Another new date, good game of deception

[Mkn1010]

So I met a guy on an app called Bumble (like Tinder but where women have to initiate the convo). I always think that the kind of guys that match with me are the types who don't just want a casual hookup as my profile is very PG/innocent looking and I state my intent to make friends (having moved to a new city) and slowly see if it leads into something meaningful.

 

 

BUT this assumption is misguided I guess as women probably come across as not into hook-ups initially but do that very thing, so a guy can try right!!

 

 

So the guy and I go on a first date, we have drinks at a bar and stay for hours, like 4+ and the bar is near his house so I agree to walk him home on the basis that I'll order an uber from the front of his place (which I did do). We had crazy good chemistry in my opinion. Out the front, we made out heavily but he was very grabby/hands everywhere and asked me to come in, which I politely declined. He then messaged me the next day saying he had a lot of fun and that we should do it again next week, and I agreed (although being a bit apprehensive as to his intentions).

 

 

Second date: dinner and drinks (he paid), again stayed out until like 2am, we held hands a lot, he wanted to know all about me and my family, life values etc etc, (he also texted me everyday in between the dates). Afterwards, I walked him to his house and I went in to have a glass of water (both kind of drunk at that point), but I already told him I was only staying for 5 mins to have water as I didn't know him that well just yet. More making out in the kitchen and he was trying hard to seduce me and talking very dirty-ly and grabbing me everywhere and trying to undress me while making out. I then exited the situation (not in a rude way) and he kissed me goodbye a few more times and I caught my uber home.

 

 

Then nothing. 2 day pass and I send a "how'd the rest of your weekend go" type message. He replied and asked a question but at like midnight, so I responded the next morning, no questions in my text though (I could feel the fade on his part - huge decline in text frequency before the 2nd date). Then he wrote back about 10 hours later confirming that he also has two days of leave this week (it's a public holiday in Australia), but didn't ask me any questions or to hang out again, despite us both having time off.

 

 

So my approach is currently to not reply. I haven't responded because I think he was only after one thing. Do you guys agree? He was previously messaging me daily, checking in, always asking a lot of questions, always complimenting me, even multi-texting, and then post the 2nd date, just dropped away.

[winny]

His intentions are pretty clear.... if you want something different then don't pursue this anymore.

[Dis]

Hey Girl!

 

Ya I think you're spot on

 

I recently had a similar situation happen, when I started to feel him fading ever so slightly...I just let him go

 

If we was really into you, he'd keep up the communication

 

Let him go, if he comes back you can decide what you want to do

 

Me personally? I'd be done. Sounds like this has run its course...he wanted one thing and when you did give it to him...he bails

 

Sorry girl, plenty of fish in the sea though. Keep your chin up

[Mkn1010]

I offered to pay for everything and he snatched the bill out of my hand. And as to making out, admittedly I got a bit carried away as he was seriously hot and sparks were flying, but I made my intentions clear: start of with friendship as in not rush a relationship but with the intention for it to become something with the RIGHT PERSON!

 

As for the other posters, thank you so much! I think I've read it correctly too, I haven't written back to his text since yesterday. So I'll let this one go! Just happy I stuck to my boundaries!

 

The part that bugs me the most is that there's no need to pretend, ie fake really liking someone and showing fake care! Just pick someone else who also is down for sex quickly! Can't be that desperate! He was very handsome, successful, intelligent and dressed well! Kind of seemed he may be a narcissist

Edited January 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Simple Logic]

Any time a guy takes you to a bar and then to his house, he is just wanting sex.

[Raena]

I don't see anything wrong with you stating quite clearly that you want to get to know them before moving it into the bedroom... whether it's a dating app or not. Just because you meet someone on a dating app does not mean you can't expect to get to know them well before making that kind of commitment. It's not gold digging, especially if you offer to pay and your date won't let you.

 

Either way, this man was obviously more interested in sex than getting to know you well or he would have kept in touch and not pushed so much to "make out" so quickly.

[ashy555]

Fakenews.. You are making out that this girl lead him on and is in the wrong for not sleeping with him even though she stated very clearly that she was only going up for 5 minutes.

Are we not allowed to walk someone of the opposite sex home, or enter someone of the opposite sex's house unless we are going to have sex with them?

That is his fault if he was so offended by that. She can do whatever the hell she likes with her body and not feel pressured. Disgraceful.

 

As for you OP. Be proud You never did anything that made you uncomfortable. You stuck to your guns and sure enough he showed his true colours. He only wanted sex which is fine but not what you wanted(not straight away anyway). If you had have gone ahead with it he still would have ignored you after and you would be feeling a lot worse than you are now!

 

It does sound like he is fading. You sent him a message and he is not responding well. Its in his court now. If he really likes you he will make the effort. Wait another few days and if you get nothing forget about him.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

He wanted sex. Didn't get it and he's probably irritated. All these online dating sites are the same. I have no idea why you would chase and pursue a guy but to each their own. Everyone of these guys have about 75% of the men just wanting hook ups. the other 25% legit guys but then you have to find the ones that are interesting. This guy sounds like a player and a cad. Cute and successful but was expecting sex. If he likes you he will contact you.

[phineas]

He wanted sex. Didn't get it and he's probably irritated. All these online dating sites are the same. I have no idea why you would chase and pursue a guy but to each their own. Everyone of these guys have about 75% of the men just wanting hook ups. the other 25% legit guys but then you have to find the ones that are interesting. This guy sounds like a player and a cad. Cute and successful but was expecting sex. If he likes you he will contact you.

 

Do you see the problem here with dating apps?

men who want relationships are basically ignored or should they manage to schedule a date, they are ghosted on because women get hit up by guys like the OP's guy who just wants sex and they forget the other guy.

 

because he isn't "exciting" like the player types.

 

Then complain "men just want sex"

 

and FYI the reason most men online are just looking for sex is because most women online are looking for the same thing.

[Mkn1010]

I agree with what you're saying Phineas, however I think that even men seeking a relationship do the very same thing in choosing to go with the woman who is more flirty/exciting/touchy feely/gives them sex (even one that creates drama) because it is more exciting! Men who 'want a relationship' have often friend-zoned me because they don't feel that 'excitement' factor! I'm a very non flirty individual, and I don't think they're doing this because of my looks or intellect or otherwise as I have had a lot of interest and affirmation over the years to be completely frank, but it's only initially until they find out that I'm a slow mover physically.

 

 

Even theses 'relationship types' get sucked in by the woman who puts out and gets their privates all in a stir haha. I'm just seriously down to earth and want a companionship first!

 

 

Also, yes, BOTH sexes are on dating apps just to get laid! BUT WHY?? People seriously!!!! Is that all you have to live for!

[Mkn1010]

I'm not saying that at all, I'm saying BOTH genders are guilty of doing this thing where they think they're seeking a relationship partner but pick the people who make them feel all excited first in a physical sense.

 

 

I, myself, (as I explained) got all excited about the guy in this post due to our physical chemistry (or him being a player type as Phineas put it and dropping all these moves on me). And yes, I wanted him sexually too. And so I'm saying it's a shame that we're not better at prioritising the other more 'boring' types (ie less physically exciting) that may actually better match our intentions for dating.

[4kad]

Do you see the problem here with dating apps?

men who want relationships are basically ignored or should they manage to schedule a date, they are ghosted on because women get hit up by guys like the OP's guy who just wants sex and they forget the other guy.

 

because he isn't "exciting" like the player types.

 

Then complain "men just want sex"

 

and FYI the reason most men online are just looking for sex is because most women online are looking for the same thing.

 

I'm still trying to meet someone off Bumble but been unsuccessful. Guess I am not one of those exciting guys. lol

[selinaluv]

Do you see the problem here with dating apps?

men who want relationships are basically ignored or should they manage to schedule a date, they are ghosted on because women get hit up by guys like the OP's guy who just wants sex and they forget the other guy.

 

because he isn't "exciting" like the player types.

 

Then complain "men just want sex"

 

and FYI the reason most men online are just looking for sex is because most women online are looking for the same thing.

 

I agree with this, but then don't you also think some of the onus should be on the relationship guys to up their online game a bit?

 

The reason I say this is I have started conversations and happily been approached by those guys and many just don't know how to keep the conversation going and go in for the date. I try to do so myself, but even then can lose interest because they are not sure how to quite make things happen.

 

At some point it drops off cause I do eventually get bored and they just let it fizzle, while at least player guy is asking for the date.

 

Not saying it happens in all instances, but it does in many.

[4kad]

I agree with this, but then don't you also think some of the onus should be on the relationship guys to up their online game a bit?

 

The reason I say this is I have started conversations and happily been approached by those guys and many just don't know how to keep the conversation going and go in for the date. I try to do so myself, but even then can lose interest because they are not sure how to quite make things happen.

 

At some point it drops off cause I do eventually get bored and they just let it fizzle, while at least player guy is asking for the date.

 

Not saying it happens in all instances, but it does in many.

 

 

I would prefer to discuss a date on the phone live rather than over messages. Maybe that's been my issue, exchanging too many messages and not suggesting going out for coffee so that I can get the number.

 

If a woman doesn't want to give me her number then we would have to meet near my apt because I am not doing a lot of traveling only to be stood up because she got another match and a better offer

[Mkn1010]

Well it's a bit sad for the nice guys as, personally, I've decided not to use Bumble despite it getting me many dates due to the same type of guy looking for a hookup!

[4kad]

Well it's a bit sad for the nice guys as, personally, I've decided not to use Bumble despite it getting me many dates due to the same type of guy looking for a hookup!

 

Tinder I just have up on

[Dis]

I offered to pay for everything and he snatched the bill out of my hand. And as to making out, admittedly I got a bit carried away as he was seriously hot and sparks were flying, but I made my intentions clear: start of with friendship as in not rush a relationship but with the intention for it to become something with the RIGHT PERSON!

 

As for the other posters, thank you so much! I think I've read it correctly too, I haven't written back to his text since yesterday. So I'll let this one go! Just happy I stuck to my boundaries!

 

The part that bugs me the most is that there's no need to pretend, ie fake really liking someone and showing fake care! Just pick someone else who also is down for sex quickly! Can't be that desperate! He was very handsome, successful, intelligent and dressed well! Kind of seemed he may be a narcissist

 

I'm glad to hear this Mkn

 

I'm glad you didnt compromise you're standards or allow him to charm you into sex

 

The guy I was telling you about really wanted sex too *shocker* Didnt give it to him...thank god!

 

Theres someone great out there for both of us!

 

Keep you're standards high!

[Mkn1010]

Thanks Disillusionment, you're great! I think I read somewhere that you're 30 like me and your posts sounds similar to how I think. Men just need to see and appreciate what's right in front of them and then we'll be fine

 

 

I have hope, but a little time off does wonders too!!

[phineas]

I agree with this, but then don't you also think some of the onus should be on the relationship guys to up their online game a bit?

 

The reason I say this is I have started conversations and happily been approached by those guys and many just don't know how to keep the conversation going and go in for the date. I try to do so myself, but even then can lose interest because they are not sure how to quite make things happen.

 

At some point it drops off cause I do eventually get bored and they just let it fizzle, while at least player guy is asking for the date.

 

Not saying it happens in all instances, but it does in many.

 

player guy has practice.

He doesn't care whether the woman sleeps with him or not because he is usually good looking and outgoing and doesn't have an issue getting a date with another one.

Relationship guy isn't all of those. he may be good looking but he lacks experience. most of those guys, once they get sex regularly either turn into girly men who put the woman on the pedestal or they start to take charge as they become more confident.

 

But, relationship guy is going to spin his wheels until some woman gives him an actual chance so he can get some dating experience.

[Dis]

Thanks Disillusionment, you're great! I think I read somewhere that you're 30 like me and your posts sounds similar to how I think. Men just need to see and appreciate what's right in front of them and then we'll be fine

 

 

I have hope, but a little time off does wonders too!!

 

Yup I'm 30 too!

 

I have to admit, I always thought I'd be married by this point. Its kind of crazy to think how badly my love life has turned out thus far. I have to take accountablity for a good deal of it though. Before I got on LS, I made some really poor choices

 

And yes taking a break is great thing! I'm done with OLD. I've come to accept that dreaded, highly annoying phrase all my gfs tell me, "It'll happen when it happens" lol

 

I really want more than anything to find the right guy. So I really do feel your frustration about this guy. I dont know why but it really saddens me that it hasnt happened yet. I'm sure you're at the point where you're done with the bs too

 

Looks like you're a smart woman though. Some woman wouldnt caved and had sex...then been hurt later that he faded away. Its all a learning process I guess. Some learn quicker than others...and some are just luckier than most lol

[Mkn1010]

Yeah I used to think of myself as being married by this age! But I kind of got over that (but not entirely). I too have been so terribly unlucky, the story of my first love (my only boyfriend to date in fact) is actually a very sad one!

 

 

I know a friend of a friend who was very shy but a very gorgeous sweet smart person with a beautiful soul! I doubt she would have ever tried online dating (especially not on Tinder or the like) and she's a bit older than us and I always thought it's such a shame that she's single. I wondered how she would meet a decent guy given her shyness. Long story short, she went on a trip to Europe and met a guy overseas and now she's married, I think at 35!

 

 

So my point is that it'll happen if it's supposed to happen. But I too get sad, mainly because I know I can be a great partner to someone and it saddens me that so many people of today operate with very shallow emotions! I get it, people want sex, it's enjoyable etc etc but I also don't think it's right for them to seek it from me by portraying feelings for me that aren't genuine! I know this game very well and I unfortunately have had exposure to sociopaths in my life.

 

 

I also think dating apps mean that you're meeting a ton of men and the probability of guys just wanting to get a hook-up is too high in my opinion. Even if I was super lucky to find one in that 15% maybe that are seeking a relationship, I'm not sure how much personal damage it would take me to get there.

 

 

So I'm trying to live and let be this year. I tried the online thing for one whole year, that's what I decided to give it, and I probably went on 20-30 dates, the longest thing lasting 5 weeks!! So the stats are against me in that forum. I did however learn a tonne about dating games and it's all a load of BS to me! The main point is that I learnt to trust my gut and KNOW MY VALUE! This is essential as you learn how to very easily walk away when you need to walk away. Sad but true!

 

 

I know all the dreaded phrases about letting it happen, but I truly think LOVE (the REAL DEAL stuff) can't be forced! And that is why it takes so long to find, love can take years to find! But know this: we are better positioned and closer to the real deal than many people in existing relationships (or even married people) as we now know what we want and have had many disappointments to teach us who we really are! In my view, this means that are chances of getting it right are much higher than the so-called 'lucky ones' who manage to meet the 'love of their lives' with quite little effort/heartbreaks along the way!

 

 

I take my heartbreaks as opportunities

[Dis]

Yeah I used to think of myself as being married by this age! But I kind of got over that (but not entirely). I too have been so terribly unlucky, the story of my first love (my only boyfriend to date in fact) is actually a very sad one!

 

 

I know a friend of a friend who was very shy but a very gorgeous sweet smart person with a beautiful soul! I doubt she would have ever tried online dating (especially not on Tinder or the like) and she's a bit older than us and I always thought it's such a shame that she's single. I wondered how she would meet a decent guy given her shyness. Long story short, she went on a trip to Europe and met a guy overseas and now she's married, I think at 35!

 

 

So my point is that it'll happen if it's supposed to happen. But I too get sad, mainly because I know I can be a great partner to someone and it saddens me that so many people of today operate with very shallow emotions! I get it, people want sex, it's enjoyable etc etc but I also don't think it's right for them to seek it from me by portraying feelings for me that aren't genuine! I know this game very well and I unfortunately have had exposure to sociopaths in my life.

 

 

I also think dating apps mean that you're meeting a ton of men and the probability of guys just wanting to get a hook-up is too high in my opinion. Even if I was super lucky to find one in that 15% maybe that are seeking a relationship, I'm not sure how much personal damage it would take me to get there.

 

 

So I'm trying to live and let be this year. I tried the online thing for one whole year, that's what I decided to give it, and I probably went on 20-30 dates, the longest thing lasting 5 weeks!! So the stats are against me in that forum. I did however learn a tonne about dating games and it's all a load of BS to me! The main point is that I learnt to trust my gut and KNOW MY VALUE! This is essential as you learn how to very easily walk away when you need to walk away. Sad but true!

 

 

I know all the dreaded phrases about letting it happen, but I truly think LOVE (the REAL DEAL stuff) can't be forced! And that is why it takes so long to find, love can take years to find! But know this: we are better positioned and closer to the real deal than many people in existing relationships (or even married people) as we now know what we want and have had many disappointments to teach us who we really are! In my view, this means that are chances of getting it right are much higher than the so-called 'lucky ones' who manage to meet the 'love of their lives' with quite little effort/heartbreaks along the way!

 

 

I take my heartbreaks as opportunities

 

Just loved this Mkn!

 

I feel the same way!

 

I really do believe that the reason why I had to go through all those heartbreaks and am still single at 30 is because the I'm setting myself up to find the real thing, lasting love, soul mate connection

 

Had I found someone early on in life, theres no way I would know what I want, what I dont. What is healthy, what is not. Who I am, who I'm not.

 

I've changed so much since my early 20's. I've grown to be happy with myself and value myself. I dont tolerate bs from guys anymore and I've learned so much about love and dating and relationships

 

I think thats the silver lining in all this...

 

If its worth having, its not going to come easily...and I can be rest assured when I do find it that it was hard won!

 

When he does come along I'll be prepared for the real thing and so will you!

 

I think your 20's are for finding yourself and your 30's are for finding someone else

 

I feel your pain with OLD. I did it for a year and half and lie you said, the real thing cant be manufactured. It just happens. Which is another reason why I'm off those sites. I'm tired of trying to force something to work. And yup, OLD is so sad. Guys just want sex and I think some of the women on there arent so great either. I just dont want to be a part of that mess anymore

 

I'm a nursing student so every Friday I'm at clinical in a huge hospital so I'm hoping I'll meet someone there. I need to work on not being so shy around new guys though. I'm usually super sweet and outgoing but super shocked when a random guy approaches me lol. I'm working on it! hahaa!

[selinaluv]

player guy has practice.

But, relationship guy is going to spin his wheels until some woman gives him an actual chance so he can get some dating experience.

 

So you're saying wait him out a little bit more? It so hard sometimes because they also can take it so slow and they can have such a hard time maintaining interest.

[selinaluv]

Yeah I used to think of myself as being married by this age! But I kind of got over that (but not entirely). I too have been so terribly unlucky, the story of my first love (my only boyfriend to date in fact) is actually a very sad one!

 

You ladies may not feel like it, but you are so young. He is there.

 

And when you find the right one you really will know it. He may not necessarily be your forever one (we did get divorced, but for many years he was my one and I wouldn't change it for anything), but when it is right and good there will be no games and he really will make it so clear.

 

And I found it when I least expected it navigating the same way through the heartache of my early 20's dating. Turned out he was right there in my face and when he was ready he showed me.

 

That is why I always believe it can happen at any time.

[phineas]

So you're saying wait him out a little bit more? It so hard sometimes because they also can take it so slow and they can have such a hard time maintaining interest.

 

i don't know what you are saying here.

that men who want relationships and don't try for sex lose interest in you?