Why Men Don't Ask Questions...

[thecrucible]

I just had a first meet with this guy from POF and we spent a couple of hours together having drinks. I did notice that he didn't ask a lot of questions about me. I kind of pointed it out but in a playful way, not a rude one. He didn't come across as self-absorbed or anything at all like that but it was just difficult to progress the conversation. I'd respond to things he said then offer up various tidbits of information about me that I hoped would segue into him asking something about what I had just said but it didn't happen that way. There would be some awkward silences when I decided I didn't want to keep leading the conversation so I sat back to see what he would do. I had to ask him directly "is there anything you'd like to know about me?". I'm not trying to hold him to unreasonable standards, but I do have male friends who are good at conversational back and forth in their own ways. Also I don't want it to go to the other extreme and have a conversation which only consists of questions being asked and answered or ask questions as a test (not something I do).

 

Actually come to think of it, there have probably been plenty of guys like that who I have been on 1-2 dates with but I didn't necessarily notice it because they made quick moves on me so my brain was distracted. No, they weren't long term dating material.

 

I don't know why this is important to me but hey, I just discovered that it is. The closest relationship I've had so far to marriage, it all started with us talking (actually it was all night) and discovering our connection; then we dated for 3 years after that.

 

Do you think some guys are just not into questions or not interested?

[Versacehottie]

I just had a first meet with this guy from POF and we spent a couple of hours together having drinks. I did notice that he didn't ask a lot of questions about me. I kind of pointed it out but in a playful way, not a rude one. He didn't come across as self-absorbed or anything at all like that but it was just difficult to progress the conversation. I'd respond to things he said then offer up various tidbits of information about me that I hoped would segue into him asking something about what I had just said but it didn't happen that way. There would be some awkward silences when I decided I didn't want to keep leading the conversation so I sat back to see what he would do. I had to ask him directly "is there anything you'd like to know about me?". I'm not trying to hold him to unreasonable standards, but I do have male friends who are good at conversational back and forth in their own ways. Also I don't want it to go to the other extreme and have a conversation which only consists of questions being asked and answered or ask questions as a test (not something I do).

 

Actually come to think of it, there have probably been plenty of guys like that who I have been on 1-2 dates with but I didn't necessarily notice it because they made quick moves on me so my brain was distracted. No, they weren't long term dating material.

 

I don't know why this is important to me but hey, I just discovered that it is. The closest relationship I've had so far to marriage, it all started with us talking (actually it was all night) and discovering our connection; then we dated for 3 years after that.

 

Do you think some guys are just not into questions or not interested?

 

It's statistical fact: many guys will spend dates 1-2 talking about themselves because their intention is to impress you (sell themselves). Very astute of you to pick up on the fact that it is not because he is self-absorbed because it's not for a bad reason that they do this. However, women need to be careful not to let a pattern establish because of the first dates dynamic where you don't get to talk about yourself. If he doesn't ask questions, talk about yourself. It's honestly a male brain thing (for real, biologically).

[barcode88]

I never let things sink into silence for too long, god that's awful and awkward lol.

 

This guy you're talking about OP might be more introverted/anti-social. Not a bad thing if you're into that kind of thing.

[Tressugar]

My own personal experience when a guy doesn't ask you any questions about you or your interests usually isn't interested in you as a long time potential.

 

I'm curious to hear how this works out for you. Keep us posted.

[Saracena]

It's statistical fact: many guys will spend dates 1-2 talking about themselves because their intention is to impress you (sell themselves). Very astute of you to pick up on the fact that it is not because he is self-absorbed because it's not for a bad reason that they do this. However, women need to be careful not to let a pattern establish because of the first dates dynamic where you don't get to talk about yourself. If he doesn't ask questions, talk about yourself. It's honestly a male brain thing (for real, biologically).

 

This. In addition in my experience guys don't always elicit information in the same way women do by asking direct questions Instead for them it's a process, where details about the other person are gained through your interactions with them on an ongoing, in the moment basis. Actually, I tend to be a bit like this myself!

 

This is what I've experienced so far with invariably all the guys who were interested in long-term relationships.

[Jj66]

If it appears the bloke is not trying to get to know you at all, he's probably just wanting to bed you with no intent of a relationship. Trust your instincts.

 

I don't ask a lot of questions but I do ask some and I'm always interested in what you have to say. I will participate in the conversation with interjections and eye contact, hand gestures, etc. but not many questions.

[thecrucible]

If he doesn't ask questions, talk about yourself. It's honestly a male brain thing (for real, biologically).

 

I definitely did do that. I hoped some of the things I said would stimulate more questions but he just moved back to what he was talking about before. I didn't interpret this as rude or feel offended, I was just feeling that he was treating me more like a friend than a romantic prospect in the sense that much of the conversation stayed a bit on the surface. He seemed quite inside his head in a way. I think it's the kind of thing where you need to see the guy in different situations to figure it out. He said he was naturally shy so maybe he was concentrating a lot on what he was saying.

 

This guy you're talking about OP might be more introverted/anti-social. Not a bad thing if you're into that kind of thing.

 

I kinda got the impression he was inexperienced with women. He never really hinted at past relationships but did say he'd traveled a lot for work so it wasn't conducive to establishing a relationship - which is sweet because he obviously takes relationships seriously. Sometimes I worry about dating inexperienced men, not to judge them btw, but because I wonder if they really know what they want. But now I think I will get to know someone as an individual first and foremost and not look at them like a set list of characteristics.

 

If it appears the bloke is not trying to get to know you at all, he's probably just wanting to bed you with no intent of a relationship. Trust your instincts.

 

I don't think he's thinking in that way because he hasn't made any moves on me. I wouldn't have made any moves on him either because I wasn't getting the vibe and my preference is to be the more submissive partner when it comes to the courtship phase. When he said goodbye, he just kind of walked away but I would have given a hug or kiss on the cheek if he'd initiated it. I'm not an arrogant so-and-so so it could well be that he just doesn't find me attractive which is fine.

 

I don't ask a lot of questions but I do ask some and I'm always interested in what you have to say. I will participate in the conversation with interjections and eye contact, hand gestures, etc. but not many questions.

 

He didn't really use a lot of eye contact. He looked away up to the right a bit. I thought he was very polite and pleasant, engaging and intelligent. So it's an observation not a criticism. I enjoy talking and conversation is important to me but I hate the thought of carrying a lot of it, I like balance.

 

Now the reason it is important to me is because the last long-term boyfriend I had I was able to have great conversation with in the initial stages and it's what bonded me to him. Eventually that relationship died a slow emotionally painful death because I didn't feel that he kept up with the emotional side of the relationship for me, where I felt he took an interest in who I was and what was happening in my life. In that relationship the guy came back eventually and said he wanted to get things back to where they were but I was already mentally checked out by that point. The spark had gone for me. It was also very lonely being in that kind of situation where there's no reason to break up with the guy so you don't but you feel lonely in the relationship. But I'm not going to make assumptions about this guy based on a mere few hours of conversation.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I just had a first meet with this guy from POF and we spent a couple of hours together having drinks. I did notice that he didn't ask a lot of questions about me. I kind of pointed it out but in a playful way, not a rude one. He didn't come across as self-absorbed or anything at all like that but it was just difficult to progress the conversation. I'd respond to things he said then offer up various tidbits of information about me that I hoped would segue into him asking something about what I had just said but it didn't happen that way. There would be some awkward silences when I decided I didn't want to keep leading the conversation so I sat back to see what he would do. I had to ask him directly "is there anything you'd like to know about me?". I'm not trying to hold him to unreasonable standards, but I do have male friends who are good at conversational back and forth in their own ways. Also I don't want it to go to the other extreme and have a conversation which only consists of questions being asked and answered or ask questions as a test (not something I do).

 

Actually come to think of it, there have probably been plenty of guys like that who I have been on 1-2 dates with but I didn't necessarily notice it because they made quick moves on me so my brain was distracted. No, they weren't long term dating material.

 

I don't know why this is important to me but hey, I just discovered that it is. The closest relationship I've had so far to marriage, it all started with us talking (actually it was all night) and discovering our connection; then we dated for 3 years after that.

 

Do you think some guys are just not into questions or not interested?

 

I find both sexes do this. If the conversation seems forced or you're having to pull "intel" from them, it's not worth seeing them again. Esp. in the inertial emails, they respond with one-word answers or short phrases.

 

It gets tiring having to carry the conversation. I even put in my profile that I enjoy ENGAGING conversations.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's kind of funny, because I had quite a few women friends tell me that I ask a lot of questions. I guess it shocks them or something as most men don't do that. But I am an engaging person, what can I say? I ama communicator and I think that's why a lot of relationships break up or end in divorce, there's always someone that's not willing to communicate.

[Lilyana76]

I had a meet with a man last week, the whole time the conversation was about him. I would start to comment on something he had said and he would interrupt me to talk about him some more.

 

To me that was a huge turn off. I found out tons about him, but he knows nothing about me except my name. No need for a second date if you ask me.

[Larryville]

My own personal experience when a guy doesn't ask you any questions about you or your interests usually isn't interested in you as a long time potential.

 

guys will spend dates 1-2 talking about themselves because their intention is to impress you (sell themselves).

 

LOL yup I remember someone called this “verbal incontinence” kind of like tail-flaring what peacocks do.

 

Men in general will switch into this advertising mode especially if they are the narcissistic ego driven type or if they feel seriously insecure.

 

Asking questions (eye contact too) about you indicates genuine interest. Back in the 50’s women sought out dudes who were successful, driven and were enamored by boastful dudes. Today women in many instances are more educated, successful themselves and earn good money. They are not seeking out “providers and “protectors” but as OP said can help

 

Discover a connection

[FastHands]

Maybe he's just shy?

[GunslingerRoland]

1) Some guys are quiet. I'm like that, I don't tend to lead a lot of conversations. I'll follow up with questions once we get on a topic, but I struggle with coming up with topics.

2) They might just not care.

[VeveCakes]

yeah...it can happen through texting etc too. If I say something or ask a question and it is ignored just so they can talk about themselves more...then I'm out.

[preraph]

Number one, if they're not interested in finding out about you, that says it all. They just like the way you look and just want to have sex.

 

Number two, remember early dates are their BEST behavior, so this is a genuine red flag. They are not looking for intimacy, and some of them are just dead boring people with nothing to talk about. I had a guy once who was great on paper, newspaper heir, cleaner cut than I really like but really good looking. He'd fly to see me weekends and it was okay for awhile and then crickets, with me straining to keep the conversation going. I had to just let him go. He was just nice but way too boring.

[Whodatdog]

If they're not asking you questions, they arent interested. Or their interest lies in only one thing.

[stillafool]

Probably because they don't want to hear about your boring job, family, friends, hobbies but want a sexy, flirty conversation that will put you both in the mood for sex.

[Shanex]

I can be pretty talkative. But not with every ladies. Sometimes we click or tick in all the boxes and I'll talk for hours on end and the date is great for both of us, because I'm also a listener.

 

Now, if the lady has very few to talk about and I have to make the convo for us, it's an issue.

 

Another scenario is I am just not that interested, and find an excuse to politely leave the failed date.

[coolheadal]

When I go these type of dates I let the woman do the talking first. Then I ask questions about her and what she's all about. Makes no sense not too. These men might be scared or put off by you personality. To me go on the date to get to know who you want to be with but it has to click! If you don't click then someone going to exit out first you or him. In this case he stuck around anyway. It's a shame you got the wrong type of man for your date who kept quiet on purpose or he wasn't really digging you.

[alphamale]

Do you think some guys are just not into questions or not interested?

a lot of men just aren't good at conversation, don't take it as a lack of interest...

[alphamale]

Today women in many instances are more educated, successful themselves and earn good money. They are not seeking out “providers and “protectors” but as OP said can help

the vast majority of successful women want a man who is at least as successful as they themselves are

[SevenCity]

Funny topic. A lot of guys will try to sell themselves in an effort to win you over. This has the opposite effect as it comes across as pleaser behavior.

 

After doing research, I learned you have to let the woman do 80-90% of the talking.

 

It's so easy and AMAZING the positive effect it can have. Instead of talking about yourself you just say things like "No S, tell me more, what else, how did you get into that?, I want to know everything " Etc.

 

This has a two fold effect. 1) it makes women feel more comfortable with you and appears you have an interest in them (if you do you will naturally want to know about them) and 2) you remain a mystery and she wants to know more.

 

I hardly say anything about myself at all. Has worked wonders.

[Miss Peach]

Most guys are trying to impress the first date or two. OTOH my xBF never asked any questions (and he cared and wanted to get married) and it never changed.

[thecrucible]

Probably because they don't want to hear about your boring job, family, friends, hobbies but want a sexy, flirty conversation that will put you both in the mood for sex.

 

Well that's the thing. I did try to flirt with him but he wasn't picking up on any of my signals. The lack of flirting made me think there was nothing there.

 

And by the way I'm not a conversation hogger in the slightest. Naturally I'll say stuff about myself because I think that's just normal. I've worked on feedback from previous dates where they thought I should share a little more about myself without always just responding to questions I would get.

 

UPDATE: He sent me a text today saying "I'd very much like to meet up again if you're agreeable to that" but that text just gives me the impression that it's the kind of thing where I'd have to do a lot of the groundwork/organisation and that's kind of a turn off to me. It's one of the reasons why I broke up with another ex I mentioned earlier in the thread and my gut instinct is kicking in now. Hmm not sure what to do.

[thecrucible]

a lot of men just aren't good at conversation, don't take it as a lack of interest...

 

He actually said something like that to me - "If I don't ask many questions, don't take that as a lack of interest"...but then he didn't make any changes. Like he didn't say that and then ask me a few questions. He just said and continued with what he was saying.