Can I still multi-date?

[DMVeep]

I became single again several months ago and started dating again a few weeks ago. I've had two long-term relationships at this point. I ideally want my next relationship to result in marriage, as I'm in my 30s and want children. My last relationship was really unfulfilling and I don't want to go down that road again.

 

I've been out with four different women so far. Two one and dones. One girl for two dates and I passed.

 

The fourth woman I have been on a handful of dates with. She has a very interesting personality, in a good way. She's definitely different than other women that I dated in the past. She is cute, but not the most attractive woman I have dated. She definitely likes me. I enjoy spending time with her also. However, having had several relationships at this point, I see both potential for greatness and pitfalls. I still have a lot to learn about her. Things are moving pretty fast, as we had about 4 dates in two weeks.

 

I feel really torn. I want to keep seeing her to see where it goes, but I'm also curious about other women since I haven't dated in about three years. Some friends told me "multi-dating" is common theses days but it sounds like it could be a recipe for disaster.

 

I don't want to screw things up with this girl. I feel kind of guilty wanting to see what's out there. The other part of me feels fortunate and wants to count my blessings. There is another woman I had been chatting up on an online dating site. I still want to meet with her, but it feels wrong.

 

I'm not sure what to do, any ideas?

[goldway90]

You can and you should, this girl isn't your girlfriend so there's nothing wrong about multi-dating.

 

Look you said it yourself, you want your next relationship to result in marriage then take your time and see what's out there first before committing.

[smackie9]

Put yourself in her shoes........how would you feel? If you are going to multi-date, you may as well be honest about it. Is it really fair to string someone along as they catch feelings while you try to make up your mind?

 

IMO if she was that special you wouldn't be here considering multi dating....cut her loose.

[Cookiesandough]

IMO if she was that special you wouldn't be here considering multi dating....cut her loose.

This is exactly it. You're meh about her, op. She's 'good enough' but you're curious if there's something better. If you know she's gaining feels the right thing to do would be to let her go or at least let her know you're dating others.

Edited February 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[DMVeep]

You both make good points so far. She seems like she has potential. I feel good when I'm around her but I can't really explain why. It's confusing as she isn't necessarily the type of girl I'd expect to be with.

[Cookiesandough]

Technically, she should assume you will see others until otherwise discussed. But a lot of people do not, because they into you and not multi dating. You seem to be having moral qualm with it, so I'd go with what smackie9 said

[DMVeep]

This is exactly it. You're meh about her, op. She's 'good enough' but you're curious if there's something better. If you know she's gaining feels the right thing to do would be to let her go or at least let her know you're dating others.

 

I don't think I'm meh about her. I'm actually looking forward to seeing her again. Two of our dates were amazing and two above average.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't doubt you enjoy spending time with her, OP. You're just not feeling her that much. If you were, you wouldn't be weighing your options. You'd be thinking about her and when you can see her next. Not a new girl you can see in that time who might be better.

[DMVeep]

I don't doubt you enjoy spending time with her, OP. You're just not feeling her that much. If you were, you wouldn't be weighing your options. You'd be thinking about her and when you can see her next. Not a new girl you can see in that time who might be better.

 

I was definitely feeling her strongly after the first and third date but not as much after the second and fourth. I think a lot of it is caused by over analyzing stuff. I don't want to string her along but I am curious where things will go. Would it be so bad to go on a few more dates with her?

Edited February 18, 2017 by DMVeep

[CaliforniaGirl]

I see nothing wrong with dating other people if you and she have no commitment to one another (exclusivity).

[Cookiesandough]

I was definitely feeling her strongly after the first and third date but not as much after the second and fourth. I think a lot of it is caused by over analyzing stuff. I don't want to string her along but I am curious where things will go. Would it be so bad to go on a few more dates with her?

 

It could be lol. If she really likes you and you're not sure. But that is a risk taken when dating. Sorry, I'm just focusing on the multidate dilemma since it's not your style. That kind of tells me you know when it clicks relatively soon? You have every right to date others along with her at this time, but if she brings it up, make sure you tell her you are dating others. If you think it will only take a few more dates, and don't want to feel bad about it, maybe just wait it out? I really think you need to get out and date others, though.

Edited February 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[DMVeep]

It could be lol. If she really likes you and you're not sure. But that is a risk taken when dating. Sorry, I'm just focusing on the multidate dilemma since it's not your style. That kind of tells me you know when it clicks relatively soon? You have every right to date others along with her at this time, but if she brings it up, make sure you tell her you are dating others. If you think it will only take a few more dates, and don't want to feel bad about it, maybe just wait it out? I really think you need to get out and date others, though.

 

If she def likes me, why is it bad to continue dating her? I honestly think I just get too in my head about stuff. I'm starting to feel even worse. Why is weighing my options wrong?

 

 

I'm very confused about your advice. You are saying it's bad to keep seeing her but only if I'm uncomfortable with a multidate? I am fine with maybe going on a few other first dates just to see, but I have always struggled with a grass is always greener mentality.

Edited February 18, 2017 by DMVeep

[dumbass2]

Go out with that other girl. You don't even know if the girl you are dating is not doing the same thing. Usually takes me about 6 really strong dates and consistent communication before I will stop looking. The one thing you have to be honest about with yourself is can you be honest to the other girls and not string anyone along. If you're not sure about this one just make sure it progresses at the pace you are comfortable with. If you are not really ready to settle down right now, then just make sure that is clear in your actions. If someone asks you upfront are you looking for a LTR then be honest. Not everyone is cut out to do multi dating.

[Cookiesandough]

If she def likes me, why is it bad to continue dating her? I honestly think I just get too in my head about stuff. I'm starting to feel even worse. Why is weighing my options wrong?

 

 

I'm very confused about your advice. You are saying it's bad to keep seeing her but only if I'm uncomfortable with a multidate? I am fine with maybe going on a few other first dates just to see, but I have always struggled with a grass is always greener mentality.

 

I'm sorry the way I wrote it wasn't clear. It's not wrong to weigh your options and you absolutely should. Until you're in a exclusive relationship, it's your right. What I was saying was that it is my opinion(just mine) that if you are still wanting to see other girls and think there is greener grass, you are not too into her.Think of it the other way. You're dating a girl you really like for awhile and you find out she is still looking for the next best guy. You're saying that could change later down the road, but you feel bad about exploring things with her and seeing other girls in the meantime. I understand why some people feel this way because just because multi-dating is the best option at times does not mean it doesn't run risks. I don't multidate because I know pretty early if I want something with a guy( click, spark) and I'm looking for long term. If you think you need time and for girls to grow on you, then multidating seems like the best option for you.

Edited February 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

A lot of people feel bad about multidating despite wanting to do it because they feel like they're cheating on the person(s), especially if it does lead somewhere with one.. technically you aren't together, but it is somewhat understandable.

Edited February 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[DC77]

I don't think 4 dates is enough to know one way or another if she's the one. That stuff takes time. Me personally, I don't agree with multi dating nor do I take to it to well, especially if there's sex involved. I'm old fashioned in if you want to give it a chance then you can spend a month or two with me, get to know me. I don't take well to being a number. That's a quick way to make me walk away.... But like I said, I'm old fashioned. Some people are okay multi dating and sleeping around. You need to talk to her. Find out how she feels about it now before you get to deep. If she's okay with it then you have an understanding. If she's not, you have to make a choice.

[Cookiesandough]

I'm concerned with OP's feelings about so much because I have been in similar shoes. When I started online dating, I went out with different guys because I assumed that's what you're supposed to do on OLD and there were so many choices. Then I met a guy I liked and still was in that multidating(not sleeping) phase in the transition (3 dates but lots of talking invetween) where I started to really feel for him so I felt guilty for seeing him while seeing others. I told him and things went south. I think he felt betrayed because he wanted to be asked me to be gf and had not seen others since the beginning.

 

It's hard in this grey area at the beginning when you don't know how the other person feels about it.

Edited February 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GoldSparkz]

I'm concerned with OP's feelings about so much because I have been in similar shoes. When I started online dating, I went out with different guys because I assumed that's what you're supposed to do on OLD and there were so many choices. Then I met a guy I liked and still was in that multidating(not sleeping) phase in the transition (3 dates but lots of talking invetween) where I started to really feel for him so I felt guilty for seeing him while seeing others. I told him and things went south. I think he felt betrayed because he wanted to be asked me to be gf and had not seen others since the beginning.

 

It's hard in this grey area at the beginning when you don't know how the other person feels about it.

 

I've been on the other end of the stick where i would date one guy who I would later discover was multi dating. The obvious signs where him flaking on me - one minute he's all over me like a rash and the next he's disappeared from the face of the earth. It was like a never ending cycle until I said enough was enough.

 

So the issue I find with multi dating is that the person who's doing it is never satisfied because they feel there is someone more attractive than the person they are dating, regardless of how good of a match that person is. Some times I wish the older generation played a part in our match making as they understood the importance of a person's values over the superficial things.

 

The OP mentioned the lady's looks stating that she was not the most attractive woman he had dated, so I suspect he is not satisfied with her looks despite the fact that she is a good match. If I were in this position, I would date her and only her for longer to see whether the chemistry develops and her looks are no longer a sticking point.

 

The problem with OLD is that there's too much choice, so we will never be satisfied.

[DMVeep]

I've been on the other end of the stick where i would date one guy who I would later discover was multi dating. The obvious signs where him flaking on me - one minute he's all over me like a rash and the next he's disappeared from the face of the earth. It was like a never ending cycle until I said enough was enough.

 

So the issue I find with multi dating is that the person who's doing it is never satisfied because they feel there is someone more attractive than the person they are dating, regardless of how good of a match that person is. Some times I wish the older generation played a part in our match making as they understood the importance of a person's values over the superficial things.

 

The OP mentioned the lady's looks stating that she was not the most attractive woman he had dated, so I suspect he is not satisfied with her looks despite the fact that she is a good match. If I were in this position, I would date her and only her for longer to see whether the chemistry develops and her looks are no longer a sticking point.

 

The problem with OLD is that there's too much choice, so we will never be satisfied.

 

You might be right. Her physical appearance could be better. I've worked hard to improve my physical attractiveness and it has definitely paid off. I'be never had an easier time getting a date in my life, so it's hard not to wonder what I'm capable of obtaining.

 

I don't want to lie. I feel like I have a nice connection with the current girl. The other girl I want to meet is very attractive and we appear to have a lot in common. However, we haven't even met so you know how that goes.

 

OLD does make it hard to make choices in my opinion. With so many options, it's tempting to keep casting out in search of a better one. I'm a naturally indecisive person, so it only makes matters worse. The only other time I multi-dated I ended up liking one girl for her personality and one for looks. I ended up with neither of them.

 

I get the impression it's up to me to decide how I feel about things. I'd like to go on a date with the other woman just for comparison, even I feel weird about it. Is that wrong?

Edited February 18, 2017 by DMVeep

[DMVeep]

I'm concerned with OP's feelings about so much because I have been in similar shoes. When I started online dating, I went out with different guys because I assumed that's what you're supposed to do on OLD and there were so many choices. Then I met a guy I liked and still was in that multidating(not sleeping) phase in the transition (3 dates but lots of talking invetween) where I started to really feel for him so I felt guilty for seeing him while seeing others. I told him and things went south. I think he felt betrayed because he wanted to be asked me to be gf and had not seen others since the beginning.

 

It's hard in this grey area at the beginning when you don't know how the other person feels about it.

 

I do feel like we have a connection and if I told her I wanted to see others still it wouldn't end well. That being said, would I have to tell her?

[Jj66]

OLD leads to unicorn chasing. Something better might be just one click away so we don't concentrate on getting to know the person we are with. We don't integrate their positive and negative traits. Instead we see that negative and keep searching for "the one". That perfect match that doesn't exist.

 

My advice: since you are searching for marriage, looks should be lower on your list than it is. Looks will fade away someday and you will be left with the real person. Concentrate on finding someone you relate with well. Someone with a compatible life vision. A compatible sense of humor would be great so you can laugh together.

 

As long as you find her attractive enough that you would want to have sex with her and not be the least bit ashamed if your buddies knew about it, she is attractive enough to get in the door. Then concentrate on getting to know her and decide on compatibility.

[elaine567]

I do feel like we have a connection and if I told her I wanted to see others still it wouldn't end well. That being said, would I have to tell her?

 

Well that isn't a great start to a relationship is it? You would already be lying to her.

YOU don't think she is hot enough and want to date the cuter one.

Just do it, but dump this one first.

YOU don't want to "settle", and so she is in for a great deal of hurt if you continue. I see no point in stringing her along for any more dates, as there will always be someone you find cuter than she is.

[smackie9]

I recommend you slow things down with her. If you have more than one date a week, you are giving her the impression things are going in a certain direction. Especially if there is a lot of communication in between dates. You are over doing it if you want to keep your options open. Pull back.

[Otter2569]

You can and you should, this girl isn't your girlfriend so there's nothing wrong about multi-dating.

 

Look you said it yourself, you want your next relationship to result in marriage then take your time and see what's out there first before committing.

 

Unless the two of you decide to become exclusive you are single and can do what ever you want.

 

After I met my current GF I continued to date for 3+ months...until I realized one day that I had something special and it wasn't worth the risk of losing her. I also had plenty of chances to fool around since then but I didn't. When you find a good thing you will know it...and then you will do the right thing.

[DMVeep]

OLD leads to unicorn chasing. Something better might be just one click away so we don't concentrate on getting to know the person we are with. We don't integrate their positive and negative traits. Instead we see that negative and keep searching for "the one". That perfect match that doesn't exist.

 

My advice: since you are searching for marriage, looks should be lower on your list than it is. Looks will fade away someday and you will be left with the real person. Concentrate on finding someone you relate with well. Someone with a compatible life vision. A compatible sense of humor would be great so you can laugh together.

 

As long as you find her attractive enough that you would want to have sex with her and not be the least bit ashamed if your buddies knew about it, she is attractive enough to get in the door. Then concentrate on getting to know her and decide on compatibility.

 

How do you suggest putting those thoughts of the perfect person to rest?