why should I be making all the effort & have him feel what feels like having someone not do so much as he doesn't for me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have tried the clear & direct approach, thus my mention of his effort being like waves going up & down. So when I have made it clear & been direct about it, he increases the effort, though only temporarily, because sooner or later I'm back to this point of wondering why I'm doing so much with feeling he's not doing as much.

 

I have never given threats, ultimatums or any other things of that sort, in my mind I've toyed with the idea of ceasing the effort to make my point of why should I be making all the effort & have him feel what feels like having someone not do so much as he doesn't for me.

 

1. These ups and downs WHEN you are most firm are either a sign of lack of respect for you OR his true colors. His personality. His natural MO. If the former, I would seriously question where the relationship is and will go. If the latter, you have to ask yourself if someone like this is worth the constant reminders and battles to tolerate.

 

2. Never give a threat or an ultimatum unless you are fully prepared to follow through and live with the consequences. There's nothing more frustrating and weak than ultimatums w/o teeth.

 

3. Teach him a lesson? I would be very careful. You may find that your silence may play into his hands. If he does what he does when he does them to appease you so that he can be left alone....whammo. He may not be as affected by your lack of effort. All the work is done by you and at your expense, energy. You want him to make the affirmative change, but you are doing what is unnatural. This could increase your frustration.

 

Have you taken the initiative to plan things? Tell him that you are going to make plans OR provide options and plan together. Don't tell him you want to go out, find 2-3 things you'd like to do and presumably, he, and start planning with him. Don't ask him IF he wants to do one of these things, ask him which he would prefer. This makes him feel that he has some control AND you get what he wants.

[Gaeta]

Have you considered that what you wish isn't viable? I know many women who have unrealistic expections from their BF and their relationship. It's normal after 2 years to not be all over each other like on our first month.

[kcarmen70]

Have you considered that what you wish isn't viable? I know many women who have unrealistic expections from their BF and their relationship. It's normal after 2 years to not be all over each other like on our first month.

 

I don't think it's a matter of unrealistic expectations and I'm not expecting us to be all over each other as what is usually the case before the "honeymoon" phase so-to-speak wears off. However, I don't think it's asking too much to be thought of and want nice things done for you and quite honestly think that it is something that should happen when you're in a romantic relationship. Don't partners, whether married or just in a relationship strive to make their other half happy by doing things they know make them happy? I believe that's the case here, him knowing what makes me happy, but not putting forth the consistent effort. I do not think it's a lot to ask to not only plan things for us once in a while, but to pick up a surprise here and there, be it a card, flowers or it doesn't even have to be something of monetary value, it could simply be a quick love note or doing anything totally unexpected.

 

So in answer to your question, I don't believe it's unrealistic expectations at all, I'm not asking for the world or for him to hang the moon for me, I'm asking to reciprocate effort and caring gestures from time to time, what most hope for within a relationship.

[Gr8fuln2020]

So in answer to your question, I don't believe it's unrealistic expectations at all, I'm not asking for the world or for him to hang the moon for me, I'm asking to reciprocate effort and caring gestures from time to time, what most hope for within a relationship.

 

Not unrealistic at all! Men, especially, are notorious for this lack or reciprocity after they've put in all their energy wooing and winning the ladies over. As a man, myself, I've sometimes felt a little bit entitled to do less after having put in so much energy and jumping so many hoops. Of course, that's the just beginning of what needs to be done for a lasting relationship, but....

[Weezy1973]

I believe that's the case here, him knowing what makes me happy, but not putting forth the consistent effort. I do not think it's a lot to ask to not only plan things for us once in a while, but to pick up a surprise here and there, be it a card, flowers or it doesn't even have to be something of monetary value, it could simply be a quick love note or doing anything totally unexpected.

 

So in answer to your question, I don't believe it's unrealistic expectations at all, I'm not asking for the world or for him to hang the moon for me, I'm asking to reciprocate effort and caring gestures from time to time, what most hope for within a relationship.

 

So first, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you put that on your partner you're bound to get resentful.

 

Second, some people are more romantic than others. Sounds like he's not much of a romantic type. Either that's a deal breaker or it's not.

 

If you're asking him to change who he is (i.e. be more romantic than he naturally is), then yes, you're asking for too much.

[Sweetfish]

I don't think it's a matter of unrealistic expectations and I'm not expecting us to be all over each other as what is usually the case before the "honeymoon" phase so-to-speak wears off. However, I don't think it's asking too much to be thought of and want nice things done for you and quite honestly think that it is something that should happen when you're in a romantic relationship. Don't partners, whether married or just in a relationship strive to make their other half happy by doing things they know make them happy? I believe that's the case here, him knowing what makes me happy, but not putting forth the consistent effort. I do not think it's a lot to ask to not only plan things for us once in a while, but to pick up a surprise here and there, be it a card, flowers or it doesn't even have to be something of monetary value, it could simply be a quick love note or doing anything totally unexpected.

 

So in answer to your question, I don't believe it's unrealistic expectations at all, I'm not asking for the world or for him to hang the moon for me, I'm asking to reciprocate effort and caring gestures from time to time, what most hope for within a relationship.

 

Can i ask you a question?

 

Did he do anything for valetines day or chrisrmas?

[Gaeta]

I don't think it's a matter of unrealistic expectations and I'm not expecting us to be all over each other as what is usually the case before the "honeymoon" phase so-to-speak wears off. However, I don't think it's asking too much to be thought of and want nice things done for you and quite honestly think that it is something that should happen when you're in a romantic relationship. Don't partners, whether married or just in a relationship strive to make their other half happy by doing things they know make them happy? I believe that's the case here, him knowing what makes me happy, but not putting forth the consistent effort. I do not think it's a lot to ask to not only plan things for us once in a while, but to pick up a surprise here and there, be it a card, flowers or it doesn't even have to be something of monetary value, it could simply be a quick love note or doing anything totally unexpected.

 

So in answer to your question, I don't believe it's unrealistic expectations at all, I'm not asking for the world or for him to hang the moon for me, I'm asking to reciprocate effort and caring gestures from time to time, what most hope for within a relationship.

 

My opinion of men is in the same lining as Sevencity. Men do want to make their partners happy but you have to spell it out to them. Innuendoes, reminiscence or hinting won't work with them. They are very bad at reading between the lines. It may work with few men but in general they don't get it. It's not that they don't listen, it's just their brain is wired differently.

 

Men are very bad at understanding general requirements like:

 

* be more romantic

* help me

* surprise me with a little something once in a while

 

That's old Latin to them. They hear that and think 'what am I suppose to do??'

 

Men need a map, a very precised map outlining the route you need them to take step by step.

 

* be more romantic = I would like you to organize a date once every other weekend. I would like it to be a romantic date like a dinner out, and evening downtown, going dancing, etc.

 

* help me = I would like you to cook dinner Monday, Wednesday and Sunday. You pick what we'll eat, you shop for it, make it and clean it.

 

* Surprise me once in a while = Lets surprise each other once a month. Make is a very specific day like each first Sunday of each month or do it ad-lib anytime in the month. Then play with it. Tell him you know exactly what you'll surprise him with this month, once in a while throw around 'can't wait you see your surprise', make it full of anticipation.

 

I am 51 years old and been married in the past and all. I know all this stuff I am telling you and still I don't always use it. This past week I made 3 comments to my BF concerning my home's back steps. All he heard was his gf talking about her back steps, it never dawn on him he could do something about my back steps! when finally I decided to tell him: Honey, find something and go break the ice on the back step! he went OMG why didn't you ask before!!

 

I am sorry if all this does not sound romantic and a bit pre-organized but it's reality of being in a long term relationship. Your boyfriend does not act much different from any other bf after 2 years. He's comfortable and he doesn't feel he needs to 'surprise' you to impress you. He is simply happy to be with you.

 

As for you, slow down on the devotion. If you make it a normal thing to be cooking dinner every evening than of course he won't think you need help with that. He'll think you've got all under control and you're happy of doing this.

 

When I left my last long term relationship after 4 years together I remember telling my mother how much I had loved him, I cooked, cleaned, ironed his clothes, even laid down his suits in the morning, and my mom said, with all the wisdom of a mom, ' Gaeta, men don't want to sleep with their mothers'. Be a partner, not a mother.

[kcarmen70]

So first, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you put that on your partner you're bound to get resentful.

 

Second, some people are more romantic than others. Sounds like he's not much of a romantic type. Either that's a deal breaker or it's not.

 

If you're asking him to change who he is (i.e. be more romantic than he naturally is), then yes, you're asking for too much.

 

I absolutely am not asking him to change who he is. When we first got together he did these little things for me. I am not talking about just romantic things, I may have been misleading by mentioning a card, flowers, etc. it could be anything, even non-romantic, but something to show I was thought of. It could be a hey let me plan something for us this weekend or surprising me at work with lunch on a day off.

 

As a previous man mentioned above, the reciprocation often lacks once the wooing and winning over is over. Even if you're not good at something particular, for example even if I wasn't the most romantic person in the world, if I knew it was important to the relationship and my partner, I'm pretty sure I would put forth the effort to at least try & be consistent. No one ever becomes better living solely inside their comfort zone, I also think this applies to relationships, you have to at times step out of your comfort zone to make your relationship better and to not become complacent .

[todreaminblue]

i feel its easiest when you want things to turn around and the other person has no idea ....is to be honest....Also to try to be motivational in the change you want to see....so it sticks......positivity by instigating the change in you and not expecting the other person to change....change has a way of spreading out ...

complacency is actually an inclination to please.....not activated yet......unaware of danger lurking behind a feeling of quiet pleasure .......in this case that danger lurking is in you.......you aren't being clear that you arent happy with the situation so trouble is brewing ......he is happily plodding along and you are building up for a tackle born from building resentment..........

 

complacency from him means he is totally comfortable with you...you want him to go above and beyond now and again...maybe something surprising .....a show of affection out of the blue....a small gift when you never expected anything.....to come home to a clean kitchen ...or a fixed cupboard.....a bunch of wildflowers int eh middle of the table...a love note......a jar of chocolate body paint.... on your pillow with some paintbrushes .......ok that's my one when in relationship....smilin.....i would write love poems...that excited my partner....what i loved about him what i knew and how i knew him......in every way....everything i loved about him....down to his fingers...not all at once.....liek a tackle...but a caress....that motivated him......

 

 

complacency takes two people....one to feel and one to allow....when you write i want him to go above and beyond...its ambiguous......you need to be more specific with what you would like from him and by him........date nights are perfect for this......you can instigate date night and bring some spice to his quiet feelings of pleasure ...stir him up a bit..excite him...instead of a tackle him that captures him unawares..........be that influence that makes him take notice of you.....if you want passion you have to be passionate.....so be passionate and watch it spread.....if he looks comfortable on the couch and you feel that niggle of resentment going why doesnt he do something...why should i have to do the work....realize ...relationships can sometimes might not be equal and you have to work...a little harder for a while.....pick up the slack.......

 

 

 

your relationship success depends also on how are you will go to make it successful too....you have to want to make it that way, get the ball rolling....not only him...if you want change....you can have the ball in your court......make it not so much like work...make it fun....enjoy ....his quiet pleasure with him for a while ...see his side......as him feeling totally at home with you.....so get closer...caress him out of the blue.....theres things i used to do out of the blue to excite a positive reaction from my happy guy sitting on a couch watching footy........but i wont write them lol......ill just say footy wasnt important anymore and my love language is physical.........put yourself in his line of view...and get to know what excites your man into action....sometimes you can be borderline on more than one love language..and soemtimes the change....can helpo stir up soem action ...above and beyond so to speak........touch the love language that motivates him........deb

[olivetree]

Hi Kcarmen,

 

I don't think it's game playing to stop putting so much effort in and seeing what he does.

If he steps up, perhaps this could be the start of a more balanced relationship.

People don't usually work hard for things that just come to them easily.

 

However, even if he steps up, maybe this still won't be the relationship you want because you don't want to hold back.

Perhaps you want one where you both put in a lot of effort.

 

If you are a relationship-oriented, giving and affectionate person, you're probably going to be happiest with someone with the same outlook.

Perhaps he isn't the guy for you.

[Gaeta]

I absolutely am not asking him to change who he is. When we first got together he did these little things for me. I am not talking about just romantic things, I may have been misleading by mentioning a card, flowers, etc. it could be anything, even non-romantic, but something to show I was thought of. It could be a hey let me plan something for us this weekend or surprising me at work with lunch on a day off.

.

 

Like I said previously you are expecting a relationship of 2 years to have the same dynamic as a relationship of 2 months. You said no to me but here you are talking about things he did when you first met.

 

Kcarmen: When women start complaining that their bf or husband isn't doing anything romantic, or never organizes dates, or never helps with anything, it's usually because there isn't enough daily love and the relationship is in trouble.

 

A woman that feels her bf loves her and cares about her won't complain about the lack of dates because she feels surrounded by love in many other ways.

 

My question to you is: Do you feel your boyfriend loves you and how do you know?

[preraph]

As for you, slow down on the devotion. If you make it a normal thing to be cooking dinner every evening than of course he won't think you need help with that. He'll think you've got all under control and you're happy of doing this.

 

When I left my last long term relationship after 4 years together I remember telling my mother how much I had loved him, I cooked, cleaned, ironed his clothes, even laid down his suits in the morning, and my mom said, with all the wisdom of a mom, ' Gaeta, men don't want to sleep with their mothers'. Be a partner, not a mother.

 

All excellent advice. But I have to say it does kind of ruin it when you have to instruct them to be romantic. It's not the same. Now getting the porch ice removed, that's different, though some men would not have to be told.

 

 

Some men are more interested in surprising and pleasing you than others, though. But all that is true that they will think you are happy unless you put the brakes on or let them know otherwise some way.

 

One of my ex bfs was always so good about feeding my music habit, even 40 years after we were together. He will sometimes still send something my way. He's thoughtful about that kind of stuff (but then he's the one who slept with the best friend 40 years ago -- so there you go.) But he does put some thought into knowing what you like and surprising you, and he always has. But I would say most men are not that thoughtful and that many of them give you something mainly to ensure the sex train is still rolling.

[Gaeta]

All excellent advice. But I have to say it does kind of ruin it when you have to instruct them to be romantic. It's not the same.

 

This week I was listening to a relationship therapist who had an episode on this topic. A man called in and he spoke on how happy he was that his live-in gf made a rule of having a weekly surprise. He said at first he raised his eyebrow and thought 'there we go' and turned out he's enjoying it and it's been refreshing for their relationship.

[kcarmen70]

Not unrealistic at all! Men, especially, are notorious for this lack or reciprocity after they've put in all their energy wooing and winning the ladies over. As a man, myself, I've sometimes felt a little bit entitled to do less after having put in so much energy and jumping so many hoops. Of course, that's the just beginning of what needs to be done for a lasting relationship, but....

 

Thank you for confirming my feelings about not being unrealistic. I have told him many times I feel he doesn't think he has to put as much effort in anymore because he's won me over & therefore feels his work is done.

 

I can't even get a phone call at night before bed at times, when he's said he'll call and I wait up for him to do so after knowing he's planning to & I'm anxious to hear from him. That's another example. It's not just the romantic stuff, but the little things too like following through with a phone call before falling asleep. It irritates me as he knows I don't sleep well to begin with so instead of making it a point to call earlier in the evening he falls asleep not calling at all leaving me waiting for a call I'm anticipating because I was told it would happen. He tries minimizing it by saying it doesn't happen all the time. Well maybe it doesn't, but I'm a firm believer to do what you say you're going to & I put forth the effort to always follow through for him (or anyone for that matter) with what I say I'm going to do & if I know I can't or won't be able to, I let the person know. It's a level of respect. So there's another example of a little thing -follow through, which I actually think is a big thing.