Jolientje Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I am a successful professional and since I used to be a model, I guess I am not too bad looking either. Despite enjoying quite a lot of masculine success, I am happy living as an eternally single independent girl. Recently, however, I started to see this guy I have known forever and really like. We used to have a fling when we were teenagers, but I left him after only a few weeks, being scared of too much commitment. Over the years, I rejected quite a few of his friends whom I liked as friends, but did not want to push it to the physical level. It seems we both feel physical and intellectual attraction for each other. Yet, I like making a man wait before having sex, and challenged him before taking it to the next level. He quickly freaked out and thanked me for putting limits. In a very honest and open way, he then admitted he feels too much respect to have sex with me and he is not ready to get into a serious relationship. He confessed he had had hundreds of affairs with easy girls, but never made love with what he considers a lady he respects. Since then, we talked and met a few times but he made a point we should no longer show signs of affection, as it might lead to a slippery slope. It seems he is so scared of opening up for love and real commitment, he prefers building a wall and maintain a superficial life. It feel I am being caught at my own game; though I am extremely independent and don’t want commitment myself, the fact that I am an uncatchable (virtuous?) girl seems to put pressure on Men. His friends don’t seem to be ready to settle either and are just having loads of casual relationships. His parents, however, want him to get married quickly, they like me and have always been supportive of me… What do you all think? Thanks 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 What is masculine success? In regards to your question, if you are not looking for committed relationship or a casual relationship, what is it you are looking for? I am little confused.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 The OP never expected to meet a man that would not challenge her ''make him wait'' games. Now she finds herself on the receiving end, or as she puts it ''being caught at my own game''. The guy is unavailable and has a past of casual relationships and the OP is confused, wants what she can't have and in the same breath complains about not getting what she does not want. All serve to illustrate perfectly why I never waste my time with modern ''dating''. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 The guy is the only man I have ever really had feelings for and I would be happy if it could turn into a committed relationship rather than an affair. You are right: I am disappointed I am finding myself on the receiving end. I think I stupidly imagined being sort of "uncatchable" would allow me to enjoy a different status than the girls this guy dated casually (and easily). It seems it's gone too far though as it apparently puts pressure on him to commit much further. A man once told me: whoever will manage to kiss you, will have the impression he's won you to marry him. Funnily enough, I feel like most girls this guy dates with "no strings attached" were trying to win his commitment quickly after having sex with him; they were very needy and dependent for emotional, social, and physical validation. I am not asking for any sort of commitment, neither do I want to give up my independent life. Yet, the fact that I am nearly ever dating, and decided to do so now, seems to mean so much more... He told me I am one of his closest girlfriends and I could definitely tell he feels attraction for me. It seems he also has quite some respect for me, possibly too much... I would like him to understand I am not pressuring for any particular commitment and would love to give it a try, without him building a wall because of so-called respect!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Oh and with masculine success, I meant success with men. English is not my mother tongue! Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 You are probably right. But why then would he be willing to keep in touch and carry on seeing me? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 He's waiting for you to say "I know you well now and I really want to have sex with you now". My question for you is, why do you want to have sex with a guy who's been with hundreds of women? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 No he doesn't. Read: he made a point we should no longer show signs of affection. Who says that to a girl that they like? This is a case of "He is not THAT INTO YOU." But because OP is a narcissist, she can't think of that as rejection. It's true she is self-absorbed and can't take rejection, but there is the question of has he friendzoned her or is he an orbiter? I think he's an orbiter pretending to friendzoned her. She can find out what he truly is by her saying the above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 There is a difference between an orbiter (who is more willing and salivating) and someone who just doesn't care, other than seeing the person as a FWB potential. OP, by her admission, has fooled around or entertained dating several of his friends (rejected before physical level comment seems like they at least dated). OP's issues aside, that alone would make her not-relationship-material. It is against the bro code. Secondly, if he liked her he would have made a move, since OP states they've known each other for years. Not only he didn't make a move, he actually tells this girl don't be affectionate with me. I don't know if a guy can tell that to a girl he is sexually attracted to. Yea, please don't sit on my lap or give me a kiss or really give me a super tight hug ... because I have too much respect for you? Oh please. Fair enough. Then you've been friendzoned, OP. Give up on this guy and next time be careful in how you "challenge" a guy (the word you used). A "challenge" sounds so bad in the realm of love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 There is a difference between an orbiter (who is more willing and salivating) and someone who just doesn't care, other than seeing the person as a FWB potential. OP, by her admission, has fooled around or entertained dating several of his friends (rejected before physical level comment seems like they at least dated). OP's issues aside, that alone would make her not-relationship-material. It is against the bro code. Secondly, if he liked her he would have made a move, since OP states they've known each other for years. Not only he didn't make a move, he actually tells this girl don't be affectionate with me. I don't know if a guy can tell that to a girl he is sexually attracted to. Yea, please don't sit on my lap or give me a kiss or really give me a super tight hug ... because I have too much respect for you? Oh please. Thanks for being an eye-opener by being harsh. I guess I really need this right now. Just to make things clear: I have not been dating his friends nor entertaining anything. I have always made things clear and made a point we would maintain things in the friendzone; But then they were drunk and just sort of tried. Nothing more. The guy did make a move. He was quite into this, invited me over, insisted I would stay with him etc. But that's when things got complicated. I did not want to have sex with him before feeling confident with it (sorry for the ridiculous way of expressing myself earlier; I did not challenge him in the bad sense of the word). That's when he realized that this could take a different turn than what he was used to. I think he even thought I was a virgin. I do have the impression he was more of an orbiter, aka. willing and salivating. When I asked him to wait for having sex, he tried to keep it to the kissing and hugging but it was seemingly hard to stick to it. After a few days, it seems he just could not handle it anymore; that's when he expressed his will to stop showing affection for each other and leave it there as more would mean slippery slope... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Thanks for being an eye-opener by being harsh. I guess I really need this right now. Just to make things clear: I have not been dating his friends nor entertaining anything. I have always made things clear and made a point we would maintain things in the friendzone; But then they were drunk and just sort of tried. Nothing more. The guy did make a move. He was quite into this, invited me over, insisted I would stay with him etc. But that's when things got complicated. I did not want to have sex with him before feeling confident with it (sorry for the ridiculous way of expressing myself earlier; I did not challenge him in the bad sense of the word). That's when he realized that this could take a different turn than what he was used to. I think he even thought I was a virgin. I do have the impression he was more of an orbiter, aka. willing and salivating. When I asked him to wait for having sex, he tried to keep it to the kissing and hugging but it was seemingly hard to stick to it. After a few days, it seems he just could not handle it anymore; that's when he expressed his will to stop showing affection for each other and leave it there as more would mean slippery slope... Well, you could say what I recommended and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) Sounds interesting. It would be wonderful if showing him that I am not the prude stuck up girl he may think would fix things... Edited January 21, 2017 by Jolientje Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think you're wasting precious time and that he has double standards which would turn me right off. Be careful or he'll start thinking of you as his mother. This isn't a stranger you are testing to see what the motive is. You've known this guy forever and are just exerting control over him. You already know if you're attracted. Youth doesn't last forever. Time is precious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Fun you are mentioning it; his Mother might be one of the reasons why all this has become so weird. She has an overwhelming importance in his life and wants him to get married (somehow pushing for me, even inviting me over when he's home without asking him!) It won't be easy getting over this; I have always ever only liked him and I am utterly frustrated to be left hungry for more. Yet, you are right, time is precious! Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Sounds like he is catching you at your own game. If he has really slept with loads of girls, then he knows a lot about how to persuade women to sleep with him. He knows that putting pressure on them doesn't always work. He is doing a subtle form of 'negs', usually saying negative things to a women to make her feel she is not good enough for him. In this case though, he is saying he is not going to go there (which has the same effect). He doesn't want to start anything if he does not feel there is a route to you both becoming intimate at some point, but as another poster says, why do you want a guy who has slept with loads of women? I think he is either not interested at all or he is playing a game with you to see if you will throw yourself at him in the end. Why bother with all this? It sounds like a tense situation, an impasse. It seems like he thinks women either sleep with him or not. He does not sound prepared to wait for you to get to know him in a romantic, loving way. I think he is just as locked into his game as you are. The only thing is, he has a track record of moving on to other women too. Link to post Share on other sites
selinaluv Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 It seems we both feel physical and intellectual attraction for each other. Yet, I like making a man wait before having sex, and challenged him before taking it to the next level. He quickly freaked out and thanked me for putting limits. In a very honest and open way, he then admitted he feels too much respect to have sex with me and he is not ready to get into a serious relationship. He confessed he had had hundreds of affairs with easy girls, but never made love with what he considers a lady he respects. Has he been asking you out consistently? If a man truly respects you, he will want that serious relationship. High respect for a woman does not hold them back if that is what you both want. Is a long-term relationship what you want? He wants to spend time with you, but does not want a serious relationship because he respects you. That doesn't really make sense. To me this sounds like he is just waiting for you to give the go ahead for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 He's waiting for you to say "I know you well now and I really want to have sex with you now". My question for you is, why do you want to have sex with a guy who's been with hundreds of women? Yup. This guy is playing on her emotions and challenging her boundaries. He is playing the 'respect' BS card and playing hard to get b/c he's been told he has to wait for sex. What a jack-wagon! OP, I don't know how much you really like this guy, but believe me, he's no gentleman and seriously doubt he respects you as much as he claims. The guy will likely continue finding other 'easy' ladies until you back-down on your waiting-for-sex requirement or play along long until you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Not sure what to think... As I mentioned, he has a huge responsibility as to whom he will marry. I have the impression he simply prefers avoiding anything that could lead to a serious relationship and eventually marriage, because he is not ready for it. He seems to be imagining that the right person will fall upon him the day he will decide to stop (or will be forced to stop) this egoistic way of living (just having casual sex). He even admitted he had developed a self-centered attitude which was nonetheless favorable for his career. It looks like he's petrified; afraid to lose his freedom and to give up his bachelor life, anxious to chose the right wife (he has a lot of pressure here) and nervous to face the responsibilities waiting for him at home (once he will be a married man). As a result, I think he just prefers building a wall to love and to anything that would force him to grow. Truth is, yes, I really like him a lot...I have the impression our paths have always grown closer and I can' help but believing we are made for each other (and his overwhelming Mother seems to think so too...) Link to post Share on other sites
selinaluv Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Not sure what to think... As I mentioned, he has a huge responsibility as to whom he will marry. I have the impression he simply prefers avoiding anything that could lead to a serious relationship and eventually marriage, because he is not ready for it. He seems to be imagining that the right person will fall upon him the day he will decide to stop (or will be forced to stop) this egoistic way of living (just having casual sex). He even admitted he had developed a self-centered attitude which was nonetheless favorable for his career. It looks like he's petrified; afraid to lose his freedom and to give up his bachelor life, anxious to chose the right wife (he has a lot of pressure here) and nervous to face the responsibilities waiting for him at home (once he will be a married man). As a result, I think he just prefers building a wall to love and to anything that would force him to grow. Truth is, yes, I really like him a lot...I have the impression our paths have always grown closer and I can' help but believing we are made for each other (and his overwhelming Mother seems to think so too...) Did you mention is age? You say your paths have grown closer, but it actually sounds like he is now pulling that apart. That is not what a man does when he really wants to be with a woman. Stop putting these honorable pressures on him. It is clear he doesn't want to be committed or married right now. He may eventually, but I wouldn't wait around for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Did you mention is age? You say your paths have grown closer, but it actually sounds like he is now pulling that apart. That is not what a man does when he really wants to be with a woman. Stop putting these honorable pressures on him. It is clear he doesn't want to be committed or married right now. He may eventually, but I wouldn't wait around for him. He is pulling apart on the physical side but he certainly made a lot of confessions that brought us closer on other levels. He is 33, I just turned 30. Link to post Share on other sites
selinaluv Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 He is pulling apart on the physical side but he certainly made a lot of confessions that brought us closer on other levels. He is 33, I just turned 30. If that is the case, then you may be getting moved into the friend zone. Men who are interested do not completely pull apart on the physical side. They may back off of sex based on your wishes, but they won't pull back on affection completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolientje Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 When he says we should stop showing each other signs of affection, it seems he's trying to convince himself more than anything else (to be honest, I have never made the first step to kiss him, hug him, etc.). Yet, it seems he sometimes can't help it, and embraces me to cross the road for example... Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 OP, I think you can't accept reality here. You told him he had to wait for sex. For him that means = relationship. He has told you he does want a relationship, and thus as a respectable guy, has stopped any further with you. If you push him to get close to you, he will not stick around. He has already told you what he is looking for = casual and no strings. Listen to him when he tells you. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 When he says we should stop showing each other signs of affection, it seems he's trying to convince himself more than anything else (to be honest, I have never made the first step to kiss him, hug him, etc.). Yet, it seems he sometimes can't help it, and embraces me to cross the road for example... There we go... this supports my theory. He likes you, he'd like nothing better than to go down that road with you, but he feels that you're just going to throw him over the edge one day. He doesn't mind that you had non-physical relationships with his friends, but he is mindful of the fact that none of them went anywhere. When he tried to get physical with you, you treated him no differently than you did his friends. He understands his fate, and is just trying to reconcile that to your expression of interest. He sounds a little too weak to walk away, but strong enough not to constantly make the same mistake with you by getting physical. If you really like this guy, it is up to you to kiss him and break that ice. Have a snog with him, as the British would say. Go slow with sex if you want, but you need to give him something concrete to hang onto, something that you can build on that indicates he's more than just the next discard in your life. You know, and at your age, I don't really know how slow you can go, so don't take forever, because then it gets all weird. If you don't want that kind of relationship with him, then give him a wide berth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 If you really like this guy, it is up to you to kiss him and break that ice. Have a snog with him, as the British would say. Go slow with sex if you want, but you need to give him something concrete to hang onto, something that you can build on that indicates he's more than just the next discard in your life. You know, and at your age, I don't really know how slow you can go, so don't take forever, because then it gets all weird. I agree with this. A guy said that to me once and I get the sense based on experience, that the kind of guy who'd say that wants you to take the lead. Or at least it seems that that's what you'll have to do to move things forward. Link to post Share on other sites
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