What does she want?

[Radarsat]

Okay, here I go...

 

I met this girl back in May 2016 and we've been romantically involved on and off since then. I've dated in between where things weren't progressing with her just to keep my mind off her since I was falling for her pretty hard and she didn't want to commit.

 

She comes from a highly abusive upbringing and marriage of 10 years which ended in April 2015. Her ex has a restraining order against him with limited supervised visits with his and her 4 children, whom she has full custody off. She has her hands full and the kids exploded in a negative way when her and the kids escaped the family home and lived in a woman's shelter for 5 months before she got an apartment in late 2015. He was abusive to her and the kids in a physical, emotional and sexually abusive manner.

 

When we first met she told me she didn't know what she wanted but that she also had some strong feelings for another man. She fell in love with someone who is in a position of authority and ethics come massively into play with it in regards to this potential relationship being appropriate or not. She doesn't see that of course. I believe it may be transference. I also believe he may have legit feelings for her, which means he without a doubt is being innappropriate. It's been almost 2 years since these feelings developed with him and he's done nothing about it. She's just sitting and waiting. So she told me this and said if I still wanted to date then she'd like that because she can't wait for this guy forever but doesn't know when she will give up on him.

 

We became best friends essentially. Even when we weren't dating and we weren't FWB, we were very close. To the point where we both said we're spending TOO much time together. But neither one of us seems to ever want to stop. We always seemed to fall back into eachother's arms romantically. And we really enjoy our time together. We dont' even watch tv together. All we do is talk. It's something I've never experienced before.

 

I told her in mid Sept or so that I loved her. About a month or so later she told me the same. In December she said that she has been living in denial and that she was prepared to label our relationship as us dating and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend as she knows that I want to be exclusive with her despite her saying that she doesn't know when (could be months, years) but she would still like a chance to see where things could go with this other guy if there is ever an opportunity. She knows I would need to break up with her if she doesn't close that door eventually, but she may not she says, she doens't want to look too far into the future.

 

Ever since we labelled it as girlfriend/boyfriend, she has been having major anxiety attacks, very moody with me and we've fought almost 2-3 times a week. We NEVER fought before.

 

Yesterday I posted a picture of her and I on instagram and tagged her in the photo and put a #luckyboyfriend in the post. She ended up texting me saying it was a horrible picture. I told her I'd take it down and did. She said OK. I said are you mad and she said no. But I went over later that night and she says, "I'm quite upset at you!" It was over the fact that I tagged her and that her ex and his family doesn't know about us being labelled now (even though he always refers to me as her boyfriend - she doesn't respond to it). She said she's not ready to tell them and she is confused herself on the future. Doesn't know now if she wants to ever live with someone and feels that I do want that eventually. She also says that it makes her riled up and she's not even sure where things will go with us. She said that I wasn't even sure, which is true of course. Which led to confusion between us on where we were going and what our expectations were. The #luckyboyfriend thing makes her feel pressured. So I suggested that we drop labelling the relationship and go back to being friends who are just dating. I left eventually and then she texted me saying it was not her intention to end it and said sorry. We talked on the phone and I said, I wasn't ending it either, I just suggested that we stop calling ourselves a couple and go back to just enjoying our time together while dating. I said, "but maybe you don't even want that anymore?" Only silence. Hello? Then she says, "I don't know. I'm so sorry." I said take some time. She said yeah, maybe I just need time to process it all. She said she'll talk to me tomorrow about it, but it "won't be anything shocking or anything". I told her that I loved her very much and cared for her and that she doesn't have to say that back right now but it was important for me to say it. She said, I still love you and I want to say it too. We said goodnight and that was it. I'm supposed to go over to her place for dinner and chat tonight.

 

This mornings texts:

Her: Good morning

Me: He Good morning.;.

Her: How are you?

Me: Not that good, but working away. How's your morning?

Her: Not bad we were just on time (her kids/school)

Me: Oh that's good to hear!

 

Nothing more. I would really appreciate some advice on this.

[CloudyHead]

My knee jerk reaction is "Yikes"! You are dealing with a woman who has several issues. Abusive marriage. Damaged children. She is damaged herself. She has feelings for someone else. There is a lot of healing that needs to occur for herself and her children. The fact that she is balking at change in your relationship status speaks volumes - she just isn't ready for such a relationship with you. I would move on.

[Lilyana76]

This woman needs to take some time, and some counseling before she jumps into any romantic relationship!

 

She should spend some time with her kids, get to know herself, grow as a person. The fact that she blew up about a photo of both of you together, shows she isn't ready for a relationship. She hasn't moved on.

 

I think you should break it off before things get completely out of hand. And believe me it will.

[smackie9]

Run Forest run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Radarsat]

She dumped me last night. Says she knows I don't believe her, but that she does really love me still very much, but she doesn't know what she wants. Even if she drops the "boyfriend" / "girlfriend" label, she's not sure if she'll be comfortable going back to having just a "thing" with me since it will feel like dating and she doesn't want to date or have a commitment with anyone...apparently even the 'other' guy. So we broke up. I told her I can't be just friends and not to contact me unless she changes her mind. So that's it. Said goodbye to her kids (one of them was crying his eyes out) and left. I'm a total mess. Thanks for the advice guys. It's probably for the best I know, but I'm just devastated at the moment. I thought I found the one this time. Never had someone treat me that well ever.

[IfonlyIknew]

That sucks I'm sorry. BUT the good news is, no READY woman will be scared away from "lables/titles". This is insecurity vs confidence. Should your relationship gone any further, it would be a rocky unstable road. It sucks of course, may till now is a long time these days, but consider it a lesson learned, you will be able to see a bit more clear the traits of an insecure woman who is not ready to give her all.

[Radarsat]

Am I being a dick by telling her I can't be friends with her anymore? Initially I told her a nubmer of times actually that I would never be able to not have her in my life and no matter what happened, I would remain a part of her life. But given what has happened, like her, my mind has changed and I just can't do the friends thing. Am I being a jerk?

[Pill]

Am I being a dick by telling her I can't be friends with her anymore? Initially I told her a nubmer of times actually that I would never be able to not have her in my life and no matter what happened, I would remain a part of her life. But given what has happened, like her, my mind has changed and I just can't do the friends thing. Am I being a jerk?

 

It's by far the best thing to do, she'd only end up using you whenever it's convenient and dropping you whenever you grow attached.

[Lilyana76]

Am I being a dick by telling her I can't be friends with her anymore? Initially I told her a nubmer of times actually that I would never be able to not have her in my life and no matter what happened, I would remain a part of her life. But given what has happened, like her, my mind has changed and I just can't do the friends thing. Am I being a jerk?

 

No, not at all. You need to look out for yourself, no one else is going to. I think going a no contact route would be the best for both of you.

[Radarsat]

Lol...so she doesn't want to date anyone right? So I went on POF (yeah, I know I know I did it too) to check to see if she had been on there. The NEXT morning after we broke up she's on there at 9:47 AM, apparently according to her friend just checking her messages. Who in the hell bothers to check their dating messages on POF if you aren't interested in dating anyone anymore? She told me it wasn't just me, even the 'other' guy she has feelings for, she wouldn't' want to date anyone. Am I THAT naive?

[Radarsat]

Speaking through other friends, I pissed her off checking her out online to see if she'd been on POF. I know I had my reasons, but I do feel guilty in terms of me still trying to have control over conflict or someone else. I sent her a text appologizing and she said thank you.

 

Her friend said she thinks she just needs a few days alone with her kids. And I'm still not sure if I can just be friends with her. I realize now that she's not ready for a relationship. And you know what? I'm probably not ready either. I went away from March till end of May of 2016 to a hospital for anxiety and depression. And when I got out (actually I met her the weekend before I got out) I started seeing her almost immediately. So, I haven't really had a chance since my marriage separation (Aug 2015) to learn to be alone and love myself.

 

Given what I'm saying, and I do care for her, would it be insane for me to try to be her friend (not now, I'm not ready for it yet) down the road? I'm wondering if this would be a good exercise for me and showing more maturity that I can remain friends with her when the time has come that I'm ready to do so (stronger mentally and truly working on loving me).

 

Advice? I need it. Thanks everyone.

[Lilyana76]

honestly i would take the time and spend it on you. I wouldn't encourage a friendship with this woman right now, as she needs to work on herself as well.

 

Explain to her that you need time to heal and figure yourself out, and you wish her well and hope everything works out for her, but you need to take time for YOU.

 

then... TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOU! I can't stress enough how good it was for me to take a little over a year to myself, to learn about me, to heal and to learn how to love myself after my marriage ended. It was much needed, and I know I'm in a better place now because of it. You will get there

[Radarsat]

I think it's the "rescuer" in me, but somehow I feel like I'm completely abandoning her. At one point I told her, no matter what happens with us, I would always be by her side. I'm so distraught over this.

[Lilyana76]

Maybe the rescuer in you needs to focus on rescuing yourself, or maybe the rescuer in you can rescue her by letting her go and hoping she gets the help she needs to figure herself out.

 

It's one thing to be a supportive friend, but its hard to do that if there are even remotely romantic interests involved.

 

Would both of you be able to do it?

[Radarsat]

I think she can do it without a doubt. It's just her nature to do so and she never eliminates anyone (maybe to a fault) in her life.

 

I'm not sure I can do it....right now. But I want to think that I can eventually. Once I've gotten over the fact that we are no longer romantic partners. A week ago today I had texts from her saying "I love you so much". It hurts, but I want to be with her. She said to me once, "You are the only one who believes in me". And I do, so it breaks my heart that I can't see her grow. Maybe in time?

[Cookiesandough]

Proceed with caution. She's been through a lot of stuff that can harm a person's ability to have a healthy relationship. My heart goes out to her fault but if she hasn't worked through them enough, and it seems she hasn't, any relationship might be very troublesome. She is not willing to label your relationship after a year..take pics down... something's very off here. Just be careful.

[Radarsat]

I indeed need to proceed with caution for sure. I'm just not ready to engage with her, if ever, which is what breaks my heart. We had such a connection despite her damaged heart and mind. I really thought (don't we all) that this was my one true love. I'm just at a loss in terms of getting her off my mind. Part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to forget her. Ugh!