What do you make of this? *its long* Is it me?

[james377]

Hey Ladies and Gents.

 

I am 34, been in some interesting relationships. And could probably write my own book about some of the stuff I have dealt with and heard said. But maybe I will save them for another time to talk about.

 

For the past 7 months I have been dating a girl. Really nice, everything was perfect. (compared to previous relationship) and I genuinely thought that I have found the one. Awesome.

 

There were a few little niggly things, but any relationship has that.. But these were things that I thought could be small seeds, that may grow into big oak trees. Namely her relationship with her Mother.

Now, I am not saying that I have a problem with her being close to her mum. This was more, I had a problem how her mum treated her, and how my GF lets it happen.

 

A few eg:

1, If we went out one night to eat, show, cinema. and my GF wasn't back home by a certain time that suited her mum, Her mum would genuinely, unashamebly not talk to her for WEEKS! because of no reason given, just the assumption by my GF it must be because I didn't let her know I was out or I was with you (she is 31 and a manager at an international company)

 

2, When she got head hunted early on in our relationship for this job she now has. They had told her that they were only in the UK for a set 4 days, and that's when the interviews would be taking place.

That same week, GF and Mum were going to Edinborough for the week. This meant that they would need to come home on the wednesday instead of the thursday. So they lost a day. The trip wasn't paid for or even booked yet.

My GF was seriously considering just going "oh well, maybe something else will come up, it wasn't meant to be" all because she didn't want to upset her mum.

Her Mum, knowing the genuine reason as to why, and what it meant. Did not talk to her about it, and when she finally did, told my GF, She owed her for this.. Not in a jokey way.

 

So they were my only reservations on the relationship. And I fast forwarded in my mind as we all do, well, when we are living together, this won't be an issue and I won't have to listen or deal with this. I'm in a relationship with the daughter not the mum.

 

Things were going great, It was hollywood movie type stuff, holidays, weekends away, shows.. everything, we were 100% soul mates and best friends. We never argued, we compromised on things we didn't agree with, having a relationship with her was a pleasure, not a chore.

Until I decided that I wanted a career change.

Some of it was a little friendly jealousy of her new job. And some of it was the realization that I was in my 30's and although I had my own business, I wasn't enjoying it and knew it wasn't for ever. But what ever it was, I knew it was time to change thing, so I needed to make moves there and then to address it.

 

This is where problems with us started.

 

In mid November I started an interview process for a company, and by the end of November they offered me the job. And I took it. The catch was, It was a January start date. So I had about 6 weeks until I started.

Historically the business I run, was very quite in December, and added with my own dislike towards doing it, and in my head i'd clocked out. I spent december doing nothing, and spent my savings on bills, xmas gifts and other bits.

 

I started a new job in January. And I made a huge financial mistake.

The job was in the City, and the wage was low. I had fallen into a fantasy about working in London and nothing else mattered.

When I started I realized that the job wasn't quite what I was sold. And financially, I would struggle for over a year, with the cost of commuting and my bills ect. The dream and her and I moving in together this year, was not going to happen. Let alone me having any spare funds to do thing's like Holidays, my hobbies, weekends away. It just didn't make sense.

 

After a week in the job, I decided that in my mind I was finished here, I knew I wasn't going to stay, but I was getting up at 5am every morning to go to this job for a wage that was going to leave me with no money to enjoy the hard work that I had done. I'd essentially be working to pay to go to work and pay bills.

With the month of December leaving me with no savings. I had to use my credit card to pay for my travel card. which for the week was £130, Plus I needed to buy a new suit, shirts and ties. (my other job was a manual job, I didn't need these items for years)

I would have had to have done the same the following week, and the payday wasn't for another 4 weeks. So I Would have been borrowing money, to have gone to work, just to pay back the money I borrowed to go to work.

 

So I spoke with her about this, and how I was going to quit. And get something else. But put more thought into it and not make this sam mistake.

 

She went absolutely insane. The only comparrisson I thought of, is if someone was to walk into your house, and kick a puppy across a room and how someone would react to that act and then the person who did it. Her reaction was on the level, she was SO ANGRY, and disgusted in me.

 

Her reasons were because I ruined her plans. About moving in. And me not having a job ruins this.

I explained to her that me having this job simply stops us moving in together, because I can't and wont afford it.

But she would not listen to reason. And she just would not talk to me at all without her getting angry.

 

Now, I have to make this clear. She isn't being angry like you would be if you lost your wallet with your wages in it.

She is being angry like she has just walked in on me with her sister, her best mate, her cousin and my exes all in the same bed. She was that level of anger.

 

I am no mug, and her level of anger didn't fit the "problem" So I knew there was a bigger issue at hand. however, she never admitted to it and always maintained that is was the reasons that she said. which I had explained are all the reasons as to why I can't stay at the job.

 

I decided to say to her after about 2 weeks of non stop arguments, where we couldn't even have a conversation, without her talking about my job search situation, and then getting so angry about it and having an argument with me. That we should just stop talking, until I find a job. Because we are unable to have a conversation without you getting really pissed. For simply no reason that makes sense to what you say the reasons are.

 

She then kept silent, she didn't call, txt nothing.. She is stubburn, so am I . I think that's maybe why we get on.. So I knew she wouldn't want to be the first to message. And it was my suggestion to not contact her until I got a job, so I wasn't going to either.

 

The next evening, over 24 hours later. She messaged me and said, "I think the past day says a lot about us" and I agreed. I was ready to leave this mess and just concentrate on my career and this relationship, somehow turned into a **** storm over a job.

 

We ended up going back and too all night on txt. And she just wouldn't compromise or at least understand my side of why I left the job. She would not agree to disagree, she couldnt and wouldn't have it. So I decided to finish it for good. I had enough and I couldn't be with someone who got so angry over something which happens to people everyday. They quit a job.

 

We are not living together, and wasn't planning on it until Oct 2017 earliest, 10 months from when all this happened. We didn't have any holidays planned or need paying for, we have no shared payments on anything. I moved back in with my parents after a previous relationship, so it wasnt as though she was worried I would not afford the rent/mortgage of where I was living.

It was just unnecessary and I had got to the end.

 

Instantly, and I mean light switch fast. Her whole attitude changed. Her outlook changed and her feelings about the job changed.

She was sorry, she agreed I was making the right choice financially, it made no sense to borrow money in order to work, to pay off the money I was borrowing to go to a job I was going to leave.

 

and then things were ok.

 

I stayed at her house on a friday night the week we patched it all up, and her mum wasn't downstairs when I went down after we had a lay in.

I went back up and said to GF, Your mums gone out? She was confused as we heard her walking about not 5 mins before..

 

It turns out, he mum was in her room.

I asked is it because she doesn't feel well, and she replied. No, I think she has a problem with you. She has had it since boxing day.

I asked if she knew about what was going on with us the weeks before, and she said nothing, I hadn't told her a thing. This is from boxing day.

She had no idea what it was about, and I said, well ask her..

 

Nope... because that would cause world war 3. and it's just better that she leaves it and doesn't rock the boat at home

 

So I said, you know I can't now come over here again right, until this is fixed?

And she promised it would talk to her the following weekend because it needs to get sorted.

 

That was 3 weeks ago now. and nothing.

More recently this is the new issue that has come along.

 

She has been having a hard time at work.

They are implimeting a new system for the UK and Europe, and the team in the USA who do not understand the way it is done here and Europe are not checking with the London office and it's causing no end of grief.

The person who is the issue is her counterpart in the US, and he has now thrown her under the bus

So she has stuff she needs to deal with and is having a bit of a hard time of it. As she won't fight fire with fire and put him in his place. And because of that, she is looking like a bit of a pushover and he is right.

 

on top of this, Her mum has been giving her grief because on Tuesday, She didn't tell her mum she was staying at my house apparently. and since then the silent treatment has begun and now she is under pressure from her mum, whilst she is dealing with this stuff at work.

She was talking to me about this work issue the other night and I asked her what had been said, why do they think you are to blame, can you show that actually your not to blame. and it was going well..

That night (thursday) she said she was going to have drinks with people at work as they all need one after what happened.

While she was out she txt me to say that she is now officially skint for the month. doesnt have a penny.

And she goes to vegas next weekend.

I said, do you want me to lend you some money for it. and she said, yeah you're gonna have to.

Then carried on telling me about her out drinking and having more drinks.. So I was a little annoyed, because she has no money, has a trip next weekend and needs to borrow money for it, but doesnt seem to understand that she is out spending money drinking because works a little tough.

She then rings me at midnight and asks if she can get the train to my house, as it would be easier and she can't be doing with the grief she will get from her mum if she went back.

I said yes. and she come back and she was drunk, and it was also 1:30am so wasnt really fun.

She gets up the next day, goes to work and thats that.

I message her about lunch time and I aske her how work is. She says, emails emails emails

She is getting grief and she is constantly having to fight battles at the moment.

I ask her if it's the same thing, and she says yeah.. its about ****

I didn't understand the terminoligy, so I asked. What does **** mean?

And that was it.. She went volcano.

Why are you giving me **** now, my mums on my case and won't talk to me, so I have her to deal with, and I got this guy trying to blame me for all his mess, so I have that to deal with and now I have you just digging and digging and digging away and you just won't leave it.

 

And that was it. I thought, na. I aint gonna have a ful on argument here. I will just leave her.

 

She did not send one message at all for the rest of the day and eve.

I knew she wouldn't at this point, it's a game now. She wasn't going to be the first to break the silence.

Im 34, not 14. so I message her to say, i'm going to go bed soon so i'll say night now before I miss you.

She then replied goodnight and then it's back to normal.

Her reason for not staying over last night was because she had to get up early for a dentist apointment today (she lives about 40 min drive away) and then she had opticians.

 

This morning at about 8:30 I txt her and say, good morning x

at 10:45 she replies the same

the convo then goes like this:

Me: How was dentist?

Her: Didn't go, cancelled. need to rearrange

Me:oh really, why you cancel, when?

Her: yesterday, like 4, why?

Me: no reason, what time is dr?

Her: I don't have Dr app, I don't have any appointmets

Me: Thought you had dentist then Dr?

Her: no, dentist then get glasses sorted

Me: oh yeah, glasses. sorry. What time is that?

Her: just woke up and not doing anything which suits me after the last few days I have had

Me: ahh ok

*now, when im typing a message to say have a nice day off, she sends this*

Her: what are you doing today?

Me: well have a nice day off doing nothing then

*I then see the message she sent asking me what i'm doing so I start to reply*

Her: I'll ask again. What are you doing today?

*im still typing and not seen that*

Me: not much, probably do a bit of gardening and fill this skip up with rubbish then just chill

Her: Well have a great day yourself

 

That was it.. This is the type of thing I am up against.

 

She will not message me at all for the whole day and eve. Unless I txt her first.

 

Is this something that I am doing wrong? have I missed something here?

The people who need to be put in their place, her mum and he work colleague who threw her under the bus are the ones she should be angry at and giving a hard time. But me, who just asks the odd question to understand the conversation we are having a little better, gets spoken to like a pile of crap.

I just dont get why she has been like this all of a sudden. Its like 3 months of our relationship is egg shells. And it's not as thought there is a trust issue, or that one of us has strayed and got caught.

this is all from boxing day, and with that probably her mum. but without her conciously realizing it.

Something happened that day at a family party, but she doesn't know what because she was super drunk and can't remember, and she won't speak to her mum about what her issue with me is.

But what ever it is.. we have never been right since.

 

Why is it that some people won't argue with the people that need it.. but do to the people like me, that doesn't have to stand for it, and will just walk away at some point.

 

I am now close to just walking away from this. And in the past when i've said this to her, she has responded with, well why are you with me, why do you even stay with me if i'm so bad. You make me sound like I'm a monster ect ect

But I don't make her out to be anything, I just tell her my feelings and her guilt over something gets her SO ANGRY

 

She can't say sorry. Her pride won't allow her to txt first to stop nonsense and I genuinly would like to understand why she reacted so badly to the job thing

Even now, its a no go subject. I can not even talk about interviews or bad job offers ect. It's as though she would rather I be unhappy and in any job, then wait for the right job to come along.

 

She is the one with the job, and yet end of jan, and now end of this month, I am the one who will be lending her some money so she can see the month through.. so it's not as though she can even say she want's e to get a job so I can have some money.

 

What are your thoughts on this very very long winded story. Which I am sorry for. But felt i'd write it all out so I can hopefully cover it all and not have to fil gaps in

[Redhead14]

She's 31 years old???? She has the EQ of a 17 year old. Go and find yourself a grown up woman. You will end up having more of a parent-child relationship if you stay with her.

 

The silent treatment is immature and avoidant. It's one thing to need a day to calm down or to consider the issue and come back to have a reasonable discussion, but she needs to be clear that that is her intent for the "quiet". What she is doing is manipulative and emotional abuse.

 

I am the one who will be lending her some money so she can see the month through -- You are not married or even engaged to her, you should not give her money. You are not an ATM.

 

End this relationship now. You are seeing a glimpse of the future with her. If this kind of thing is going on now, you are seeing the "real" her.

Save

Edited February 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote of previous post ~T

[james377]

I a going to have to agree.

 

I just wanted a few ideas on what is going on. If I was a problem by asking the questions and if the mum thing is my overreaction

 

Still not heard from her all day.. Which is pathetic really. It's 8:45pm here now, last heard was the messages I quoted earlier at about 10:45am

 

I haven't messaged her, as I don't feel the point. She is the one with the issue in my mind.

 

I'm 34 but feeling like flippin 14..

[Chilli]

The mummy stuff , man , you do have to watch that ****. Some mothers like that will prefer she dumped you to get her all to herself again and some girls will almost choose their mother over their love, tricky business.

 

The job stuff , bs. l mean she has a thing about jobs and your employment. We all have a thing and her mum and your employment is hers.

Personally l think you've gotta do whatever you've gotta do on that one. One , your plenty young enough to find something you like and that earns enough and two , you've had your own business , you've worked for bosses, your obviously no slacko .

Do what you gotta do man , no point staying there forever.

[Larryville]

She's 31 years old???? She has the EQ of a 17 year old. Go and find yourself a grown up woman. You will end up having more of a parent-child relationship if you stay with her.

 

First Red props to you for reading all of this!

 

My rule of thumb if you MUST write a novel to explain the actions of a “partner” or a SO, find someone else. I don’t know how long it took for you to articulate all of this in your mind before posting but dealing with anyone who takes this much negative mental and emotional energy RUN. Life is too damn short!

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I have to say it sounds a bit enabling. What do you get out of the relationship?

[james377]

Hey everyone, Thanks for the replies.

 

So this morning I ended it.

 

Enough is enough. And yesterday she messaged me and it was the same old thing.

She had got over what ever it is she was giving me silent treatment about, and acted as though everything was ok.

Asked if we were still meeting up for lunch and I said no...

She asked why and I explained, I am not happy about us as a couple and the situation.

 

She asked to come and explain what was what and said she was waiting to see me and apologise in person.

I agreed and she said she was getting her car cleaned first then on her way.

Messaged me to say she was at the car wash and they wanted it for 45 mins

45 mins later she messages me and says they forgot to do her car, so they are doing it now

on the way she got a tyre blowout, her car had no spare.

I went out and got it all sorted, and went and found a place on a sunday open to sell a reasonably priced tyre. And she didn't say a word to me and it was really awkward.

I made a point of not saying anything as she was the one with explaining to do, and she didn't

When it was all fixed and back on, she then decided to leave. as it was "late" (6pm) knowing full well we hadn't had a chance to talk.

 

So this morning I emailed her, just run through it all and ended it.

 

I haven't had a response. Don't expect one and didn't do it for one.

 

It's frustrating as pre boxing day this relationship was spot on..

But something happened with her mum and since then it's got down the pan.

 

Live and learn.. Even at 34

[CaliforniaGirl]

Your list of complaints was so long I couldn't begin to read it. If you have enough complaints to kill 700 or some-odd words simply as an outline to total strangers, even if they revolve around one basis (the mother?), then this is not the girl for you. Move on and good luck.

[smackie9]

From what I read the apple didn't fall too far from the tree....like mother, like daughter.

 

If it doesn't go as planned it becomes a $%^ show. You dodged a bullet.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Don't be upset about this. It looks like you got free just in time.