Jump to content

Relationship Fading, Challenging Life Priorities


Jammer25

Recommended Posts

So my GF and I are coming up on 1 year, but in recent months a lot has gone down to change circumstances around us.

 

I got a new job a few months ago, and my commute takes me in the opposite direction of where she lives. Hence, it can be hard for me to see her on weekdays. Most days it's 60-90 minutes back home, and she lives an extra 30 minutes from me after that.

 

Her job put her on leave while investigating a financial matter, for something I know she didn't do. She rents a room from friends who are the homeowners, but they are implicitly wanting her to move out in the near future, maybe within the year. (Which I understand, it's their home and they probably want their space and privacy back.) She's lived there a handful of years.

 

She's had a hard time dealing with the implications of being put on leave and how people at work questioned her character. I told her there's no going back to that job after they put you on leave after that, so I've been helping her look for and apply to jobs. Also I've helped her with working out to keep fit and use that as a sort of distraction.

 

I know it's a hard time for her, but it's making me realize a lot of things about her that I don't know if I can live with. She's gained some weight, and as long as I've known her hasn't exactly been one to focus on healthy eating, fitness and financial stability.

 

Even for everything I've tried to help her with in terms of eating healthier, exercising more and figuring out what kind of professions/jobs she wants to get into...I just don't feel like she has much of that drive in her internally. With wanting to do well at my new job and all the changes that brings, it's been challenging for me to help her grow while also focusing on myself and my new career.

 

And I'm not gonna lie, my physical attraction for her has declined.

 

I haven't really talked to her about it, and don't know if I want to pile that burden on her while I figure it out in my own head. I also don't want to be an ass and not support her, but I've been stressed too with everything going on in my life. (She recently said that she feels I'm the only constant thing in her life right now, which scared me.) New job, and together with my family just bought our first investment rental property.

 

Learning all that goes into that, as well as running my own home business...I'm starting to doubt if I love my GF enough to prioritize her in my life.

 

Anyone who has gone through similar experiences, I'd love to hear what your thought process was through it all. How you approached it, how you dealt with it, the aftermath. (If willing to share, of course.)

 

Thanks all, in advance.

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

i feel you should be honest with her and tell her how you feel .....even though she told you you were her only constant...you really aren't that constant for her are you? your attraction is really on condition not constant at all and she has no idea of that.....

 

maybe with your new job and investment property you need to find a woman who is closer to your type...more like your ideal woman..........\with drive and fitness and healthy eating plans herself so you dont feel encumbered by the having to motivate someone who might not have your drive at this particular point in her life ...sounds like she is struggling........i feel for her....

 

letting this lady go ...would be the kindest thing you could do.....you are not responsible for her...and she really needs to be with someone who is her constant..who will support her.....i am sure she would be a supportive person herself when things weren't so tough for her..........going through rough times sounds pretty harsh what she is going through ..would push anyone's drive to low and be hard trekkin on those sand dunes........

 

so jump ship.....she needs a guy who sees her trying and respects that..not a guy with a flailing attraction based on her gaining some weight probably due to the fact that her motivation is really low being accused of things she didnt do, put off work having to move home find a job ...

 

 

make it one more thing and let her go.......poor girl.....you are nowhere near constant are you?

 

scares you crapless.......its just the way you are..you arent up for it........im not blaming you..you need soemonen who has a set life set routine and is fit, who eats what you eat with out havign to pushed to eat it.... with no drama on the horizon...........you should however be upfront with your soon to be ex.... let her be closer to being with a guy who appreciates her good and bad times can handle drama and set backs........and you can be closer to finding someone who fits in with your lifes plan............good luck with your ventures...and i wish nothing but the best for her.......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

First, I want to say that I'm sorry that you feel that your attraction is declining for her. However, I do want to say that when I read your post, I noticed that you've seemed to already pick up on those things BEFORE she was put on leave.

 

and as long as I've known her hasn't exactly been one to focus on healthy eating, fitness and financial stability.

 

In a sense, I kind of got the picture that your feelings have been declining maybe even before she was put on leave. Yes, her situation is tough. I don't know the full story so I can't say whether or whether not she's at fault. I do think that she's in a rough spot and she does see you as a beacon.

 

The real problem here though is that while she sees you as her beacon of light, you're starting to see all the flaws because you're forced to be away from her for so long. Now instead of seeing her, happy, lively, and constantly being around each other. You're the one essentially taking care of her. It's nice that you're helping her apply for jobs, but don't involve yourself so much that she NEEDS to use you as a crutch. You're her boyfriend not her provider. She has to work to meet her needs too. Don't be afraid to let her know that she's letting herself go a bit. Pull back just enough to make her realize that she's got to be an adult and fend for herself. You're not a super hero!

 

Her friends have probably noticed this about her too which is why they have such a deadline for her to move out by because they don't want her to overstay her welcome. From what I can tell, your life is moving and her life has come to a stand still. You're moving in two separate directions. I'm not really sure that her losing weight and finding a stable job is going to be enough to really save your relationship unless that's truly the only things bothering you. You sound ready to end it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Jammer25 ~ In a way I think it's good that you get to see this side of her, so you can see how she deals with life's challenges. Some people address their issues swiftly yet some swim in self pity with no intention of getting out of there. I don't know how hard she is trying but if I was with someone who dragged their feet and didn't try, I would lose interest, attraction and respect rapidly.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

it's been challenging for me to help her grow while also focusing on myself and my new career.

 

I find this so condescending toward your GF. To help her grow? is this a girlfriend or a child we're talking about? This tells me you were not happy with several aspects of her already when you started dating. If you feel she needs to grow and she needs help to grow - you then definitely see her as beneath you.

 

Now that the sh$t has hit the fan you don't have the love needed to support her through this tough time. You never really loved her.

 

Set this poor girl free to find herself a man that will love her and support her through thick and thin because it's not you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like your heart wasn't in this relationship from the beginning. If you're that committed to someone, then you would support them regardless, even if they have the audacity to put on weight :)

 

You are obviously not compatible so I would move on and find someone who matches up to your standards and leave this girl to figure her life out on her own.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I figured people would latch on to the "weight gain" part and make blind assumptions/criticisms...

 

so jump ship.....she needs a guy who sees her trying and respects that..not a guy with a flailing attraction based on her gaining some weight probably due to the fact that her motivation is really low being accused of things she didnt do, put off work having to move home find a job ...

 

scares you crapless.......its just the way you are..you arent up for it........im not blaming you..

 

Sure sounds like I'm taking the brunt of the blame from your post, if passively aggressively. For me it was partly the weight gain in combination with other changes and factors that happened and progressed over several months despite my efforts. This was not a "the light switch suddenly turned off" moment that I decided to post about.

 

But yes, at the end of the day and at this stage I don't feel like I want to be her constant.

 

First, I want to say that I'm sorry that you feel that your attraction is declining for her. However, I do want to say that when I read your post, I noticed that you've seemed to already pick up on those things BEFORE she was put on leave.

 

You're the one essentially taking care of her. It's nice that you're helping her apply for jobs, but don't involve yourself so much that she NEEDS to use you as a crutch. You're her boyfriend not her provider. She has to work to meet her needs too. Don't be afraid to let her know that she's letting herself go a bit.

 

You're moving in two separate directions. I'm not really sure that her losing weight and finding a stable job is going to be enough to really save your relationship unless that's truly the only things bothering you. You sound ready to end it.

 

I would agree. I didn't question my attraction or anything at all, before several months of little if any growth in her resulted from my efforts to support and help her.

 

I've thought about this a lot and considering a lot of things, her habits, her mentality, etc. that have been dragging on for several months and not particularly improving.

 

@Jammer25 ~ In a way I think it's good that you get to see this side of her, so you can see how she deals with life's challenges. Some people address their issues swiftly yet some swim in self pity with no intention of getting out of there. I don't know how hard she is trying but if I was with someone who dragged their feet and didn't try, I would lose interest, attraction and respect rapidly.

 

Thank you for understanding. Again, I agree with other posters that I feel like I'm not willing to be her constant any more. There came a point, I'm not exactly sure when, when not seeing any positive results from my efforts weighed on me and my hold on the relationship.

 

it's been challenging for me to help her grow while also focusing on myself and my new career.

 

I find this so condescending toward your GF. To help her grow? is this a girlfriend or a child we're talking about? This tells me you were not happy with several aspects of her already when you started dating. If you feel she needs to grow and she needs help to grow - you then definitely see her as beneath you.

 

This makes no sense to me at all. Helping each other "grow" should be a major tenet of any good relationship, whatever that may look like for those involved.

 

And again with the assumptions. The factors I discuss in my OP were not present when we started dating, only for the last 4-5 months or so. And again, despite my efforts I haven't seen much growth or willingness to grow. And if in your view that means I'm not committed enough or love her enough, it appears that would be true in my case then.

 

It sounds like your heart wasn't in this relationship from the beginning. If you're that committed to someone, then you would support them regardless, even if they have the audacity to put on weight :)

 

You are obviously not compatible so I would move on and find someone who matches up to your standards and leave this girl to figure her life out on her own.

 

For me the weight is an indication of a larger difference in lifestyle and mentality between us. It was not the weight alone that has made me come to feel this way, again this was going on for several months before I started feeling unhelpful to her. It's the lack of growth in her habits and practices that has chipped away at my stance.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This makes no sense to me at all. Helping each other "grow" should be a major tenet of any good relationship, whatever that may look like for those involved.

 

And again with the assumptions. The factors I discuss in my OP were not present when we started dating, only for the last 4-5 months or so. And again, despite my efforts I haven't seen much growth or willingness to grow. And if in your view that means I'm not committed enough or love her enough, it appears that would be true in my case then.

 

You do not 'help' someone grow. As adults you support each other while growing. You do your own growing. A growing cannot be expedited by a third party. You referred to her growing as something you need to participate to, as something that requires your time and efforts. If you feel that way then you are not in a mature-adult-relationship, you are in a parent-child relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue
I figured people would latch on to the "weight gain" part and make blind assumptions/criticisms...

 

 

 

Sure sounds like I'm taking the brunt of the blame from your post, if passively aggressively. For me it was partly the weight gain in combination with other changes and factors that happened and progressed over several months despite my efforts. This was not a "the light switch suddenly turned off" moment that I decided to post about.

 

But yes, at the end of the day and at this stage I don't feel like I want to be her constant.

 

 

 

i figured that you would take this line, when i wrote with honesty my thoughts, that is why i put in, i am not blaming you.it wasnt passive agressive at all it was neutral and honest....even though i am neutral i am still a woman .a sensitive one...empathetic actually......and i felt a bit stung i guess ...by issues of weight determining your attraction to her...i felt for her...........might be harsh and you feel like blame is on you...the truth is.....you cant help your attraction level..it is flailing...no matter what you try it isnt going to come back.......you just arent suited to someone who puts on weight ...the word flail......means to keep trying but fail.....that's the meaning of the word.....doesnt mean a light switch it means to fail over time...you are quick to jump on my thoughts......without really understanding what i wrote.....and then you go into defense mode.....

 

it follows suit then that you write to gaeta who was also honest in her reply that what she writes doesnt make "no sense" ...i understood what she wrote completely.......honest feedback .....is honest ...even if you dont like what is said....

 

in my opinion you are harsh with the woman you are with so my reply was blunt and honest and thats it....no blame....you arent a match for this woman because of the way you view her.....you cant take anyone who has a less than favorable view of you you only thank people for replies that are to your line of thinking.....

 

i have to say this.....try to be empathetic to the woman you have to dump....see her side ....listen to her....i feel you might have some reall softness in you that doesnt like to be in this postiion of being a dumper......... because you didnt just callously dump her you sought advice on here..you have heart...use it....thats my validation to you..........be gentle when you break up with her...and dont be condescending to her....you arent right for each other.....its pretty plain to see...... i wished you good luck .......and i meant that too....i also do really wish the best for her......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...