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Am I Being A Hyporcite?


OatsAndHall

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I am in a committed relationship right now with a good woman. However, we split for awhile because she can be very negative. She does have good reason to be stressed and negative as she is working full time, going to school and dealing with an illness in her family. But, we broke up a few months ago because she really wasn't trying to fix the issues she had control over. She was proactive when I would get be blunt with her about working on the issues. We split up because I was in a foul mood one afternoon, she was complaining about something and I became reactive and told her to either fix it or stop talking about it. It was wrong of me to get so angry with her but she called it off.

 

Flash forward to the present time. I apologized to her for being rude to her at the time and that it wouldn't happen again. She acknowledged that she needed to try and look at things in a more positive light. We have had a nice balance over the last two months: we will vent to one another when we need to and really focus on being calm and proactive about whatever is bothering us.

 

I am in a terrible mood today. It has been a long, crappy few weeks of work and the stress has been mounting and mounting. I really let loose via text this morning about everything as it is all coming to a head. She is having a hard time with the family illness and other things right now and I have been listening to her intently and being supportive. She told me via text this morning that she couldn't talk to me right now as she is in a bad place and my foul mood is making it worse. She asked me if I was upset with her over it and I told her I was but that we would talk about it later as I needed to calm down.

 

So, I really don't know what to say to her when we do talk. On one hand, I got on her a few months ago because her issues were dragging me down but I recognized that it was wrong of me to be rude about it. She was open and honest with me about it this morning, which I respect but I'm angry as I have been letting her vent while trying to build her up at the same time...

 

She obviously knows that I am upset about this but I am at a loss as to what to say. I don't even know if there is anything to say.

 

P.S.: Please don't tell me that my course of action is to call it off with her. I am not blind to what has happened over the last few months but I love her, she's a good, caring woman and I will work things out the best I can.

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I'll never forget the words of a social worker when my mom was dying of cancer... My family was struggling to deal with the stress of her illness and people were grieving in very different ways...

 

She simply reminded us to be kind to each other. And, everytime someone would do something that made me upset or angry, I would remind myself that they were doing the best they could in a very difficult situation and I would remind myself "be kind to each other."

 

Life is hard, there is no doubt about it. It's nice to have the support of a partner, this is what good relationships should be all about. But, neither one of you have the right to dump your emotional baggage on the other, at any time. We all need to do our best to self manage our emotions and behavior, such that we can love and support each other in a healthy way...

 

I'm not saying that you haven't both done that these last few weeks. This is just a gentle reminder to keep working through it as best you can and respect the fact that you are both dealing with some pretty difficult and stressful stuff right now. Maybe it's not that she didn't want to hear your concerns and offer support, but maybe she just couldn't hear your concerns and support you in that moment... given all that she is dealing with and feeling right now. You just done know - no doubt, she is doing the very best she can to deal with the challenges she is dealing with too.

 

But you can never go wrong when you remember at the end of the day, life is hard and we should always try to be kind to each other during the most difficult times.

 

Best wishes.

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I am in a committed relationship right now with a good woman. However, we split for awhile because she can be very negative. She does have good reason to be stressed and negative as she is working full time, going to school and dealing with an illness in her family. But, we broke up a few months ago because she really wasn't trying to fix the issues she had control over. She was proactive when I would get be blunt with her about working on the issues. We split up because I was in a foul mood one afternoon, she was complaining about something and I became reactive and told her to either fix it or stop talking about it. It was wrong of me to get so angry with her but she called it off.

 

Flash forward to the present time. I apologized to her for being rude to her at the time and that it wouldn't happen again. She acknowledged that she needed to try and look at things in a more positive light. We have had a nice balance over the last two months: we will vent to one another when we need to and really focus on being calm and proactive about whatever is bothering us.

 

I am in a terrible mood today. It has been a long, crappy few weeks of work and the stress has been mounting and mounting. I really let loose via text this morning about everything as it is all coming to a head. She is having a hard time with the family illness and other things right now and I have been listening to her intently and being supportive. She told me via text this morning that she couldn't talk to me right now as she is in a bad place and my foul mood is making it worse. She asked me if I was upset with her over it and I told her I was but that we would talk about it later as I needed to calm down.

 

So, I really don't know what to say to her when we do talk. On one hand, I got on her a few months ago because her issues were dragging me down but I recognized that it was wrong of me to be rude about it. She was open and honest with me about it this morning, which I respect but I'm angry as I have been letting her vent while trying to build her up at the same time...

 

She obviously knows that I am upset about this but I am at a loss as to what to say. I don't even know if there is anything to say.

 

P.S.: Please don't tell me that my course of action is to call it off with her. I am not blind to what has happened over the last few months but I love her, she's a good, caring woman and I will work things out the best I can.

 

I will work things out the best I can -- Said every man or woman who knows that they don't have a good, compatible relationship and promises to do better, only to revert back to "their old ways" after a period of time passes.

 

and I will work things out the best I can -- You can do all the work if you want . . . but each time she doesn't do her part, you will feel more and more resentful and be a crappy mood more and more often. Negativity begets negativity. It feeds off itself.

 

Please don't tell me that my course of action is to call it off with her. I am not blind -- Ok, I won't tell you to call it off with her. You should keep doing the best you can until . . . you can't anymore.

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We're all human. Stuff happens. It's not so much what happens in a sressfull moment but what the relationship is over time.

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I'm not sure how you both handled it this time is a bad thing. She recognized this would be too much for you and you were reaching your limit, and you didn't escalate and just let her get some space.

 

I think once the crisis has passed, ask her if that works okay for her.

 

I'm hoping that once the family issues resolve she'll be less troubled. It is very hard to juggle work and bad family issues. I know I was ready to take everyone's head off when it was time to get my dad into a nursing home, and everyone was looking to me to kind of lead, and I was already prior to that in a major depression. I got some valium from the doctor to just take for when I had to go out of town and deal with these hard family matters.

 

I wouldn't bring this up with her, but does she get any physical exercise? Because when you're super stressed out, it helps drain some of it to do some aerobic or even stretching exercise.

 

You know, men are much more about "fix it or forget it" than women are. It seems frustrating to men to have problems they can't just fix. But life is full of those kinds of problems. She needs to be able to vent to someone, so I'm glad you're trying to be supportive. I think she knows you have your limits though. You have bad days too. I agree if there's anything she can fix, she needs to focus on fixing it.

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I guess I am frustrated because I have been focused on staying positive about things over the last few weeks. She will ask me how I am doing and I will either play down how crappy I am feeling or I won't tell her at all. I am trying not to be resentful of this right now as it is my choice and there are times when I need to deal with their problems without complaining. I know she is dealing with a lot right now but I am upset because I feel like there's a lack of reciprocation. I have stood firmly by her side throughout everything that has been going on, even when I was stressed though the gills.

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This is what me and my husband do....after work, we both crack a beer, and vent for about 10 mins. That's it. We move on from it and have another beer, then dinner, have a de-stressing nap.

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I have been plugging in 60+ hour work weeks and trying to finish my masters degree. And, I've been plugging in time for exercise as that is what really helps me unwind. I'm used to working long hours and doing my homework, but I had three situations pop up last week that put me over the edge. These are the things that she knows about.

 

She doesn't know that I have a tough decision to make in a few weeks regarding the house I own with my ex-wife. I have to decide if I am going to keep my name on the mortgage if the bank won't let her refinance in her own name. That is a long story, there's a lot wrapped up in it and something that I am working through. I don't discuss these kinds of matters with her as they aren't her problem and I won't dump b.s. from my former marriage on her.

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Just me but, maybe it would be better if you both just took a break to clear up all the things that are causing the stress. Start fresh when everything is said and done, instead of forcing yourself to stay in a relationship.

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This is what me and my husband do....after work, we both crack a beer, and vent for about 10 mins. That's it. We move on from it and have another beer, then dinner, have a de-stressing nap.

 

I agree. Set a plan and boundaries about venting and being negative. What about also focusing on seeing each other for a while only in positive situations where you won't be thinking about your problems in your own lives? Go see comedy shows, take some yoga classes together, get out of town for a weekend. Placing yourself in a positive environment can have real great effects on your mood.

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I guess I am frustrated because I have been focused on staying positive about things over the last few weeks. She will ask me how I am doing and I will either play down how crappy I am feeling or I won't tell her at all. I am trying not to be resentful of this right now as it is my choice and there are times when I need to deal with their problems without complaining. I know she is dealing with a lot right now but I am upset because I feel like there's a lack of reciprocation. I have stood firmly by her side throughout everything that has been going on, even when I was stressed though the gills.

 

If there's a mistake you're making, it's feeling like you have to hold it in so that you're not, as you say, "negative." Bad things happen in life, and there is literally NO point to putting a positive spin on them. It's called reality. You are not doing either of you any favors by pretending to be positive when you are clearly NOT positive and in fact very stirred up. It is doubly unfair to ask her to pretend to be positive instead of venting in a bad situation.

 

Between the two of you, her venting about a difficult time instead of pretending it's positive is the more healthy of the two. There is literally nothing more negative than criticizing someone for "being negative." I know you're trying to outwardly be supportive, but you should at least admit to yourself that you are feeling very negative yourself. It's frustrating to someone with problems when you want to gloss over them by trying to find a positive spin or saying it will be fine. That's not helpful. Because it sounds like you just don't want to hear it or else don't consider it's a serious problem.

 

One other tip is some people want advice and other don't. Find out if she just wants you to listen, or if she wants advice.

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Just me but, maybe it would be better if you both just took a break to clear up all the things that are causing the stress. Start fresh when everything is said and done, instead of forcing yourself to stay in a relationship.

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel here. I will be done with this long hours in a few weeks and my Masters will be done in a month or so. And, the situation with the house will be resolved. I will keep my name on the mortgage if my ex-wife needs more time. My GF's life will slow down significantly within the next few months as well once she's finished with her schooling. Her father's illness ceased to be life threatening after his last surgery so that is calming down too. We're in a LDR until July and I know that isn't helping things.

 

I have been spun out this week as I have had to make two Child Protective Services call because a few of my students have terrible home lives. And, I got stuck dealing with a situation where one of my students is stalking another one. This is nothing new to me as I have taught for a long time but I always struggle with it. I can leave most work crap at work but these are the situations that take me a little while to bounce back from.

 

She did text me earlier and ask me if we could work through things. I told her that I loved her but that I needed to clear my head a bit and I didn't want to have a conversation that would leave us both angry. I was still a bit upset about all of it and didn't want to end up in a bad conversation where I was pointing fingers.

 

She didn't care for that response.. So, I think this will take some time to get resolved.

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If there's a mistake you're making, it's feeling like you have to hold it in so that you're not, as you say, "negative." Bad things happen in life, and there is literally NO point to putting a positive spin on them. It's called reality. You are not doing either of you any favors by pretending to be positive when you are clearly NOT positive and in fact very stirred up. It is doubly unfair to ask her to pretend to be positive instead of venting in a bad situation.

 

Between the two of you, her venting about a difficult time instead of pretending it's positive is the more healthy of the two. There is literally nothing more negative than criticizing someone for "being negative." I know you're trying to outwardly be supportive, but you should at least admit to yourself that you are feeling very negative yourself. It's frustrating to someone with problems when you want to gloss over them by trying to find a positive spin or saying it will be fine. That's not helpful. Because it sounds like you just don't want to hear it or else don't consider it's a serious problem.

 

One other tip is some people want advice and other don't. Find out if she just wants you to listen, or if she wants advice.

 

I have made it clear that she can vent to me and I haven't been dishing out advice. We talked about that when we got back together as I know that I do push to "fix things". But, with that being said, she also acknowledged that she has to be proactive and solve the issues she can. But, you're right, we have both made the mistake of trying to sugar coat things for one another.

 

I am going to go watch the Superbowl in a little bit, wind down some more and I'll handle all of this later.

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Saw your post above. Thanks for taking the time to get involved in those kids' lives.

 

Thanks. I have been doing it a long time and I am not jaded to the point where it stops bothering me.

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Wow. It sounds like you have so much stress to deal with and I don't know you handle because I know I'm not very good at dealing with stress. I can also see that you obviously have a caring personality and maybe you feel the burden of other people's woes and also take it on as your concern.

 

I know people like venting to their partners but there has to be a limit, as another poster has said here. You both need to be able to share realities in your lives but self-regulate at the same time.

 

Maybe you can explain to her that you're sorry if you came across too harshly but you feel overwhelmed and it's not a good time for you either. I agree with the poster here who recommended keeping the time you spend together as fun as possible so it can be a distraction.

 

I can be quite emotional and I think when you are an emotional person the downside is that it can wear on people around you who don't feel as much need for support as you. I mean part of the reason I go on here is so I can say stuff here first and then come back to reality feeling a bit calmer. I wonder if there is any external support your partner can seek to help balance things out a bit?

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"Fix it or stop talking about it" is how my husband and I deal with the type of situation you're in, so I don't think you're out of line at all. Sure, we all have bad days now and then and need to vent to our partners and this should go both ways. But when the complaints continue and the situation *can* be changed, we do exactly what you say. We either stop complaining or change the situation.

 

I tell you, if I ever complain about my waistline, hubby will reply with "go and exercise". And he's right.

 

If the situation can't be changed and the burden is heavy, that's where friends and counsellors come in. While it's reasonable for our partner to know what's going on, it's not fair to expect them to take on all the heavy stuff for us.

 

And FWIW, I'd be really concerned about the state of our relationship if my husband felt that he couldn't tell me about house drama going on with an ex.

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I guess I was blind sided by this because I don't think I do a ton of venting. I generally hit the gym pretty had when I am feeling really stressed out and that keeps me in check. I go out for a walk, at the very least. I was certainly on a roll this morning because I didn't sleep well and was in a bad mood.

 

Here's the typical extent of my "negativity":

 

Her: "How're you feeling?"

Me: "I'm really worn out right now because of ____, but I'll be alright. I'll get to the gym tonight, get some sleep and feel better."

 

Or

 

Her: "How was work today?"

Me: "Honestly, it was a long day.. ____ happened and it's got me in a bad mood. A round of video games tonight is in order."

 

We talked about it early this evening and she said that she was frustrated with how "aggressive" and "angry" I was when I was venting this morning and she didn't like that. Now, that concerns me as I was griping via text (no tone or body language), I wasn't using foul language and I wasn't attacking her or anyone else. I was just letting loose about all of the crap that had gone on.

 

And, she was upset that I asked for some space after she told me I was dragging her down. She said that it bothered her that she could make me so angry that I didn't want to talk to her. I explained that I needed some breathing room to collect myself, go for a walk and get myself back in check. I explained to her that I wasn't going to discuss the situation when I was still angry as it wouldn't have accomplished anything. She can't understand where I am coming from with this. That's just Communication 101 for me: don't try and solve an issue until you've cleared your head.

 

I am not angry right now but I am starting to doubt my future with her.

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How long have the two of you been together?

 

I do think that your behaviour might have come across as slightly hypocritical. Being able to support each other through times of stress is part of a good relationship IMO. So I think she should have been more supportive and showed more empathy towards your current situation, but you had already set the benchmark by not showing her the sort of empathy that you'd desire, earlier in the R when she was the one who was stressed. Yes, you said you apologized for that, but it doesn't change the fact that you are expecting something that you were not willing to give.

 

Do you have any current opportunities to be the kind of partner to her that you'd want her to be to you? Meaning, can you show her that you're now willing to sympathize with her more, so it won't seem so hypocritical to expect that of her? I know it's tough with everything you're going through now, but unless you want to call it quits (which you said you didn't), someone has to break the vicious cycle.

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