OLD - Transitioning from messages to phone with women

[SevenCity]

Hopefully this rather innocuous topic won't get the venomous responses of my usual posts lol.

 

So when I first started OLD I would try to move a messaging conversation to a brief phone call right away to assess if I wanted to ask them out. I would say "Hey here's my number. Let me know when you are free to chat"

 

I learned quickly this scared women off (not sure why) so now I go through 4-5 message exchanges and say "Hey I'd like to get to know you better. Let me know if you would like to speak on the phone and I'll send you my number"

 

This has had more of a positive effect. Some will respond with their number, others will text me, but still others ignore the question or disappear.

 

The ones that disappear are written off as just looking for attention with no intention to meet so good to filter. Not sure what to make of the ones that ignore the request and continue to message. Attention seekers as well?

 

So, what is the correct approach for OLD? I like to get right to the point; after all we are on the site to meet people to date.

 

Also, should I be writing off those who continue to message without noting my request to speak on the phone?

 

I struggle to understand women's comfort levels as I'm not afraid to give my number out if I'm interested- someone can always be blocked.

 

Appreciate your input.

[olivetree]

Women that don't want to do the phone thing are not just attention seekers.

 

-It can be uncomfortable to chat on the phone with a stranger and they would rather save that for in person.

-They realize you are trying to vet them further and it is a turn off / too cautious.

-They fear that you just want a phone buddy.

 

For me, I didn't give out my phone number unless we had solid plans to meet up.

[KBob]

I never request to talk on the phone as making my move. People hardly seem to want to talk on the phone these days, anyway, so your odds off success in striking up a phone conversation with a stranger are low. It's better to ask them straight up for a face to face date, then ask to exchange numbers in order to set plans. You don't want to keep communication via the dating app beyond that point, or things will likely fizzle out. If you happen to talk on the phone between then and the date, great!

[Larryville]

For me, I didn't give out my phone number unless we had solid plans to meet up.

 

It can be uncomfortable to chat on the phone with a stranger and they would rather save that for in person.

 

All I can say is as someone who has participated in OLD since the late 90’s and the number of people I have actually met in person. If a woman gives you her number they want to meet, they are at least interested in checking you out.

 

I also know this might be generational too… Been my experience that older women if interested don’t want to waste time with OLD site email. If they are genuinely interested they go for it.

 

Also with technology giving out a phone number is not that big of a deal anymore (not sure about other countries)

 

If you have the “White Pages” app not only will it display numbers but the address where the number was registered. helps with scammers and catfish stuff.

 

There is another app where you can transmit a “fake number”

 

There is an awesome called “Extreme Call Blocker” that not only blocks the number but does not allow someone to leave messages and you can block texts too, also blocks any FCC blacklisted numbers automatically.

[Gaeta]

If I were you I'd forget to escalate this to the phone and just go from contact to making plans to meet. When plans to meet are done than you can exchange phone numbers in case you need to delay or can't show up. I have had plenty of meetings without talking on the phone.

 

As for people not comfortable talking on the phone GEEZ, how do these people survive in the world !! You mean when their boss ask them to call a supplier or a customer they say they can't cause calling makes them uncomfortable *rolling eyes*

[Dis]

I think talking on the phone is always a great idea prior to a meet up!! That way if they cant carry a conversation or you get a bad vibe from them you dont waste your time later

 

I would hold off on the phone call until you've made plans to meet though...whats the point of a phone call if you two arent planning on meeting up

 

I would be a little put off if I had plans with a guy and he didnt want to talk on the phone...I think thats a little strange

[Cookiesandough]

Can only speak for myself, but if I have a few text exchanges with a guy and we're vibing, I LIKE him giving me his number and I'll text. It made me more comfortable because we have a way to communicate beside the app to work out the plans. Just don't be like "HEY TEXT ME ##########" as your first message and I think your strategy is good.

[Lilyana76]

I most be an oddball, I hate texting and messaging. Much rather talk on the phone, so I'm one to offer my number or ask for theirs pretty quickly if I'm interested. If I'm not interested I simply don't even respond to them on the OLD app. After a little how do you do and reading their profile, I'd like to hear their voice and speak to them to gauge further if I want to meet them.

 

Some times texting just makes communication harder than it needs to be. Hearing their voice and listening to what they say has more ground to me to solidify a meeting or if I would rather not.

[SwordofFlame]

I'm in the group of forget the phone call and just meet up for drinks as soon as possible. I've only done the phone call before a date once only to not have chemistry with them when we met on the first date. Of the many dates from OLD that I've been on, I would say at the most 2-3 of them could have been avoided by chatting on the phone first. It doesn't seem to help much in terms of filtering women out.

[SevenCity]

Women that don't want to do the phone thing are not just attention seekers.

 

-It can be uncomfortable to chat on the phone with a stranger and they would rather save that for in person.

-They realize you are trying to vet them further and it is a turn off / too cautious.

-They fear that you just want a phone buddy.

 

For me, I didn't give out my phone number unless we had solid plans to meet up.

 

That's interesting. I can't determine chemistry via text / messaging. I recall one girl who was just rude and nasty on the phone - 60 seconds saved me from having to meet her.

 

It's also a good indicator of any accents as my tolerance varies with them.

 

I have not asked a woman out without talking to her and was under the impression a girl would feel much more comfortable meeting you if she had a chance to speak on the phone.

 

I never request to talk on the phone as making my move. People hardly seem to want to talk on the phone these days, anyway, so your odds off success in striking up a phone conversation with a stranger are low. It's better to ask them straight up for a face to face date, then ask to exchange numbers in order to set plans. You don't want to keep communication via the dating app beyond that point, or things will likely fizzle out. If you happen to talk on the phone between then and the date, great!

 

I'm still surprised that a woman would feel comfortable making plans to meet a stranger without having spoken to them.

 

If I were you I'd forget to escalate this to the phone and just go from contact to making plans to meet. When plans to meet are done than you can exchange phone numbers in case you need to delay or can't show up. I have had plenty of meetings without talking on the phone.

 

As for people not comfortable talking on the phone GEEZ, how do these people survive in the world !! You mean when their boss ask them to call a supplier or a customer they say they can't cause calling makes them uncomfortable *rolling eyes*

 

The phone is a great way to determine how someone is. I've been told I have a great voice and making them laugh seems to smooth things out.

 

Again, I'm surprised women feel comfortable meeting without a phone call.

 

So then what's the right amount of messages to ask her out?

[Popsicle]

I'm on total agreement with you here, SevenCity. 4-5 messages and then a phone call. If the phone call goes well, set up a date after that.

[SevenCity]

I think talking on the phone is always a great idea prior to a meet up!! That way if they cant carry a conversation or you get a bad vibe from them you dont waste your time later

 

I would hold off on the phone call until you've made plans to meet though...whats the point of a phone call if you two arent planning on meeting up

 

I would be a little put off if I had plans with a guy and he didnt want to talk on the phone...I think thats a little strange

 

Once I've setup the date I try to not speak with them though I have taken the advice here about confirming. The reason I don't like to futher communication is because it's easy to say something that's taken the wrong way and you're out.

 

In person, they can see your facial expressions and inflections and can get the jist of it much more.

 

Also, as mentioned we have some (a lot) of people with terrible regional accents in my area. I've also connected with Asian women and sometimes I can barely understand them and realize the date won't go too well.

 

I most be an oddball, I hate texting and messaging. Much rather talk on the phone, so I'm one to offer my number or ask for theirs pretty quickly if I'm interested. If I'm not interested I simply don't even respond to them on the OLD app. After a little how do you do and reading their profile, I'd like to hear their voice and speak to them to gauge further if I want to meet them.

 

Some times texting just makes communication harder than it needs to be. Hearing their voice and listening to what they say has more ground to me to solidify a meeting or if I would rather not.

 

Exactly why I do it. A pic and a few words on a profile don't give you a good idea of someone. You can hear in the phone call their excitement level. I had this one girl I met from Tinder and she was all "Which one were you?" That made me feel special lol. I did end up going out with her but was turned off due to her obsession with pot (and 2 kids). I had already ruled her out as something serious being that she didn't even know which guy I was despite messaging that day.

[SevenCity]

I'm on total agreement with you here, SevenCity. 4-5 messages and then a phone call. If the phone call goes well, set up a date after that.

 

Seems like we are split down the middle here....

 

As I've been on OLD for about 4 - 5 months I've learned a lot but feel I can always learn more.

[Philosopher]

I may be in a minority here, but I personally prefer to have a chat first and to arrange the date during the phone call. I find that you can gauge quite a bit of how compatible you are with them from their voice and words and therefore have quite a good idea of how the date will go. It also makes arranging the date quite a bit easier as you can quickly establish when and where is good to meet up for the both of you.

 

From my experience the dates in which I spoken to women over the phone first are a lot more successful than those where the pre date communication has been limited to texts or messaging.

[SevenCity]

All I can say is as someone who has participated in OLD since the late 90’s and the number of people I have actually met in person. If a woman gives you her number they want to meet, they are at least interested in checking you out.

 

I also know this might be generational too… Been my experience that older women if interested don’t want to waste time with OLD site email. If they are genuinely interested they go for it.

 

Also with technology giving out a phone number is not that big of a deal anymore (not sure about other countries)

 

If you have the “White Pages” app not only will it display numbers but the address where the number was registered. helps with scammers and catfish stuff.

 

There is another app where you can transmit a “fake number”

 

There is an awesome called “Extreme Call Blocker” that not only blocks the number but does not allow someone to leave messages and you can block texts too, also blocks any FCC blacklisted numbers automatically.

 

These women tend to be in the 38 -44 range.

 

And if they are uncomfortable speaking on the phone, would they not be even more uncomfortable in person?

 

I remember one girl I dated (who ended up being crazy) was the best phone conversation I ever had from OLD. We ended up talking for 45 minutes (I usually cut it after 15) and we were both laughing so hard it hurt.

 

We had a great time up until she went nuts but I knew we would going in due to the phone chemistry.

[olivetree]

I think it's okay if talking to them on the phone first is your personal preference, but I think you'd also be missing out on good women if you next them because they aren't keen to get to know each other on the phone.

I wouldn't want to get to know someone too much before we met.

The least amount of expectations before you meet = better outcome.

 

If you just want to hear their voice and general demeanor, give them a call to set up the date.

If you don't like how it goes you can always cancel the date.

However, you might end up nexting people that you would have liked in person because they aren't great on the phone.

[rushed]

I'm in the I hate talking on the phone camp. That being said, I have talked on the phone if the guy requests it.

 

However, I never gave my number out right away. I liked to get a feel for the guy through the OLD messaging site first to make sure they seemed normal. The reason being is that you can do a facebook search using only a person's phone number. (Although, I guess I'm just super paranoid, because I don't even have my phone number linked to my facebook.)

[todreaminblue]

this is one thing about old i dont like is the pressure.....it gets overwhelming.......i am not an attention seeker at all in fact why I disappear from my dating profiles is too many men......many men start asking for phone numbers.....and i wait until it dies down and i go back ......i thought with old that you could take things slow and ....i guess i was wrong......i much prefer face to face contact.....i get to see the person and match the voice......

 

 

one guy i felt strongly was using a voice changer over the phone on one of the rare times i gave out my number......i am big on voice inflections and tones and his voice suddenly changed in the middle of conversation i said hey who are you..... and he started clearing his throat and hung up called me back later.......i told him i wasnt interested....that made me really cautious to put it mildly.....even more so that he began harrassing me and being ugly to me...for quite a while...and during that i had started to date another man who saw i was getting anxious and upset with text messages i was reading when i was over at his home, he took my phone off me, read the messages and called the guy...told him he would find him if he kept sending messages to me and he would show him what ugly meant.....,told him to grow up, that i was taken and to leave me alone...which was a relief.......

as another poster wrote not all women are attention seekers and not all guys on online dating sites are nice guys...i was ready to date....if i disappear from dating sites....its not because i am satisfied with attention i have received its because attention overwhelms me...and i actually dont like it, it gets invasive and confusing.........i like one on one and online its more like masses of multiples...which is a nightmare....even though i want to date...i feel sorry for lonely guys.and guilty when i have to reject..i feel guilty even with the ones who get nasty with me....and feel like its my fault anyway i rejected them.... and how bad they must be feeling to say such things...........and that would never be an auspicious start to any dating relationship..

 

don't make assumptions when people disappear....because it very well might be the opposite reason than the reason you are assuming....

 

old dating in my opinion can be very deceiving.....i prefer the old school ways...you get to know a guy overtime observe how he is with others and his family..see the real him in action...... and you can almost fully trust he isnt planning on eating your liver wearing a ski mask........deb.....

Edited February 15, 2017 by todreaminblue

[normal person]

I learned quickly this scared women off (not sure why) so now I go through 4-5 message exchanges and say "Hey I'd like to get to know you better. Let me know if you would like to speak on the phone and I'll send you my number"

 

Some (not all) women will think calling beforehand is weird and won't want to do it. Second, you're inhibiting the progression of the relationship by then suggesting they take your number and proactively call you. If you want to get to them better, it's your responsibility to take action. It's really odd to pass that responsibility onto them, especially if you're a man. Why don't you ask for their number?

 

 

This has had more of a positive effect. Some will respond with their number, others will text me, but still others ignore the question or disappear.

 

The ones that disappear are written off as just looking for attention with no intention to meet so good to filter. Not sure what to make of the ones that ignore the request and continue to message. Attention seekers as well.

 

So basically rather than calling you, they let you call them, or text you.

It doesn't sound like asking them to call you is a popular option. That should tell you all you need to know. Some text because it's less invasive and less awkward. Some probably ignore not because they're "attention seekers" but because having a conversation with a stranger on the phone is just odd. Most people don't like talking on the phone in general these days. It's time consuming, especially if you haven't even met the person yet. But everyone can text at their own convenience and it's not overbearing. And within the norms of society, having a phone conversation (or implying that you want to, for some reason) is really strange and probably puts off a number of women.

 

A friend of mine got talking to this guy online, and she gave him his number. Later he calls her, and she, horrified, didn't answer. He left a voicemail (God knows why) about how he wanted to get to know her, which sounds nice in theory, but is really odd in the context of modern society. She played it back for me and it we cringe-laughed at it quite a bit. In today's world, if you ask a girl you've never met to talk on the phone (or even worse, have her call you) is only slightly less strange than faxing her. People just don't do it.

 

Society these days is not kind to people who want to talk on the phone. Some people today will get angry if there phone rings because texting is less invasive and our time has a premium. Everything moves fast. If you don't move at her speed, there are 50 other guys who will. Since you disregard that, I imagine it's not helping you out much in this space. I recently tried out Tinder and messaged a few matches. Four out five of them were down to meet up right away, the fifth one wanted to talk more beforehand. Guess which one I didn't meet? I'm sure she was nice -- but she's getting left in the dust as the speed of our interactions accelerate.

 

Talking on the phone is of little benefit. The most you'll probably be able to deduce is whether or not they can hold a conversation, which most people can do, rendering this whole step in the process basically irrelevant. You're not going to know if you're actually attracted the person until you see and experience them in the flesh. So what's the point of shooting yourself in the foot by (basically) saying you're going to waste someone's time by calling them, and also do the damage to your image by admitting that you're out of touch enough to want to call?

 

Hell, FaceTime would be better.

 

 

So, what is the correct approach for OLD? I like to get right to the point; after all we are on the site to meet people to date.

 

Clearly you don't like to get right to the point if you want to talk on the phone first. You do anything but. If you want to get to the point, do it like I do:

 

"To the point" - http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=11uhrgk&s=9

 

Read from the bottom up. No time wasted, no BS, I get straight to it, and she obliges. Women in general want you to take action and be decisive, why would they waste their time talking to you on the phone when they've got 10 other guys who are ready to go? What makes you so special to her? Food for thought.

 

If you want to get to the point, ask for her number in your first response and text her within 24 hours. You'll be golden.

 

Also, should I be writing off those who continue to message without noting my request to speak on the phone?

 

I would suggest you ditch this whole "speaking on the phone" thing entirely as it's probably doing you more harm than good, but it's certainly your choice to make. I think you're the one being "written off" when you make the suggestion.

[Popsicle]

Seems like we are split down the middle here....

 

As I've been on OLD for about 4 - 5 months I've learned a lot but feel I can always learn more.

 

Ahhh flexibility is good.

[SevenCity]

Some (not all) women will think calling beforehand is weird and won't want to do it. Second, you're inhibiting the progression of the relationship by then suggesting they take your number and proactively call you. If you want to get to them better, it's your responsibility to take action. It's really odd to pass that responsibility onto them, especially if you're a man. Why don't you ask for their number?

 

 

 

 

So basically rather than calling you, they let you call them, or text you.

It doesn't sound like asking them to call you is a popular option. That should tell you all you need to know. Some text because it's less invasive and less awkward. Some probably ignore not because they're "attention seekers" but because having a conversation with a stranger on the phone is just odd. Most people don't like talking on the phone in general these days. It's time consuming, especially if you haven't even met the person yet. But everyone can text at their own convenience and it's not overbearing. And within the norms of society, having a phone conversation (or implying that you want to, for some reason) is really strange and probably puts off a number of women.

 

A friend of mine got talking to this guy online, and she gave him his number. Later he calls her, and she, horrified, didn't answer. He left a voicemail (God knows why) about how he wanted to get to know her, which sounds nice in theory, but is really odd in the context of modern society. She played it back for me and it we cringe-laughed at it quite a bit. In today's world, if you ask a girl you've never met to talk on the phone (or even worse, have her call you) is only slightly less strange than faxing her. People just don't do it.

 

Society these days is not kind to people who want to talk on the phone. Some people today will get angry if there phone rings because texting is less invasive and our time has a premium. Everything moves fast. If you don't move at her speed, there are 50 other guys who will. Since you disregard that, I imagine it's not helping you out much in this space. I recently tried out Tinder and messaged a few matches. Four out five of them were down to meet up right away, the fifth one wanted to talk more beforehand. Guess which one I didn't meet? I'm sure she was nice -- but she's getting left in the dust as the speed of our interactions accelerate.

 

Talking on the phone is of little benefit. The most you'll probably be able to deduce is whether or not they can hold a conversation, which most people can do, rendering this whole step in the process basically irrelevant. You're not going to know if you're actually attracted the person until you see and experience them in the flesh. So what's the point of shooting yourself in the foot by (basically) saying you're going to waste someone's time by calling them, and also do the damage to your image by admitting that you're out of touch enough to want to call?

 

Hell, FaceTime would be better.

 

 

 

 

Clearly you don't like to get right to the point if you want to talk on the phone first. You do anything but. If you want to get to the point, do it like I do:

 

"To the point" - http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=11uhrgk&s=9

 

Read from the bottom up. No time wasted, no BS, I get straight to it, and she obliges. Women in general want you to take action and be decisive, why would they waste their time talking to you on the phone when they've got 10 other guys who are ready to go? What makes you so special to her? Food for thought.

 

If you want to get to the point, ask for her number in your first response and text her within 24 hours. You'll be golden.

 

 

 

I would suggest you ditch this whole "speaking on the phone" thing entirely as it's probably doing you more harm than good, but it's certainly your choice to make. I think you're the one being "written off" when you make the suggestion.

 

Well I guess even this topic deserves a venomous response!

 

The reason I offer my number is to make them feel more comfortable. I try to be conscious of their concerns of giving their number to a stranger by offering mine. What usually happens is they text me and then I setup time to talk and call them.

 

Understand I'm not in a large city but have been to NYC for three dates. I agree that the phone call is not a guarantee but if it can save me a trip I'm all for it. That said, I'm not interested in going on as many dates as I can. I'm interested in finding a girl who I want to have a LTR with.

 

I'll have to take a look at that link as I am open to learning as this is fairly new to me.

 

Not sure how old you are but people my age use the phone still. I'm fine with texting but I run the risk of meeting someone I could have screened out on the phone.

 

I'm open to trying a different approach so perhaps I'll forgo the phone call for the next batch and report my results.

[bluefeather]

This is actually kinda interesting to me, and I don't know if it's ever been the topic of discussion here.

 

/non-venomous_reply

[TheTraveler]

From my experience with online dating, NOBODY wants to talk on the phone. The only time i've talked to them before meeting them in person it's with parking issues, someone is running late, they are waiting here or I am waiting there, then I call or they call.

[ShyLove]

Early 30s here. I always ask to speak on the phone first. Just or a few minutes. I live in a major city where it can take up to almost an hour to go 10 miles at times. I don't want to waste time commuting across LA county for over an hour if we can't even have a decent conversation or don't vibe. I let the guy know this (just did this very thing tonight to set up a date for Friday). Usually the guy agrees and is very happy to call.

[GoldSparkz]

What age group are these women? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I've been OLD one/off since early 00s and noticed a steady progression towards texting, especially amongst the younger site members. They are happy to text, even until meeting up! So to re-phrase, they are comfortable with not hearing your voice until the point that you meet in person?! I've even had guys who say they are not comfortable talking on the phone when asked to progress from texting. Red flag!

 

In my opinion, it seems as though you see phone calls as a natural progression in the early stages of dating, so if the girl isn't comfortable with it, then the chances are she won't be comfortable with phone calls when you're dating. Maybe use this as a way to weed out the unsuitable matches.

Edited February 16, 2017 by GoldSparkz
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