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4 dates and still no kiss???


Arp1388

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So I met a guy online a few weeks ago. It seemed like we really connected. We were talking and laughing constantly on every date. All the dates have been well thought out and initiated by him- the art museum, walks in the park, coffee on the city square...but he has still not initiated anything. We hugged after every date but that was it. Finally I initiated the fourth date after I knew I was going to be out of town for 2 weeks and told him as much. Still nothing so I held his hand and invited him up to my apartment at the end of the date. I know I gave off all the signs, was super encouraging and flirty, and then still no kiss at the end. Just a tiny awkward peck near my cheek. I texted him after the 3rd date which was dinner and a movie (I was already frustrated bc I've never been on a movie date like that and not had a guy hold my hand at least by the 3rd date). I asked him if he was looking for friendship or more and he said more-but he didn't want to cross a line with me or anything and wasn't sure. I felt like me reassuring him and initiating hand holding and cuddling should have been enough to make him at least try for a kiss after the 4th date.

 

Should I be worried he is not interested and let it go? Or is he just shy?? The last time I went this long without a kiss he turned out to be gay so I don't want to make that mistake again!! What would you do in this situation?

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CaliforniaGirl

Ooh...ouch...I honestly would not go forward from here. You invited him inside, how much clearer could you have been? He's not into this. Really sorry. :( Move on.

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I'm assuming that the two of you are out of High School...because this would be normal if you were 16-17.

 

So anyway, if you're older than that, instead of asking what he's looking for - tell him what you're looking for. Good communication goes both ways.

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Don't waste any more precious time on these worthless dates. Your two week trip comes at a perfect time...stop communicating with him, and just fade away like smoke. Holding hands should not take this long - "gayness" immediately jumped into my mind as well.

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If you want a kiss, you can kiss him first.

 

He sounds interested....He's planning dates and taking you out. Guys who aren't interested don't do that.

 

He mentioned not wanting to cross your line, so my guess is he's being uber respectful and trying to make sure he doesn't do something that offends you. See how he reacts to you kissing him. He did say he wants to be more than just friends.

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My read on the situation is that he is timid/shy/inexperienced with escalating physically with a woman.

 

 

If a guy goes on 4 dates with you, he is interested in you. He just doesn't sound like a risk taker when it comes to being sexual.

 

 

Either you have to take the lead, keep waiting until he FINALLY builds the confidence to escalate more aggressively, or let him go.

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purrrfectlyflawed

I agree, next time just kiss him. He may be very shy. I would not blow him off just because of this but if he is not receptive to the kiss then move on but it sounds like he is interested. Go for it.

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Some people just aren't in a rush to exchange saliva with just anyone.

 

It takes me a long time to desire to kiss a woman. My last few situations they literally got frustrated with me and asked why the hell haven't I kissed them yet. It took weeks and it didn't imply anything, just wasn't something I felt jumping into.

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I'm assuming that the two of you are out of High School...because this would be normal if you were 16-17.

 

So anyway, if you're older than that, instead of asking what he's looking for - tell him what you're looking for. Good communication goes both ways.

 

 

Right?? That's how this feels but I am 28 and he is 26!! Usually by date 3 or 4 guys are trying to get a whole lot more than a kiss! Lol! Although I'm not sure whether I should bring this up again. I already asked him about his intentions once. I feel like asking any more would make him feel more pressured and insecure if that is his issue

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My read on the situation is that he is timid/shy/inexperienced with escalating physically with a woman.

 

 

If a guy goes on 4 dates with you, he is interested in you. He just doesn't sound like a risk taker when it comes to being sexual.

 

 

Either you have to take the lead, keep waiting until he FINALLY builds the confidence to escalate more aggressively, or let him go.

 

 

That's what I was wondering too. He initiated the first three dates and drove almost an hour for the last one. I wouldn't think someone who wasn't interested in a person would do that. It definitely made me wonder though when I held his hand. Every time I had to pull my hand away for a second to do something during the date, he never took the initiative to grab my hand again afterwards. I always had to do it. I don't get that.

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Some people just aren't in a rush to exchange saliva with just anyone.

 

It takes me a long time to desire to kiss a woman. My last few situations they literally got frustrated with me and asked why the hell haven't I kissed them yet. It took weeks and it didn't imply anything, just wasn't something I felt jumping into.

 

 

Really?] I have to say I've never experienced this iwith any guy I was dating....... ever!

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CaliforniaGirl
Really?] I have to say I've never experienced this iwith any guy I was dating....... ever!

 

I haven't either. Even with the shyest guys, I sure did sense passion and desire. If they held back due to respect or not wanting to push me it was obvious that was what it was. It's something you can feel, and we, usually in the eyes.

 

If I didn't feel passion and desire behind the scenes at least in there somewhere, LOL, I don't think I'd say yes to the next date. Passion is pretty much a must to me and it tends to extend to other areas of life and I like that. JME.

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normal person
Do you really want to date a boy? or do you want to date a real man?

 

Exactly.

 

Right?? That's how this feels but I am 28 and he is 26!! Usually by date 3 or 4 guys are trying to get a whole lot more than a kiss!

 

Why are you wasting your time with a guy who has the social cues of someone half his age? You have the patience of a saint. I'd move onto the next one, but to each their own.

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With my male friends, if they don't kiss a woman it's because they are unsure of their romantic interest. Even the shy/inexperienced guys I've dated would give it a try if I gave them a big hint that it was OK.

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Are we ignoring the fact that maybe the dude just doesn't want to kiss yet? No one notices the irony regarding this and the complaining of men feeling entitled to sex within 4 dates?

 

He's not a man because he doesn't want to be intimate without being comfortable? I'm going to start saying women aren't real women when they don't acknowledge my social cues regarding having sex after a couple dates.

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CaliforniaGirl
With my male friends, if they don't kiss a woman it's because they are unsure of their romantic interest. Even the shy/inexperienced guys I've dated would give it a try if I gave them a big hint that it was OK.

 

Right...and see, this is the thing...there's NOTHING wrong with being shy, and not jumping right down a woman's throat. BUT if you're not giving her anything at all to go on...I don't know...that may be beyond, and going toward excessive and something a little bigger than "shy" (IMO - unless you're talking literally about kids who are new to dating, like, 14- or 15-year-olds; and the OP isn't).

 

So really...how willing are you to potentially be dragging this guy through EVERY aspect of the relationship? That's the question here.

 

Obviously it's too soon to make that judgment but I don't know...I'm not getting the vibe that the guy is really all that interested (asking for dates notwithstanding...someone can "keep dating" even without that pull, it happens) *or else* he is possibly so excessively uncomfortable/backward with relationships that this whole thing might just keep on being like pulling teeth.

 

Are you looking around in the meantime, OP?

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Are we ignoring the fact that maybe the dude just doesn't want to kiss yet? No one notices the irony regarding this and the complaining of men feeling entitled to sex within 4 dates?

 

He's not a man because he doesn't want to be intimate without being comfortable? I'm going to start saying women aren't real women when they don't acknowledge my social cues regarding having sex after a couple dates.

 

 

Men are expected to be the initiators, it's just the way it is. Women like confidence, and a man moving if for a kiss after the second or third date lets her know she is desired sexually....that is what we want...

 

And women don't want "hints" or "social cues" from men, we want them to make a move and take the lead. And this is what the OP likes to happen.

 

In a woman's eyes for a guy that "doesn't want to, or isn't ready" to kiss a woman after 4 dates makes her feel undesired....and she wonders what is wrong.

 

And who said she wanted sex? she just wants the guy to kiss her for f sakes.

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Men are expected to be the initiators, it's just the way it is. Women like confidence, and a man moving if for a kiss after the second or third date lets her know she is desired sexually....that is what we want...

 

And women don't want "hints" or "social cues" from men, we want them to make a move and take the lead. And this is what the OP likes to happen.

 

In a woman's eyes for a guy that "doesn't want to, or isn't ready" to kiss a woman after 4 dates makes her feel undesired....and she wonders what is wrong.

 

And who said she wanted sex? she just wants the guy to kiss her for f sakes.

 

I don't care what you want, men want women to give it up on the first date and you couldn't care less about that could you?

 

Like I said before you're ignoring the fact that he may simply not want to kiss her yet. Kissing may not seem like a lot to you but it's not her choice to make, it's his. The only choice for her is to decide if she's willing to bail over it, the same choices a man has if his date isn't putting out soon enough.

 

But all the "he's not a man" stuff is projection and misandry. It's his body, his lips, not sharing it with a woman he barely knows is his choice. Women aren't the only ones who can take ownership of their bodies.

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normal person
Are we ignoring the fact that maybe the dude just doesn't want to kiss yet?

 

No, at least I'm not. He can kiss whenever he's ready and willing. The issue is whether OP wants to wait around for that, whenever it might be. He's entitled to do things his way, and she's entitled to do things hers. Maybe those things are incompatible.

 

No one notices the irony regarding this and the complaining of men feeling entitled to sex within 4 dates?

 

There's a big difference between not kissing by date 4 and expecting sex by date 4. Also, there's a wide range of acceptability amongst both men and women. Some women are fine sleeping with a guy on date 4 or sooner. Some want to wait longer. For some, it depends on the guy and/or the circumstances.

 

He's not a man because he doesn't want to be intimate without being comfortable? I'm going to start saying women aren't real women when they don't acknowledge my social cues regarding having sex after a couple dates.

 

Perhaps the characterization of "not a man" was a bit crude, but I think I understand what she was saying, as in "not on par with the proclivities of most men -- having more in common with younger boys."

 

I'm all for doing things when you're ready and not having anyone push you to do something you don't want. But let's be honest, for a 26 year old adult, a reluctance or hesitation to simply kiss (not talking about sex here), which is an almost totally innocent, culturally acceptable, and non-threatening act of affection, is rather strange and I don't blame OP for questioning it, or the other posters for commenting on it as such. The guy is free not to kiss, OP is free to be bothered by it, and we're free to wonder about it as well.

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Right...and see, this is the thing...there's NOTHING wrong with being shy, and not jumping right down a woman's throat. BUT if you're not giving her anything at all to go on...I don't know...that may be beyond, and going toward excessive and something a little bigger than "shy" (IMO - unless you're talking literally about kids who are new to dating, like, 14- or 15-year-olds; and the OP isn't).

 

So really...how willing are you to potentially be dragging this guy through EVERY aspect of the relationship? That's the question here.

 

Obviously it's too soon to make that judgment but I don't know...I'm not getting the vibe that the guy is really all that interested (asking for dates notwithstanding...someone can "keep dating" even without that pull, it happens) *or else* he is possibly so excessively uncomfortable/backward with relationships that this whole thing might just keep on being like pulling teeth.

 

Are you looking around in the meantime, OP?

 

 

Yes I'm still looking around, but tbh I'm pretty discouraged. I've been dating a lot for the last two years since my divorce and it's been really bleak out there. This is the first guy I've felt much chemistry with in a while. I'm trying not to put all my eggs in one basket but I kinda hate to bail completely unless I know he is not interested. I mean, why would he be texting me everyday and paying to take me on dates if he isn't?

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