Why do exes make contact when they do?

[Jj66]

So, I had some high drama with my gf this past week described in another thread. TLDR: she "broke up" with me Wednesday night and then asked me to take her back Thursday morning. I accepted her apology and took her back.

 

Anyway, I went to see her Thursday night after her student conferences. While I was on the drive down I got a text from a former lover I hadn't heard from in awhile. This was a clear an offer of sex. It was only ever about sex for us. I deleted the text and didn't respond.

 

 

Now today I get another text from a different woman that I hadn't heard from in a long time. We had a good connection back when I decided I needed to pull back and concentrate on just one person, that one being my current gf. I had nothing against her, she was fantastic but I couldn't continue seeing both of them.

 

Hey Jj, how are you? Hope you are doing well. Would you like to have a drink together sometime? -Emily

 

This particular message from Emily makes my head spin. I don't believe in fate or anything supernatural. But still it's almost like the universe is teasing me with a chance to change the choice I made last year. It's almost like I am being tested to see how much I really love my girlfriend.

 

What gives with the timing? There is no way I know for either of them to know about our relationship troubles since they are not in either of our circles of friends and even our circle of friends is not aware of the temporary breakup. A random coincidence?

 

Anybody else experienced similar freaky timing with exes attempting to reestablish contact?

Edited February 18, 2017 by Jj66

[planb1973]

I have been wondering if it only happened to me!

 

Just last week I called things off with a woman I had been dating for a few months and out of nowhere an ex I hadn't spoke with in 2 years called the next day wanting to reconnect.

 

The best was a couple of years ago I had to break up up with someone, which was a hard one for I broke her heart, on the way home an ex from a year before called to say she had made a mistake breaking up with me and wanted to know if I was single and would consider giving things another try.

 

There does seem to be some vibration that goes out when things are not working in your relationship.

 

WEIRD!!!

[Sweetfish]

Its almost like they know internally you have completely moved on.. The point of no return lol

[OnlyHonesty]

They contact you because going back is often easier than going forward. They want an easy option, want the ease that familiar ground and history provides, they may be running out of other options or bored.

 

It's much easier to text an ex than to put the effort in to meet a new person.

 

The more important point is that none of it matters. They are an ex for a reason and should remain in the past where they belong.

 

Our ego is what makes us entertain such communication, or wonder about the reasons why they contacted us, but almost all of the time, the reasons will be nothing to do with us, but them.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree with OnlyHonest. Exes find it easier to contact someone familiar than unfamiliar. Some feel desperate and at a loss, so they contact someone they may now regret having dumped or screwed up with. The dumper, especially, who now regrets having made the misake of moving on and has been hapless in the relationship world.

 

The other reason? They are vindictive, cruel and/or selfish.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Around this time of year (Valentine's Day) can make some people feel a bit lonely and desire some romance over the upcoming weekend. Like others have suggested, it is easier to go back to an old reliable and familiar ex for comfort than someone new. This is just one explanation.

 

Another explanation is that the universe is sending you multiple signs that there are other options out there, and because of your current situation in your relationship, you may feel particularly sensitive to any sign that might suggest this woman may not be the right person for you.

 

Just a thought.

[Jj66]

Around this time of year (Valentine's Day) can make some people feel a bit lonely and desire some romance over the upcoming weekend. Like others have suggested, it is easier to go back to an old reliable and familiar ex for comfort than someone new. This is just one explanation.

 

Another explanation is that the universe is sending you multiple signs that there are other options out there, and because of your current situation in your relationship, you may feel particularly sensitive to any sign that might suggest this woman may not be the right person for you.

 

Just a thought.

 

Of course. Valentine's Day. I hadn't even thought about that.

 

They contacted me because of Velentine's Day and it has nothing to do with what's going on in my life.

 

This is consistent with my beliefs. My head is no longer spinning and all is right with the world again. Lol.

[Joga_31]

They want to see if you moved on or they have a slight interest in you still and want to rekindle old flames. I dont believe in an ex being a friend. Or at least it should not be a person you contact if you are in a relationship.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Its almost like they know internally you have completely moved on.. The point of no return lol

 

I can definitely agree! Though this guy wasn't my ex, I had just started investing my feelings, he ended up fading on me and really cut me off meanly. As soon as I started getting serious w/another guy (now my ex), he messaged me out the blue regretting what he had done, this was 3 months later. They always seem to come crawling back at a time when you no longer want them lol. Funny thing is, if he had done that 2 or 3 weeks after fading, I prob would have taken him back.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Of course. Valentine's Day. I hadn't even thought about that.

 

They contacted me because of Velentine's Day and it has nothing to do with what's going on in my life.

 

This is consistent with my beliefs. My head is no longer spinning and all is right with the world again. Lol.

 

I'm sorry, I feel like I ruined it for you. It's still only a guess, but it could explain the timing.

[Jj66]

I'm sorry' date=' I feel like I ruined it for you. It's still only a guess, but it could explain the timing.[/quote']

 

 

 

The likelihood two exes would contact me within three days of a breakup they had no way of knowing about was vanishingly small.

 

The likelihood two might contact me around Valentine's Day is substantially higher.

 

Applying Occam's razor it's almost certain it's just Valentin's Day and all the normal reasons an ex might look you up around that time.

[Dis]

I agree that exs usually swing back around when they have no other options and dont feel like starting something brand new...or maybe they regret things ending and want to give it another shot

 

But I also feel like this is a sign, like you said. I think the universe or whatever God you believe in is telling you something

 

I think its telling you there are plenty of fish in the sea...no need to settle on something or someone thats causing you pain or strife

 

Tbh, I dont like the way your gf has treated you. I think the relationships isnt going to end well. You sound so sweet and caring, you deserve someone who shows you the same love whether shes in your presence or not. But I do respect your decision to work on things

 

I hope that whatever happens, you end up with someone who makes you feel truly happy and loved

[Dis]

There are no such things as coincidences

[Better]

It happens. I was in this situation recently, but much more casually. None of them involved sex. I was dating a woman who kind of faded on me, claiming she didn't want a relationship, so I moved on. Afterwards, I met and started dating another who also faded on me, so I moved on again. I then met my current girlfriend and things are going well. I was never multi-dating as it isn't my style, but both of the previous women came back and wanted to try again. I have no idea what their motivation was and didn't even consider going back, but it does happen from time to time.

[CptInsano]

[...]

Applying Occam's razor it's almost certain it's just Valentin's Day and all the normal reasons an ex might look you up around that time.

 

Yep, I had the same thing happen to me this year. (Why is she texting me all out of a sudden?) It took me another day and a look at the calendar to figure it out.

[leogirl876]

They're probably bored & lonely and wanting easy male attention. They're probably also making sure you haven't moved on. I don't do that, when I break up with a guy, I move on, they're an ex for a reason.

[NoCompass]

There are no such things as coincidences

 

Like my ex searching for me on a Valentine's day, despite having a new guy. Tsk tsk tsk. I found out that girls, single or not, stalk you on various social media and check-in (to keep you in the harem) at 'convenient' times. Ignoring those re-touch attempts = Priceless!

[Tribble]

Do you have either of these girls on Facebook? I remember you mentioning something about you current gfs activity on there when you were 'broken up'. Indicative comments and a change of relationship status might cause these girls to enquire some.

[Jj66]

Do you have either of these girls on Facebook? I remember you mentioning something about you current gfs activity on there when you were 'broken up'. Indicative comments and a change of relationship status might cause these girls to enquire some.

 

First thing I wondered about was Facebook but neither is connected on Facebook and never has been. Relationship status was never "public". It was friends only. They would not have been able to see it even if they looked during the right window.

 

The Facebook activity started after midnight on Wednesday and was "corrected" within 8-10 hours. There was no announcement and none of our actual friends seemed to have noticed.

[Belle23]

I reached out to an ex male friend recently. We never dated but I liked him and we had a big falling out over it. I reached out after years of not speaking. Why? Mainly because I was through a rough patch in my life and is one of the only people who would know what I was going through and that could relate. A part of me wanted to know what was going on with his life. I would've been fine had his not taken my call. Me reaching out was not so much about being bored or getting closure or any of that.

[Gaeta]

For someone to inherit the title of EX you need to have been in an exclusive relationship with them. This does not apply to this woman, she is not an ex. She is a woman you briefly went out with then terminated it to officially date your current girlfriend. You and her have no history together. This cannot be compared to a real EX contacting you.

 

I don't believe this it's easier to contact you than to find someone new. Life and human beings have more nuances than this. I did contact a man after a year, someone I had a couple of dates with and decided to not pursue so I could be with another man. All through the year I wondered if I had made the right choice and I was left with a lot of 'what ifs'. I did not contact him because it's easy, I contacted him because he had remained 'special' to me and I had nothing to lose. The worse that could happen was him telling me 'no'.

 

So I contacted him and we ended up dating a few months.

 

JJ: You are not married, you are dating and dating is about finding a suitable partner. Your happiness and your future is more important than sticking to one GF just cause it's the thing to do. If there is a small part in you wondering about this lady from your past than go meet over a coffee.

 

This woman contacted you because you remained special to her and she is filled with 'what ifs'.

[Jj66]

It was 30 years ago when I was 20 that I last reached out to an ex. The reason I reached out was because she gave really good oral sex and I missed it. My last gf didn't like doing it at all- maybe 3 times in a year. Thankfully my ex said she wasn't interested in getting back together at that time. She ended up going to prison for embezzlement, check forgery, and some other financial crimes a few years later. A few months after the rejection I met the woman who would later become my wife.

 

The timing was because I was moving back to the area for the summer and had recently broken up with someone.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Jj66

[Gaeta]

It was 30 years ago when I was 20 that I last reached out to an ex. The reason I reached out was because she gave really good oral sex and I missed it. My last gf didn't like doing it at all- maybe 3 times in a year. Thankfully my ex said she wasn't interested in getting back together at that time. She ended up going to prison for embezzlement, check forgery, and some other financial crimes a few years later. A few months after the rejection I met the woman who would later become my wife.

 

The timing was because I was moving back to the area for the summer and had recently broken up with someone.

 

I am sure your reasoning and your motivation changed a lot since you were 20.

[Jj66]

For someone to inherit the title of EX you need to have been in an exclusive relationship with them. This does not apply to this woman, she is not an ex. She is a woman you briefly went out with then terminated it to officially date your current girlfriend. You and her have no history together. This cannot be compared to a real EX contacting you.

 

I don't believe this it's easier to contact you than to find someone new. Life and human beings have more nuances than this. I did contact a man after a year, someone I had a couple of dates with and decided to not pursue so I could be with another man. All through the year I wondered if I had made the right choice and I was left with a lot of 'what ifs'. I did not contact him because it's easy, I contacted him because he had remained 'special' to me and I had nothing to lose. The worse that could happen was him telling me 'no'.

 

So I contacted him and we ended up dating a few months.

 

JJ: You are not married, you are dating and dating is about finding a suitable partner. Your happiness and your future is more important than sticking to one GF just cause it's the thing to do. If there is a small part in you wondering about this lady from your past than go meet over a coffee.

 

This woman contacted you because you remained special to her and she is filled with 'what ifs'.

 

You are right that the woman who asked me if I wanted to meet for a drink isn't exactly an ex. We were never exclusively dating and we're quite open aboit it. She just came out and asked me how many other women I was seeing. I was seeing two others at that time although one was on the way out. She was seeing one other man regularly. My current gf was one of the two.

 

What we had was quite casual but had become physical. We never communicated between dates but our dates were long with deep conversation. I could tell we were becoming close.

 

The thing is, I was also getting close to my gf. There really wasn't a way to develop a deep connection with two women so I had to make a choice. Would I go with the outgoing exciting American that I had incredible chemistry with. Or would I go with the intriguing and introverted French woman? I would never find her as exciting as my gf but I was almost sure the connection would become very deep.

 

I chose my American gf of course. I stopped asking the French woman out. When she contacted me to arrange something I told her I was going to have to stop seeing her. She said was disappointed because she thought we had an important (meaning big in French) connection. She said she was still interested in meeting me "as a friend" she proposed a time and place and I agreed to meet her. On the day of the meeting I was sick and had to cancel. Really. I wasn't just making an excuse which she probably assumed I was. Fast forward some months and she sent me a happy thanksgiving and I wished her one in turn. No conversation.

 

Then there was this text asking if I would like to meet for a drink.

 

I know I am not married, but I am now in an exclusive relationship. Because of our sexual history I decided it was inappropriate to meet her.

 

But I have wondered if I should reply and what I should say. What we had, though casual in style, was not devoid of meaning so I feel I owe her a reply. Yet I'm also fearful of reopening contact since I want to honor my commitment to my girlfriend.

[Gaeta]

Then be open and honest. Tell her you are in a serious relationship now and find it innapropriate to reconnect with her because of your history together. Wish her the best.