over after six dates, postmortem

[palmsand]

The last month has been amazing. I had been seeing a girl I met on pof. When things seemed to be moving fast, we talked about where we stood, talked about everything. We were always on the same page.

 

I felt like she was very honest and very serious about a relationship, laying a good groundwork.

 

 

I haven't dated much. Not really at all. Only ever had one real date before meeting her.

 

She often pointed out my inexperience(we talked all about our past relationships/lack thereof) and it was ok. She would say we have to practice this, and next time try that, and so forth. She always projected about us being together. She really gave me the benefit of the doubt, and I was overjoyed that someone would take me seriously given I haven't had much experience.

 

 

Things went incredibly well. When we got together at her place or mine we would stare stupidly at each other most of the time, in addition to things getting on, though we didn't get to the point of sleeping together.

 

 

She has had a lot to deal with lately in terms of loosing good friends(not death), financial stress, borderline stalkers, and family issues. But she never let me think these things would get in the way of us seeing each other.

 

We planned on getting together tonight, and out of the blue, it's over.

 

Said we shouldn't see each other any more. She mentioned the issues above, and said I "just got lost in the shuffle". She said I am "very sweet", and she "just has the desire to see me, if that makes sense". Like that's not enough.

 

 

What do these things mean? Just having the desire to see me sounds like I'm not good enough somehow. Like seeing me should be a compulsion? Does this stem from my behavior not being up to par romantically?

 

I just wasn't catching on and she got bored? I have been conservative when it comes to physical stuff, out of respect for her. Going off everything she has said and how things were going, I never thought this was a problem.

 

 

I honestly don't think all the issues she is dealing with is it. It's not like she doesn't have time. If she liked me as much as I thought she did, she would make it work. But who am I to judge what she is going through?

 

 

I guess I feel like I might have been tricked, not intentionally of course. Things were perfect until today. I just thought she liked me more than this demonstrates. I just want to think that this was real, while it lasted.

 

 

As an example of how much she liked me, she told me on the second date she deleted the app, because of all the creeps on there, and said she had it only two weeks.(only time she has lied) Then, last time I saw her, she slipped and told me about a guy that was creeping on her that she met on the app months ago.

 

So she had the app for months and deleted (actually the whole account) it the day she met me. That says a lot. That's why I'm shocked this suddenly ended.

Edited February 21, 2017 by palmsand

[Ronnys93]

Wow, she sounds like someone who has a lot of possible drama going on in her life. Some of it may be catching up to her and she likely doesn't want you to catch on. The fact that she deleted her app so 'soon' even after LYING because she's had it for months. I feel like she's got other men in the background and she's playing you. She let you fall into this fantasy of you being the one and built you up on false promises of pretend connection (talking about the future, letting you in on her life, etc).

 

In short, she's manipulating not only you, but the other people in her life. Your heart may be a tad bit broken, but you dodged a whole bullet. Go no-contact and try your best to move on from her because she's only going to cause more trouble.

[Imajerk17]

"Just got lost in the shuffle"?? You were right there in front of her!

 

I am sorry to hear this, OP. The real reason is that she just wasn't feeling it, no matter what she said to you a month ago or whatever. I do think she should have taken more responsibility for that instead of giving the excuse that life got in the way though.

[Ronnys93]

"Just got lost in the shuffle"?? You were right there in front of her!

 

I am sorry to hear this, OP. The real reason is that she just wasn't feeling it, no matter what she said to you a month ago or whatever. I do think she should have taken more responsibility for that instead of giving the excuse that life got in the way though.

 

That quote had me questioning whether she meant the OP got lost in the shuffle of life, or other men. It's interesting to say the least but you're spot on too. She doesn't really want the OP as much as he wants her.

[palmsand]

She did kind of warn me about this. She basically said until we decided to become official, nothing was set in stone. That never happened so I guess technically I shouldn't be upset. But everything else she said sounded so serious and got my hopes up.

 

 

I really doubt there were other men. Early on she said there are lots of guys she could date, but didn't want to. I took up a lot of her time, and she was out with friends, traveled to see family, worked overtime, etc. I firmly believe that was all the truth.

[smackie9]

She changed her mind to pursue you....it happens. Like she's going to tell you the real reason. It's over, lick your wounds and get back out there.

[palmsand]

Yeah, don't plan on contacting her again. I just replied to thank her for her honesty(honesty?).

 

 

I just can't help but think what I could have done differently. I know this is a learning experience but I'm not sure what I've learned, if anything.

[Ronnys93]

Yeah, don't plan on contacting her again. I just replied to thank her for her honesty(honesty?).

 

 

I just can't help but think what I could have done differently. I know this is a learning experience but I'm not sure what I've learned, if anything.

 

Just learn that sometimes people aren't as forthcoming as they seem. It happens, it's how you deal with it that matters.

[goldway90]

She often pointed out my inexperience(we talked all about our past relationships/lack thereof) and it was ok. She would say we have to practice this, and next time try that

 

Women hate leading a relationship, they don't like to make decisions it's the man's job.

 

She said I am "very sweet", and she "just has the desire to see me, if that makes sense"

 

She just friendzoned you.

 

My guess she got turned off by your lack of experience and leadership. Probably she felt she was the MAN in the relationship that's why the whole thing ended.

 

This should be a learning experience for you, NC and keep moving forward. Goodluck.

[palmsand]

I think the only area where I didn't lead was in defining the relationship. She knew from the start how much I liked her and wanted to be committed. But she had a "waiting period", which ended friday. I guess to either see if I was going to turn into a creep, or see if I was willing to wait for sex. Totally understandable either way. I was willing to wait and prove myself.

 

So she kind of took on that role herself, automatically.

 

 

I took charge in everything else. I asked her to do stuff. I called and texted her. I suggested things we could do together. I respected her schedule and having time to do other things as well, though.

[goldway90]

She knew from the start how much I liked her and wanted to be committed.

 

This is exactly why ended up in the friendzone, available all time, you weren't a mystery.

 

But she had a "waiting period", which ended friday. I guess to either see if I was going to turn into a creep, or see if I was willing to wait for sex. Totally understandable either way. I was willing to wait and prove myself.

 

Sex is natural, if you're both into each other you don't need a waiting period or to prove yourself, it's not like she had a golden V. You were too nice and didn't make her tick.

 

So she kind of took on that role herself, automatically.

 

If she took on that role herself, it means you didn't lead at all.

 

I took charge in everything else. I asked her to do stuff. I called and texted her. I suggested things we could do together. I respected her schedule and having time to do other things as well, though.

 

Here's the thing, you don't ask a woman you lead her. Texting and calling means you chased a lot ( again available). Suggesting same with asking, you don't do that. As a man you're supposed to be dominant, leader that's what every women love.

[palmsand]

I don't understand. I should have ignored her? I thought being dominant was making plans and sticking to them.

 

 

As far as her deciding about the relationship, she set that up very early on. I never mentioned it or asked about it. She asked me how I felt about things, which I answered in a reserved but positive way.

 

 

If she banged every dude that went on a couple of dates with her, there would have been way more than the very few that she has had sex with. She respects herself more than that.

Edited February 21, 2017 by palmsand

[Cora]

Sounds like she just lost interest. Hey, be glad it happened only after 6 dates and not 6 months or longer.

 

I was with a guy for 6 months who out of the blue told me he needed time to work on himself and his health issues etc. Never heard from him again. I later found out he was with someone new who he met before he even ended things with me. I was in shock for a long time.

 

It happens though. Unfortunately some people are just crappy and will lead you on or won't tell you to your face it's over, be honest with you etc. You just have to keep moving forward. Life goes on. You'll eventually find someone who's right for you.

[ZA Dater]

The last month has been amazing. I had been seeing a girl I met on pof. When things seemed to be moving fast, we talked about where we stood, talked about everything. We were always on the same page.

 

I felt like she was very honest and very serious about a relationship, laying a good groundwork.

 

 

I haven't dated much. Not really at all. Only ever had one real date before meeting her.

 

She often pointed out my inexperience(we talked all about our past relationships/lack thereof) and it was ok. She would say we have to practice this, and next time try that, and so forth. She always projected about us being together. She really gave me the benefit of the doubt, and I was overjoyed that someone would take me seriously given I haven't had much experience.

 

 

Things went incredibly well. When we got together at her place or mine we would stare stupidly at each other most of the time, in addition to things getting on, though we didn't get to the point of sleeping together.

 

 

She has had a lot to deal with lately in terms of loosing good friends(not death), financial stress, borderline stalkers, and family issues. But she never let me think these things would get in the way of us seeing each other.

 

We planned on getting together tonight, and out of the blue, it's over.

 

Said we shouldn't see each other any more. She mentioned the issues above, and said I "just got lost in the shuffle". She said I am "very sweet", and she "just has the desire to see me, if that makes sense". Like that's not enough.

 

 

What do these things mean? Just having the desire to see me sounds like I'm not good enough somehow. Like seeing me should be a compulsion? Does this stem from my behavior not being up to par romantically?

 

I just wasn't catching on and she got bored? I have been conservative when it comes to physical stuff, out of respect for her. Going off everything she has said and how things were going, I never thought this was a problem.

 

 

I honestly don't think all the issues she is dealing with is it. It's not like she doesn't have time. If she liked me as much as I thought she did, she would make it work. But who am I to judge what she is going through?

 

 

I guess I feel like I might have been tricked, not intentionally of course. Things were perfect until today. I just thought she liked me more than this demonstrates. I just want to think that this was real, while it lasted.

 

 

As an example of how much she liked me, she told me on the second date she deleted the app, because of all the creeps on there, and said she had it only two weeks.(only time she has lied) Then, last time I saw her, she slipped and told me about a guy that was creeping on her that she met on the app months ago.

 

So she had the app for months and deleted (actually the whole account) it the day she met me. That says a lot. That's why I'm shocked this suddenly ended.

 

Put simply: you got played.

 

You were the nicest option at the time and then she met someone more experienced and you were then not the best option anymore.

 

Don't feel bad about yourself though, I am sure it hurts terribly but be thankful you don't need to be around a person who isn't transparent or seemingly honest.

 

Motto in life: If I seem to good to be true...it usually is false or built on a false platform.

[ZA Dater]

Women hate leading a relationship, they don't like to make decisions it's the man's job.

 

 

 

She just friendzoned you.

 

My guess she got turned off by your lack of experience and leadership. Probably she felt she was the MAN in the relationship that's why the whole thing ended.

 

This should be a learning experience for you, NC and keep moving forward. Goodluck.

 

Perhaps a bit harsh but perhaps partly true.

 

You can move forward or you can sulk, the former is better than the latter but the former is the hardest to do.

[d0nnivain]

Moved too fast is an understatement.

 

 

1 month & 6 dates . . . the farthest in the future you should be talking about is whether you'd still be together next week.

 

 

The minute things got that intense should have been a clue that they would burn out just as fast.

 

 

Your take away is to slow down. Save the deep stuff for 6 months / 1 year in when you have a track record, & know by the person's actions that they can be trusted to show up.

 

 

Nobody deletes the app or takes down their profile after 2 dates. It's too soon. Even if they do, they don't tell the other person because it's too much of a commitment too fast. As for their "borderline stalkers" they probably exist because she came on as hot & heavy with them in the beginning. Unlike you, they didn't take no for an answer. She causes her own problems by misleading men.

[ZA Dater]

Moved too fast is an understatement.

 

 

1 month & 6 dates . . . the farthest in the future you should be talking about is whether you'd still be together next week.

 

 

The minute things got that intense should have been a clue that they would burn out just as fast.

 

 

Your take away is to slow down. Save the deep stuff for 6 months / 1 year in when you have a track record, & know by the person's actions that they can be trusted to show up.

 

 

Nobody deletes the app or takes down their profile after 2 dates. It's too soon. Even if they do, they don't tell the other person because it's too much of a commitment too fast. As for their "borderline stalkers" they probably exist because she came on as hot & heavy with them in the beginning. Unlike you, they didn't take no for an answer. She causes her own problems by misleading men.

 

Flip the boot over.

 

Imagine how fantastic those 6 dates must have felt for someone with little experience or success. There are those here who haven't even got past date 2 never mind date 5.

[d0nnivain]

Flip the boot over.

 

Imagine how fantastic those 6 dates must have felt for someone with little experience or success. There are those here who haven't even got past date 2 never mind date 5.

 

 

I'm sure they were amazing.

 

 

My point to any one, especially somebody with limited dating experience is to recognize that too much too soon is not a great thing because it's most likely fake.

[ZA Dater]

I'm sure they were amazing.

 

 

My point to any one, especially somebody with limited dating experience is to recognize that too much too soon is not a great thing because it's most likely fake.

 

I agree but its also easy to become jaded and I would encourage the OP not to become that because it sucks the life out of any possible good dating experienced because you will forever wonder if it was fake or not.

 

All he can do is see the positives in this but that on its own is hard to do with the apparent blame has been shifted in his direction. I am sure she met another guy which promoted the "hot potato" scenario.

 

OP, feel encouraged though because 6 dates is good going.

[CptInsano]

I agree but its also easy to become jaded and I would encourage the OP not to become that because it sucks the life out of any possible good dating experienced because you will forever wonder if it was fake or not. [....]

 

You need some initial enthusiasm to make things happen, and there is nothing wrong with that. After a number of dates it may become apparent whether there is a fit or not. That's the nature and purpose of dating, the way it is supposed to be.

 

The problem is interpreting too much into these early stages of dating. It's about getting to know each other, it is not a relationship yet. Just enjoy it for what it is.

[d0nnivain]

Think of a new relationship like a new friendship. After some small # of meetings how much of yourself are you giving over in the friendship. Most people know to play a friendship closer to the vest. Just because a relationship entails more physical things -- hand holding, hugs, kisses & possibly sex -- does not make the person inherently more trustworthy then a new friend.

 

 

It's all about balance, pace & good judgment.

 

 

It's not easy to be enthusiastic about a new relationship, guard your heart & still make it work. But that is the line you have to walk.

 

 

If it's too good to be true & too much too soon, it's probably not going to last or end well.

[ZA Dater]

Think of a new relationship like a new friendship. After some small # of meetings how much of yourself are you giving over in the friendship. Most people know to play a friendship closer to the vest. Just because a relationship entails more physical things -- hand holding, hugs, kisses & possibly sex -- does not make the person inherently more trustworthy then a new friend.

 

 

It's all about balance, pace & good judgment.

 

 

It's not easy to be enthusiastic about a new relationship, guard your heart & still make it work. But that is the line you have to walk.

 

 

If it's too good to be true & too much too soon, it's probably not going to last or end well.

 

Ultimately and keep saying this the OP needs to take the positive out, which is a lot I think in this situation. For an inexperienced guy to manage 6 dates is an achievement.

 

As an aside, the more I read the less attractive the entire idea becomes but the OP should keep trying because clearly he has some success to fall back on.

[palmsand]

Thank you everyone.

 

They were amazing.

 

 

I bent the rules for her, which it looks like I shouldn't have done.

 

The third date was the day after the second, and I ended up staying over at her house that night. (she really pushed getting together soon after the 2nd).

 

I never would have done that normally.

 

 

I told her I thought at least 3-5 days between dates was good, she didn't agree but I didn't understand what her point was exactly. Later I came up with the idea that if we both want to see each other, who cares when? Or if it's the next day. She liked that idea.

 

 

So what you guys are saying makes sense. She rushed everything and the second it started slowing down/becoming routine, she took off.

[d0nnivain]

In your next relationship understand that rules aren't ironclad. They exist to help people from rushing too much too fast. Just because you see each other every day does not mean that you have developed the same level of trust & intimacy that builds over time (I'm talking years here, not a few dates & not even sex).

 

 

You did most things right. Any mistakes were born of inexperience. Listen to your gut in the future & you should be just fine.

[palmsand]

I can't help but think i was played a fool for trusting her. Sure, I didn't trust her on the first or second date, but going on a month in with daily communication, I started to think I could trust her.

 

I don't know to tell when/if I can trust people, I thought I could trust her but I was proven wrong again.

 

 

I guess some positives would be that I really restrained the desperation that I feel. I have been getting much better at this.

 

I didn't jump to deleting the app even though I wanted to. After the first date I couldn't think of seeing anyone else(and wouldn't anyway given my dating life), as juvenile and presumptive as that sounds.

 

I didn't freak out when I texted her and didn't hear for few hours, which is my gut reaction. I knew(trusted) she would respond sooner or later.

 

I just really tried to not look desperate (thought I was) and I think that worked. If anything, she came off as desperate.

 

I tried to keep our communication in balance. For example, when she popped up and asked why I'm not talking to her, where did I go? I would increase communication a little.

 

Really tried not to talk about important things over text, too. But they would come up sometimes.

 

I'm just getting stuff off my chest I guess.