Friend with benefits

[Stopme]

OK, I have been separated for almost 12 months, not ready for a relationship and not looking. However, I did meet someone recently at a party. We are attracted to each other and have been seeing each other and yes it is sexual. He has told me he doesn't want a relationship and I am fine with that. But he looks into my eyes and stays over after the deed. There is limited communication here and he always seems to be keeping his distance. Not sure how to be friends with benefits, I feel there is more in it than that but neither of us wants to go there. Or maybe I do and he doesn't. Should I just stop doing this?

[Satu]

'Friends With Benefits' is what you call a relationship between two people who are afraid of themselves.

 

Afraid of their own feelings, or what they might feel later.

 

ymmv

 

 

Take care.

[Stopme]

Yeah, I think its stupid really. Like sitting on the fence. Its also probably OK for young people but we are 45! I agree with you. PS what is ymmv?

[Mumbles]

ymmv, your mileage might vary ... means your experience might be different.

 

 

There is a subtle but important difference between FWB and a 'booty call' or what some call F*ck Buddies.

 

Not that its actually that important to choose the right label for things of course, but perhaps it might provide some clarity.

 

Booty Calls, in my experience, are two people who obviously know each other, perhaps quite well even, but their relationship is strictly sexual. They probably have quite different personalities and likely don't have a 'meeting of the minds' style relationship, although there are no strict boundaries really, so no particular reason why a booty call couldn't morph into a FWB if there was enough commonality between the two of you.

 

FWB's in my view are strongly "F", friends, first. Generally, but not always, the participants will be single, mature and understand that they are great friends, but perhaps not right for each other, relationship wise, for any number of reasons - yet, as adults, agree with each other that there is no reason why they shouldn't engage in the pleasure of sexual congress ... I mean, really, why not? If its right for both.

 

The trick with both, and particularly with the FWB, is to be somewhat clear about intention and have good comms. The good comms is important, even with a booty call, because feelings can change in an ongoing sexual relationship. This can lead to bad outcomes, and, sadly, often does.

 

If feelings change, in the direction of a LTR, then that needs to be spoken of. Because if its not mutual then you end up with unrequited love ... heh, and trouble, usually ending with the loss of your friend.

 

I wouldn't put any age limit on it. I had an FWB in my mid forties, it was wonderful - though as with most of these stories, it ended badly.

[Stopme]

Thanks Mumbles, much appreciate the clarification and agree. Mr bonk and I are not friends because the sex was there straight away. We know there's chemistry between us. That's why I think FB or FWB won't really work, there should be no emotion really between you if you are either of these. So what are we if we are not FWB, FBs and don't want a relationship? Well to answer my own question I probably do want a relationship but he has just come out of something so might be using me for rebound sex. That makes it even more complicated

[Satu]

You have to be very careful with rebounds; the worst case is falling hard for someone with a head full of somebody else.

 

Generally speaking, it's best not a good idea to get involved with someone who's recently out of a significant relationship.

 

But there are no rules... Just follow your own best judgment and intuition, and you'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[Mumbles]

Personally I've never had a FWB that lasted the test of time. I think the probability of success possibly rests with ones ability to compartmentalise. I'm ok with it now, but struggled previously.

 

"Without emotion" sounds awful, as words, doesn't it? I'd prefer to think that these relationships can be full of passion. Its not masturbation after all.

 

Particularly difficult is the FWB, because its quite possible to love your friend(s) but still not feel romantic about them, yet, at the same time, find them sexually interesting. Its skating on thin ice to try and maintain that whilst in the grips of a passionate sexual affair though.

 

With the FB arrangement, theres probably less loss when the fling ends, because you weren't invested in them as friends anyway. But you've got to catch it early if things feel like they are progressing.

 

But really, and I'm speaking here knowing you are a mature women, can't we all be adults about sex? I think we can, we just need to exercise our combined experience and watch out for flags, which, by mid life, are generally fairly easy to read.

[BrokenBranches]

Having been 2 months out of a good friends turned fwb turned casual dating, tread lightly for sure. My first FWB, mind you. It lasted 10 months, only 5 of those REALLY GOOD and the rest a hot and cold mess. Our connection was incredible. SHE started saying i love you, saying how perfect i was and all that. Yet she never felt ready for a exclusive relationship. I stupidly stuck with it thinking i'd rather at least sexual and coupley than not with her at all

 

I'll probably avoid fwb with someone who is rebounding. I guess it'll depend on how much i like them or not though. Def not with someone I like A LOT lol.

[joseb]

OK, I have been separated for almost 12 months, not ready for a relationship and not looking.

 

I probably do want a relationship but he has just come out of something so might be using me for rebound sex.

 

These two statement are completely contradictory.

Which is it?

 

If you are so unsure then it's going to be hard to give advice.

[Stopme]

Thanks Joseb, good observation. I've answered my own question really, it seems I don't actually know what I want either so I should either turn off any emotion/passion so I don't feel anything or not go there anymore at all