New relationship, quality time issue

[Deaire1469]

So, a fast intro. I'm a 28 year old man having lived independently since I was about 20.

 

I just got in a new relationship with someone who's a year older than me. She has a great career, independent financially, etc. All of the things a grown woman would posess.

 

Our relationship has gotten very serious. We have both shared our feelings with one another and they both match exactly. We're both on cloud 9 in love, there's zero doubt on either part.

 

Here's the issue...she lives with her parents and always has. They hold the biggest determining factor about her life and seemingly relationships. She's not really allowed to spend nights with me...always has to be home by 1 or so. From my experience as a grown and self sufficient adult, any truly successful relationship included spending nights with one another a bunch of times per week. In modern day 2017 with busy careers and family's to attend to, I feel that if a relationship is truly head over heels...that quality time together is crucial.

 

My problem is that in dating her, I feel like I'm in high school again when it comes to these rules and opinions of her parents. I feel like at this stage in the game the parental factor should be...a bit lessend. I love her to death and will always respect her wishes and her parents. On the same note I can't help but to feel offended and heart broken sometimes. Frustrated. Are my feelings wrong?

[whichwayisup]

She's 29 and still living at home, having to live by her parents rules? Sorry that's strange, something is off with her since she has a good job and all, why isn't she living life and being independent on her own? WHY is she still living with her parents who control her life and relationships?

 

If she wants her own life, husband, marriage and children she has to move out.

 

Your relationship is doomed until she stands up to her parents and lives her own life.

[winny]

She's 29 and still living at home, having to live by her parents rules? Sorry that's strange, something is off with her since she has a good job and all, why isn't she living life and being independent on her own? WHY is she still living with her parents who control her life and relationships?

 

If she wants her own life, husband, marriage and children she has to move out.

 

Your relationship is doomed until she stands up to her parents and lives her own life.

 

Many cultures put family above living independently. She might be from an eastern or middle eastern country. If she is from the west... then yeah it does sound weird.

[winny]

 

Here's the issue...she lives with her parents and always has. They hold the biggest determining factor about her life and seemingly relationships. She's not really allowed to spend nights with me...always has to be home by 1 or so. From my experience as a grown and self sufficient adult, any truly successful relationship included spending nights with one another a bunch of times per week. In modern day 2017 with busy careers and family's to attend to, I feel that if a relationship is truly head over heels...that quality time together is crucial.

 

 

Your assumptions are based on your limited beliefs. Doesn't mean they are completely untrue but they are not really the foundation of a good relationship.

And you are contradicting yourself. If you like her then accept her with whatever she comes with. Respecting the wishes of your parents is a huge part of eastern culture and may be something hard to understand for western people. But if she is from west then also someone may choose to value their parents more than some guy they met..! It is a personal choice and doesn't necessarily make a person good or bad.

[salparadise]

In a practical sense it's akin to dating a single mother with small children and no father in the picture to take them every other week. I once passed on a really nice woman that I would liked to have dated because she had two youngish kids and the father lived far away. I've dated several who had shared custody, and having every other weekend free made it tolerable... perhaps even better than constant availability.

 

But the larger question is, to what degree does she allow her parents to run her life? If she can never stay over because of them, it's likely the tip of the iceberg... they may still have a parent child relationship even though she is an adult.

 

I think you should rock the boat a bit. Ask her to go on a weekend trip and see what happens. Explore the concept of living on her own and how she feels about declaring her independence. Did she go away to college or has she always live with her parents? Does she make her own decisions, or do as they expect? Are the parents progressive in any sense, or are they enmeshed and holding on tight? Do they know the score, or think they're saving her virtue or something like that? What is she thinking... stay with them until she marries? Unh, lots of implications.

[Deaire1469]

In a practical sense it's akin to dating a single mother with small children and no father in the picture to take them every other week. I once passed on a really nice woman that I would liked to have dated because she had two youngish kids and the father lived far away. I've dated several who had shared custody, and having every other weekend free made it tolerable... perhaps even better than constant availability.

 

But the larger question is, to what degree does she allow her parents to run her life? If she can never stay over because of them, it's likely the tip of the iceberg... they may still have a parent child relationship even though she is an adult.

 

I think you should rock the boat a bit. Ask her to go on a weekend trip and see what happens. Explore the concept of living on her own and how she feels about declaring her independence. Did she go away to college or has she always live with her parents? Does she make her own decisions, or do as they expect? Are the parents progressive in any sense, or are they enmeshed and holding on tight? Do they know the score, or think they're saving her virtue or something like that? What is she thinking... stay with them until she marries? Unh, lots of implications.

 

Some great points and food for thought here. I've actually tried seeing how a long weekend would go. She told me her parents aren't up to that stage yet...

[elaine567]

If her parents are from a different culture, which I suspect they are, then does this relationship have any chance of progressing into marriage?

You may not be thinking that far ahead yet, but best to not get too involved if the end result will be that she will ultimately dump you in favour of family, community. culture and religion, leaving you heart broken and all your plans in tatters.

 

Family is very important, do not underestimate that, nor overestimate your own powers of attraction.

Most, despite "love", will eventually choose family, tradition and culture over any relationship.

We in the West grow up to believe "love" conquers all, - it may not.

Be careful.

[ExpatInItaly]

Is there a cultural difference, OP?

[salparadise]

Some great points and food for thought here. I've actually tried seeing how a long weekend would go. She told me her parents aren't up to that stage yet...

 

Ah, well, that tells you a lot of what you need to know. This relationship is going to be constrained. Are you having sex or is she remaining chaste for her parents too? And if you are, how is it?

 

Others are speculating about cultural differences––is that the case or not? Are yo both Americans, or Americanized... or is Asian or Indian or of a culture where it's typical for daughter to go straight from the parent's house to the husband's?

 

Now let me preface by saying that I'm not you, and I'm not invested the way you are, although I hear you when you say you're both deeply in love...

 

The problem is that you may NEVER have her separately from her parents as long as they're living. Most 29 year old women would just say hey mom and dad, Dearie and I are going to NYC for a weekend to shop and see some shows. And that would be all there is to it. So it's a LOT more constrained than the mere practicality of sharing a residence.

 

So what do you want––are you ready to marry her? Do you want to date a year or two or three before making that leap? Would anything be different if you were engaged (I doubt that it would)? So here's the deal––you have limited choices: a) accept things as they are and marry her soon––and move away; DO NOT buy the house next door to the parents; b) tell her that you're [both] old enough to not have this relationship moderated by her parents, and that you want her to get her own apartment posthaste; c) realizing that this an abnormally enmeshed situation and says multitudes about her (even more than the parents), and unlikely to be resolved, reconsider the relationship based on knowing what you want cognitively, and even though it's tough to do emotionally.

 

Remember, women dump guys all the time because they can't or won't deliver what they want. You don't have to accept this. If you do, realize it's YOUR choice.

 

Personally, I wouldn't accept it. As I said earlier, I passed on a very nice woman because the situation wouldn't accommodate normal dating on a regular basis. I'd have to either be dating her and the kids or waiting around for rare opportunities to be with her and have overnight stays. But I made a rational decision before falling in love. That's because I did a long distance relationship for more than a year and I knew that I didn't want to put up with another impossible situation.

 

I'm interested to hear about the cultural aspect, and your assessment of the choices and whether you're so in love that you'll accept it, or if you're assertive and able to make tough decision if necessary.

[Popsicle]

You want sex before marriage. She and her parents do not. They require marriage.

[Deaire1469]

Really no major cultural differences. We are both born amd raised in NY. Same catholic christian relgion but not hard core on either part.

 

We have had sex before. It's so weird. Everything is normal unless it comes to her being out too late. I can certainty see the points here though that this may be the tip of the iceberg.

[ExpatInItaly]

Really no major cultural differences. We are both born amd raised in NY. Same catholic christian relgion but not hard core on either part.

 

We have had sex before. It's so weird. Everything is normal unless it comes to her being out too late. I can certainty see the points here though that this may be the tip of the iceberg.

 

Since this doesn't appear to be a cultural issue, this relationship is going to be very difficult. She is a grown woman, and her parents still call the shots. For some reason, she lets them.

 

In my opinion, this isn't about cultural beliefs but control over her. Either that or there is something she's not telling you about them or her. Does she feel this is acceptable for a nearly 30-year-old woman? Is it normal, from her point of view?

[salparadise]

Really no major cultural differences. We are both born amd raised in NY. Same catholic christian relgion but not hard core on either part.

 

We have had sex before. It's so weird. Everything is normal unless it comes to her being out too late. I can certainty see the points here though that this may be the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

In that case, I suspect a deeply enmeshed family. The parents view her as an extension of themselves, and she acquiesces willingly. They have probably conditioned their acceptance on her meeting their needs and expectations, being obedient. They have prevented her from developing a sense of autonomy. Her sense of self worth is dependent upon their approval, and her decisions are mostly based on what she knows would please them.

 

OP, if I were you––assuming you want to create a future with her––I'd have to attempt to break her out of jail, figured out if she can be deprogramed. I have to wonder what kind of emotional constitution she has that keeps her tied so closely at age 29. Does she have dreams and aspirations, or does she subjugate her entire existence to meeting the parents expectations. How is she with you––does she ever disagree or express strong preferences? Does she take initiative to do things for herself that bring her pleasure or further her own agenda? Does she have any sort of agenda?

 

Again, this is my perspective, but I would be concerned about this degree of dependence and lack of autonomy. Your relationship with her may be completely dependent on their approval. Lets's say for example, that you encourage her to move out and get her own place. And let's say that her parents realize that you are the one who put that bug in her ear... if they sour on you even a little, can she be assertive and just tell them it's time to cut the strings, or will she terminate you to ensure their continued approval?

 

I think you have to figure this stuff out. Otherwise you may end up wedded to a child who sees you as secondary, with her parents making the decisions for both of you.

Edited January 25, 2017 by salparadise