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New Relationship Anxiety: When Honeymoons End and Things Get Real


TunaInTheBrine

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TunaInTheBrine

I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, and exclusively for one month. We are both in early-mid thirties. We just had our first two fights within the last week. Naturally, I think I'm feeling a little anxious about whether it's a match. It doesn't mean I want to break up; just that things feel different now since the fights.

 

I'm posting here in hopes of soliciting advice from some people in an LTR or who are relationship experienced because I haven't done a relationship outside of casual dating in years, I'm anxious, and I think I just want a little reassurance on whether or not what we're going through is normal for a relationship.

 

Here goes...

 

Fight #1

She became angry with me over issues involving money. One was because I wouldn't tell her my credit limit on my credit card, and another was because I suggested we split a dinner check (note: I pay ~70% of our outings). For her, she said her first marriage ended due to financial reasons and so she is trying to avoid putting herself in the same situation again by figuring out where I'm at. I've never had a woman fight with me over money like this before, especially at two months in, so I was taken aback. I did feel like she was focusing too much on my financial standing early in the relationship, whereas it is obvious from my apartment, job, and lifestyle that I earn a comfortable six-figure income (she makes similar money, if that is helpful to know). She did apologize and said she gets immature sometimes when she's upset, that now she was feeling comfortable enough to back off a little about money, and she has so far but I can tell she is just a very money focused person. I understand she also doesn't want to repeat her first marriage.

 

Fight #2

She was texting on her phone at my place before we were going to go out and I asked who she was texting, and she got defensive. To me, I was really just asking casually, but she was defensive because she knows I was cheated on in the past and so assumed I was suspicious. I didn't challenge her back or fight because we were supposed to go out and I didn't want to ruin the night. But things felt weird as we were going out. We went salsa dancing, and we went off in different directions when we got inside. Normally, we spend 70% of the night together when at a salsa club. This time though, we only danced one song and she was practically avoiding me and dancing with other men the whole night. I saw her dancing with this one guy for three songs in a row, laughing with him and talking a lot. They had great dance chemistry, obviously. She has always told me that she doesn't talk to guys when dancing because that is a sign the man likes the girl and she just wants to dance, not flirt. So when I saw this happening, and she continued to not look for me, I got pissed off and confronted her, telling her I wasn't comfortable with what was happening. We wound up leaving the club. She admitted to "acting rebellious" because of the texting issue earlier and knowing she was making me upset by acting the way she was. She did apologize for doing that, admitted to being selfish for prizing fun over what was obviously negative energy between us going into the club, and I too did apologize for getting upset with her.

 

The Good, The Bad; Is There Hope?

 

The good news is that in both instances, we really talked a lot with each other afterward about what had happened, owned our feelings, made efforts to understand each other, and found ways to reconnect. We are both committed to establishing a healthy framework for a relationship as we continue to get to know each other. We agreed to talk about issues as they arise and not put it off when we both know that doing so would be bad. Our communication feels pretty solid.

 

The bad news is that these fights did end the honeymoon phase, and things just feel different. We are still playful with each other, have lots of sex, and are not holding grudges...but we both can feel the energy shift and I think are just fearful because of past relationship hurts. I noticed she didn't kiss me as deeply last night during sex, she didn't compliment me like she normally does in bed (she says how sexy and manly/masculine I am), she did not latch onto me/cuddle me in the morning like she usually does, and she is holding off on me meeting her mom this week like we were supposed to (she says it's because her mom's arthritis is acting up, but I do admit I feel the timing of it doesn't feel helpful). I'm a little bothered by these things, but I know it's not up to me to determine what she feels. Maybe she needs to feel the doubt just as I am, and both of us continue to push forward instead of trying to control the direction of the relationship.

 

Ergo, I am making an effort to just go with the flow and remember that these fights don't necessarily mean things won't work, especially because of how we handled them; that it just means we're evolving out of the honeymoon phase. But I guess because of my past hurts, and for her - her past hurts too, I am a little anxious. Will she continue to scrutinize my finances? Will she use it against me that I've been betrayed in the past by partners and see me as controlling (and worse, 'act rebellious' toward me so that I want to become more controlling)? How can I re-center myself so I can feel less anxious, not forget what happened, but not be fixated on it? Or do I have reason here to be concerned? We are both over casual dating and are intentional about building a commitment the right way. Inevitably, we bring our past issues with us into our relationships. The trick, I feel, is to use your past for good, instead of it using you.

 

Replies from people over 30 and with significant relationship experience is desired.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, and exclusively for one month.

 

We just had our first two fights within the last week.

 

She became angry with me over issues involving money. One was because I wouldn't tell her my credit limit on my credit card, and another was because I suggested we split a dinner check (note: I pay ~70% of our outings).

 

She was texting on her phone at my place before we were going to go out and I asked who she was texting, and she got defensive. To me, I was really just asking casually, but she was defensive because she knows I was cheated on in the past and so assumed I was suspicious.

 

I am making an effort to just go with the flow and remember that these fights don't necessarily mean things won't work, especially because of how we handled them; that it just means we're evolving out of the honeymoon phase. But I guess because of my past hurts, and for her - her past hurts too, I am a little anxious. Will she continue to scrutinize my finances?

 

I know some might post something about conflict resolution and that as long as you talk out your issues things will be cool.

 

But I don’t know if I’m just noticing it more but people here are posting these novel length post regarding “fights” they are having with their NEW significant others over stuff they should not be “fighting” about unless they have been together for years or are thinking about marriage.

 

OP your anxiety should have been worked out and resolved BEFORE you got into this relationship. It amazes me how many people will hold on to past stuff and tuck it away, then get with someone and dump their old baggage on someone new.

 

To me first you should not be “fighting” about finances within one freaking month of a relationship.

 

The other you asking about a text and he getting defensive means there is mental baggage there as well.

 

I’m repeating myself again and will continue to do so…

 

You took the time to post this which means there is a whole lot more to this story…

 

Will she use it against me that I've been betrayed in the past by partners and see me as controlling

 

ABSOLUTELY!

 

If you guys are having good sex you will no doubt ignore the ongoing elephants in the room, but when the sex becomes “mundane” you will fight in more detail about other stuff.

 

Good relationships while they take work and effort should not be a freaking chore in month number ONE!

 

And for anyone contemplating a relationship with someone new, clean your (mental) house first before proceeding. Don't waster your or the other persons time.

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SoThatHappened

37 male here, with decent relationship experieince:

 

Fighting over money and who she's texting within 2 months is no bueno.

 

As soon as she would've even started an argument about that, I'd be telling her it was nice getting to know her but I don't think we match up well.

 

Any woman more interested in my finances than me as a person gets the axe. Too many great women out there to have to deal with someone who focuses on money.

 

Also, any woman who tries to make me jealous by flirting or talking with other guys, might as well just keep flirting and talking with those guys, because I'm no longer hers.

 

There are great women out there. Don't settle for this just because you want steady sex.

Edited by SoThatHappened
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Fighting over money and who she's texting within 2 months is no bueno.

 

As soon as she would've even started an argument about that, I'd be telling her it was nice getting to know her but I don't think we match up well.

 

Any woman more interested in my finances than me as a person gets the axe. Too many great women out there to have to deal with someone who focuses on money.

 

Also, any woman who tries to make me jealous by flirting or talking with other guys, might as well just keep flirting and talking with those guys, because I'm no longer hers.

 

There are great women out there. Don't settle for this just because you want steady sex.

 

OP, you have a controlling, manipulative, gold digging, game playing, immature lady in your hands. Dump her and move on. I know your mind will justify like "But guys you don't know this... We did this after. We did that after." Doesn't matter. Enough red flag signs here for experienced guys to say "Move on!" Don't learn it the hard way, like many. And if you wait, and not leave this woman, you will learn it the hard way. I guarantee it.

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she was practically avoiding me and dancing with other men the whole night. I saw her dancing with this one guy for three songs in a row, laughing with him and talking a lot.

 

Red flag number 1.

 

She admitted to "acting rebellious" because of the texting issue earlier and knowing she was making me upset by acting the way she was

 

Red flag number 2.

 

I too did apologize for getting upset with her.

 

Why did you apologize? you did nothing wrong, she gave you half ass apology making feel guilty and you fell for it. She's very manipulative.

 

Obviously it's your call but if i were in your place she'd be my Ex.

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I'm no expert on this, not having had a successful relationship for ages - mainly because I haven't wanted to get into them - but the money thing would bother me. Asking to know someone's credit ceiling is really not polite. You have been dating for two months are not married! She was unhappy about sharing a bill too when you have been paying most of it all along. It could be she has financial worries that you are not aware of. Whatever the situation, she is obviously highly sensitive to a guy's financial status. Maybe it is worth asking her what financial issues she and her ex had. If he was a profligate gambler who gambled all their money away, she might be trying to protect herself from someone who could be reckless with money.

 

Another possibility, which is not nice, is that she is looking for someone wealthy. I would not jump to conclusions about this. Just wait and see how she reacts to other things. I think all will become clear if she is just looking for a wealthy guy.

 

Dancing with others instead of you seems a petty way of 'getting back' at you. This is really childish. It's good that you and she discussed things afterwards. Did the discussion allay your anxieties?

Edited by spiderowl
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TunaInTheBrine
Maybe it is worth asking her what financial issues she and her ex had.

I know she said he "was very irresponsible with money," but I don't know the details.

 

Another possibility, which is not nice, is that she is looking for someone wealthy.

I don't believe she is. She is definitely money-focused, but I know she was dating a couple of other guys when we first seeing each other who were so wealthy that they paid 100% of everything and told her if she chose them that she would never have to work another day in her life. She said she chose me because of the feelings she has when she is with me, and because that's not the lifestyle she wants - she wants to work, but yes, she does want someone who is well-off. I'm not rich, but I'm definitely comfortable, and she knows that. I still worry though that I'm not enough for her.

 

As a side note, I also know she was engaged recently, and that broke off because the guy was apparently very depressed in the relationship with her and wouldn't get help or something like that. She was very mad that he wouldn't let her keep the engagement ring afterward. I kind of wonder if she had any role in that that she's not acknowledging now.

 

She also likes to move fast. She moved in with her last boyfriend after 3 months of dating, and things went south pretty fast because the guy felt she was not sensitive to his feelings.

 

The divorce, the engagement, and the live-in partner have all happened within the last 3 years, by the way. She does not seem to have a good track record.

 

Dancing with others instead of you seems a petty way of 'getting back' at you. This is really childish. It's good that you and she discussed things afterwards. Did the discussion allay your anxieties?

 

The discussion definitely helped, and I saw how scared she got when I drew a line with her and she realized what she did wasn't cool. However, I have an uneasy feeling about her now and feel I'm starting to get a clearer picture of who she is, what matters to her, and how she treats the men in her life she dates. And that clearer picture does make me anxious about what a long-term future with this person would be like, if this is how it's going to go.

 

Part of me wants to give it a fair shot and just say that it would be premature to end things now based on how well everything else has gone, and that this is just a natural fear/doubt thing people go through when the honeymoon phase ends and the first fight(s) happen. However, there is another part of me that can't avoid my gut, and is freaked out enough to come back to LS forums and post about it.

 

I really don't want to dump her, because I do want an LTR and she is great in a lot of ways, but I don't want to be a sucker either and ignore the red flags. Still not sure what to do yet, or maybe I do know and am just disappointed with what I probably have to do...

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I know she said he "was very irresponsible with money," but I don't know the details.

 

 

I don't believe she is. She is definitely money-focused, but I know she was dating a couple of other guys when we first seeing each other who were so wealthy that they paid 100% of everything and told her if she chose them that she would never have to work another day in her life. She said she chose me because of the feelings she has when she is with me, and because that's not the lifestyle she wants - she wants to work, but yes, she does want someone who is well-off. I'm not rich, but I'm definitely comfortable, and she knows that. I still worry though that I'm not enough for her.

 

As a side note, I also know she was engaged recently, and that broke off because the guy was apparently very depressed in the relationship with her and wouldn't get help or something like that. She was very mad that he wouldn't let her keep the engagement ring afterward. I kind of wonder if she had any role in that that she's not acknowledging now.

 

She also likes to move fast. She moved in with her last boyfriend after 3 months of dating, and things went south pretty fast because the guy felt she was not sensitive to his feelings.

 

The divorce, the engagement, and the live-in partner have all happened within the last 3 years, by the way. She does not seem to have a good track record.

 

 

 

The discussion definitely helped, and I saw how scared she got when I drew a line with her and she realized what she did wasn't cool. However, I have an uneasy feeling about her now and feel I'm starting to get a clearer picture of who she is, what matters to her, and how she treats the men in her life she dates. And that clearer picture does make me anxious about what a long-term future with this person would be like, if this is how it's going to go.

 

Part of me wants to give it a fair shot and just say that it would be premature to end things now based on how well everything else has gone, and that this is just a natural fear/doubt thing people go through when the honeymoon phase ends and the first fight(s) happen. However, there is another part of me that can't avoid my gut, and is freaked out enough to come back to LS forums and post about it.

 

I really don't want to dump her, because I do want an LTR and she is great in a lot of ways, but I don't want to be a sucker either and ignore the red flags. Still not sure what to do yet, or maybe I do know and am just disappointed with what I probably have to do...

 

 

@The bolded - I feel like she's really just telling you what you want to hear right here. If this was true, her curiosity over what your credit limit was wouldn't have caused such a spark. Listen to your gut, it's telling you that something is off.

 

The honeymoon phase while real is not something you should be focused on. It's just the way we perceive things after the initial high of our relationships wear off, and if the honeymoon phase has ended THIS soon for you then the problem may not be the honeymoon phase at all, but her. I get tired of people on here trying to use the honeymoon phase ending for the reasons their relationships are in turmoil. That's not how it works.

Edited by Ronnys93
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I'm going to address the honeymoon aspect of your OP without getting into the nitty gritty details you've gone into.

 

I think that you can go in and out of the honeymoon phase with the same partner many times over the course of a relationship, even if that relationship lasts a lifetime.

That said, I think that the first honeymoon phase should last longer than two months.

The honeymoon is awesome and should be enjoyed as long as possible.

The longer it lasts, the more compatible you likely are... the shorter it is obviously spells the opposite.

 

A lot of couples need to face whether or not their feelings are real when this phase ends (the first time), or if it was just infatuation.

If you're only two months in, it's hard to imagine that you have built a solid enough relationship to handle when **** gets real, as it already has.

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I don't need a well off guy but I am not a feminist and prefer a guy treats me to the dates.

 

I wouldn't date a guy that makes 6 figures who wanted to split. It is cheap. As if you can't afford to pay?

 

And by the way I am super generous with my finances. Got my bf an overseas trip for his bday.

 

Some women are just into men who prefer to spoil a woman. Doesn't mean they need a guy with money. Just a more traditional guy who believes dates are for men treat.

 

That is just me and my girlfriends are also into traditional men. Who pay for simple dates. Thesee women pay their way in rent and mortgages in commensurate to their incomes.

 

Some women are just funny about dates and splitting.

Edited by Leigh 87
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TunaInTheBrine
I don't need a well off guy but I am not a feminist and prefer a guy treats me to the dates.

 

I wouldn't date a guy that makes 6 figures who wanted to split. It is cheap. As if you can't afford to pay?

 

And by the way I am super generous with my finances. Got my bf an overseas trip for his bday.

 

Some women are just into men who prefer to spoil a woman. Doesn't mean they need a guy with money. Just a more traditional guy who believes dates are for men treat.

 

That is just me and my girlfriends are also into traditional men. Who pay for simple dates. Thesee women pay their way in rent and mortgages in commensurate to their incomes.

 

Some women are just funny about dates and splitting.

 

And some men prefer not to invest their energy in Little Princesses. In my experience, most men don't want to be with one of those women, and of those who do, many of them use their wallet to substitute for their confidence.

 

I am by no means cheap, but the unfortunate reality is that if you're a successful guy, you will encounter gold diggers. One way men can guard against this is to see how women react over time to them about issues of money. I typically pay the first few dates and then open things up for her to pay half. Sometimes I still pick up the tab...but when I want to. I do end up paying most of the relationship, even when the woman makes the same income as me. This has never been an issue in my previous relationships. I really, really don't believe this is an issue about me being cheap.

 

But that's a whole other issue than the one I initially posted about and what you posted. Look, this post is really about red flags in a relationship triggered by a woman whose primary focus is money....not just whether the guy should pay for dates, as well as a woman who resorts to manipulation and jealousy to rebel against her boyfriend.

 

She asks about my credit line, the financial details of my business, whether I have any investments or bonds, etc... She even bought me a wallet for Valentine's Day and was pouty that I made her gift (a thoughtful painting, nevermind the $80 roses I bought) rather than bought her gift! This is barely two months into a relationship, not to mention the other displays of selfish behavior at the salsa club recently. I haven't seen one reply to this thread so far from someone that suggests they would NOT dump this woman.

 

Maybe your comment was meant to be a side thread about who should pay for dates, but I'd like to redirect the post back to the larger picture.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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She wants way too much information about things that are none of her business at this stage of dating. At 2 months in, her nose doesn't belong in your wallet or your bank statements. I think it was rather tacky to give you a wallet for Valentine's Day--that's more like a "here... looks like you could use one of these" gift. To me, her giving you that wallet was her sending a message about her attitude towards your money.

 

Whatever her issues were from her last marriage are exact that: her issues/her marriage-divorce. Has nothing to do with you. Her behavior is saying she hasn't dealt with her ex effectively and has brought his baggage to you for you to unpack and sort. Again, not your issue to reconcile.

 

Yeah, this is the real her now that the honeymoon is over/representatives have gone. If it's a no-go for you, then you should make that plain to her sooner than later.

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I read the whole thing but my opinion was made up right after reading she was mad because you did not disclose your credit card limit at 2 months dating. I would have ended the relationship on the spot.

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Add me to the list of those who are unimpressed with this woman.

 

In both fights, she was not only wrong, but an instigator. Her subsequent admissions that she can be "immature" and "selfish" should be warning signs to you. Are these the qualities you want in a partner?

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TunaInTheBrine

Whatever her issues were from her last marriage are exact that: her issues/her marriage-divorce. Has nothing to do with you. Her behavior is saying she hasn't dealt with her ex effectively and has brought his baggage to you for you to unpack and sort. Again, not your issue to reconcile.

 

Yeah, this is the real her now that the honeymoon is over/representatives have gone. If it's a no-go for you, then you should make that plain to her sooner than later.

 

I agree 100%. And I hate to throw race/ethnicity into the picture, but she immigrated here from China in her twenties, and her cultural background/family was very material focused, from what she described. She has told me of exes who called her "a little princess."

 

I slept horrible the last three nights. Tossing and turning to get to sleep, and waking up at 5:00 am. Not a good time. My gut, coupled with the feedback on this forum, is consistently pointing me toward the exit sign. I'm going to break things off and get back to dating until I find someone whose focus is the same as mine regarding a relationship - the emotional connection and quality of time spent together, not the quantity of dollars.

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TunaInTheBrine
I read the whole thing but my opinion was made up right after reading she was mad because you did not disclose your credit card limit at 2 months dating. I would have ended the relationship on the spot.

 

I really thought about doing that then and there, Gaeta. I should have.

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I agree 100%. And I hate to throw race/ethnicity into the picture, but she immigrated here from China in her twenties, and her cultural background/family was very material focused, from what she described. She has told me of exes who called her "a little princess."

 

Then she is looking for a husband and the clock is ticking as in her culture if you pass 26-27 you are no marriage material any longer.

 

Being from another culture does not give her a pass for being immature and materialistic. I work with several Chinese ladies who are adorable, generous and kind. Why don't you let her be someone else's problem.

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TunaInTheBrine
Then she is looking for a husband and the clock is ticking as in her culture if you pass 26-27 you are no marriage material any longer.

 

Being from another culture does not give her a pass for being immature and materialistic. I work with several Chinese ladies who are adorable, generous and kind. Why don't you let her be someone else's problem.

 

Exactly. I think I've tried to take into consideration cultural context and that's part of what inspired me to hesitate (in addition to the fact that I do actually like her), but the emerging picture of what being with her long-term looks like does not look like a happy one to me.

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GunslingerRoland

You don't really know who someone is until you see them in conflict situations. Now you know who she is. Don't let the fact that others parts of your relationship are still in the honeymoon phase fool you.

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I'm a female, relationship of almost 3 years, engaged to be married in 5 months. At two months, neither one of us would have dreamed of asking financial questions of each other and we were very far from ending of the honeymoon phase. I don't even think we disclosed our incomes, beyond just figuring out that we both made "good money" based on our professions.

 

This relationship seems to go on the drama course way too early and I don't think it'll end well.

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I read the whole thing but my opinion was made up right after reading she was mad because you did not disclose your credit card limit at 2 months dating. I would have ended the relationship on the spot.

 

Agreed. I have never been asked about my credit card limits, ever. Not that I wouldn't answer that question, but not unless I'm considering marriage and combining our finances.

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I just wanted to chime and say that I have to agree with the other posters, as much as this situation truly sucks for you, especially as you probably wanted to believe you had finally found someone to have a LTR with :(

 

 

One thing I really didn't like is how her response to you asking about her messaging was to intentionally hurt you. I'm a thirty year old woman who has been on the receiving end of some pretty horrid infidelity and I would never dream of acting so immaturely and cruelly towards someone I'm with. Just because you've had past hurt DOES NOT excuse intentionally hurting others.

 

 

Be very careful once you see someone's capacity to intentionally hurt you right before your eyes. This shows they will respond to relationship problems with outright cruelty and lack of empathy for you. Very toxic and potentially soul destroying for you, particularly given you're now dipping your feet back into vulnerable waters after being hurt in the past.

 

 

It's so ****ty when you can't even sleep well because of anxieties of a relationship, please take care of yourself, you sound like a very nice and grounded individual, I truly think you deserve better and there WILL BE women that will make easing yourself back into a committed relationship feel safe, you need one of those!

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TunaInTheBrine
I just wanted to chime and say that I have to agree with the other posters, as much as this situation truly sucks for you, especially as you probably wanted to believe you had finally found someone to have a LTR with :(

 

 

One thing I really didn't like is how her response to you asking about her messaging was to intentionally hurt you. I'm a thirty year old woman who has been on the receiving end of some pretty horrid infidelity and I would never dream of acting so immaturely and cruelly towards someone I'm with. Just because you've had past hurt DOES NOT excuse intentionally hurting others.

 

 

Be very careful once you see someone's capacity to intentionally hurt you right before your eyes. This shows they will respond to relationship problems with outright cruelty and lack of empathy for you. Very toxic and potentially soul destroying for you, particularly given you're now dipping your feet back into vulnerable waters after being hurt in the past.

 

 

It's so ****ty when you can't even sleep well because of anxieties of a relationship, please take care of yourself, you sound like a very nice and grounded individual, I truly think you deserve better and there WILL BE women that will make easing yourself back into a committed relationship feel safe, you need one of those!

 

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this.

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TunaInTheBrine

Just an update...

 

I did break up with her. I was pretty firm, but mature, and made it more of a "these are signs we're not meant for each other, and let's do it right and end it now" talk than a bitter discussion.

 

She said she was shocked and seemed a little upset, but didn't seem too empathic, though she did say she was hoping we would work things out.

 

Just a couple of questions...

 

1. Did I really do the right thing? Even though objectively I know her behaviors were pretty concerning, I do like a lot about her and I'm feeling pretty bummed about being single again after finding what I thought was a good fit for an LTR. I do believe she really does like me, but I also really believe that her focus is more on money and getting what she wants first, rather than on the mutuality of the connection in the relationship.

 

2. She changed her relationship status online and deleted all pictures of us from facebook and social media, but she has not unfriended me from any sites and hasn't reinstated her online dating profile yet. Why?

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1. You did the right thing. A relationship shouldn't be this much difficult. Yes, sometimes it feels good, but you need to be clear what your dealbreakers are and stick with it. Just learn your lesson, move on and find someone who matches you better.

 

2. People handle breakups differently, so who knows why she still left you as a friend. I'm still friends with a few of my exes. Maybe she sees you as a potential friend in the future.

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