Miss Peach Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I've been dating BF for 4 months now. In some ways he seems very serious about me such as he calls me his GF all the time, takes me to meet his friends, took me to the holidays at his parents, etc. We usually see each other 3-4 times per week. Most of the time he's a good BF but lately he's gotten into the habit of saying something like 'Let's go to dinner Wednesday night' and then when I talk to him the day before (and sometimes the day of) to finalize the plans he informs me he made other plans. Sometimes he invites me to his new plans and sometimes he doesn't. I had a conversation with him last week that I've noticed this has happened a few times. I told him I don't mind him making plans without me. I have an issue when he reserves my time and then makes plans over our plans. I told him I found that rude. He agreed and apologized right away. I'm a single parent (he isn't) and I only have so much kid-free time. I told him that maximizing that kid-free time is important to me and that even though I want to see him he's may not be the priority in my plans. However he just did it to me last night. We talked over the weekend about having dinner tonight and he informed me last night that he scheduled an exercise class and a meetup. He wanted to come over after his plans and I just turned him down and told him to pick a different day. I'm trying to figure what else I can do to get through to him to respect my time. If this keeps up I know I'll have to let him go but I don't want to dump him just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I've been dating BF for 4 months now. In some ways he seems very serious about me such as he calls me his GF all the time, takes me to meet his friends, took me to the holidays at his parents, etc. We usually see each other 3-4 times per week. Most of the time he's a good BF but lately he's gotten into the habit of saying something like 'Let's go to dinner Wednesday night' and then when I talk to him the day before (and sometimes the day of) to finalize the plans he informs me he made other plans. Sometimes he invites me to his new plans and sometimes he doesn't. I had a conversation with him last week that I've noticed this has happened a few times. I told him I don't mind him making plans without me. I have an issue when he reserves my time and then makes plans over our plans. I told him I found that rude. He agreed and apologized right away. I'm a single parent (he isn't) and I only have so much kid-free time. I told him that maximizing that kid-free time is important to me and that even though I want to see him he's may not be the priority in my plans. However he just did it to me last night. We talked over the weekend about having dinner tonight and he informed me last night that he scheduled an exercise class and a meetup. He wanted to come over after his plans and I just turned him down and told him to pick a different day. I'm trying to figure what else I can do to get through to him to respect my time. If this keeps up I know I'll have to let him go but I don't want to dump him just yet. You've addressed this a number of times now and he is not accommodating your needs. The next time he makes plans with you, you nail down all the details and ask him to confirm the night before and if he fails to do that, you tell him that this does not work for you and that you are moving on. It's unacceptable for him to do that . . . don't keep allowing him to treat you like a doormat. If this is how a man treats you at 4 months, it's how he'll be treating you later. When you express a need, you sit back and observe whether they make the effort to accommodate it. You can address it again when it happens, but not over and over again. You've created a boundary -- don't treat my time like it's disposable -- if you do, you will find me indisposed the next time you want to see me. In fact, as much as this sounds passive-aggressive, it's really just reinforcing what you've told him -- when he picks another day -- you can't make it. Make yourself less available for a bit. Passive-aggressive is what a person does without having communicated what's bothering them. Enforcing boundaries is what a person does after a need is communicated and not being accommodated. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Respect is the most important aspect of a relationship. Ask yourself does he “truly” respect you? In some ways he seems very serious about me such as he calls me his GF all the time, takes me to meet his friends Well first of all this does not imply seriousness at all.... Most of the time he's a good BF but lately he's gotten into the habit of saying something like 'Let's go to dinner Wednesday night' and then when I talk to him the day before (and sometimes the day of) to finalize the plans he informs me he made other plans. Sometimes he invites me to his new plans and sometimes he doesn't. I'm trying to figure what else I can do to get through to him to respect my time. OP, If you value yourself, never settle for mediocre treatment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 His actions are saying you're not that important to him. Odd leave if it happens again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Is he doing this intentionally or is he just really forgetful? The one suggestion is to make sure he puts these things in his calendar so they are actually scheduled. Then if he keeps planning over them you'll know where you stand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Peach Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 You've addressed this a number of times now and he is not accommodating your needs. When you express a need, you sit back and observe whether they make the effort to accommodate it. You can address it again when it happens, but not over and over again. You've created a boundary -- don't treat my time like it's disposable -- if you do, you will find me indisposed the next time you want to see me. I only had the one conversation with him but it was just last week and he did it again this week. I do agree with you I set the boundary and it's time to enforce it. I told him the consequence was he wouldn't get the same priority and time on my calendar and I've been making good on that by scheduling more with friends and other interests. Is he doing this intentionally or is he just really forgetful? The one suggestion is to make sure he puts these things in his calendar so they are actually scheduled. Then if he keeps planning over them you'll know where you stand. I'm not sure. That's partly why I didn't want to just dump him over it. He seemed surprised when I brought it up. But if it's intentional I agree it speaks volumes that his words and actions aren't matching. OP, If you value yourself, never settle for mediocre treatment. Totally agree with this. I was hoping to get some ideas to enforce this isn't OK before resorting to dumping him. His actions are saying you're not that important to him. Odd leave if it happens again. Yes his words are about how I'm the most amazing woman he's ever dated but I agree that's not what his actions are saying. Even if he forgets, it seems like he would want to get that time with me if his words are any indication. I would like to enforce the boundary a bit to see if that changes his tune since the conversation didn't. After that I will break it off if it continues. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I wouldn't put up with it...... Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) You really should have addressed it when it happened again. As in See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What's the story? Is this going to continue, because I won't put up with it.You missed your best chance to make an impression he shouldn't forget. Also, I'll just point out that being the most amazing woman he's ever dated and being an amazing woman are two different things. So don't get all wrapped up in that kind of talk. It's a qualified endorsement. Edited January 18, 2017 by mightycpa Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I wouldn't tolerate it. If you don't insist on changes it will just continue. Better to end the relationship now than wait two years when the final straw of disrespect breaks the camel's back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Peach Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 You really should have addressed it when it happened again. As in You missed your best chance to make an impression he shouldn't forget. If it had been in person I would have addressed but he informed me over text and I didn't want to pick a fight over text or try to hash it out over text as I don't feel it's a good way to communicate that sort of stuff. The first thing I did was remind him he had made plans with me. I also told him I wasn't going to be seeing him that night. But I didn't go hard on it like 'remember that conversation I had with you last week.... you just did it again to me". Part of the problem is every time he informs me of this crap it's over text where it's so difficult to discuss anything. Often times it's also in places one or both of us can't talk like work. So last time I waited until I saw him in person the next day and told him I found that behavior rude. This time it will be a few days before I see him. I'm torn whether to harp on it in the moment over text or wait. Regardless, I'm going to start filling up my calendar without him and if he wants to see me he's going to have to ask for it in advance with a date and time like he did at the beginning. I'm no longer going to just assume anything. I'm willing to see if he's willing to get with the program within the next week or two. I have a feeling I'm going to have to end this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Peach Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I wouldn't tolerate it. If you don't insist on changes it will just continue. Better to end the relationship now than wait two years when the final straw of disrespect breaks the camel's back. I am insisting. Don't worry... I'm not going two years like this. I was thinking more like give it two weeks and then break it off if it happens again and/or nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
ElizabethIII Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I had a guy who did this. Stony cold silence was the reply he got when he cancelled. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingDeadGrl Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I am a single Mom and I've been with my new guy for 4 months also. The only time he has cancelled was because of work which to me is completely understandable. If he has made plans with friends he usually tells me ahead of time and we schedule around it. A couple times we have pushed plans due to other reasons but its usually always mutual. I feel like this is how it should be, for anyone... It's respect for the person you're with and their time. If you already talked to him about him doing this and he did it within days of you speaking to him about it then he doesn't see you as a priority. He is also telling you by text, which seems to be a cowardly way to get out of your plans. I would respond by text on how you feel because you spoke to him in person and that didn't seem to do anything to change his behavior. I wouldn't put up with this for long. It's rude and disrespectful. Especially after you told him it bothers you! Link to post Share on other sites
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