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New girl has gone from burning hot to ice cold. [UPDATED]


guy532

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I promise you this is an interesting read. I met this girl on a trans pacific flight, she was sitting right next to me and we REALLY hit it off. We probably spent about 10hours talking and the rest she was sleeping on my shoulder.

 

Anyway long story short: asked her out, but she had a bf (of 3 years), but she was actually planning on breaking things off with him in the next few days (had been thinking about it for months). Messaged her a week later, she asked me if I wanted to grab some drinks and we did almost 2 weeks later. 15min into the meet up she told me she was newly single so I kissed her the moment she finished that sentence. Anyway, date went incredibly well, it was supposed to be 1 hour long and ended up being 12. We slept together, but what really connected us was our deep and personal conversations.

 

We've had 3 more dates (timespan of 2 weeks) and they've all been amazing. It's clear that she's extremely into me (or was). She'd tell me she'd never find another guy like me and I'm amazing and that she really likes me. She was super affectionate and was even kissing my hand by the first date. I've never had a girl be more into me so fast. I have reciprocated those feelings since I've never felt this way about a girl before this fast. She tells me the same. She also told me that she was mad at me because she was looking forward to being single and putting herself out there but now she's met me and I've ruined it all for her because I'm so good and now doesn't know what to do. Also, she made a comment about if "she didn't see me for months and saw me again I'm the type of guy she'd instantly fall for all over again". Point is we were both super into each other.

 

Now the problems. First of all, I'll admit that I let my guard down and have come on pretty strong with her and have told her that this is all new for me because I've never felt this way about a girl before this fast or felt this much chemistry. I thought it was ok to reveal those things because she was saying the same for me, I KNOW I ****ed up on that part and probably came off as needy. She also found out that I stopped dating the other girls I was seeing and ended things with my fwb after our first date. Now for the big one. She had been telling me since our first date that her cousin was going to come visit her for 3 weeks and she was going to be very distant while he was here. Sure enough he came and bam she was gone, haven't seen her since our 4th date (2.5 weeks ago/a few days before her cousin's arrival), well except for the random time I ran into her and her cousin a few days after he arrived (we kissed in front of him so that is her cousin). The ball is currently in her court and we haven't texted or spoken for a week and a half (I called her on Valentines day wishing her a good one...she didn't want to see me for Valentines day since she didn't feel ready). I know she's confused about what she wants since she just got out of a LTR and that I've ****ed up for even questioning where things were going.

 

I just expect to see more effort from her part and obviously I don't want to chase her since I've always been the one initiating and she knows that I want to see her, plus I think chasing someone who doesn't want to see you is just going to drive them more away So what are the chances she comes back once he leaves next week?

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Well, she's dropped some rather broad hints about looking forward to being free of a boyfriend, etc. Knowing she could put you on the back burner and come back to you and still find you attractive. She was kind of thinking out loud.

 

Plus most people who break up get back together at least once, and she has not had time to get through that transition. She probably decided she didn't want to get in too deep too fast and wants to maybe keep it a little lighter and less frequent and see how it goes.

 

 

I'm one of those who gets passionate too fast, and it usually means the relationship burns out fast too.

 

If you are the type who can be a little patient (or keep dating other women) and not try to pin her down but just roll with the flow and see where it's going, that would be best. Remember, you two kind of decided to be in love before you knew each other. That can mean the more you get to know about each other, the more you realize this person was not who you hoped or assumed it was.

 

So try to just relax and don't throw the rest of your social life away. Touch base and see if she still wants to go out as long as she is reciprocating and staying in touch with you, but if she is slowing that down, sit on your hands for as long as you can stand it. Good luck.

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She has told me that her and her ex had broken up and gotten back together a few times, but this time it was definitely for good and that she's over him (I don't buy that she's over him, not that she talks about him or anything but they were together for 3 years). I have been giving her as much space as possible now and do want to see how things go with no pressure even though it didn't start out like that. I've done 99% of the stuff right, honestly, I'm pretty good with women. There was strong chemistry felt on both ends so it threw us off. I want to contact her so ****ing badly, but I know I shouldn't since the ball is in her court. I don't know man, it's such a weird situation since she does have a legit excuse but at the same time there's no reason to completely drop out of the radar like she did. When I called her I asked her if were good and she said yea I told you I was going to be distant. i know I shouldn't have asked that since it made me come off as insecure but it just came out without even thinking.

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CaliforniaGirl

I'd guess she never officially "broke it off" with her boyfriend and instead was looking for some fun/an ego boost while they were sort of going back-and-forth.

 

My guess is, the boyfriend is who that "cousin" actually was.

 

I would worry about the instantaneous connection thing. That CAN work out, yes, I've heard of it happening, but literally going from zero to sleeping on your shoulder in the space of one plane flight...I don't know. That just screams "you're a revenge you-know-what" (which you guys did). But then in the light of day she thought better of things...especially if (when) her boyfriend was back on her I Love You list rather than her S List.

 

I don't know. I may be cynical but this is totally how I'm reading it.

 

BEWARE of love-bombing. If I could give one single piece of advice to any person I've ever known, anyone I don't know who is a stranger on the internet, or anyone I'll ever meet, that would be it.

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She has told me that her and her ex had broken up and gotten back together a few times, but this time it was definitely for good and that she's over him (I don't buy that she's over him, not that she talks about him or anything but they were together for 3 years). I have been giving her as much space as possible now and do want to see how things go with no pressure even though it didn't start out like that. I've done 99% of the stuff right, honestly, I'm pretty good with women. There was strong chemistry felt on both ends so it threw us off. I want to contact her so ****ing badly, but I know I shouldn't since the ball is in her court. I don't know man, it's such a weird situation since she does have a legit excuse but at the same time there's no reason to completely drop out of the radar like she did. When I called her I asked her if were good and she said yea I told you I was going to be distant. i know I shouldn't have asked that since it made me come off as insecure but it just came out without even thinking.

 

Lol - it's easy to be good with women until you find one like this, huh? :p

 

You've pointed out a bunch of things you did wrong but you continue to do others. I know, you can't help yourself right? Well you have to. Think back to how you treated the other girls who fell all over you and how you are putting this one on a pedestal. It will turn her off. Just back up, relax, and let her come to you.

 

Now for the bad news. Women right out of a RL can swing wildly in their emotions. One day you are God and the next day she doesn't want to talk to you. I've dated women recently out of relationships and it has never ended well.

 

Also, starting off like you did with such intensity is a red flag. Those types of relationships seldom last long term.

 

The emotions and chemicals filling your brain are like a drug. Think before you act on something as you are under the influence.

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She has told me that her and her ex had broken up and gotten back together a few times, but this time it was definitely for good and that she's over him (I don't buy that she's over him, not that she talks about him or anything but they were together for 3 years). I have been giving her as much space as possible now and do want to see how things go with no pressure even though it didn't start out like that. I've done 99% of the stuff right, honestly, I'm pretty good with women. There was strong chemistry felt on both ends so it threw us off. I want to contact her so ****ing badly, but I know I shouldn't since the ball is in her court. I don't know man, it's such a weird situation since she does have a legit excuse but at the same time there's no reason to completely drop out of the radar like she did. When I called her I asked her if were good and she said yea I told you I was going to be distant. i know I shouldn't have asked that since it made me come off as insecure but it just came out without even thinking.

 

One should be very wary of people who don't learn after the first or second time of breaking-up. It sounds clear that the issues that broke them up were not resolved and yet, she went back to him repeatedly until the final straw...or was it?

 

I find that such people have a difficult time with boundaries and letting go and often have much stronger and lingering feelings for their exes than they lead you to believe.

 

You're instincts are legit. Anyone that simply disappears for any given time is not healthy in one or another way. Something is happening and likely something you don't want to have to deal with or become a victim of.

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Lol - it's easy to be good with women until you find one like this, huh? :p

 

You've pointed out a bunch of things you did wrong but you continue to do others. I know, you can't help yourself right? Well you have to. Think back to how you treated the other girls who fell all over you and how you are putting this one on a pedestal. It will turn her off. Just back up, relax, and let her come to you.

 

Now for the bad news. Women right out of a RL can swing wildly in their emotions. One day you are God and the next day she doesn't want to talk to you. I've dated women recently out of relationships and it has never ended well.

 

Also, starting off like you did with such intensity is a red flag. Those types of relationships seldom last long term.

 

The emotions and chemicals filling your brain are like a drug. Think before you act on something as you are under the influence.

 

Exactly man! I am good with women believe it or not and hence how I know what I've been doing wrong, like **** man, this hasn't happened to me before with girls I don't care about. I have been with my fair share of women, but I've never felt a stronger chemistry with anyone else before and I have been in loving relationships, to me this is just different because we click so well and it's so hard to keep all my **** together but I'm trying.

 

So I guess now I am doing everything right right now (wasn't before), I've not tried to contact her (I know I haven't ****ed up on that front, of being too needy with contacting her, I've been very good about it). I've just been waiting for her to come to me first. So that's all I can do at this point isn't it? Wait the **** storm out? This would happen with the first girl I've been infatuated with in 8 years, fml. I'm giving her until next weekend to contact me (her cousin should be gone by then), if nothing I'm going to find some new girls to fill up.

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One should be very wary of people who don't learn after the first or second time of breaking-up. It sounds clear that the issues that broke them up were not resolved and yet, she went back to him repeatedly until the final straw...or was it?

 

I find that such people have a difficult time with boundaries and letting go and often have much stronger and lingering feelings for their exes than they lead you to believe.

 

You're instincts are legit. Anyone that simply disappears for any given time is not healthy in one or another way. Something is happening and likely something you don't want to have to deal with or become a victim of.

 

Yea she's dropped plenty of hints that she's still in contact with him, it's frankly obvious that she is. I actually wouldn't be surprised if she slept with him during those two weeks that we were seeing each other which is fine, I sleep with multiple girls when dating as well. It's just disappointing that I didn't handle this as well as I know I could have. I knos I've made mistakes, but **** I have good game, I've done almost everything right except for not being mysterious about my feelings for her. Lesson learned.

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Ever heard of a fling?

 

Nothing pointed to this being a fling, even though it's what it most likely was. Usually when a girl is interested as much as she was she'd be dropping hints about wanting to be exclusive etc., and I suspect the only reason that wasn't the case now was because she just got out of a relationship and her emotions are just everywhere.

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Exactly man! I am good with women believe it or not and hence how I know what I've been doing wrong, like **** man, this hasn't happened to me before with girls I don't care about. I have been with my fair share of women, but I've never felt a stronger chemistry with anyone else before and I have been in loving relationships, to me this is just different because we click so well and it's so hard to keep all my **** together but I'm trying.

 

So I guess now I am doing everything right right now (wasn't before), I've not tried to contact her (I know I haven't ****ed up on that front, of being too needy with contacting her, I've been very good about it). I've just been waiting for her to come to me first. So that's all I can do at this point isn't it? Wait the **** storm out? This would happen with the first girl I've been infatuated with in 8 years, fml. I'm giving her until next weekend to contact me (her cousin should be gone by then), if nothing I'm going to find some new girls to fill up.

 

I know the feeling. All your training goes out the window when you find one you really like.

 

But yes, wait out the storm and it might not be a bad idea to meet other chicks so you can slow your role with this one.

 

I know what you are feeling all too well. It's always ended in a train wreck for me! :lmao:

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I think it sounds a little contrived that she told you she was going to be distant because a cousin was in town or whatever. I mean, if I was really pumped up about a guy, and now with texting being something everyone does all the time anyway, I'd be saying hi every day or two and probably asking him to come along somewhere with the visitor maybe. It could all be the beginning of her pulling away, but all you can do is wait out this period and see if she locks back on once he's gone or if she finds another excuse. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

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Take this as a lesson learned never go back to what wasn't working out in the first place. I don't do seconds chances.

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I think it sounds a little contrived that she told you she was going to be distant because a cousin was in town or whatever. I mean, if I was really pumped up about a guy, and now with texting being something everyone does all the time anyway, I'd be saying hi every day or two and probably asking him to come along somewhere with the visitor maybe. It could all be the beginning of her pulling away, but all you can do is wait out this period and see if she locks back on once he's gone or if she finds another excuse. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

 

Thank you! That's my thinking too, it only takes 10 seconds to send a quick "hey, hope you're well, thinking of you", but she hasn't which I take as she doesn't really care about me. I know this sounds like I'm making excuses on her part but she did tell me from the start that she's a terrible texter and prefers to just see people instead of talking/texting. She was being difficult to communicate with before our first date as well (hence why it took 2 weeks to meet up, she would take a day or two to reply to a fb message which she said was because she never uses fb which is partly true since it always shows last on like 1 day or more) and remember she was the one that asked me out first and she was being difficult to keep in contact with and set up an exact date and time. So it's early and hard to tell if that's just her personality or she's brushing me off. She's never on her cell phone when I'm with her and she hardly gets texts or texts people and our dates have been all day things. Ah who knows, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I am legit crazy about this girl.

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Take this as a lesson learned never go back to what wasn't working out in the first place. I don't do seconds chances.

 

Meh it's not like I have much to lose. Like I said, I have never felt chemistry this strong before so she's worth the risk. I'm not seeing anyone right now and frankly don't want to other than her. I got out of a relationship a few months ago as well and went through my rebound phase and have frankly have had enough with women for the next few months, I hardly have time for just one girl now with med school starting up again. Also, I'm moving in a year so any relationship I have is most likely going to come to an end so it's nkt like I'm missing out on something better. It's just not that big of a risk for me considering my life to give her another chance.

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I know the feeling. All your training goes out the window when you find one you really like.

 

But yes, wait out the storm and it might not be a bad idea to meet other chicks so you can slow your role with this one.

 

I know what you are feeling all too well. It's always ended in a train wreck for me! :lmao:

 

Frankly I'm getting sick of dating for the time being, I think if it doesn't work out I'm just going to concentrate on me. I literally just broke it off with 3 other girls I was seeing a week before she went cold on me lol, I legit just don't want to date anyone but her as of right now, too much going on in my life with medical school and keeping up with friends.

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Thank you! That's my thinking too, it only takes 10 seconds to send a quick "hey, hope you're well, thinking of you", but she hasn't which I take as she doesn't really care about me. I know this sounds like I'm making excuses on her part but she did tell me from the start that she's a terrible texter and prefers to just see people instead of talking/texting. She was being difficult to communicate with before our first date as well (hence why it took 2 weeks to meet up, she would take a day or two to reply to a fb message which she said was because she never uses fb which is partly true since it always shows last on like 1 day or more) and remember she was the one that asked me out first and she was being difficult to keep in contact with and set up an exact date and time. So it's early and hard to tell if that's just her personality or she's brushing me off. She's never on her cell phone when I'm with her and she hardly gets texts or texts people and our dates have been all day things. Ah who knows, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I am legit crazy about this girl.

 

 

Well, since this sporadic contact isn't a new thing, then there is hope. I don't text at all. It's too time-consuming. I can type as fast as I think think, but it takes me 20 minutes to text something, so I simply don't do it. I also am a little like her in that I think if you spend too much time texting or on the phone, what do you have to talk about when you're finally face to face? It would all be repetitive. So there is some logic to it. I'm very independent. Maybe she is too. Also, maybe she has been in a relationship where the man demanded to account for her time and she decided "never again."

 

Anyway, she gave you forewarning. Maybe she's also compartmentalized. You know, it's more common in men because they learned to be compartmentalized so they could hunt. But some people are that way and just like to concentrate on one thing at a time and do it well, even social interactions.

 

Fingers crossed. Chin up.

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I'd guess she never officially "broke it off" with her boyfriend and instead was looking for some fun/an ego boost while they were sort of going back-and-forth.

 

My guess is, the boyfriend is who that "cousin" actually was.

 

I would worry about the instantaneous connection thing. That CAN work out, yes, I've heard of it happening, but literally going from zero to sleeping on your shoulder in the space of one plane flight...I don't know. That just screams "you're a revenge you-know-what" (which you guys did). But then in the light of day she thought better of things...especially if (when) her boyfriend was back on her I Love You list rather than her S List.

 

I don't know. I may be cynical but this is totally how I'm reading it.

 

BEWARE of love-bombing. If I could give one single piece of advice to any person I've ever known, anyone I don't know who is a stranger on the internet, or anyone I'll ever meet, that would be it.

 

No, that was definitely her cousin. I've been cheated on ao I have trust issues and she's admitted of cheating in her past so yea obviously a horrible combo. When she told me she was going to be distant, especially when it was going to be around valentines day I thought it was very suspicious as well and thought that he wasn't really her cousin. Fortunately, we randomly ran into each other while walking through the city we live in. So I met her cousin and we kissed in front of him and I looked up the guy on fb and they have the same last name.

 

Also, don't take away anything from my game hahaha, I had hours to charm her up to sleeping on my shoulder. However, yea that was a red flag for me as well considering she did that while still being in a relationship even though she was planning on breaking up with him.

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Well, since this sporadic contact isn't a new thing, then there is hope. I don't text at all. It's too time-consuming. I can type as fast as I think think, but it takes me 20 minutes to text something, so I simply don't do it. I also am a little like her in that I think if you spend too much time texting or on the phone, what do you have to talk about when you're finally face to face? It would all be repetitive. So there is some logic to it. I'm very independent. Maybe she is too. Also, maybe she has been in a relationship where the man demanded to account for her time and she decided "never again."

 

Anyway, she gave you forewarning. Maybe she's also compartmentalized. You know, it's more common in men because they learned to be compartmentalized so they could hunt. But some people are that way and just like to concentrate on one thing at a time and do it well, even social interactions.

 

Fingers crossed. Chin up.

 

She's definitely very independent, I've always been attracted to strong independent women because I'm the same way except for now when I'm being a lil bitch haha. She solo travelled africa as an 18 year old girl for almost a year and she likes being dominant. She definitely has some manly qualities as weird as that sounds, she's bi too so maybe that explains it haha. That's the thing, one moment I'm like it's definitely over and other times I'm just like nope it's fine this is the type of person she seems to be, ehich if that's the case it's fine.

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Meh it's not like I have much to lose. Like I said, I have never felt chemistry this strong before so she's worth the risk. I'm not seeing anyone right now and frankly don't want to other than her. I got out of a relationship a few months ago as well and went through my rebound phase and have frankly have had enough with women for the next few months, I hardly have time for just one girl now with med school starting up again. Also, I'm moving in a year so any relationship I have is most likely going to come to an end so it's nkt like I'm missing out on something better. It's just not that big of a risk for me considering my life to give her another chance.

 

Women will do and say whatever they want. You can take a risk or not. That is up to you. Yes finish your grades and put this to one side. All that hard work for you to get your BS, BA, and MA needs to be completed first.

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She's definitely very independent, I've always been attracted to strong independent women because I'm the same way except for now when I'm being a lil bitch haha. She solo travelled africa as an 18 year old girl for almost a year and she likes being dominant. She definitely has some manly qualities as weird as that sounds, she's bi too so maybe that explains it haha. That's the thing, one moment I'm like it's definitely over and other times I'm just like nope it's fine this is the type of person she seems to be, ehich if that's the case it's fine.

 

She sounds cool. I used to wish I was bi. But it is true when you're dating bi, then you have to wonder about literally EVERYBODY.

 

When young, I was dating a bi guy. I'd been on a double date with him and his roommate. It was me and my date and my girlfriend was his roommate's date. We only dated a couple of months but had known each other for quite a while and he was younger than me. Anyway, we both went out clubbing independent of each other because we were music people, often ending up in the same place. But this night I was out and my boss was hitting on me and was trying to follow me home, so my bi guy's house happened to be right on the way home, so I sped up and cut into that side street and went and knocked on the door to lose my boss. Well, the two roommates were sleeping together on the foldout couch in the living room and it was clear I interrupted something. It rolled off my back because I wasn't serious about him, but if it had been serious, it would have just been one more thing to worry about, you know. I'm still friends with his roommate 40 years later but rarely ever run into himself.

 

If this thing moves forward, you'll have to find out what her ethics are on dating while being bi. Some people who are bi kind of put their same-sex partners into an exception category and don't want to just have one person one sex but think they should have one person but then be able to fulfill their other need as well with no harm no foul.

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Hey all, would really love some help on this, it's a complicated situation and I really like this girl. Long story short:

 

I started dating a girl about 2 weeks after she got out of a 3 year relationship. she broke it off and said she had been checked out for half a year. We dated for 2 weeks and things were literally perfect. I'm 26 and I've never had thigs go this well that fast and also have that much of a strong connection with someone. She would tell me the same and told me she really liked me and pay me all these compliments all the time. We unexpectedly slept on the first date and the other 3 for those 2 weeks.

 

Then suddenly she went cold and used her cousin as visiting her as an excuse. About 3 weeks later we had another date and it was kind of meh and she bolted at the end of the night. I knew something was obviously wrong so I called her out on it and she ended up telling me we need to talk. We met again a few days later. I told her my side of the story how it was confusing to go from so hot to so cold for no reason and it makes me think she's not interested.

She started crying and telling me that this is really hard for her. She said that she genuinely really really likes me, but having just gotten out of a relationship she's not ready to date. She said that she hated the person she became at the end of her relationship since she treated him poorly and cheated and was afraid she would do the same to me so she wanted to figure her **** out first. I really grilled her about her actually liking me since it all sounded like bs, but she stuck to her guns. She said she wish she met me half a year from now and that she would let me know when she's ready. We had one last date together after our talk and we had an amazing time. She couldn't keep her hands off of me and was constantly telling me she really likes me and giving me compliments and even talking about what our future kids would look like and what to name them. She made us take polaroid pics at the end of the date at her place, one for me and one for her.

I texted her 2 days later basically saying this is ridiculous and that she likes me and I like her so lets just see where it goes and she turned me down saying she needs space.

 

What the hell do I do? Is there even a chance in this working out or is she just giving me the whole it's not you it's me speech? Do you think it's a good idea if I told her we could take things slow and we don't have to sleep together, since I think sleeping together so soon has affected hee self worth? I haven't contacted her in a week and it's driving me nuts since we had such a great thing going.

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I started dating a girl about 2 weeks after she got out of a 3 year relationship

 

Stop dating people who just got out of relationships.

 

She said that she hated the person she became at the end of her relationship since she treated him poorly and cheated.

 

She's a cheater this should be enough for you to cut her out of your life for good.

 

 

What you need to do is to see the amounts of red flag this girl brings and stop talking to her. Why would you wanna be with a cheater? it doesn't make sense. Find another girl because this one is a bad news.

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Stop dating people who just got out of relationships.

 

 

 

She's a cheater this should be enough for you to cut her out of your life for good.

 

 

What you need to do is to see the amounts of red flag this girl brings and stop talking to her. Why would you wanna be with a cheater? it doesn't make sense. Find another girl because this one is a bad news.

 

I do have some good reasons. Firstly, I'm moving in just over 6 months so any relationship I get into is most likely not going to last so even if she's a cheater, I have nothing to lose. Secondly, I'm being honest here when I say I've never felt a stronger connection. I get your point though, but since I don't see this lasting for the rest of my life I don't see why I can't soend the next 6 months with someone I have an amazing time with.

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"Not ready yet" might be legit here. Usually it's a lame excuse, but you started dating her really quick after her breakup. Also don't think of her as some innocent, fragile girl... she cheated on her boyfriend.

 

Back off and give her space. When/if she calls, try to keep it fun and avoid serious relationship conversations. (She's already getting that drama from her ex) She probably just wants to have something casual right now.

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