Kind of pissed off

[Jj66]

The anniversary of the first date with my gf is April 6th. I was thinking I'd plan something very special but wanted to make sure she was free- or maybe more precisely that she wasn't already planning something - before I arranged something.

 

So, tonight I texted her to ask if she was free on April 6th. After a couple of hours (she was with friends at a movie) she texted back: "No. Sorry." "Going to say good night sweet dreams" "I love you"

 

I guess I should have left it that but I couldn't.

 

I texted back "Thursday, April 6th is the anniversary of our first date." She responded "yes, dear."

 

I said "well, what are you doing?"

 

She said "xxxx (my name), I'm busy doing girl things"

 

 

Unfortunately I responded sarcastically and said "whatever that means" then, not getting a reply, about 5 minutes later I said "if you're scheduled almost 2 months out it must be something important. I want to know what it is. This is an important day to me."

 

She replied "I'm spending the 8th, 9th, and half of the 10th with you and your children. I promised xxxxxx we would go out. I've not spent any time with her. We have plans. I'm turning off the lights now"

 

And I responded "goodnight then. I will talk to you later."

 

And then added "I want to talk about my feelings about this whole thing in person on Thursday" (the next time we are tigether)

 

She saw the message but did not respond.

 

About an hour later I texted "and what I can say right now over text is that I love you. Never doubt t that."

 

It was not delivered (her phone is apparently turned off- which she never does)

 

Now I'm finding myself pissed off about this whole exchange tonight after a lovely Valentine's weekend. Firstly, I'm kind of upset about her making plans for our "anniversary" without considering that I might want to do something. She was well aware of the date. Secondly, I'm most upset about the run-around I received when I asked her what her plans were.

 

Somebody please tell me I am in the wrong here to be hurt by this exchange.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Jj66

[smackie9]

Wait til Thursday, and have a reassessment of your relationship with her. Please do express your feelings about it.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I don't think you are wrong for feeling hurt. I would feel the same way in the situation.

 

It isn't just the fact that she doesn't hold the same importance for the anniversary (not everyone is sentimental that way) but the fact that she made plans with a friend so far in advance, and didn't even consider changing it when it became apparent that it meant something to you.

 

I guess there is more to the story. Perhaps she is under stress or feeling overwhelmed for some reason?

 

Hopefully after some time to reflect on the situation she will come round on her own.

[GemmaUK]

To be honest, you'd already planned 8th, 9th & 10th so if I were her I would have assumed the days around that I was free to do my own things and see my friends and that the dates were close enough to the anniversary to celebrate it on those 3 days.

 

You two have planned those dates in advance so planning and arranging to see a friend she hasn't seen in a while sounds fair and a normal thing she would do to me.

 

Maybe you should have specified when planning those 3 dates that you also wanted to see her on 6th?

 

From her responses it sounds like she is feeling a little smothered or that you're trying to monopolise her time a bit or that she feels that you are.

[CaliforniaGirl]

My gosh.

 

I'd be hurt, too.

 

Can't you guys talk this out before Thursday?

[basil67]

It's such an odd exchange.

 

As she's spending the whole weekend following the anniversary with you, I can see why she'd assume the actual day was free. I'm not at all alarmed about that part of the issue. But the way she explained it all was completely inappropriate.

 

Your responses weren't good either, but I can see why you were annoyed.

 

If she had replied with "Yeah, I know it's our anniversary, but as I'm spending the whole weekend with you, I assumed we'd be celebrating it then. I've organised to go out with X friend and we're going to Y and Z on that night. Sorry about the mix up" would you have felt less upset about it all?

 

Is there anything else going on which could account for her dismissive attitude?

[Jj66]

To be honest, you'd already planned 8th, 9th & 10th so if I were her I would have assumed the days around that I was free to do my own things and see my friends and that the dates were close enough to the anniversary to celebrate it on those 3 days.

 

You two have planned those dates in advance so planning and arranging to see a friend she hasn't seen in a while sounds fair and a normal thing she would do to me.

 

Maybe you should have specified when planning those 3 dates that you also wanted to see her on 6th?

 

From her responses it sounds like she is feeling a little smothered or that you're trying to monopolise her time a bit or that she feels that you are.

 

Thank you for responding from a perspective other than mine. I'm struggling to understand hers. I have no trouble seeing my own, of course. Anything different from mine, helps me put myself in her shoes.

 

I will say, that she has more opportunity to see her friend than she has to see me. They live in the same town. They work at the same university. I'm actually a bit skeptical that they couldn't see each other on another day. It's not like an old friend coming in from out of town on a fixed date.

 

As far as monopolizing her time. I have my kids two weeks on and two weeks off. We hardly ever see each other during the two weeks I have my kids. She has ample time away from me. In fact, the 8th, 9th, and half of the 10th I wasn't supposed to have my kids but she wanted to invite them on a trip with us. I arranged a swap with their mother so they could go with us. This was not meant as an "anniversary" trip, but was instead a a requirement of Christmas present from her to me. She bought an experience for me in a city 6-7 hours away and she was trying to find a weekend that I would be free, i.e. When I dint have kids. Laterr on she thought it would be good if my kids could go. I agreed that it would be cool and when I asked the kids they said they wanted to go so I arranged the swap.

 

Maybe she looks at it like it is an anniversary celebration, but I certainly don't. I wouldn't be keen to bring my kids with me for an anniversary trip. But maybe that's a difference between us.

[Jj66]

It's such an odd exchange.

 

As she's spending the whole weekend following the anniversary with you, I can see why she'd assume the actual day was free. I'm not at all alarmed about that part of the issue. But the way she explained it all was completely inappropriate.

 

Your responses weren't good either, but I can see why you were annoyed.

 

If she had replied with "Yeah, I know it's our anniversary, but as I'm spending the whole weekend with you, I assumed we'd be celebrating it then. I've organised to go out with X friend and we're going to Y and Z on that night. Sorry about the mix up" would you have felt less upset about it all?

 

Is there anything else going on which could account for her dismissive attitude?

 

Yes, it's the dismissive attitude that bothers me. It's what raised it from annoyance to being pissed.

[GemmaUK]

So generally she is bound by the times when you do or don't have your kids with you.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that but - she has to fit in with you the majority of the time. That could be the underlying issue possibly.

That makes planning times to see other friends difficult whether they live in the same town or not.

Her friend isn't going to be free necessarily every time she is.

 

I think you should cut her some slack on this one - we all need friends and need time to plan to spend with them. She thought 6th was free so there's nothing wrong with her planning something.

Plus, well for me at least celebrating an anniversary with your children there for an experience day sounds like a great way to celebrate to me!

 

How many times has she met your children? Perhaps she is laying the groundwork for a more relaxed way for you two to date so that she can see you sometimes when you have the children and that she isn't tied to times when you aren't with them?

[TheTraveler]

Wouldn't this have been better done in person instead of via text message?

 

Maybe it's me, but I would never have sent that text which got this all rolling

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for responding from a perspective other than mine. I'm struggling to understand hers. I have no trouble seeing my own, of course. Anything different from mine, helps me put myself in her shoes.

 

I will say, that she has more opportunity to see her friend than she has to see me. They live in the same town. They work at the same university. I'm actually a bit skeptical that they couldn't see each other on another day. It's not like an old friend coming in from out of town on a fixed date.

 

As far as monopolizing her time. I have my kids two weeks on and two weeks off. We hardly ever see each other during the two weeks I have my kids. She has ample time away from me. In fact, the 8th, 9th, and half of the 10th I wasn't supposed to have my kids but she wanted to invite them on a trip with us. I arranged a swap with their mother so they could go with us. This was not meant as an "anniversary" trip, but was instead a a requirement of Christmas present from her to me. She bought an experience for me in a city 6-7 hours away and she was trying to find a weekend that I would be free, i.e. When I dint have kids. Laterr on she thought it would be good if my kids could go. I agreed that it would be cool and when I asked the kids they said they wanted to go so I arranged the swap.

 

Maybe she looks at it like it is an anniversary celebration, but I certainly don't. I wouldn't be keen to bring my kids with me for an anniversary trip. But maybe that's a difference between us.

 

 

some people see anniversaries as only happening after you are married she could very well be in that category to me anniversaries valentines day birthdays ......mothers day and fathers day dont need celebration one day a year it should be a celebration every day of the year.....you don't need to wait to celebrate do it tomorrow do it out of the blue on a tuesday...because tuesdays can be special too...... don't even have plans...just do something special together......and make that a tradition......do you know how anniversaries camme about...i dont not off the top of my head now i have to google it.:0)..but we often follow follow blind traditions we dont even understand....and get hurt when others dont.....make your own traditions together and dont place stock in traditions ........place the reserve for your relationship in general the importance of that relationship to you and how much you love her...

[Jj66]

Wouldn't this have been better done in person instead of via text message?

 

Maybe it's me, but I would never have sent that text which got this all rolling

 

Well, ordinarily I would have called instead of texted but it was on my mind when I knew she couldn't take a call. For better or worse, I chose not to wait to ask her if she was free.

[inigele14u]

It seems that you have a submissive footing in this relationship. She values her friends over you. This should be a red flag, women never schedule things on special days - because they usually expect something attentive and meaningful. But it seems that she may be already receiving this. There are several red flags here, I'd be extra cautious of signs of her cheating. Proceed at your own peril my friend. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Her responses to you come across as quite blunt and short. I can see why you're put off about that. From my point of view, she seemed annoyed for some reason. Has there been any tension between you two recently?

 

You two need to talk in person. To be fair, it's so hard to interpret tone from a text message. I have a close friend who is very short in messages, and has been told countless times how cold/blunt she appears, when that actually is not how she is at all. Several people have become upset at her "tone" when that's simply not how she intends to be. But in the future, don't engage in an argument via text. It's just not the way to voice your feelings, and as you see now, it can become awfully one-sided if the other person just stops responding.

[GemmaUK]

She didn' t just stop responding, she said she was turning the lights out - which to me means 'I'm off to bed and need some sleep'

 

I also don't think there is any cheating going on. I haven't ever placed much value on actual anniversaries/specified dates and especially not when you're constricted by distance or other responsibilities.

To me that would be small stuff to sweat about if we're soon to be seeing each other anyway.

[Jj66]

So generally she is bound by the times when you do or don't have your kids with you.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that but - she has to fit in with you the majority of the time. That could be the underlying issue possibly.

That makes planning times to see other friends difficult whether they live in the same town or not.

Her friend isn't going to be free necessarily every time she is.

 

I think you should cut her some slack on this one - we all need friends and need time to plan to spend with them. She thought 6th was free so there's nothing wrong with her planning something.

Plus, well for me at least celebrating an anniversary with your children there for an experience day sounds like a great way to celebrate to me!

 

How many times has she met your children? Perhaps she is laying the groundwork for a more relaxed way for you two to date so that she can see you sometimes when you have the children and that she isn't tied to times when you aren't with them?

 

I am definitely prepared to cut her some slack on scheduling time with her friend.

 

But it's harder to cut slack on the dismissive attitude, i.e. the run-around she gave me about what she is doing. Why not just tell me? I still don't know what they have planned this far in advance. Is it a concert or something that makes it impossible to reschedule? Or is it just "girl stuff" like she said (that could be done on another day or another week)? If it's not something like a concert, why schedule so far in advance. If it is, then why not tell me what's going on? We have never kept secrets from each other.

 

I guess I will find out more when we talk in person on Thursday.

[GemmaUK]

I am definitely prepared to cut her some slack on scheduling time with her friend.

 

But it's harder to cut slack on the dismissive attitude, i.e. the run-around she gave me about what she is doing. Why not just tell me? I still don't know what they have planned this far in advance. Is it a concert or something that makes it impossible to reschedule? Or is it just "girl stuff" like she said (that could be done on another day or another week)? If it's not something like a concert, why schedule so far in advance. If it is, then why not tell me what's going on? We have never kept secrets from each other.

 

I guess I will find out more when we talk in person on Thursday.

 

They haven't seen each other in a while - -which clearly means that planning to meet has been difficult.

She thought she was free on 6th as when you two planned 8th-10th the 6th wasn't mentioned.

There's no need for you to know exact details - it sounds like you would try to talk her out of it if they are just going for a meal or drinks or something and not a planned ticket deal. That's not fair and would be an attempt to monopolise because you don't see her meet up with her friend as 'important enough' for her not to cancel it just for you.

 

She is perfectly entitled to plan something on 6th - a day which Is 'free' and her friend is free too.

Planning ahead is required often - just to make sure you get to see people.

[Jj66]

Her responses to you come across as quite blunt and short. I can see why you're put off about that. From my point of view, she seemed annoyed for some reason. Has there been any tension between you two recently?

 

You two need to talk in person. To be fair, it's so hard to interpret tone from a text message. I have a close friend who is very short in messages, and has been told countless times how cold/blunt she appears, when that actually is not how she is at all. Several people have become upset at her "tone" when that's simply not how she intends to be. But in the future, don't engage in an argument via text. It's just not the way to voice your feelings, and as you see now, it can become awfully one-sided if the other person just stops responding.

 

There has been ZERO tension between us for months. Things have been terrific. I know she would say the same. We had a fantastic weekend together and she even talked about possibly moving in with me when her lease is up next year.

 

I agree 100% about the tone of texting being difficult to interpret. We have agreed that we won't have any arguments or serious emotional exchanges by text. That's why I said we'd talk about it in person on Thursday. She is often quite blunt when texting. But this just seemed more than blunt. It's almost evasive. She is never evasive.

[Jj66]

They haven't seen each other in a while - -which clearly means that planning to meet has been difficult.

She thought she was free on 6th as when you two planned 8th-10th the 6th wasn't mentioned.

There's no need for you to know exact details - it sounds like you would try to talk her out of it if they are just going for a meal or drinks or something and not a planned ticket deal. That's not fair and would be an attempt to monopolise because you don't see her meet up with her friend as 'important enough' for her not to cancel it just for you.

 

She is perfectly entitled to plan something on 6th - a day which Is 'free' and her friend is free too.

Planning ahead is required often - just to make sure you get to see people.

 

I agree.

 

She's absolutely entitled to make plans.

 

I don't understand the hesitance to share those plans. Why just tell me girl stuff? I've met her friend before. She could have mentioned spending time with X straight off the bat. I've NEVER given her a hard time about her girl time. In fact, she has praised me multiple times for being so understanding about her need to spend time with her friends. I haven't once asked her to break an engagement with her friends to see me or guilted her because she didn't. She frequently tells me how good I am for her I this area. Her hesitation doesn't make sense given the circumstances. And maybe that's something that's troubling me.

[Ronnys93]

I agree.

 

She's absolutely entitled to make plans.

 

I don't understand the hesitance to share those plans. Why just tell me girl stuff? I've met her friend before. She could have mentioned spending time with X straight off the bat. I've NEVER given her a hard time about her girl time. In fact, she has praised me multiple times for being so understanding about her need to spend time with her friends. I haven't once asked her to break an engagement with her friends to see me or guilted her because she didn't. She frequently tells me how good I am for her I this area. Her hesitation doesn't make sense given the circumstances. And maybe that's something that's troubling me.

 

I think you're right to be upset that it doesn't seem like she is showing much interest in the importance of the anniversary. However, I do think you do kind of have to see the bigger picture here, this is something you can discuss in person with her and see if she's willing to compromise in that sense. It seems like you're more upset that you're usually the one being "understanding" and compromising. Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing, but it can be tiresome if it's only on your end. Have a chat with her in person, talk about it and see if you can get her to bend a little. If not, let the water flow under the bridge. It's really not worth losing your relationship over in the grand scheme of things if I'm being honest with you.

[Jj66]

It seems that you have a submissive footing in this relationship. She values her friends over you. This should be a red flag, women never schedule things on special days - because they usually expect something attentive and meaningful. But it seems that she may be already receiving this. There are several red flags here, I'd be extra cautious of signs of her cheating. Proceed at your own peril my friend. Good luck.

 

I am very experienced with cheating. She's not cheating. I'm certain of that.

 

Yes, she does value her friends a lot. I support that wholeheartedly. I have no doubt that if I asked her to cancel with xxxxxx she would do it. However, my ex wife made me choose between her and my friends. I will never do that to someone.

 

Submissive footing? That's a matter of opinion. I am probably submissive in some areas and definitely dominant in others.

 

I think you're right to be upset that it doesn't seem like she is showing much interest in the importance of the anniversary. However, I do think you do kind of have to see the bigger picture here, this is something you can discuss in person with her and see if she's willing to compromise in that sense. It seems like you're more upset that you're usually the one being "understanding" and compromising. Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing, but it can be tiresome if it's only on your end. Have a chat with her in person, talk about it and see if you can get her to bend a little. If not, let the water flow under the bridge. It's really not worth losing your relationship over in the grand scheme of things if I'm being honest with you.

 

I'm looking forward to the in-person discussion. The reason to post here was to avoid emotional text discussions and try to get a handle on her possible perspective ahead of that in-person discussion in three days. Her scheduling time with a friend on a certain day when we didn't already have plans is certainly not something worth losing the relationship over.

[Sweetfish]

To be honest I would not escalate this situation. I am a big advocate of proper communication in a relationship; however in certain times in the relationship silence is golden.

 

 

The best thing to do if you can...and I know its hard. Is regulate any anger or dissatisfaction you have right now.

 

You need to step back and look at what you are doing... are you doing all the monkey work and monkey motions. Think about it...?

 

Did you buy her something for Christmas?

What did you do for new years?

You did something for valentines day.

Now your next big thing is he anniversary.

 

It may appear nice and good on paper...but now your kinda getting upset with her when she is with her friends for a day... when she is spending time with you on the other days after the 6.

 

So now your overbearing and slightly controlling. You have her in a cage...I not saying you are.. Im just saying in her perspective it may appear your being "too close" (not giving her room to breathe) now your plan is to unload your "feelings" on her and this is going to make her feel guilty and this guilt will make her feel like your invading her friendship with her friend she may not hang around with often.

 

So what sweetfish is saying... Your digging your self a hole and not realizing your talk with her thursday is going to devalue you and the relationship and any male friends or exciting ideas in her "orbit" will increasing seem more attractive.

 

 

Your are ultimately shifting the power of the relationship in the back of her pocket.

 

 

The best thing to have done was to blow off the anniversary and do your own thing that day. Her lost. What was the worse that was going to happen?

 

Now your in a gridlock.. You can't back peddle now and expressing your feelings now she will believe she cannot reciprocate the love your giving to her.

 

Are you doing all the romantic ***?

 

If so... I advise you to stop and rethink what your doing.

[GoldSparkz]

I agree.

 

She's absolutely entitled to make plans.

 

I don't understand the hesitance to share those plans. Why just tell me girl stuff? I've met her friend before. She could have mentioned spending time with X straight off the bat. I've NEVER given her a hard time about her girl time. In fact, she has praised me multiple times for being so understanding about her need to spend time with her friends. I haven't once asked her to break an engagement with her friends to see me or guilted her because she didn't. She frequently tells me how good I am for her I this area. Her hesitation doesn't make sense given the circumstances. And maybe that's something that's troubling me.

 

Could it be that she doesn't place that much value on anniversary celebrations? Which could explain her dismissive attitude towards the subject? If this is the case, then you may be reading too much into this.

 

Also, you mentioned that she was very accommodating to your kids when she made those plans around Christmas, which wasn't that long ago, so it doesn't sound like a feelings would change so soon.

 

From reading your above comment, could it be that you are over analysing the situation?

[Tribble]

I understand you're upset. I like to do nice things on special events too. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a first date anniversary. This would not be a special event to me (although I see why it could be). As such, she may have just scheduled the friend thing. Some things are very difficult over text and you got quite pushy and she got closed up and stubborn. You both annoyed each other by the sound of things. What shouldn't even be a blip blew up.

 

I don't know why she won't tell you what she's doing with her friend. The only thing I could think was that it's a secret of the friends. That your gf is supporting her with something that the friend has asked her not to say anything about. An appointment or something. In that case, I wouldn't tell my bf what it was. I wouldn't want to lie, so I'd evade. It would look fishy but I wouldn't betray the confidence of my friend. I could be completely wrong but we're all guessing here!

[Jj66]

To be honest I would not escalate this situation. I am a big advocate of proper communication in a relationship; however in certain times in the relationship silence is golden.

 

 

The best thing to do if you can...and I know its hard. Is regulate any anger or dissatisfaction you have right now.

 

You need to step back and look at what you are doing... are you doing all the monkey work and monkey motions. Think about it...?

 

Did you buy her something for Christmas?

What did you do for new years?

You did something for valentines day.

Now your next big thing is he anniversary.

 

It may appear nice and good on paper...but now your kinda getting upset with her when she is with her friends for a day... when she is spending time with you on the other days after the 6.

 

So now your overbearing and slightly controlling. You have her in a cage...I not saying you are.. Im just saying in her perspective it may appear your being "too close" (not giving her room to breathe) now your plan is to unload your "feelings" on her and this is going to make her feel guilty and this guilt will make her feel like your invading her friendship with her friend she may not hang around with often.

 

So what sweetfish is saying... Your digging your self a hole and not realizing your talk with her thursday is going to devalue you and the relationship and any male friends or exciting ideas in her "orbit" will increasing seem more attractive.

 

 

Your are ultimately shifting the power of the relationship in the back of her pocket.

 

 

The best thing to have done was to blow off the anniversary and do your own thing that day. Her lost. What was the worse that was going to happen?

 

Now your in a gridlock.. You can't back peddle now and expressing your feelings now she will believe she cannot reciprocate the love your giving to her.

 

Are you doing all the romantic ***?

 

If so... I advise you to stop and rethink what your doing.

 

Could it be that she doesn't place that much value on anniversary celebrations? Which could explain her dismissive attitude towards the subject? If this is the case, then you may be reading too much into this.

 

Also, you mentioned that she was very accommodating to your kids when she made those plans around Christmas, which wasn't that long ago, so it doesn't sound like a feelings would change so soon.

 

From reading your above comment, could it be that you are over analysing the situation?

 

I understand you're upset. I like to do nice things on special events too. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a first date anniversary. This would not be a special event to me (although I see why it could be). As such, she may have just scheduled the friend thing. Some things are very difficult over text and you got quite pushy and she got closed up and stubborn. You both annoyed each other by the sound of things. What shouldn't even be a blip blew up.

 

I don't know why she won't tell you what she's doing with her friend. The only thing I could think was that it's a secret of the friends. That your gf is supporting her with something that the friend has asked her not to say anything about. An appointment or something. In that case, I wouldn't tell my bf what it was. I wouldn't want to lie, so I'd evade. It would look fishy but I wouldn't betray the confidence of my friend. I could be completely wrong but we're all guessing here!

 

I feel a lot better after sleeping on it. Being completely sober helps too.

 

I wasn't planning to do all the romantic ***. Unless you call going to see a game on a local team's opening day romantic ***. For an early date she took me to a game on the home opening weekend last year and we had a really great time both during and after the game. I guess remembering that fondly could be considered romantic ***.

 

She almost always sends me a good morning text before I wake up. This morning it was a bit business like. She was obviously trying not to escalate.

 

"Good morning, my love. I understand you want your feelings to be known. I also understand that you respect my feelings. Happy Valentine's Day. "

 

When I woke up I texted back. Happy Valentine's Day.

 

And then

 

"No problem with you scheduling some time with your friend so no need to fear Thursday. I want to talk about how our texting went down last night. I had a bit of wine in me from [poker night at mutual friends' house] and think that I contributed to a negative interaction between us. We don't have many. I like that. "

 

She replied "chuckling. Xxxx, you are always well meaning. I know this about you. What did xxxxx cook last night?"

 

And then me: "lasagna, but not as good as yours. I was gonna invite you to opening night [of a local team]. It's April 6th. But if you already have plans with xxxxxx, I will go with the guys or do something else. I do want some more of your to-die-for lasagna again soon. Have a fabtabulous day. TTYL. [heart emoji]"

Edited February 14, 2017 by Jj66