Jump to content

That Magic Number...


thecrucible

Recommended Posts

You know when you're out with a guy and you think 'Hey this feels like it's going well' and then out of the blue he asks you that dreaded question 'How many guys have you been with?'.

 

This happened again a few days ago. I ended up going for drinks with this guy I know from tennis club. We went to a gig and kissed a few times on the walk home. I had to move his hands off my butt. He asked me how many guys I'd slept with and I watched his expression change when we talked about it. I sometimes think that guys see you as potential then they treat you like a piece of meat if they find out you've slept with more people than them. I mean to me sex isn't a competition and it makes no difference to the kind of person that I am.

 

My last boyfriend who turned out to be a bit of a jerk (I posted about him on here) just couldn't deal with it. He wanted every scenario in my sexual history to be one where maybe I got hurt and it didn't work out and got used and that was why the number was higher than he wanted it to be. He wouldn't like it if say some of those experiences were ones that were short term relationships that weren't going to go anywhere but also didn't hurt me and were fully consensual.

 

I've not slept with anyone in almost 3 years because I haven't found someone I trust. I talked to one of my besties about this last night and she told me my number was "pretty average these days" and "nothing to worry about". Nothing makes me feel more gross and unattractive than a guy who tries it on in that way. It makes me feel ugly and undesirable.

 

I was texting the guy I mentioned in the second paragraph (well Facebook IM not texting) and just cringed with the "want me to strip or something?" message I just got from him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey crucible! :D

 

Omg guys actually ask you that??? Wtf???

 

If a guy does that again, tell them its none of their business

 

Sounds like the guys you've dated are really insecure if they're going to treat you differently based on the number of guys you've slept with

 

That question really shouldnt come up until you're in a serious relationship and even then (as long as you used protection) it shouldnt matter

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hey crucible! :D

 

Omg guys actually ask you that??? Wtf???

 

Yeah it's happened a few times. I hate it :sick:

 

Sounds like the guys you've dated are really insecure if they're going to treat you differently based on the number of guys you've slept with

 

That question really shouldnt come up until you're in a serious relationship and even then (as long as you used protection) it shouldnt matter

 

Thanks. I hope it's just them. It does make you wonder if a lot of guys will be the same. The guy I mentioned in this post, he was proper putting me off. A relative of mine is currently in hospital and worrying me and that guy was pestering me with those texts at the same time. I've had to keep it civil because I'll see him in the club next week. I never had to deal with guys like that when I was a teenager. It's all happening now in my twenties. It's so hard to find a genuine guy these days.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah it's happened a few times. I hate it :sick:

 

 

 

Thanks. I hope it's just them. It does make you wonder if a lot of guys will be the same. The guy I mentioned in this post, he was proper putting me off. A relative of mine is currently in hospital and worrying me and that guy was pestering me with those texts at the same time. I've had to keep it civil because I'll see him in the club next week. I never had to deal with guys like that when I was a teenager. It's all happening now in my twenties. It's so hard to find a genuine guy these days.

 

Jeez, I'm sorry girl

 

IME, men in their 20's can be pretty immature (not all) but a lot of them

 

You're 27???

 

Maybe try men in their 30's

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If a guy asks you that it's a good indication you shouldn't be dating him, or even talking to him.

 

We all have a history, and it's nobody else's business.

 

Life is a journey, and it's personal.

 

If someone comes into your life, and has the potential to enrich it, history doesn't matter because it only exists in the past.

 

Live for the now, you can't change the past and you don't know what the future holds.

 

Don't speculate on why a guy asks you that question, just know he's a jerk.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

I brush it off with an I don't kiss & tell attitude.

 

 

My standard answer has always been: "Enough so I know what I like & what I'm doing but not so many that I can't look myself in the mirror." If the guy pushed for more detailed specifics I'd ask why he wanted to know & continue to deflect. If he didn't give up the Q, I gave him up.

 

 

The # only leads to problems.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
If a guy asks you that it's a good indication you shouldn't be dating him, or even talking to him.

 

We all have a history, and it's nobody else's business.

 

Life is a journey, and it's personal.

 

If someone comes into your life, and has the potential to enrich it, history doesn't matter because it only exists in the past.

 

Live for the now, you can't change the past and you don't know what the future holds.

 

Don't speculate on why a guy asks you that question, just know he's a jerk.

 

Early on its inappropriate. But in a relationship it's a fair question. It tells a lot about the character of someone.

 

If the answer to the question is 1000, that would impact many guys thoughts of you.

 

If you don't want to share you are obviously bothered by the number.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
If you don't want to share you are obviously bothered by the number.

 

 

Not necessarily but I value privacy.

 

 

Somebody who is bothered by my desire to keep some things to myself is not a good match for me.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Jeez, I'm sorry girl

 

IME, men in their 20's can be pretty immature (not all) but a lot of them

 

You're 27???

 

Maybe try men in their 30's

 

LOL... I've had men in their late 30's and 40's ask me this :rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Early on its inappropriate. But in a relationship it's a fair question. It tells a lot about the character of someone.

 

If the answer to the question is 1000, that would impact many guys thoughts of you.

 

If you don't want to share you are obviously bothered by the number.

 

I would always try to be honest with a guy I was in a serious relationship with. I wouldn't necessarily tell him every detail. I mean I don't want to be cruel to him and I'm not interested in knowing much about his exes.

 

Well that guy just got me thinking 'cause he said "oh double figures?". I'm only just into double figures but it was like that number was significant to him for some reason.

 

Not bothered about sharing. As I've said above, I'd rather just say. But it's the being pigeon-holed by your number thing I don't like. I suppose I can't complain too much as people will think what they think and I'm not going to argue with someone about their point of view.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I brush it off with an I don't kiss & tell attitude.

 

 

My standard answer has always been: "Enough so I know what I like & what I'm doing but not so many that I can't look myself in the mirror." If the guy pushed for more detailed specifics I'd ask why he wanted to know & continue to deflect. If he didn't give up the Q, I gave him up.

 

 

The # only leads to problems.

 

I must remember your standard answer for next time. Thank you!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77

Don't feel like you have to answer the question if you don't want to, OP.

 

I've never been asked nor have I ever asked because I don't care and I don't want to be with someone who cares; so I guess if a guy asks, I already know we are incompatible (and this has nothing whatsoever to do with my own personal number, which is private and which I have never shared with anyone).

 

It reflects exactly zero on your character and personality - people can be loyal, cheating azzholes, great or poor lovers and dysfunctional sexual deviants at any number.

 

If a guy wants to know, he'll judge you for it no matter what, be it because you fit his criteria (between 0 and much less than him is the insecure guy's ideal scenario) or because your number is over his arbitrary threshold (which could be anything at all) - that's not a position I want to be put in either way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just don't answer if you don't want. Never asked a woman that question before and have a hard time understanding why a lot of men do. I wouldn't answer it if I was asked because I don't think it's anyone's business but that's me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear

Funny story...A guy I knew had a "test"....If he took a new woman out on a date, he always picked a nice restaurant...If she ordered her food without worrying that he'd think she was a pig, then he thought those women put out easily...the one's that ordered carefully and light, were usually the ones that didn't...:laugh:

 

A guy probably shouldn't ask....but if you respond"none of your business" he'll likely assume you had the entire football team before you graduated HS and just went nuts from there...

 

Because that's how a a lot of guys minds work....

 

I guess its a tough thing...You could lie...*shrug*..

 

I say just go with your gut and don't be evasive...If it bothers you that they asked, well...I guess you have to decide if its a thing that will kill it or not...

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would always try to be honest with a guy I was in a serious relationship with. I wouldn't necessarily tell him every detail. I mean I don't want to be cruel to him and I'm not interested in knowing much about his exes.

 

Well that guy just got me thinking 'cause he said "oh double figures?". I'm only just into double figures but it was like that number was significant to him for some reason.

 

Not bothered about sharing. As I've said above, I'd rather just say. But it's the being pigeon-holed by your number thing I don't like. I suppose I can't complain too much as people will think what they think and I'm not going to argue with someone about their point of view.

 

That's a healthy attitude. I still think the question is not appropriate unless you are in or debating on a LTR.

 

If I'm serious about a girl I would want her to be honest. Deflecting is fine if you do not value trust and openness in a relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The right guy, say in his late 30's ;) wouldn't be intimidated by a high number. Now, I don't ask on a first date. Early on, I asked with the last 2 girls I was seriously interested in because the sex was so damn good. It was clear both her(them) and I knew what we were doing.

 

In fact, I'm quite happy with a girl who's highly sexual and has a considerable history. I rather a girl have lots of experience that leads to us having great sex today, versus inexperienced and poor sex now. Also, I find these women are more comfortable with my experience as well. Women get intimidated too!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey crucible! :D

 

Omg guys actually ask you that??? Wtf???

 

If a guy does that again, tell them its none of their business

 

Sounds like the guys you've dated are really insecure if they're going to treat you differently based on the number of guys you've slept with

 

That question really shouldnt come up until you're in a serious relationship and even then (as long as you used protection) it shouldnt matter

 

Guy here and I totally agree with the above.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot

I'm pretty sure anybody that would ask that would be put off if the number was more than zero! They may say otherwise, but I wouldn't believe them myself.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You should revise the question into their plate and say how many women have they been with. Put them on the spot. That's your past, whoever asked you that question wasn't a part of your life back then. You don't have to answer their question. Only if you want too but sounds like you don't. I really don't care to know but most like to share. The main concern is how many times have you been married. Seems what is major today than how many partners have you had?

Link to post
Share on other sites

My view on it is... if a someone wants to know because it's their criteria to date a lower numbers they can can ask to make a decision. Contrary to many comments here, I don't begrudge these people for asking. It could be a religious background, a pulse on a person's promiscuity, avoidance of the number of stds from higher numbers and potential contraction via exposure, (common sense after all), the fact that some may not simply like the idea (possibly feeling too many partners may be indicative that they cheapen the act) and yes, insecurity. In short, never assume.

 

Of course if they ask, you're free to have your criteria as well and hit the road.

 

In the end, some people may ask because they want to weed things out because life is too short.

 

I've asked in the past before ( as a younger guy) the hot and heavy and I don't consider myself "insecure." After all, knowing is half the battle and people sometimes like knowing the mileage on a car.

Edited by fireflywy
Link to post
Share on other sites
Early on its inappropriate. But in a relationship it's a fair question. It tells a lot about the character of someone.

 

If the answer to the question is 1000, that would impact many guys thoughts of you.

 

If you don't want to share you are obviously bothered by the number.

 

She's bothered by the number? That is ridiculous. I'd think more highly of a woman who laughed in the face of a man who asked that lame question than one who answered him. It's none of his business.

 

IMO any man who asks a woman that question at any time in their relationship is too insecure to be dating at all. Ladies: Run, run, run, and find yourself a man who's not scared of your past.

 

Also, sexual activity does not indicate the quality of a person's character. A low number of sex partners does not equal good character, and a high number doesn't equal good.

 

People who have similar value systems around sex are compatible; for example a person who wants to wait until marriage to have sex would probably not be at ease with someone who'd been a sexual adventurer. That works both ways and it's something that people will find out about each other as they're dating.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been around and done some swinging. My number is no longer definitively known. Drunken orgies can be a blur. Not that there were a LOT of those.

 

I'm close to 50. I usually point out that I was in the military, which means 90% of my workplace was male and in good shape. "I had a lot of fun in my early to mid 20s. I never cheated when I was married. I've been single a very long time and had two fwb in the last 14 years."

 

It's not completely true, but it's as close as they're going to get.

 

Personally, I wish that I could find someone who had done some swinging in their past as well. It's a bonus when I don't have to hide what I've done. I'm not a vanilla of vanilla judgments. While my number isn't 1000 and probably is barely triple digits, that doesn't mean I'm not loyal.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I accept that people will have their own opinion on my sexual history. That's just life. I agree with others that while I'll always ask honestly, I'd rather be asked that question further into getting to know someone. I have been a monogamist in the main and there have been relationships that didn't go long-term for whatever reason but I don't see that I should have been with them for longer because we had slept together.

 

Anyway just for example, there was a guy I was with for a few months and he was honestly a better person than another guy I had been with for over a year and was abusive to me. Sometimes the short term relationships are more meaningful than longer ones. I'd hope the right guy for me would look at it in a more nuanced way. I come across as shy and sweet to a lot of guys so they tend to think I'll have a low number. I've not even done the deed in three years now. I don't want to settle for less than a man respecting and caring about me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...