How do I deal with a lady that's been physically abused

[Velvet007]

Hi, met a lovely lady on a dating site back in August 2016, great first date,chatted for 4 hours.

Following weekend meal around at hers and so it went on,chatting on the phone during the week and meeting at weekends.

Eventually she told me that she had been in a relationship with a physically abusive man,his insecuritys and jealousy got so bad that he hit her on many occasions,broken ribs etc.

Also informed me in November she had two court cases coming up,her settlement agreement would be settled and she couldn't see me during the month but we chatted more on the phone.

Well I could tell she was stressed out by the time the courts cases had finished but we had talked about spending Christmas together with her family.

She has a 35 year old son who suffers badly with depression,he told her a week before Christmas that he wanted to end it all,Christmas was cancelled as far as she was concerned.

I sent her flowers hoping to lift her spirits, then on 7th Jan she announced she needed space to concentrate on herself and her son,which I agreed to give her, sent the odd text,hoping she was ok and I always got a cold reply back.

Well 4 weeks ago she announced to me our relationship was done,her son was the only thing that mattered to her and told me to have a good life....I asked her why.

She told me because of my insecuritys, I'm baffled ,the only time I could think of was I asked her once,why she was still on the dating site we met on,she gave me her answer and I left it at that.

We didn't speak till last week,she changed her profile picture on Facebook and I left a comment saying she looked radiant,which she privately messaged me,thank you.

Also told me to not contact her as she was still concentrating on herself and son.

Well it's hurting me, I thought if she thinks I'm insecure then I had better pretend I am and do something about it.

I told her that she wouldn't hear from me for a month or so apart from sending her Birthday greetings if that was ok ( never said no) I needed to get back to the old person she first met,secure,confident and carefree, if she then didn't want to continue then at least I have tried.

I'm totally confused as I've never been accused of being insecure in my life,is it the past relationship she had coming to the surface and I'm suffering for it.

I do think the world of her and have told her sometime back ,I'm in for the long haul.

I will not contact her till the end of March......will she be there for me then though ?

I'm hoping she will at least say a thank you for her Birthday card

[Lobouspo]

I would let it rest. The ball is in her court. She's got a grown son with issues, and I would guess some major PTSD issues if she was abused as bad as she says. Lots of baggage here sir. She's probably doing you a favor by cutting you off

[GoldSparkz]

I think as we get older, we all accumulate life baggage which can't be helped. But when it comes to dating, you have to ask yourself whether you have the mental capacity to become involved with other people's problems - especially people we hardly know. You are not a charity and deserve to find peace and happiness in your life.

 

As you've only been dating for 6 months but have become very close to this woman, I would continue to keep her in your life as a friend as it seems like she could do with one right now. As for the relationship potential, her priorities are not with you and most probably won't be for a long while, so I would continue dating other women.

 

I hope you find someone that is emotionally available who you can enjoy life with as you seem like a caring person.

[elaine567]

She essentially ended it in November when she said she couldn't see you due to the court cases. She cut you out then.

She then told you she wanted space and sent you cold texts in reply to your enquiries, but you keep hanging on in there and are still doing so.

Stop it. It is doing you no good whatsoever.

She has too much going on in her life. You and dating are not a priority.

 

She has told you that doesn't want you to contact her any more, so best to just respect her wishes. If she changes her mind, she knows where you are.

People who are interested act interested, she is obviously not interested and hasn't been for some time.

The abuse may or may not be relevant here.

 

I am sure you have a narrative in your head regarding this woman, but

she has made it clear, she doesn't actually need saved or rescued by you.

 

YOU need to get back to the "secure,confident and carefree" you and forget her.

[mikeylo]

Dude, she has told you she needs space.She is not ready. In short : No.

 

She is rejecting you in whatever way she thinks you would go away.Take the hint and avoid getting embarasment.

[Rouik]

It may be from the past abuse or even what she is dealing with concerning her son but either way she doesn't seem to be ready or willing to commit to a dating relationship. Be a friend to her and focus on that, but move on with the idea of having a dating aspect to the relationship. Sorry things aren't seeming to work out but keep your head up and keep looking, you will find someone emotionally ready.

[elaine567]

Be a friend to her and focus on that,

 

She told him last week not to contact her, he thus cannot be her friend.

If he persists here, he will be in stalking territory.

[amaysngrace]

She may see you as being controlling if you aren't able to take no for an answer.

 

It's nice that you care for her and all but I suggest you move on.

[coolheadal]

Let her go! Clearly mentally unstable relationship issues with her. She's not into you so she gave you her lost words "she has to take care of her son, he matters more than you" Okay she told you! Now leave the room! Don't look back. It's not your choice to change her mind as you can't even think you would want to change it at all! You don't want to go there, trust me you don't. Leave her alone and go and find a woman on the same page as you who wants to love you, appreciate you, be there for you and most of all respect you! Never, never ever tolerate such behavior dysfunctional attitude from anyone women. She's damaged beyond your control! GO NOW!

[Gaeta]

I do think the world of her and have told her sometime back ,I'm in for the long haul.

I will not contact her till the end of March......will she be there for me then though ?

I'm hoping she will at least say a thank you for her Birthday card

 

All of the red flags were there and flying, you just didn't want to see them (the profile still being up, the change of pictures, the need for space,) This all indicates she was not emotionally involved in this relationship.

 

It doesn't matter if you are in for the long haul. What will you do? kidnap her in the name of that long haul? She does not want to be with you and nothing you can do will change that.

 

People that are interested act interested and this no matter the amount of drama in their life. This one here is not interested.

 

Do not contact her in March, do not wonder about if she appreciated your birthday card. You need to recognize when someone is rejecting you and you need to learn to take it with grace and to move on.

[Velvet007]

All of the red flags were there and flying, you just didn't want to see them (the profile still being up, the change of pictures, the need for space,) This all indicates she was not emotionally involved in this relationship.

 

It doesn't matter if you are in for the long haul. What will you do? kidnap her in the name of that long haul? She does not want to be with you and nothing you can do will change that.

 

People that are interested act interested and this no matter the amount of drama in their life. This one here is not interested.

 

Do not contact her in March, do not wonder about if she appreciated your birthday card. You need to recognize when someone is rejecting you and you need to learn to take it with grace and to move on.

 

Thanks for your comment, no kidnapping , it's a long haul as she is a very complicated woman when it comes to her feelings ...when she said she needed time out,she stated ,it's not goodbye for ever,just for now

[Gaeta]

Thanks for your comment, no kidnapping , it's a long haul as she is a very complicated woman when it comes to her feelings ...when she said she needed time out,she stated ,it's not goodbye for ever,just for now

 

There is not goodbyes for now.

 

That does NOT exist. It is simply someone that has no spine to tell you goodbye.

[elaine567]

Thanks for your comment, no kidnapping , it's a long haul as she is a very complicated woman when it comes to her feelings ...when she said she needed time out,she stated ,it's not goodbye for ever,just for now

 

Ok but that is standard break up "I don't want to hurt your feelings" stuff.

She told you not to contact her, listen to her.

[lionlover1973]

Individuals who have met the unfortunate circumstance of being abused, often believe that no one can really be trusted.

 

Their triggers are abundant and easily ignited - something innocuous can send the person into panic mode.

 

For them, it is a reminder of prior abusive behavior.

 

What can you do?

Don’t take what she said personally.

Set your own boundaries.

Give her space.

Encourage her to find healthier paths.

 

Healing is often a difficult, long road.

 

She is relearning what is ‘normal’. And, she is currently on a path with no map.

[kendahke]

I wouldn't even bother with her at the end of March or any other time after that.

 

She's going to feel more annoyed by you popping up in March than happy to hear from you.

 

Why does she have new pictures on her profile when she wants to concentrate on her depressed son?

[kendahke]

Thanks for your comment, no kidnapping , it's a long haul as she is a very complicated woman when it comes to her feelings ...when she said she needed time out,she stated ,it's not goodbye for ever,just for now

 

This is called a "crumb trail".

 

It's there to give you psychotic hope that someday, sometime, somewhere in the future, maybe, somehow she will twist her head up to where she is open to being with you. That future may never happen and this is no promise that it will.

 

She is complicated because her baggage is all unpacked all over her house and she needs to be about the business of sorting it. What she is doing right now is deflecting her interest from the heavy lift she needs to be about , which is why she entertained you half-heartedly and will go on to entertain other men half-heartedly. She's messy right now and not interested in sorting her mess.

 

People like that are best left alone.

[blueskyday]

I understand you want to keep the relationship going. It's hard when another feels differently and ends things. We often feel a lack of control in that situation.

 

Please realize that this lack of control is what your ex has felt in relationships. When her romantic partner was abusive, he took away her control and her sense of safety. He didn't act as an equal partner who cared about her needs. He only cared about his. He was a dictator. His overriding concern was to have power and control over her.

 

The way for her to heal from that kind of dysfunction is to reclaim control over her life. She has the right to make decisions that affect her life. Please respect her right to do so and you will have helped her immensely.

 

She has indicated that she doesn't want any contact with you. If you continue to contact her against her wishes, then you are showing her you don't care about her wants and needs. Whether you realize it or not, the message you will be giving her is that your needs take precedence. This is about power and control. You are not abusive, but to somebody who's been through abuse it will feel very similar to her.

 

Please stop contacting her. Wish her all the best in your own heart. You do not need to further express your feelings. She doesn't want to hear it. I know this hurts you. Express your feelings to your friends and to this forum, just not to her.

 

I understand her situation because I, too, have been through abuse. The kindest and most supportive thing you can do is to respect her decisions, even if you don't like them.

Edited February 24, 2017 by blueskyday