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What to do about my commitment phobic guy?


Ariel80

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Okay I am soo confused about the guy in my life. We've been involved for over 2 years. He is someone I truly an in love with, however I know he is somewhat gun shy. He seems to take 3 steps forward with me and two steps back. He tells me he cares about me and that nothing I did would ever make him change his mind about it. I mean, Man I even found out a while back that I had contracted Herpes from a guy the previous summer. When I told him about it, right away, he was soo cool with it, and decided it didn't bother him, so nothing changed sexually for us. The way he reacted to something that was scary for me, really helped me ease my fears. He got tested and was negative, but still pursues me and we are sexually active with each other. So I know that he does care, but he can't seem to move forward at all. He got cheated on once by a fiance, and I think that made him a little committment phobic. Sometimes he is sooo great to me, other times, he can act completely nonchalant about me. I just don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it, and all he says is that he is scared because he put 100% into one relationship only to have it crumble. But that was like years ago so why isn't he over that? I don't want to put pressure on him, since I know that can make a guy bolt, so I usually just end up not saying anything. I soo wish we could work this out. Everybody is hoping he ends up with me. I just want for him to let me love him. I would never suffocate him or anything, I'm not like that. How am I supposed to get him to see the light?

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Skullcrusher

Dunno about the guy but I'll tell you about myself:

 

I would never commit or even get sexually involved with a genital herpes girl.

 

I'd never commit 100% if she didn't reach 5/6 of my guidelines of a good partner:

 

1. sexual compatibility

2. good conversation

3. reliability

4. considerable

5. inclusive

6. stable

 

very simple to ask.

 

4/6 = I tolerate the woman

3/6 = I fake it

2/6 = Friends with Benefits

 

A woman can proudly exclaim she fakes her orgasm. But a man can fake an entire relationship.

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Here's what I think.

 

-You think you can't do any better because you have herpes.

-You accept less than you are worth.

 

-He's hanging out with you because he likes you.

-He doesn't love you as much as you love him.

-He doesn't love you enough to commit. (Which is what you want.)

 

How am I supposed to get him to see the light?

 

You can't.

 

You can't change people. You can't make them love you.

 

he says is that he is scared because he put 100% into one relationship only to have it crumble.

 

Wah. I'm crying. What an excuse.

 

other times, he can act completely nonchalant about me.

 

:(

 

 

Hey, I am not saying he is a bad guy. He is confused about his feelings because he DOES like you. however he does not love you ENOUGH. not as much as you deserve.

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If you're talking about it, it means that it bothers you. Don't concentrate on it.

 

Move on with your life and see what place he actually has in it. How can I put it otherwise? When you have enough, you'll do something drastic, like either leave him for another guy or marry him.

 

Do you honestely think there is something you can do right now to make him get out of the place he's in? Thought so.

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yeah you all are right, I do just need to forget about him. And maybe alot of it is because of what I found out about the herpes, it was quite shocking for me, I haven't been with many guys, and I was pretty misinformed about the whole thing myself until I got educated. Its a non-issue now, but maybe the reason I was holding on to him, is because he accepted it completely and really eased my fears about the whole thing and told me he still cared about me and thought I was gorgeous anyways and we continued having sex. And I guess maybe I'm a little scared someone else won't accept it as easily. Herpes aside, I've loved this guy for so long so its hard to let go. But that is not going to keep me with him if he's just gonna play with my head. I won't let a dumb skin virus that hasn't given me any problems in 5 months keep me from finding happiness with a guy that really loves me. Guess I'll just move on and see what happens. Thanks for the advice.

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yeah i agree about the whole getting burned from the past line.. that's just a lame and tired excuse to not be committed to somebody.

 

how old is he? what's his financial situation? these are some factors you need to think about. most guys wouldn't want to jump into the next level of commitment unless they're financially stable.

 

and yeah, you cannot make somebody love you if they don't.

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He is 27, graduated from college, works full-time at a good job, but he did struggle alittle after college and got into some debt. I know his financial situation is not the best and there is times when he is broke. That's exactly what my friend told me too...if a guy doesn't have all their **** straight, they don't want to get involved with somebody else. And especially not someone like me, who's finances are in order. He's a big talker, talks about all the stuff he wants to do, but never follows through. Everything about him screams committment phobia. He hasn't had a girlfriend since he was 22. And after that, no substantial relationships. It even rubs off on his own friends, it's always "maybe I'll be there", or he just won't show up at all. His own guy friends will bitch about the way he is sometimes. He's got good points, but some bad points too.

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Sounds like my situation in reverse. It's confusing when they act so accepting and loving, but then there is no follow through. Just resistance and kind of a steady state of irresponsibility. I'm not glad that you're suffering, but it does give me comfort to know I'm not the only one.

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committment phobia is a myth.

 

a myth perpetuated by guys who want to string girls along while they wait for Mrs. Right.

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Actually it is a true phobia. I studied it in Abnormal Psych. Women can have it too, and I know I do! But other biological factors will calm that, biological factors that men don't have. I just read a book written by a man, for women about it. It has the same symptoms of other phobias, panic, a feeling of suffocation. My last relationship was like that...a guy wanted me to commit totally and I just couldn't do it, I couldn't see myself with him forever and when I thought about it, I would literally feel like I was gonna smother. But I was too scared to leave and too scared to go, I couldn't make a decision about anything. Afraid if I left I would regret it and if I stayed I would regret it. It was all so confusing. Not saying that it is indeed his problem...but sure sounds like it. This guy does care about me, his own friends say that he cares about me alot, but that he is clueless about what to do. Problem is, this is the kind of guy that hasn't cared alot about anything. He never flips out, never loses his temper, nothing EVER gets to him, except that last relationship. When his friends tell me about it, they said it was pretty bad. He got cheated on by his fiance. After that he had a 'screw everybody else" attitude. I do know, from observation and what others have said that he does have major trust issues. And in the past he would be the first to hurt someone, just so they didn't hurt him first. But anyways, I know, caring for somebody is totally different than loving them. I just wish there was some way I could ease his fears. I am by no means a clingly person, I love my independence, and I would never try to encroach on his.

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My last relationship was like that...a guy wanted me to commit totally and I just couldn't do it

 

It seems your committment phobia is relationship specific, because you apparently don't feel it now with your new bf.

 

Your bf will be miraculously "cured" when he meets the woman he wants to marry.

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True, it is relationship specific. And I've caught myself doing it with every other guy I've ever been interested in, and I will bolt. But not with him. Sucks. Becuase he's the only guy I've ever been really interested in, I'm sooo picky, and I'm scared I'll get stuck with some guy that just doesn't do it for me like he does. Oh well...I'll just have to chalk it up to having my heart broken for the first time, and move on...

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But not with him. Sucks. Becuase he's the only guy I've ever been really interested in,

 

How interesting.

 

You were cured of your committment phobia when you dated someone you were really interested in..... hmmmm...

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