Experiences with contacting people against better judgment

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this.

 

We're often told to take heartbreak/rejection with stride, brush it off, and move on. of course, easier said than done. Sometimes we still have that "what if" thought which prevents us from moving faster. We call this no closure.

 

Can anyone give their experiences on contacting someone when you weren't sure if it was the best decision. Examples could be confronting a slow fader, asking a ghoster what happened, reaching out to someone you used to date but it fell through, tearing into someone who dumped you etc. What happened? How did you feel afterwards? Better/worse?

 

Sure not the proudest moment to show all your cards, but what's pride if having it doesn't make you feel better . There's pride that comes with doing or saying you want, irrespective of the result. Does it really matter if this one person thinks you're weak or desperate if you feel a weight lifted off our your shoulders and finally let the shoe drop? We take control by owning our feelings, expressing them, and not pretending they don't exist to keep a good image to someone who doesn't give a crap anyway

[preraph]

And then they go around and tell people you're a lunatic.

 

What does it matter if you understand why someone you were just dating a while ghosts? Put yourself in their shoes. Say you decided you were just not excited about this guy you went out with a few times and you feel it should be obvious you two were not setting the house on fire. So you say you're busy a time or two or tell him you weren't a good match or you just ghost him.

 

1) Now, which of these ways that he reacts makes you think better of him and respect him more as a person:

 

a) He keeps calling and texting pretending like you didn't just break up with him.

b) He keeps calling and texting begging and asking "Why? What did I do?" "Can we just start over?"

c) He says, "Okay, yeah, I think you're right, we're not a good match," and you never hear from him again (or if you ghosted him, he simply never replies)

 

2) Now, ask yourself what you're going to tell your real and online friends about this guy for each of the above scenarios.

 

Okay, so maybe you have no strings to him, but you still are better off ending on a high note, taking the high road, and maintaining your dignity and not acting like a lost child about it. If you need to ask someone if you have a fatal flaw making people leave, ask your friends and family. A date isn't obligated to get in that deep with you when they're on their way on down the road.

 

And if your relationship was substantial and long-term, well, I think you already know what the issues were, so don't play dumb just to try to hang on.

[SevenCity]

I think you've been on the board long enough to take a guess at the replies. Most are going to say what preraph is saying.

 

I've got a different spin on it (as usual). Now it's one thing to reach out to someone you were chatting with online then disappeared - I would not recommend that. It happens all the time and you likely won't get the truth anyway. It happened to me with 4 girls this week!

 

However, if you had been out with them several times and they just vanished why not? I'm not recommending anything more than one communication, lest you be considered a crazed stalker. I'm not talking about looking for validation or a psycho analysis from someone either. But what's wrong with asking them a question? What's the worst that can happen?

 

Say they make fun of you to their friends. Big f'in deal. Who cares? Say they call you crazy - oh well! But the reality is if they just ghosted you they likely won't be honest either.

 

Yesterday I got a text from a chick I dated back in October. We had a good time together and then one day she ghosted me. Oh well. Fast forward to yesterday and she texts me out of the blue. She feels I ghosted her lol! So we are going to get together again when I've got time lol.

 

Had she not reached out to me I never would have reached out to her. She was fun to hang out with and if nothing progresses I can see having her as a friend. I had an UNBELIEVABLE amount of respect for her reaching out to me.

 

Now in a LTR I absolutely recommend reaching out (assuming you want to) if things are left unfinished. I was 3 months into NC with my ex when I did (she dumped me). The circumstances led me (and others) to believe that she might be too afraid to reach out to me. I sent a text asking her if she wanted to catch up and I had been thinking about her a lot.

 

I never got a reply. But that lack of response spoke volumes and did a few things for me:

- Cleared my conscious that I did EVERYTHING I could do. After all, this girl was to be my wife. Say she were to show it to a new guy and laugh or her friends and take turns calling me a loser. So what? If there was even a 1% chance that she was too afraid and my reaching out was the only way I was willing to take the risk.

- Confirmed that, for whatever reason, she did not want to speak with me (after a 7 year RL mind you) or even give me the courtesy of a "i don't think it's a good idea" reply.

- Gave me the push to realize it was finally over

 

Personally I think it takes a huge amount of courage to reach out to someone who has left you. You will likely not get the response you want (if any) and you are opening yourself up for pain. But, you can walk away knowing you didn't let fear stop you.

 

I will never contact my ex again; like I said it was a one shot deal. If you keep calling and harassing then yes, you will look like a fool.

[olivetree]

Generally, if someone breaks up with you, I would say it's on them to get in contact with you.

People are also not likely to be truthful if you ask them what you did wrong, especially if the relationship was short.

 

However, I think it's best to do whatever result makes you feel better about yourself in the long run.

 

If reaching out to someone is from a place of strength rather than weakness, I think there is no harm in reaching out.

 

When reaching out is from strength:

-You are okay being vulnerable / want to try it out

-The person was overall very good to you

-You're in a good place emotionally

-You won't feel bad if the person doesn't reply / react the way you want

 

When reaching out is from weakness:

-You always chase

-He/she treated you like crap / you were a doormat

-You're lonely / a mess

-You'll feel like crap if they don't reply/react the way you want

[Fair]

And then they go around and tell people you're a lunatic.

 

What does it matter if you understand why someone you were just dating a while ghosts?

 

O.k but on the one hand we're not supposed to care that the person hurt us but we ARE supposed to care what they think about us? Who cares what THEY think? Them and their cheesy friends?

 

Sometimes things can rankle for years... I once had a female friend who turned out to be such a selfish user that when I did toss her aside she didn't even ask why.... and I didn't bother to explain. I'm sure she knew the reason, anyway. But because I never got it off my chest to this day I feel like pushing her face in, and it's been about 15 years. It's not about what their reaction is going to be... sometimes for your own reasons you need to have your say.

 

I hate that shifty people get off Scott free all the time because taking the high road is drilled into so many of us as being the only acceptable answer to bull****. I'm sick of taking the high road. It hasn't done me any favors.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Fair

[dumbass2]

I always think it is best to write that stuff down on a computer and stash it way and not send it. Look at it again down the road and see if you feel the same. Sometimes we get too emotional at the the moment we find something out and later regret our actions. I don't ever think it is wise to send anyone any messages when you are in an emotional state.

[Cookiesandough]

Sevencity, your post spoke to me. It's a different perspective, but it makes sense

[SevenCity]

Sevencity, your post spoke to me. It's a different perspective, but it makes sense

 

Glad you found it helpful.

 

What's your particular situation in relation to this question?

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't want to relay the couple of times I did this (as a very young woman...or, as a teen and then very young woman). I'll only say, nothing I was hoping for came to fruition.

 

Let's just say some fudging and baloney (it's not you, it's me-style stuff) on the one hand and some too-brutal honesty on the other took place.

 

Neither "gave me closure." Closure already happened...the fact that these guys disappeared, one way or another, should have been enough closure. Because how can one come back from that anyway? Over is over even if it's a slow fade. I WASN'T going to be back with someone willing to hurt me in that way.

 

BTW...BOTH times involved cheating while we were together (near the end), then being with that person. So if there was any ultimate "closure" I guess that was it...discovering I just wasn't good enough.

 

No thanks. From that point onward, I never asked for a conversation again. You don't want me? That's good enough for me; you find what you want and I'll do the same, and good luck to both of us moving forward.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Generally, if someone breaks up with you, I would say it's on them to get in contact with you.

People are also not likely to be truthful if you ask them what you did wrong, especially if the relationship was short.

 

Yup!

 

My second "fade" because "we were just growing too different/different directions/hummana hummana baloney-baloney" actually turned out to be: "Well, actually, I did somebody while I was with you, she got pregnant, and I decided I had to marry her."

 

Yeah, oops.

 

As I said...I no longer ask. LOL. To me, gone is gone.

 

I do not condemn anyone who tries for closure or whatever, though. I DO suggest to people, over and over, that if they ask, it WILL hurt, OR will not make sense/be too vague (or both). And I feel like generally...one or both of those things happen.

 

But what this poster ^ typed above...it likely won't be the truth anyway...is a good point.

 

The person doesn't want you...and whether that hurts or not, people are allowed to not want us. People are allowed to want someone else more than us. People are allowed to leave us. They just are...just as we're allowed to do the same.

 

"Ghosting" may seem unfair/not feel good/seem immature but it all amounts to the same thing and if you're broken up with the person (even if based on "ghosting"), who cares if s/he is "immature"? You? You've moved on. You do not care. Hang onto that. And keep moving.

[CaliforniaGirl]

O.k but on the one hand we're not supposed to care that the person hurt us but we ARE supposed to care what they think about us? Who cares what THEY think? Them and their cheesy friends?

 

 

This question brings up a good point, IMO, and the elephant in the room: I think (please don't flame me for this) that MUCH if not most of the time, when we reach out "for closure" or "an explanation" we are, in our heart of hearts, hoping to get back with the person, ultimately, or at least to re-open that door.

 

We are hoping the person will see the error of his ways, or that some weird random thing happened that he thought he "couldn't" contact us anymore or some other-such fantasyland daydream so he was hoping and praying every single night that we'd do it...or whatever. Or simply, we are that desperate to hear the person's voice once again.

 

As I said...I don't want to be flameworthy with this statement. But I do get this feeling.

[preraph]

O.k but on the one hand we're not supposed to care that the person hurt us but we ARE supposed to care what they think about us? Who cares what THEY think? Them and their cheesy friends?

 

Sometimes things can rankle for years... I once had a female friend who turned out to be such a selfish user that when I did toss her aside she didn't even ask why.... and I didn't bother to explain. I'm sure she knew the reason, anyway. But because I never got it off my chest to this day I feel like pushing her face in, and it's been about 15 years. It's not about what their reaction is going to be... sometimes for your own reasons you need to have your say.

 

I hate that shifty people get off Scott free all the time because taking the high road is drilled into so many of us as being the only acceptable answer to bull****. I'm sick of taking the high road. It hasn't done me any favors.

 

Then don't let things build up until they boil over. Call people on their crap at the time they do it. But I'm sorry, acting like you don't have a clue why the person got out is disingenuous. You can let them know you're mad at them, and I never said not to. What I said is don't go crawling asking "why, why" and lose the rest of your dignity. It's not about what They think. It's about what you think of yourself. You should care about having some dignity!

[preraph]

I don't want to relay the couple of times I did this (as a very young woman...or, as a teen and then very young woman). I'll only say, nothing I was hoping for came to fruition.

 

Let's just say some fudging and baloney (it's not you, it's me-style stuff) on the one hand and some too-brutal honesty on the other took place.

 

Neither "gave me closure." Closure already happened...the fact that these guys disappeared, one way or another, should have been enough closure. Because how can one come back from that anyway? Over is over even if it's a slow fade. I WASN'T going to be back with someone willing to hurt me in that way.

 

BTW...BOTH times involved cheating while we were together (near the end), then being with that person. So if there was any ultimate "closure" I guess that was it...discovering I just wasn't good enough.

 

No thanks. From that point onward, I never asked for a conversation again. You don't want me? That's good enough for me; you find what you want and I'll do the same, and good luck to both of us moving forward.

 

You're right,.

The desperate after-breakup phone call will only lead to a second rejection. There's no way it's going to go well. They will simply have to tell you goodbye again.

[SevenCity]

You're right,.

The desperate after-breakup phone call will only lead to a second rejection. There's no way it's going to go well. They will simply have to tell you goodbye again.

 

But this is jumping to an extreme. The OP didn't say anything about begging for them back. I was invisioning "Hey I am working on myself and I was just curious why you stopped calling me".

 

In the case of a broken LTR it's nice to hear the persons reasons if you haven't gotten any. Perhaps you will get them after time has passed.

 

I don't think calling with "Why why why?!?!?!" Is going to help anyone.

[preraph]

If he didn't bother to even dump you face to face, why would you tell him you're going to work on yourself?

[CaliforniaGirl]

But this is jumping to an extreme. The OP didn't say anything about begging for them back. I was invisioning "Hey I am working on myself and I was just curious why you stopped calling me".

 

In the case of a broken LTR it's nice to hear the persons reasons if you haven't gotten any. Perhaps you will get them after time has passed.

 

I don't think calling with "Why why why?!?!?!" Is going to help anyone.

 

Oh ouch...oh my gosh...just don't.

[SevenCity]

Oh ouch...oh my gosh...just don't.

 

I would be happy to give the last few girls I dated some advice if they really wanted it. I didn't ghost them but I sure have some advice for improvement.

 

What's the worst that can happen? Is everyone so concerned about what other people think???

[preraph]

I would be happy to give the last few girls I dated some advice if they really wanted it. I didn't ghost them but I sure have some advice for improvement.

 

What's the worst that can happen? Is everyone so concerned about what other people think???

 

And then are you going to be there for them to grade their improvement and personal progress and be their life coach? While they're trying to make everyone think you're still taken so that you can't date anyone else?

[SevenCity]

And then are you going to be there for them to grade their improvement and personal progress and be their life coach? While they're trying to make everyone think you're still taken so that you can't date anyone else?

 

Hardly. But I would have no issue speaking to them and giving them advice if they asked. No strings attached, no life coaching. And going under the assumption that they are looking to rekindle (unless I want to).

 

You seem to go to extremes like anyone who would ask the question of someone they once dated is a lunatic. I don't feel that way. I think it's very brave of someone to reach out (like the girl who recently reached out to me to see what's up).

[palmsand]

Sort of in this dilemma now. She was pretty vague in saying why things won't work out and I want to know what happened. No fantasy of changing her mind.

 

 

Things were going so well, I really don't know why she suddenly ended it, and if I did I could learn from the experience.

[Cookiesandough]

I've been reading around and saw some things and and had some experiences myself that kind of made me rethink this. I mean if you're sitting by your phone waiting for their text,wondering whatever happened, if you should contact, you've already kind of lost. But you want to give this person who could care less the illusion that you didn't, but both know who was dissed and who did it.I think it's usually people who DONT care as much who speak up about it. It's like scratching an itch to them because they aren't invested. It seems like there's a kind of power that comes with not playing games and just calling them out on it or asking a question. Of course don't harass them, if they ignore again it's futile to keep going, but it's human to wonder what if. I guess it varies from person to person.

Edited February 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[KBob]

Yup!

 

My second "fade" because "we were just growing too different/different directions/hummana hummana baloney-baloney" actually turned out to be: "Well, actually, I did somebody while I was with you, she got pregnant, and I decided I had to marry her."

 

Yeah, oops.

 

As I said...I no longer ask. LOL. To me, gone is gone.

 

I do not condemn anyone who tries for closure or whatever, though. I DO suggest to people, over and over, that if they ask, it WILL hurt, OR will not make sense/be too vague (or both). And I feel like generally...one or both of those things happen.

 

But what this poster ^ typed above...it likely won't be the truth anyway...is a good point.

 

The person doesn't want you...and whether that hurts or not, people are allowed to not want us. People are allowed to want someone else more than us. People are allowed to leave us. They just are...just as we're allowed to do the same.

 

"Ghosting" may seem unfair/not feel good/seem immature but it all amounts to the same thing and if you're broken up with the person (even if based on "ghosting"), who cares if s/he is "immature"? You? You've moved on. You do not care. Hang onto that. And keep moving.

 

I had a similar experience with a woman I fell in love with thathe pulled a slow fade on me. I had ignored my gut instincts to bail when she said she needed space and wanted to scale things back a bit (she went through a messy divorce the year before) and I stayed and hoped. WRONG MOVE. As in all slow fades it ended in confusion and hurt, only to see her on Tinder two weeks later. So I blew up on her, and didn't get any more answers, it only made me feel worse. Lesson learned: walk away, NC and never look back.

 

BUT I did blow up on a woman who was very deceitful and manipulative with me, and basically gave her a big FU message. That felt amazing.

[Blackened Heart]

I have reached out to an ex, or exes I should say, and I would say it was never good except in one instant. Most of the times I reached out was under the ruse of a stupid glimmer of hope of something connecting again, which it never did and would just lead to self inflicted pain (emotional of course).

 

The one thing that it actually did result well was when an ex reached out with me, with the actual interest of just how I was overall. This lead to us chatting some and just keeping in touch on a friendly basis. However overall, I would recommend to not ever reach out to an ex.

 

Oh I did reach out to someone that I went on just two dates, who ghosted asking what happened. They just kept ghosting

[Cookiesandough]

SPEAKING on this...I just got told off like 5 min ago on a dating app by someone I went on one date with last August..it reads:

"

You know, I dont really mind that you faded me, I mean hell, we all do it from time to time and there really shouldn't be any hard feelings when it happens. The way you went about doing it wasnt very nice though. :/ Just as a future reference kinda thing, I bear no ill will."

 

 

I don't even know what to write back or if I should. I opened it thinking he was gonna ask me out again and maybe taking him up on it but I just got OWNED. I do remember fading him after scheduling date 2 because I got involved with another guy I liked more, then telling him my phone wasn't working and never contacting again. I really don't know what to say now. I feel ashamed. I don't have an excuse for my awful behavior.

[Cookiesandough]

I have reached out to an ex, or exes I should say, and I would say it was never good except in one instant. Most of the times I reached out was under the ruse of a stupid glimmer of hope of something connecting again, which it never did and would just lead to self inflicted pain (emotional of course).

 

The one thing that it actually did result well was when an ex reached out with me, with the actual interest of just how I was overall. This lead to us chatting some and just keeping in touch on a friendly basis. However overall, I would recommend to not ever reach out to an ex.

 

Oh I did reach out to someone that I went on just two dates, who ghosted asking what happened. They just kept ghosting

That's a shame it never worked out with your exes. I guess they're ex for a reason. I recently reached out to an ex to the same end... I had this idea we'd reunite and live happily ever after. Some real delusion.