Meeting all these men whom are not focused on anything serious

[amkxoxo]

As I am close to turning 25 years of age, I am looking at my dating life and seemingly feeling a lack of hope. Now if I said this to friends or family in person, I would get the general "Oh you'll find someone," and "It takes time, but you are so great."

 

I feel like I want to meet someone naturally. I have a lot to offer. A big heart. I have been trying to diet, I'm only a size 8, regardless. I'm cute, smart, educated, quirky, and kind. I've been focusing on myself and my work, which is motivating me in many ways. I'm trying to enjoy life, but sometimes its lonely, and I wish I had someone to enjoy it with.

 

Thus, this pattern that keeps surfacing with me. I meet these men, some in school, some through mutual friends, etc... They seem so great. Charming, educated, motivated, handsome, interesting men. First impressions are great. And they seem into me. The chemistry is evident as we talk more and more and go out.

 

But then the other shoe drops. This is the third man I have liked, whom likes me, but is way too focused on their life, goals, and sometimes moving away. Its a huge burden and really disappointing as its life being in the way, and not the actual connection itself.

 

With my first ex, we met in college. He was charming, funny, etc.. We liked each other, but he had just gotten out of a relationship and was still recovering from loss, while also graduating in three months and going back home to his family. We spent the three months dating, then he left. He even said it to me once, that he wishes we met at a different time, when he wasn't heartbroken and starting his life after college since I was someone he could see himself being serious with.

 

The second guy, I met through mutual friends. He was extremely intelligent and a little bit older and mature. He asked me out right away and was such a gentleman. My friends thought he was great, and such boyfriend material. But then we are only able to date for one month, as before we met, he committed to going to graduate school across the country. He now lives there with his girlfriend.

 

This most recent guy is great. He seems very my type and I like him. He's smart, motivated, handsome, funny. Unfortunately right now he is 4 hours from here at graduate school. He comes home here to see his family, but rarely.

 

I am just so bummed. Its like I can't seem to find someone who has the time or effort to put in. But its not like it wasn't our chemistry, its just lifestyle. I meet some men locally, but they just aren't totally intriguing to me and I just don't feel overly impressed with them. My friends have boyfriends, but again, they aren't these amazing accomplished guys that I am meeting, until life gets in the way. Then I beat myself up, that maybe I am not enough. They don't want to date me from afar. They don't have time. Maybe I am not enough to be in a relationship over their goals.

 

My friends are all on online dating sites and apps, and I know they have boyfriends. I still like to meet people naturally and in person. I like to feel special, instead of pick of the litter of photos to swipe.

 

Any advice, opinions?

Edited February 16, 2017 by amkxoxo

[Popsicle]

Date men who are 28-32. They are more serious. Before or after that they are either not serious or too jaded.

[GoldSparkz]

Remember that not all the men you meet are going to be at a perfect point in their lives for a relationship. It sounds like the relationships you've had have so far been over very quickly, which in some ways is good, because you are not being led on.

 

My advice would be to find out early on what the guy wants, where does he see himself in the next few years? Is he ready for a relationship? The guys you've dated have either recently graduated, just broken up with a girlfriend, or are unavailable most of the time. Before getting involved, make sure they are ready and have space in their lives to focus on you.

 

Also I think its great that you want to meet guys in person and not on dating sites. This is rare nowadays and shows that you are possibly old fashioned in your approach to dating. So I agree with Popsicle with regards to dating men slightly older than you.

[amkxoxo]

Yeah, its tough to find men out there whom are settled in their life. I don't expect them to be. I'm not asking for a ring. I just feel like I keep meeting these men who are off finding out what to do with their lives.

 

Its also tough because as much as I want to know what their intentions are, its hard not to scare someone away by asking that way too soon.

 

Like with this most recent guy, its complicated. Asked for my number. Started texting me everyday. Showed all good signs of effort. He's 4 hours away at grad school. He still texts me a lot. Seems very into me. flirts with me. But he rarely comes back home here.

 

 

I don't actually know why he keeps talking to me. All my friends and family think he clearly likes me, but his life is just so busy, but he s trying to keep the lines of communication open for the future. He doesn't have that space in his life to focus on me.

 

He also plays semi professional sports, so he travels a lot while not in school. I asked him his long term plan. He led me to believe that once school is over, he is going to try and keep getting drafted for teams, and when he no longer can, he will settle and get a real job. He's 27, going to be 28 this year. I mean, I see it as him getting up there in age to keep getting drafted. I don't think he will go any higher in his career as I think he would have already. I love his passion and drive for the sport. I think he is a hard worker. He is also getting a Master's degree so he will get a good job eventually. Part of me wishes he would come back here and want to get a good job and settle.

 

But I know his passion is playing right now and I want him to be happy. He might never come back here. He has travelled for sports for a long time, so him moving for a job is not uncommon. I would hope maybe he would want to be near his family eventually though, which would mean near me. But this might not be for another year and a half.

 

I guess I just feel like I have to keep waiting. Waiting around for a mature guy to come along. I am at tat awkward age of 25, where all the guys I meet are still figuring out their own lives. Which is fine. I think I also figured out my own life very early on, so I am a unique case. I have a great full time job I got right after college and have been doing well for myself. I won't stay here forever, but I'm gaining experience.

 

Ugh I just feel like the dating world is against me always.

 

Also, where do people still meet other people in person? I go to bars, but never expect to meet quality men. I work with all older people, so none my age. I have such a hard time meeting people my age. Its insane. Thats why all my friends are online. I just don't like the idea of my face for all strangers to see and chatting with people whom I do not know. I know you get to know people in person that way too, but you get to meet them and see what they are like first impression wise. Online you just chat away to a stranger. You truly don't know them. Any help on where to meet mature men?

Edited February 16, 2017 by amkxoxo

[CptInsano]

It's simply that you are dating men who are starting their careers, and who are looking to establish themselves professionally. (That's why they got a degree in the first place.) In also remember that awkward time around graduation when everything felt like it was in limbo. The realty is that many educated men at that age are not looking for a committed relationship at this particular stage in their lives.

 

Quite frankly, I would suggest focusing on our career, because this is the time when you can do so completely.

[mikeylo]

Some guys are relationship or marriage oriented. They can balance both because they want to and are willing to put in the effort. Some are more focused on career job etc. and they just want a warm bed. You need to pick the ones that suit your needs.

[central]

As was suggested, date slightly older men who are established in your location. Otherwise, perhaps you should consider relocating to be close to someone who does seem right. But after only a few months of dating, that's a risky decision. If you do take the chance, don't move in with him - keep your own place so you can easily move on if things don't work out. (Rule of thumb: don't live together until you've dated at least a year.)

[Mrin]

Just a thought to try on but could you possibly have a touch of "want what you can't have-itis"?

[amkxoxo]

I appreciate all of the feedback. It’s helpful. I am trying to focus on my career, my life, and my goals. It’s so hard when all of your friends are in relationships, and here I am with a great job, apartment, family, friends, and lifestyle, and no one to share it with. It always shocks me, that friends of mine sometimes comment on my life, almost like they can’t wait to work their way up to have it. I don’t see my life as all that great. I don’t have a boyfriend. But I guess it is. My life is good at 25. I just get worried that I have yet to meet someone and you want to spend years dating before engagement and marriage, so I feel like I am running out of time.

 

I like strong, motivated, men whom are trying to be successful. It’s very attractive to me. So I have a tad of “what I can’t have itis”

 

Every girl wants to be the girl that gets the guy. Wins the guy. Makes the guy commit and move mountains for her, so part of hopes these guys like me enough to want to put effort into their life and being with me. I just keep meeting guys that don’t necessarily want to do both at the same time.

 

It’s funny that one of you mentioned focusing on your career, because I saw a psychic this past fall of 2016. She is the real deal. She has told me and many others things that have fully come true. I wrote down what she told me. This is what she said:

 

She said I was to meet a man. Then how we already know each other, but might not realize it right away.

 

With this most recent guy he and I realized we went to college together and were the same major, he was just two years ahead of me. We probably had class together and saw each other a bunch of times. We just didn’t know it. We both talked and said how ironic it was.

 

She said we do similar things in a similar field. He and I were the same major.

 

She said I was going to meet him where a large amount of people meet. He and I met on Facebook on an alumni page for our school for networking and meeting other alumni.

 

She said we were not going to be together right away, and how he was intimidated by me. How he would go away, but then come back around in the summer.

 

He is away at school right now, and is coming around again in April, which is close to summer time.

 

She then said that he will go away again, and we won’t truly be together for two years. But that he will be the one for me, and we are meant to be.

 

Now, I am trying not to see too much into things. This could be anyone. But it is very ironic that he will be graduating school, two years from when I met with the psychic, and will most likely come back to be with his family back here.

 

Again though, this could be anyone. But it is very weird that the timeline matches up with him.

 

She lastly told me to focus on my career and not men, and it will happen after the two years, things will fall into place then.

 

I can't wait around for this guy to pop back up, as he may never. I am going to focus on me and my career, and hopefully things do fall into place.

 

In situations like this, I know it isn't me. I am a good catch, but its hard not to feel down on yourself, like you aren't good enough.

[Mrin]

So as long as we're going all psychic woo woo, try this story on for size.

 

My GF really really wants to leave her current profession. She has a great job but it is killing her. She's been trying to leave for 2.5 years. She's been picking up side gigs that are in another profession that she really wants to do. The side gigs really taxed her time to the point she was really stressed out. In September an opportunity came along for her to get into the new profession. It was a good opportunity but it had some "catches". It would be part time. In order to take it she managed to negotiate going part time in her current job to make room. Also to make room she jettisoned her side gigs. Well, the new job opportunity fell through in an amazingly awful and traumatic way. So she found herself at the start January working part time in her old job and having nothing else in the works. Almost worse off than when she started.

 

Well, one of the side gigs that she quit turned into a reference and last week she was hired on part time (going to full time) with the IDEAL opportunity for new career. Great company. Great people. Great work. Like it couldn't get any better.

 

Looking back, so many things had to fall through or go bad in order for her to be in position to have this opportunity. Literally, if any one of them had "gone right" she would never have even known much less had the chance to take this opportunity.

 

The path from here to destiny is never direct nor clear. It only makes sense in hindsight.

[Larryville]

I feel like I want to meet someone naturally. I have a lot to offer. A big heart. I have been trying to diet, I'm only a size 8, regardless. I'm cute, smart, educated, quirky, and kind. I've been focusing on myself and my work, which is motivating me in many ways. I'm trying to enjoy life, but sometimes its lonely, and I wish I had someone to enjoy it with.

 

Thus, this pattern that keeps surfacing with me. I meet these men, some in school, some through mutual friends, etc... They seem so great. Charming, educated, motivated, handsome, interesting men. First impressions are great. And they seem into me. The chemistry is evident as we talk more and more and go out.

 

But then the other shoe drops. This is the third man I have liked, whom likes me, but is way too focused on their life, goals, and sometimes moving away. Its a huge burden and really disappointing as its life being in the way, and not the actual connection itself.

 

With my first ex, we met in college. He was charming, funny, etc.. We liked each other, but he had just gotten out of a relationship and was still recovering from loss, while also graduating in three months and going back home to his family. We spent the three months dating, then he left. He even said it to me once, that he wishes we met at a different time, when he wasn't heartbroken and starting his life after college since I was someone he could see himself being serious with.

 

I'm not asking for a ring. I just feel like I keep meeting these men who are off finding out what to do with their lives.

 

I can’t remember where I heard or read this but was a dude writing about why people, particularly women will say things like “they can’t find the right guy, always finding the wrong guy”

 

The truth is that you don’t attract the wrong men, you “accept” the wrong men.

 

This is not just about OP, this is ANY woman who keeps getting her foot stepped on by the wrong dudes.

 

The case, when you are dating a man who has been with you for five years and never proposed, the problem is that you ACCEPTED HIM.

 

When you are dating a man who is verbally abusive, and shuts down when you attempt to reasonably communicate with him, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

 

When you are dating a man who has addiction issues, employment issues, and emotional issues, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

 

We all get this “type” in our head and pick from the basket of “types” and folks wonder why you keep picking “bad fruit.” I’ll be blunt some people simply need to choose better and don’t just “accept” dudes.

 

This is a much more complicated issue but when I go on OLD sites and I see really hot women with amazing profiles, driven, successful, motivated, goal oriented, pics with glowing smiles the first thing I think is WTF is wrong with her, because you know hundreds of dudes have been blowing up her email and she can’t find “ONE” decent dude? Some I notice who have been on various sites for YEARS.

 

Get out of your comfort zone, choose better and don’t “accept” just anybody.

Ask better questions. That is why I'm an prolific profile reader, I can process not only by what I read, but also what I am not seeing based on age, pics (shown and what is hidden in pics) even things like user names.

 

If people did the research and the due diligence in looking for a home why would you not do that in looking for a partner? In home buying you don't just look at the house, you look at the neighbors, neighborhood, schools, crime, commute distance... all sorts of things that have NOTHING to do with the house directly. You do the same thing with dating and people you want to meet and have a relationship with.

[Purepony]

Maybe your too critical ?

 

Or is it possible your intimidating ?

 

My friends all are in relationships but they don't have goals or make the money I make. It bothers me sometimes because their regular guys and the girls are pretty well as far as careers and looks but my friends are busy noticing every girl around them except the one their with

 

I dated a lawyer last week and stopped the date, that's how bad it went then I dated a nice girl but just wasn't for me

[smackie9]

Just me but from my perspective, accomplished men don't give too much of a rat's butt about a woman being successful, independent, intelligent, sparkling personality, if they can have beautiful and sexy. They want hot, not quirky and sweet. You need to up your game if you want to really catch the eye of this type of man. From you mentioning of trying to "diet", that give me a hunch you are thinking the same thing too. I may get slammed for this post but the truth of the matter is, it's reality. There is a lot of competition for this type of man and these men know it. There is no shame in improving your appearance to attract men, whether it be changing the way you dress, wear makeup or get fake boobs.... The cosmetics alone is a multi-billion industry for a reason. I'm not saying you should look like a barbie doll, just make some adjustments that you know men will find more appealing. Hell If I was single today, you better believe it I would be hitting the gym, changing my hair style and getting a new wardrobe....maybe hire a stylist.

[Miss Peach]

As you mentioned OP - who knows if this guy will be the right guy. In the meantime if you want to date, I agree with the previous posters who mentioned to date older as they typically have more of that stuff figured out.

 

Besides looks men want softness and someone who is feminine and a lot of accomplished women don't do that on dates. You will stand out if you have both going for you.