Brittybritt92 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi guys, thank you for reading my post, I would really appreciate any feedback/discussion. So I went on a date last night with a guy I met online, and I wasn't sure how I would feel about him just because his pictures seemed like he wasn't necessarily my type, but we had a lot of fun talking and he was very intelligent, which is a huge turn on for me. I've always been a bigger girl and I've never had a problem finding dates, but last night was just all around weird. I'm currently living with my mother to try and help her save our family home, it's fine but I'm 24... and sometimes her advice is just the worst. Anyways the other day I went out and got some spanx just for in general, I like that they can hold in my tummy sometimes when I'm feeling a little bloated, etc. Back to the date last night- Right before I was about to leave, my mother told me my hair looked awful and tried curling it--looked fried. I felt sooo insecure walking out the door and that's just not my style. The minute he saw me he gave me kind of a weird look and I couldn't tell if he was excited/nervous/or "oh god". He's a very intelligent, nerdy and somewhat shy guy (we talked on the phone a few times) so I was expecting the nervousness. We talked the whole time and laughed, but ultimately I didn't think there was much of a connection there, and clearly he didn't see much of one either. I sent him a text after dinner saying "Thanks again it was nice meeting you" and no response... Ouch! I try to be very honest about who I am in terms of pictures on dating sites, I also say upfront that I'm a curvier girl, and talk to guys on the phone, add them on my facebook and instagram etc. of course I don't take a picture of myself with a face mask on or something, but I felt like this guy was surprised at how I looked. I know I've gained a little weight this year, so I'm trying to be as upfront about my looks as possible to save time... it was just a bit of an ego crusher. But this morning I told my mom about the date and she said "Yeah. sometimes people just get this 'oh god, gross' look on their face and you just know". And she told me the fact that I bought spanx was a clear sign I wasn't ready to date. I would say I'm a curvier, bigger girl with a tummy... but I take incredibly good care of myself and have started working out again, etc. etc. I just don't feel like I should have to wait until "I lose another 5 lbs." or whatever to go out and have fun! BTW this guy I went out with last night had a big round tummy-- attraction is attraction, but come on! I have another date with a guy I reeeally like on Friday, we went to the same high school and from the looks of his facebook, he has friends that are girls that are the same size or bigger than me, but it looks like his ex was a thinner girl (not stalking, just observing!). I just feel a little low right now, and my meddling mom isn't helping. Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Size doesn't always have as much effect in 2 dimensions, there will be some guys who look at your picture and say yeah, she looks okay, but when they see you in person you may be too heavy for them. It doesn't excuse rude behavior but that is a different issue. Lots of women wear spanx, I hardly see that as a sign you aren't ready to date. And there are many men who are happy to go out with a bigger girl. Advice is stop telling meddling Mom when you are going on dates. Just because you are living with her doesn't make you a child again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Move out of your mom's house. Your 24 get your own independence. She sounds awful btw. How can a mother be so cruel? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 There's no such thing as too big to date. You are being honest with people about who you are / what you look like before you meet them - but there will always be a difference between how people interpret you in a photo versus real life. That will happen no matter what size you are. It sounds to me like you were feeling insecure about how you looked before you went out (which happens to all of us once in a while!) and it affected how you interpreted everything. If you had gone out feeling fabulous and cute, you likely would have interpreted the whole evening differently - more like "oh well, his loss!" Also, don't let your mom put her insecurities onto you. I agree with the PP - keep dates to yourself as much as you can! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radarsat Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Honestly hun, I've learned over the past year and a half that I like all sizes. And some real bigger girls are sometimes the most attractive. I wouldn't pay any attention to it and just focus on making yourself feel better. Keep up with exercising (that's wonderful!) and keep going on dates. There will be a guy that doesn't care AT ALL about how your body looks. In fact, he'll love it! You'll get there and you'll find him. It's hard, I know, but don't let others deflate you too much. Good luck! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Your mother thinks she's truly helping. This is a pretty common family dynamic and it can get us right in the gut, yes. As for the guy's reaction, are your photos very clear, not Facebook posed to look thinner, are full body shots and so on? Be 100% honest in your his way BEFORE you meet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Well, you definitely aren't too fat to date. That's absurd. Women of all sizes date. And women of all sizes wear Spanx, so nothing wrong with that either. As long as you are accurately representing your figure, there is no issue. I try to be very honest about who I am in terms of pictures on dating sites, I also say upfront that I'm a curvier girl, and talk to guys on the phone, add them on my facebook and instagram etc. of course I don't take a picture of myself with a face mask on or something, but I felt like this guy was surprised at how I looked. I know I've gained a little weight this year, so I'm trying to be as upfront about my looks as possible to save time... it was just a bit of an ego crusher. "Curvy" does not mean overweight. It's misleading to say that if you are really trying to say you are a "bigger girl" or overweight. You can weigh 100 lbs and still be curvy. If you've gained weight, just be sure to use current pictures so there are no surprises. Again, as long as you are accurately showing what you look like via your pictures (including full body pictures), your dates have no reason to be upset. If the recent guy seemed surprised by your weight, you should think about why that might be the case. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Dear girl, please don't be discouraged. Not every date will go well. Keep trying and you will find a nice guy... They are out there. And, be careful of you mom. She should be encouraging you and wanting only the best for you in your life. The things she has said are hurtful and not very supportive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Well, you definitely aren't too fat to date. That's absurd. Women of all sizes date. And women of all sizes wear Spanx, so nothing wrong with that either. As long as you are accurately representing your figure, there is no issue. "Curvy" does not mean overweight. It's misleading to say that if you are really trying to say you are a "bigger girl" or overweight. You can weigh 100 lbs and still be curvy. If you've gained weight, just be sure to use current pictures so there are no surprises. Again, as long as you are accurately showing what you look like via your pictures (including full body pictures), your dates have no reason to be upset. If the recent guy seemed surprised by your weight, you should think about why that might be the case. Thanks for your response! I appreciate the feedback, but politely disagree.. 100 lbs is not 'curvy'. I have and always will have curves. Boobs, butt, hourglass shape, etc. I think that everyone has a different opinion of 'curvy' and to only describe yourself as curvy could probably be misleading, I agree!! But at the same time, my pictures make it very clear I'm not 100lbs. lol. I have never edited photos, or used old photos (I think I looked less attractive when I was younger!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 There's no such thing as too big to date. You are being honest with people about who you are / what you look like before you meet them - but there will always be a difference between how people interpret you in a photo versus real life. That will happen no matter what size you are. It sounds to me like you were feeling insecure about how you looked before you went out (which happens to all of us once in a while!) and it affected how you interpreted everything. If you had gone out feeling fabulous and cute, you likely would have interpreted the whole evening differently - more like "oh well, his loss!" Also, don't let your mom put her insecurities onto you. I agree with the PP - keep dates to yourself as much as you can! Thank you for your response! I came to that same conclusion earlier, I had fried hair, my makeup was not my normal natural looking makeup and I changed my outfit 20 million times because my family didn't like them. I left the house feeling literally like a clown... I've always been able to rock a date with confidence, this time was not the same. This next date on Friday I'm going to prepare ahead of time, and leave without expert opinions from micromanagement! Thank you <3 so far the best response 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 It's hard to date when you live at home. Your mom is going to want to know where you're going and who with and your dates will see you in a different light than if you were living on your own. Can you and your mom take walks or join a gym together since she brought it up that in her opinion you weigh too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Move out of your mom's house. Your 24 get your own independence. She sounds awful btw. How can a mother be so cruel? At the moment it's a matter of saving our family home we grew up in, I just need to give myself a bit more space. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittybritt92 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 It's hard to date when you live at home. Your mom is going to want to know where you're going and who with and your dates will see you in a different light than if you were living on your own. Can you and your mom take walks or join a gym together since she brought it up that in her opinion you weigh too much? Haha I go to the gym every day! I love going hiking with my mom, she's heavier though and it's harder to get her to attain the same level of activity. I think she may have been projecting her own insecurities onto me. The spanx issue wasn't a weight issue for her, but rather she feels I'm not confident enough to be dating BECAUSE I wanted to wear spanx. Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 **female poster disclaimer** It is possible to be 100lbs and curvy. I'm definitely not curvy so I'm not talking about myself , but I know people who are tiny (5'2" and under) who are hour-glass, they don't weigh any more than 100 - 110lbs, which, for their height, is considered a normal BMI. Afterall fat doesn't weigh as much as muscles. As for your weight, what matters is how YOU feel about yourself. If you're happy with the way you look, that confidence radiates and creates attractiveness. I also know women who are definitely "overweight" BMI speaking, but they're also incredibly attractive because of the way they carry themselves I'd be all over them if I was a male On the flip side, my BMI was always in the normal range, but back when I had poor eating habits and had some extra weight compared to my baseline, I had a poor self-image. You can be overweight and still sexy, or normal weight and... not. You gotta love yourself first before others do. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Something I've learned from hanging out with men is that if they ask you out (especially after seeing you in person) they are attracted to you. So you already passed that test. Something I've learned as I've gotten older is that people will match or they won't. Not every date will go well. Not everyone is a good match for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I'm going to say that if you think you might be too fat to date, then you probably are. It sounds like this bothers you, not a lot, but a little, so the next time you eat, you should think about it. Take control of the things you can control. You're the only one who can do anything about it. If it bothers you, then do something about it. Don't blame your mom or spanx or how the guy looked at you. Don't rest your hopes that you'll meet some guy who enjoys heavier women. Do something about it. Or, alternatively, decide that it's no big deal and don't do anything. But whatever you do, don't worry about it. Just do something about whatever troubles you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 At the moment it's a matter of saving our family home we grew up in, I just need to give myself a bit more space. You can't do that at the expense of your freedom though. If your mom needs extra money she can always rent out a room to someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Haha I go to the gym every day! I love going hiking with my mom, she's heavier though and it's harder to get her to attain the same level of activity. I think she may have been projecting her own insecurities onto me. The spanx issue wasn't a weight issue for her, but rather she feels I'm not confident enough to be dating BECAUSE I wanted to wear spanx. Sandra Bullock wore spanx in The Heat but that's not why they named it that. They were cops. Sandra Bullock is really thin though. If your mom is heavier than you she may have been just taking her bad mood out on you. Does she do that a lot? Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 At the moment it's a matter of saving our family home we grew up in, I just need to give myself a bit more space. Sometimes you have to lose in order to grow... Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Too fat to date??? NEVER! In fact, there are a lot of men out there that call themselves "chubby chasers". my dear, please believe me, there will be a day in your life where you will wake up and not give a sh*t about your physical appearance. If people like you, cool, if not, no skin off your knees. Right? Nobody is physically perfect, even models and actors will tell you their photos are brushed up a lot. I hate the media and what they do to press their idea of beauty on society. and btw.. I <3 my spanks! What men, and your mother need to understand, that 90 percent of what a woman wears (spanks, bras, make up) we do it to make ourselves feel better! It has nothing to do with dating, or fooling someone into liking us for our looks. We feel more confident and lovely! Just like a man would feel if they put on batmans cape, or drove his car. They would feel like batman! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 my dear, please believe me, there will be a day in your life where you will wake up and not give a sh*t about your physical appearance. I get what you're saying, but let's hope it doesn't get as severe as you've described. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 lol I'm not saying you don't take care of yourself I'm saying you don't care if other people like how you look or not Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 and btw.. I <3 my spanks! What men, and your mother need to understand, that 90 percent of what a woman wears (spanks, bras, make up) we do it to make ourselves feel better! It has nothing to do with dating, or fooling someone into liking us for our looks. We feel more confident and lovely! Just like a man would feel if they put on batmans cape, or drove his car. They would feel like batman! My Mom told me that if I go on dates wearing my batman cape that means I'm not ready to date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Well, I love batman! Your mom is wrong, some chicks dig it... However, if you need a bib at the dinner table, or me to cut up your food, you are not ready to date 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 OP, there's no such thing as too fat to be dating. Or too anything to be dating really. And not being attracted to someone on a first date is hardly rare, regardless of size and shape of the person you're on the date with. It's actually pretty common, especially with online dating. I will say however to get rid of any ambiguous language like "curvy" and "bigger". Those don't really say much. I always liked it when women just stated their height and weight and then had clear pictures, including full body shots. Shows they're not hiding behind anything and a take it or leave it attitude. If you're attracted, great, if I'm too big for you, also great... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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