Inexperience

[BigWilly]

So I'm 26 and fairly new to dating. I've been on very few dates and never gotten a second. Now, dating inexperience isn't really causing me too much anxiety or anything, but I'm still curious as to why I've gone this long and whether there's anything I can do to improve myself, if it's the case that I need to. I recognize that strangers on the internet may not be the best way to do this, but it's worth a shot.

 

Some background. I have had some discussions with people who have given the following common reasons as to why I don't have any experience:

-I'm too picky

-I'm self-sabotaging

-I've romanticized dating too much

 

My own feelings about this:

-I can't properly recognize or accept that I'm in a dating-type situation (she's into me, she wants me to ask her out, etc.)

-Low self-esteem

-Dating is so alien to me that it's difficult to accept

 

Basically I'm trying to see if anyone can lend insight into why this might be the case. Were you inexperienced for a long time? How did you break into the dating scene? What do you think was holding you back? Bonus questions: what do you love most about dating? How do you see dating in general? Is it fun? Is it laborious? Is it no big deal? Is it the biggest deal on the planet?

 

I ask those last questions, 1. because I'm curious, and 2. because as someone who both loves dating and recognizes this as a fault (see: over-romanticizing), who sees it as alien and needs to bring it back down to earth, and who sees it as such a big deal that it's difficult to see as "fun" (in the same way that something like Gone With The Wind isn't "fun"), I fully recognize that the problem might not be that I'm afraid, or uninterested, but that I've created a monolith that's scary to me and/or I'm not seeing dating for what it really is.

[BigWilly]

One last point: probably the best and most useful dating advice I've ever been given is "find someone you like". The most basic information you can give me will be helpful, and any and all insight is greatly appreciated! If you're thinking that your insight might not be that great, I probably want to hear from you most of all.

[Lilyana76]

So I'm 26 and fairly new to dating. I've been on very few dates and never gotten a second. Now, dating inexperience isn't really causing me too much anxiety or anything, but I'm still curious as to why I've gone this long and whether there's anything I can do to improve myself, if it's the case that I need to. I recognize that strangers on the internet may not be the best way to do this, but it's worth a shot.

 

Some background. I have had some discussions with people who have given the following common reasons as to why I don't have any experience:

-I'm too picky

-I'm self-sabotaging

-I've romanticized dating too much

 

My own feelings about this:

-I can't properly recognize or accept that I'm in a dating-type situation (she's into me, she wants me to ask her out, etc.)

-Low self-esteem

-Dating is so alien to me that it's difficult to accept

 

Basically I'm trying to see if anyone can lend insight into why this might be the case. Were you inexperienced for a long time? How did you break into the dating scene? What do you think was holding you back? Bonus questions: what do you love most about dating? How do you see dating in general? Is it fun? Is it laborious? Is it no big deal? Is it the biggest deal on the planet?

 

I ask those last questions, 1. because I'm curious, and 2. because as someone who both loves dating and recognizes this as a fault (see: over-romanticizing), who sees it as alien and needs to bring it back down to earth, and who sees it as such a big deal that it's difficult to see as "fun" (in the same way that something like Gone With The Wind isn't "fun"), I fully recognize that the problem might not be that I'm afraid, or uninterested, but that I've created a monolith that's scary to me and/or I'm not seeing dating for what it really is.

 

I was in a 20 year marriage, I broke onto the dating scene a year after my divorce. I am happy, successful and figured it's time because I'm in the mindset that I don't NEED a romantic relationship, but I want someone to spend time with and to be there for and with. I just knew I was ready.

 

I started out on OLD sites. POF and OKCupid... both I was unsuccessful with. I think I naively jumped into it thinking, ok I'm going to meet a bunch of people and just have fun. I did that... for the most part. I met everyone who asked, even if I thought it wouldn't work out. You never know, right?

 

Wrong way to do it. I became seriously disappointed in OLD. I quite, twice. It became more like a chore than fun, and I seriously would cringe when my phone made the sound that I got a messege on the app. I met someone that asked to be my boyfriend during our first meet. I met someone who still lived with his parents, had no job. I met someone else who lived with his sister, tried to get in my pants, when I told him I wasn't ready for that, he told me he thought I was ugly and didn't want me anyway... so yeah some real winners.

 

Now, I just do me. I have friends, we go out dancing, eating, movies or whatever once in awhile. Some of my friends try to set me up, some of them help me scope places for possible suitors... I'm pretty out going and find conversation easy and have no problem approaching people. I figure I will just meet someone, when the timing is right. No pressure.

 

Dating is all new to me, and kind of difficult. But, I sort of feel like I'm going through a second teenager phase, like I just want to have fun and meet people. I don't want to be pressured, or rushed into a relationship. I know my worth, and won't settle for less now

 

You'll figure it all out. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Just relax and go with the flow. Get to know new women, and who knows, they might not be the ones, but might have a friend or something that is.

[d0nnivain]

Do you have friendships that you formed as an adult? If so you can date. Dating is friendship with a physical component.

 

 

When you go on the dates you do get what happens? The keys to a 2nd date include being courteous, being interested (eye contact, asking Qs) and being flirty -- subtle touches, holding gaze a bit longer, romantic setting.

[BigWilly]

I was in a 20 year marriage, I broke onto the dating scene a year after my divorce. I am happy, successful and figured it's time because I'm in the mindset that I don't NEED a romantic relationship, but I want someone to spend time with and to be there for and with. I just knew I was ready.

 

I started out on OLD sites. POF and OKCupid... both I was unsuccessful with. I think I naively jumped into it thinking, ok I'm going to meet a bunch of people and just have fun. I did that... for the most part. I met everyone who asked, even if I thought it wouldn't work out. You never know, right?

 

Wrong way to do it. I became seriously disappointed in OLD. I quite, twice. It became more like a chore than fun, and I seriously would cringe when my phone made the sound that I got a messege on the app. I met someone that asked to be my boyfriend during our first meet. I met someone who still lived with his parents, had no job. I met someone else who lived with his sister, tried to get in my pants, when I told him I wasn't ready for that, he told me he thought I was ugly and didn't want me anyway... so yeah some real winners.

 

Now, I just do me. I have friends, we go out dancing, eating, movies or whatever once in awhile. Some of my friends try to set me up, some of them help me scope places for possible suitors... I'm pretty out going and find conversation easy and have no problem approaching people. I figure I will just meet someone, when the timing is right. No pressure.

 

Dating is all new to me, and kind of difficult. But, I sort of feel like I'm going through a second teenager phase, like I just want to have fun and meet people. I don't want to be pressured, or rushed into a relationship. I know my worth, and won't settle for less now

 

You'll figure it all out. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Just relax and go with the flow. Get to know new women, and who knows, they might not be the ones, but might have a friend or something that is.

 

Thanks for sharing, your story is actually extremely helpful and useful even just in trying to grasp what the heck it is I'm doing, for better or for worse.

[BigWilly]

Do you have friendships that you formed as an adult? If so you can date. Dating is friendship with a physical component.

 

 

When you go on the dates you do get what happens? The keys to a 2nd date include being courteous, being interested (eye contact, asking Qs) and being flirty -- subtle touches, holding gaze a bit longer, romantic setting.

 

Is that really the case? It seems like it should be taken a lot more seriously than just friendship with physicality. I'll admit, I have heard this multiple times but I've never really believed it, so the problem is probably with me and not your advice. Mind you, I have pretty bad problems with being touched in general, and physicality's pretty scary for me, so maybe even just that is more than enough.

 

On dates I can't really tell you what I'm doing because I don't really know, but I'm doing my best to make sure that they're having a good time and I'm trying not to be boring. Unfortunately, as much as I have problems with touch, eye contact's pretty bad for me, too, so the physicality component of a first date is one of my weaker points. That being said, of the two girls I have dated, one of them had a great time but decided not to go any further, and the other was, in her own words, quite attracted to me, but wanted to work on her relationship with God. That sounds like an excuse (and it is), but we would still hang out and talk and we had fun together as friends. She was just skittish and afraid of dating. In fact, I've heard friends and family of both girls say that they're just not ready for men yet. I'm wary of saying "what's wrong with all the girls I date?!" for obvious reasons of a lack of self-awareness, but I think in a sample size as small as mine, this might be acceptable. Friends of mine who will call me out on seemingly benign things (especially when it comes to dating) have also said that neither of these girls were my fault. I don't know if I believe them, and I still think I could've done better on these dates, but there you go.

[preraph]

You should just try to be yourself. Don't try any of those pickup tricks you read everywhere. Women will see right through it. And you don't need it. You're a young healthy guy who women find attractive, at least enough of them.

 

My best advice kind of echo's Donnivain's, and that is start by fostering as big a social circle as you can. So just make friends with men and women and be active and proactive in going out as a group and doing things with them. If you get a big enough social group going, you WILL have romance opportunities.

 

If you have a special interest, like music or anything women typically will take part in, be sure to do active things so that you keep running into other people there who like the same thing. Over time, they will become friends or more.

 

If you're a bar-hopper, it's usually best if you're there for a reason, such as music or watching a game or whatever, so it's not so awkward. But one trick I have seen work well at music clubs is go outside and hang out by the door for awhile. You can talk out there and there may be other people drift out and it's likely they will at least say hi, and it's also possible a girl might see you out there through the window or door and think, Huh, I believe I need a breath of fresh air.

 

Good luck.

[Larryville]

I started out on OLD sites. POF and OKCupid... both I was unsuccessful with. I think I naively jumped into it thinking, ok I'm going to meet a bunch of people and just have fun. I did that... for the most part. I met everyone who asked, even if I thought it wouldn't work out. You never know, right?

 

Wrong way to do it. I became seriously disappointed in OLD. I quite, twice. It became more like a chore than fun, and I seriously would cringe when my phone made the sound that I got a messege on the app. I met someone that asked to be my boyfriend during our first meet. I met someone who still lived with his parents, had no job. I met someone else who lived with his sister, tried to get in my pants, when I told him I wasn't ready for that, he told me he thought I was ugly and didn't want me anyway... so yeah some real winners.

 

Ok I’m going to borrow Lilly’s quote and expand on something I believe I see topic wise more than anything else here.

 

Now I am relating to what OP stated:

 

I'm still curious as to why I've gone this long and whether there's anything I can do to improve myself, if it's the case that I need to. I recognize that strangers on the internet may not be the best way to do this, but it's worth a shot.

 

Some background. I have had some discussions with people who have given the following common reasons as to why I don't have any experience:

-I'm too picky

-I'm self-sabotaging

-I've romanticized dating too much

 

The question for everyone who cares to answer is what exactly is success in OLD?

 

*Simply meeting someone

 

*Meeting someone and you have maybe a few interactions but determine that you are not compatible with someone but you gave it a shot.

 

*A short term relationship, meaning you had some fun but at different stages in life.

 

*Long term – a year or more with someone

 

*Sex?

 

*Marriage?

 

I have participated in some form of OLD since 1998. I met wife #2 on Love@AOL in fact I met her almost immediately after reading her profile I was blown away. OLD win? We were together a total of 11 years.

 

Since my divorce over 7 years ago I have MET in person after an OLD connect I would say 75 people, but only 1 TRUE relationship that lasted 9 months so has OLD failed me?

 

Some brief dating but all fizzled out.

 

I did as OP stated asked myself the same questions about self-sabotaging, or being too picky, however I have far more “experience” than most people here and I continue to “fail” depending on how someone looks at it.

 

Below is a portion of a much longer conversation about navigating OLD I highlighted what I personally agree with and have understood about my OLD experiences.

 

When someone starts a thread lamenting their OLD failures and frustrations maybe some people only focus on their own failures but not the broader picture as to why OLD fails so many of us but the people who create the sites rake in BILLIONS because ALL sites set us all up for failure, but the drive to find “the one” is so overwhelming we keep going back down the rabbit hole.

 

This sums up what every one of us should always consider every single time we decide to log into our various OLD site accounts and every single time we pull out a credit card to jump into the pond.

 

I personally know better, I know all the rules and the pitfalls and what to look for and I read profiles religiously I supposedly do every damn thing correct and I’m not fairing any better than someone who just signed up today.

 

Again how do you define OLD success?

 

If you are focusing on ratios for fairness, it matters but overall isn't an indication of your likelihood of success. The reason for this is women get way more potential suitor’s emails than guys do.

 

Some women do write as it gives them more control than the traditional role of waiting for a guy to approach them. This scenario isn't the norm unless there is something unique about you (that the other person finds attractive) or you are much better looking than the norm.

 

The unspoken secret about these sites is guys pursue multiple girls at the same time and even average girls will get more emails than above average looking guys.

 

I'm not talking just a few more I'm talking 10X more emails. Some of the better looking women's profile don't have 3 sentences, yet they get so many responses they can't handle them all.

 

A lot of girls have to hide their profiles after just a few days to catch up. As a slightly above average looking guy with a well written profile.

 

I received a few emails the first few days none of which I would have chosen to write, as we had nothing in common.

 

After that it tapered off and I had to initiate. I'm not adverse to that but one would think this puts women in more control of their destiny so they will write who they are interested in.

 

Every girl I wrote (some really attractive some average) said the same thing. I don't have to write, I get so many inquiries I just have to sort through them.

 

This has been confirmed many times by girl friends that I know who have posted a profile. I looked at a former girlfriends profile when I visited her (she is pretty but by no means way above average) she had over 100 emails after 3 days and the moment she signed on they started coming in fast and furious again.

 

That alone takes time to sort through. I’m not saying the quality of them all was stellar as it clearly wasn’t.

 

There were a ton of guys just looking to hook up. Another group clearly wasn’t any sort of match. A lot of cheating husbands. All sorts of things that made a sizeable portion not worthy of a date. That said, who were her choices?

 

The better looking guys that weren’t obvious rejects. This is why guys resort to creating a generic email and spamming a lot of women.

 

One other point is the more time you spend actually on the site (active) the more people hit you up.

 

The reason is immediate response is possible, not send an email and wait.

 

Anyway as a guy, your chances of success go up by writing a good profile, showing that you are interesting, posting pictures a girl only needs to post pics if she is attractive .

 

I don’t like spamming but I did give up on trying to craft an email showing I read their profile and made it more generic and sent it to the ones that interested me. I didn’t drop my standards as many guys do. I had reasonably good success but if you think it was comparable to what women are experiencing it isn’t.

 

Unless you are a model I wouldn’t look for a ton of emails coming your direction. Most guys I talk to say this is their experience as well except the one really good looking guy. He does send an email but it’s really bland and he always gets a response.

 

I've always said between the poor behavior of guys and the fact that so many guys carpet bomb every reasonable looking woman they simply get overwhelmed. However the bottom line is this affects men AND women.

 

It is pretty damn hard to be "successful" whatever that is when the playing field is so seriously screwed up.

[Miss Peach]

I've had this conversation with my BF who is much older than you but is very inexperienced with women. IMO a lot of the skills are the same as needed in other social situations. These are traits such as reading social cues, being on time/respecting people's time, honest, ability to communicate, confidence, etc. You should be able to build up a lot of relationship skills just by social and work interactions.

 

I've found meetup groups to be a great way to hone social interaction skills. I also met my last 3 BFs through groups doing things I would be doing anyway.