My GF is pregnant, it might not be my baby

[Orlan]

I have been exclusive with a woman since September 2016. We were non-exclusive (we were intimate) before that. Late 20's, early 30's.

 

She was late this month and took a pregnancy test, it came back positive. We talked about it and agreed that abortion would be the best choice at this time. It was a hard decision for her and there were a lot of tears involved. She wants kids, but it's too soon in our relationship. I don't want kids right now, not with someone I've just started dating. Yesterday morning I took her to the abortion appointment, they had to do an ultrasound first.

 

She is 25 WEEKS pregnant. Whoever was doing the ultrasound said she would have got pregnant around August 7, which is before we were exclusive but we were intimate. I can't comprehend how this was missed. She's thin and doesn't look pregnant at all. She was getting periods, she said they were a lot lighter but she was getting them every month and I know she was because we were being intimate and I saw a bit of blood sometimes. She hasn't been sick at all. How can it go unnoticed for that long? She isn't a stupid woman, she is actually very intelligent. She has a bachelors and masters degree, she works in health care at one of the best countries in the hospital, she is very good at what she does. Yet this was missed? For 6 months?!

 

Now we are in a horrible situation. She is upset, worried and embarrassed. Embarrassed that she didn't know she was pregnant and embarrassed that she doesn't know who the father is. When she got pregnant we were not exclusive, we were both seeing other people. She had no dating experience and was a virgin, and she threw herself into the deep end. She met men through online dating, who were more interested in sex than her. I asked her how many men she slept with around that time (expecting 1) and she said 3 or 4 (+ me). She is humiliated and horrified. She wasn't on birth control at the time, she started taking the pill in September. She said she always used condoms but obviously someone didn't. She swears condoms were always used, so this could be my baby - or it could not. She is absolutely humiliated.

 

She said there is a DNA test she can do to find out if it's mine or not. It's about $1,000 but she wants to have it done to know. So we're going to do that. She doesn't think she would be able to go through with an adoption. The baby is a girl. She said if it's not mine she expects that I'll walk away. Which is true... I'm not raising another mans child. She doesn't have contact with the other possible fathers. They went out 1-3 times, she has deleted their phone numbers and deleted her dating profile, she didn't go back to their places. If this isn't my baby she is totally on her own.

 

If this baby isn't mine, I don't plan on staying with her and that seems reasonable. So why do I feel so badly about that? I feel like I'm abandoning her and like I'm responsible to at least support her through this. Is there a correct way to handle this?

 

If the DNA test confirms that it is my kid then of course I will support her through that and step up to be a father. I don't know how I will feel about my GF though... This kind of made me second guess.

[PinkPampies]

Wow. Based on what you've wrote about her, I'd wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

 

I've e Been pregnant a few times. It is unmistakable. I have a feeling she knows the baby is from one of the guys she slept with, and since they didn't work out, the fallout is on you.

 

Get the DNA test. If it's not yours, run away.

 

If it's yours, run away. But you'll pay child support for the next 21 years.

[Tressugar]

Maybe I overlooked something, but I thought the both of you agreed to go through with the termination of pregnancy. If so, end of story, no DNA test needed.

[Orlan]

We did agree on abortion... until we realized she is 25 weeks pregnant not a few. Abortion isn't exactly an option at this point...

 

I doubt that she knew about this pregnancy all along. If she was, then she needs to be nominated for an award. I was there with her when the abortion person said she is too far along to have the procedure. She was in complete shock. She still is.

[Sara1989]

This woman talking bull, so I guess lighter periods did not concern her, really as a health professional? and she had ZERO pregnancy symptoms?

 

From my dates from online, I say I talked to 2 guys who said the girls they were dating wanted to get pregnant and shortly after they broke up, boom the woman got pregnant with the next dude. So it seems be quite common...

 

I dont believe a woman in her late 20s working in the health field would miss a pregnancy like that especially when you been banging loads of guys, your guard would be up.

[ExpatInItaly]

We did agree on abortion... until we realized she is 25 weeks pregnant not a few. Abortion isn't exactly an option at this point...

 

I doubt that she knew about this pregnancy all along. If she was, then she needs to be nominated for an award. I was there with her when the abortion person said she is too far along to have the procedure. She was in complete shock. She still is.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't buy that.

 

25 weeks in and no idea she could have been pregnant until she recently entirely missed a period? And she works in health care? I don't think so. She thought nothing was strange about not having normal periods? My guess is she either knew or strongly suspected she could be pregnant, and decided not to tell you until her symptoms could no longer be ignored.

 

I think you're getting the wool pulled over your eyes, OP. Get the DNA test.

[Simple Logic]

I don't know where you live, but $1000 for a paternity test is very high.

[enddeck]

I don't know where you live, but $1000 for a paternity test is very high

 

There is a lab near me that charges twelve hundred euro for a test and another eight hundred to tell the sex of the baby.Don't ask me why I know this.

Edited January 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[Orlan]

From what she told me, she has always had light periods. She said for years they have been about 24 hours of light bleeding. These past few months have been 24 hours of spotting and at the right time each month. I know she was having that bleeding because we were having sex throughout the month.

 

She does work in health care but she isn't a nurse or a doctor. She is a speech pathologist, she works with physiotherapists and occupational therapists. Medical specialists sometimes.

 

But I agree, how can she go 25 weeks without knowing? At the same time... she is thin as a rail and doesn't look pregnant at all. She said she can't feel the baby moving. If she was lying then she is damn good at it. She had a panic attack after the abortion person said how far along she was and it actually took quite a while to calm her down. Her heart rate was like 190, you can't fake that... Or maybe you can.

 

I didn't know DNA tests during pregnancy were a thing she was the one that pushed for that. I expected I'd have to wait until she was born.

 

The paternity test is $995 + tax. Maybe it's higher because it's done during pregnancy. I have seen the documents for that test, I know she isn't lying about the price. She also wanted to be the one to pay for it. I'll (obviously) be going in with her. She is 25 weeks... she is past the point of viability (I've been reading...) she can't use the miscarriage excuse.

[lolablue17]

She better get checked again. Mistakes happen. She could be pregnant for much shorter than 25 weeks.

[whichwayisup]

You know her, we don't. I'm not assuming anything here and actually am going against the grain.. I believe she had no idea she was 25 weeks pregnant. That reaction, panic attack, shock cannot be faked. Give her the benefit of doubt, even more so since she's always had light periods.

 

You care and you're a kind person, that's why you're feeling bad if this baby isn't yours it'll be hard to walk away..

Is she close with her family?

 

If this baby isn't yours, she needs to find who the father is, even if it means joining that dating site again and finding them.

[kidm]

She was a virgin and then started sleeping with random guys online? What triggered that? That's going from 0 to 100 real quick and seems suspect to me. It's a tough situation and understandable that you might feel like you're abandoning her if the child is not yours but anytime a man or woman is promiscuous, there is a high risk of pregnancy and/or STDs. Hopefully she can find a support system in her family and friends.

[Orlan]

She had an ultrasound that said she was 25 weeks, are those wrong?

 

She isn't close with her family. Her mom died last year (I think that is what triggered her sleeping around TBH) and she wasn't close with the rest of her family. Dad isn't in the picture, no other family around. I do feel bad for her if I'm not the father. I don't know if she'd be able to find the father because they were random ONS.

 

She is trying to distance herself from me, I can tell. It seems as though she is holding on just enough in case I am the father. I'm trying to trust her that she really didn't know she was pregnant, but it's hard.

[Jersey born raised]

Also you stated late twenties early thirties. How old is she. Mid twenties and a virgin seems uncommon. Although really who knows. I have know men and woman that age and sometimes thought most likely they are,

[Orlan]

She is 28. She was raised Catholic. Her mother killed herself last year and she went into the deep end after that...

[whichwayisup]

I am telling you, she's not f.ing you over. She lost her mom due to suicide and has made some bad choices in sleeping around. She's got issues for sure but don't bail on her, she needs a friend.

 

Before she found out she was pregnant and you two became exclusive, how were things between you two?

 

Encourage her to seek counseling. She needs it.

[Tribble]

Wow, some people are going hard against this woman - and definitely no need to call her demeaning names!

 

Sure, some women lie about this but lets look at the facts.

- You both went to abortion clinic. If she knew she was pregnant already, why would she do that?

- She was very clearly in shock and exhibited physical symptoms that would be difficult to fake

- She told you she had slept with other guys. If she wanted to trick you into this kid, she could have told you she was only sleeping with you, even though you weren't officially exclusive

- SHE wants the paternity test, SHE wants to pay for it. She could just as easily wait until the baby is born hoping you will bond more with both of them and not care about the paternity

 

While a lot of these things are unlikely, it sounds like she's in a horrid situation. Pregnancy is different in every woman. You hear about people giving birth in toilets having no idea they were pregnant! Every persons cycle is different and if she started taking the pill in this time frame, it can affect every aspect of your period for a while.

 

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I really feel for her. I lost my virginity on a ONS at 25 (although not to a stranger) and sex didn't feel so scary anymore. So yes, some people do wait until their 20s and beyond. Add in the horrific death of her mother and I can only imagine someone diving into sex as a comfort. She tried to diligently use condoms and something went wrong. The chances are slim so you think it's a risk worth taking. Now she's paying a price most people don't have to pay. Poor, poor girl.

 

First step: Find out the paternity

Second step: Go from there

[No_Go]

It is possible though.

 

She is on the pill since September - birth control alters periods, so she probably accounted the lighter bleeding on that.

 

Plus fear is a big thing - maybe she had some symptoms like fetal movement, but postponed pregnancy test out of fear and because she was getting periods. Yeah, it is stupid but it's human thing. Heck people ignore cancer symptoms for the same reason (procrastination out of fear).

 

I'm sorry, but I don't buy that.

 

25 weeks in and no idea she could have been pregnant until she recently entirely missed a period? And she works in health care? I don't think so. She thought nothing was strange about not having normal periods? My guess is she either knew or strongly suspected she could be pregnant, and decided not to tell you until her symptoms could no longer be ignored.

 

I think you're getting the wool pulled over your eyes, OP. Get the DNA test.

[ExpatInItaly]

It is possible though.

 

She is on the pill since September - birth control alters periods, so she probably accounted the lighter bleeding on that.

 

Plus fear is a big thing - maybe she had some symptoms like fetal movement, but postponed pregnancy test out of fear and because she was getting periods. Yeah, it is stupid but it's human thing. Heck people ignore cancer symptoms for the same reason (procrastination out of fear).

 

Yes, that's what I was getting at. I realize the pill can change menstrual patters (and it's happened to me too) but I very much she had no idea that pregnancy was a possibility. Like you suggest, I think it's more likely she suspected, but tried to ignore it.

 

In any case, for OP's sake, I think he is wise to get a DNA test.

[No_Go]

I don't think she's faking. Some women bleed during pregnancy and especially with the BC it can be confusing.

 

Can you help her with a few sessions together with a counselor?

 

I think she should consider adoption, maybe open adoption so she can see the child, if the baby is not yours. Anortion is out of question after 16 weeks so even if the ultrasound is wrong with a week or two ... The baby is far along.

 

 

From what she told me, she has always had light periods. She said for years they have been about 24 hours of light bleeding. These past few months have been 24 hours of spotting and at the right time each month. I know she was having that bleeding because we were having sex throughout the month.

 

She does work in health care but she isn't a nurse or a doctor. She is a speech pathologist, she works with physiotherapists and occupational therapists. Medical specialists sometimes.

 

But I agree, how can she go 25 weeks without knowing? At the same time... she is thin as a rail and doesn't look pregnant at all. She said she can't feel the baby moving. If she was lying then she is damn good at it. She had a panic attack after the abortion person said how far along she was and it actually took quite a while to calm her down. Her heart rate was like 190, you can't fake that... Or maybe you can.

 

I didn't know DNA tests during pregnancy were a thing she was the one that pushed for that. I expected I'd have to wait until she was born.

 

The paternity test is $995 + tax. Maybe it's higher because it's done during pregnancy. I have seen the documents for that test, I know she isn't lying about the price. She also wanted to be the one to pay for it. I'll (obviously) be going in with her. She is 25 weeks... she is past the point of viability (I've been reading...) she can't use the miscarriage excuse.

[No_Go]

She is 28. She was raised Catholic. Her mother killed herself last year and she went into the deep end after that...

 

It is common for people from troubled families to act that way. I came from a problem family - and like her stayed virgin till my late 20s, then escalated to sex witching literally 1/2 week after my first in life kiss (with a stranger). He stalked me 1.5 years after... Maybe that's why I didn't sleep around, but I can see where her behavior is coming from, and it has nothing to do with being promiscuous .

[Guildford]

Assuming that everything you say is true, then she should carry the child to term and then check the paternity. If the child is not yours then she should give it up for adoption, and if it is yours the two of you should raise it together. You knew at the time you went exclusive that she was seeing other men while seeing you, so you cannot now hold it against her for getting pregnant at that time. Maybe one of her sex-partners ripped the condom off during sex. If you really care for her and the child is yours, I believe that this would be the right thing to do.

[Orlan]

After the abortion appointment she was sent to a counsellor who set her up with someone else to talk to later and talked about her last two options (adoption or keeping the baby). It's a hard choice for her to make and it's not my choice, I have no say. She has said if it's mine she wants to keep it, if I'll be involved. She doesn't expect me to stay with her, she was really upset saying that, she just wants to know I'll be there for the kid. If it's not mine though... I don't know what she's going to do. She is financially stable, done uni, owns a home, so she can provide for a child, but she will have no support at all. She was raised without a dad and says she doesn't want to do that to a child. She is having a very hard time with the decision, understandably.

 

It doesn't take long to get the DNA results back, I don't know how I'll "see myself out" of this relationship if it's not mine. I'm going to feel like giant D-bag even though it's not mine (if I leave).

 

I have serious doubts that it is mine. I'm 31, I know how to use a condom and always have. There was none of the "just the tip" crap. I've had plenty of sex and not a single scare. It could be, and if it is mine I'll accept that and be the best dad I can be. It would just really shock me. I'd place a higher bet on someone slipping the condom off or not using it properly.

 

She had an ultrasound this morning to make sure everything is ok, since she went without care. Luckily she never drinks, smokes or does drugs. It appears to be, the tech confirmed the baby was 25W and a few days but said that could be off by a few weeks, depending on the size? And dating is only reliable for the first couple months. I don't know. The doctor said she most likely can't feel anything because of the placenta placement? or something like that... I don't know this is new to me.

 

Nothing to do but wait for the DNA test.

Edited January 20, 2017 by Orlan

[introverted1]

She had an ultrasound that said she was 25 weeks, are those wrong?

 

They can be. U/S dates a pregnancy based on measurements of the baby (absent information about the date of the period). It's not an exact science.

 

See what the DNA says. You might also want to repeat the US with a different tech to see if the dates are confirmed.

[Gaeta]

A good friend of mine discovered she was pregnant at 5 months pregnancy. She thought she was gaining weight and was hitting the gym like crazy, she also always had her period so never thought of having a pregnancy test. Finally she ended up at her doctor's office for cramps, bloating and discovered she was 5 months pregnant. This woman was far from being stupid she already had twins.

 

It happens.

 

You feel bad because you like her and you know she didn't ask for this, she didn't cheat or anything, she just got pregnant by accident. Condoms are efficient at 97% only. I know my doctor warns me all the time I should not rely on them only.

 

She is just a victim of circumstances. If this baby isn't yours and she decides to keep it than why would you terminate the relationship? Most women you will date will already have kids from other fathers so what's the difference? You can continue seeing-dating her without getting in the role of 'father' to that child.

 

I know I am going against the grain here but a child is just one more person to love and to receive love from, no matter who the egg or sperm donor is.

 

She sounds like a great girl, got her act together, she has a career, is independent, has a home, and is of good character. She's a single mom. The only difference between her and other single moms is that her child isn't at the day care but in her belly.