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Boyfriend Doesn't Like to Travel or Want me to Travel


rubia73

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Traveling is a big part of my life. I lived abroad in Spain for awhile and I go back to visit my friends yearly or twice a year, if I'm lucky. I've been dating a guy for almost 6 months. When I was in Spain in November, he was very distant and I could tell his texts were short and he was angry at me for leaving (for 10 days). When I returned, everything was back to normal.

 

I expressed interest in going to Europe again this coming May. He immediately shut down and got really quiet. Finally, he told me he doesn't like me traveling out of the country alone with people he hasn't met. (My European friends)

 

I have to add that because he is an undocumented immigrant, he can't travel out of the country, otherwise I would have invited him along, of course. If we are going to be serious and continue this relationship, he needs to understand that travel is a big part of who I am.

 

I've never let another person dictate what I do or where I go. But on the flipside, maybe I would be a bit worried if HE were to travel without me. Do I need to put myself in his shoes and compromise?

 

Or do I just book my trip? Or do I talk to him again and explain what this means to me. I don't want to start a fight or hurt his feelings. I don't want him to think I am disregarding his feelings.

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So... it's not so much that he doesn't LIKE to travel as it is he CANNOT travel due to his illegal status.

 

Personally I don't like people telling me what I can and cannot do. And I would not stop travelling for anyone. However, you have a bit of a pickle there, as he cannot travel with you. So you also have to contend with the fact that you can't go on holidays together... Is that something you're prepared to deal with forever??

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If travelling is important to you, this needs to be sorted out now. What is he worried about? What are his fears, issues? Is it for your safety, or does he not trust you. If so, why? And are there ways you can make him more comfortable while you are away? Like giving him access to your email or something...not that I recommend that really.

 

Is there any way he can become a legal citizen?

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I've never let another person dictate what I do or where I go. But on the flipside, maybe I would be a bit worried if HE were to travel without me. Do I need to put myself in his shoes and compromise?

 

First "He** no!

 

No truly good relationship can ever survive if their partner limits their will, desires and freedoms allow them to be “whole”

 

He immediately shut down and got really quiet

 

Don’t ever let a man dictate your path in life. Find someone that enhances your life not diminishes it.

 

Shutting down is something a child does in the hopes his tantrum manipulates your mindset. Don’t engage. NEVER reward this behavior. Life is too short.

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I suggest you book your trips and travel as usual. It's not your fault that he's undocumented and can't travel - you are already taking risks and have limited options with him for your future (unless you legally move to his country of origin; and from where he can travel legally).

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I am sure he is not controlling only concerning your traveling. This is the tip of an iceberg you do not want to deal with.

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I have to add that because he is an undocumented immigrant, he can't travel out of the country,

 

Why is he undocumented ie illegal, and why have you got yourself mixed up with him?

 

If travelling is a big part of your life, then you will never be happy with a man who wants to limit your activities and who sulks and gets angry when he doesn't get his own way.

 

I am with Gaeta, he is displaying signs of being controlling.

Before you know it you will be cancelling trips in order to please him and stay in his good books.

Finally you will not arrange any trips away or you will need his "permission" to go anywhere. You will continually want to keep the peace, you will not want to rock the boat. He will emotionally blackmail you into staying at home.

You will justify this to yourself by saying he loves you so much he doesn't want you to be unsafe. YOU will tell yourself that you do not really want to go on any trips away anyway.

YOU will just stay at home where he can keep an eye on you...

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He is a control freak and an illegal immigrant. Why are you with him?

 

What do you get out of this?

 

What sort of future are you going to have? You cant marry he'll have to provide papers.

 

One day he will get caught and deported and that's your relationship over.

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Why not just chalk it up to being incompatible and be done? It's one of the major differences around which there is no working around.

 

His views and your views are different on this and non of you are ready to compromise on it. No big deal.

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GunslingerRoland

For me travel is very important as well. I don't think I'd want to be with someone long term who was unable to travel. (although that is a huge distinction as compared to not wanting to travel.)

 

As for the controlling aspect I can see it a bit from his perspective. I wouldn't be all over my SO going on extended vacations with people I didn't know... are they of mixed sex?

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We had a long conversation about this. He brought it up and apologized to me, saying he didn't know how much the travel aspect meant to him.

 

To clarify, he is in the process of becoming a citizen but it is a LONG process. It is not simply that he cannot travel, he also does not enjoy it, and prefers to stay home. He has told me he trusts me and wants to me to experience things I enjoy doing, even if he doesn't. He said he would go on trips with me when he is able, even if its not his favorite thing to do.

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I think you are downplaying the issue, because you got some negative comments about his immigration status.

 

To me, enjoying travel is a really, really important aspect to how someone lives their life. It would be one thing if you were indifferent to it. Then you probably could deal with a partner who actively dislikes it.

 

But, you are describing two European trips in half a year. That means you definitely have the "travel bug". Which I totally get! Travel is amazing!

 

All I'm saying is that, even if you tamp down your activities until he gets his papers, the fact that he will be gritting his teeth while travelling will not make for a happy companion for you.

 

In addition, his passive-aggressive behaviour over Christmas is not a good sign, though it is somewhat positive that you have started to talk about it. Just...don't kid yourself about what you are willing to change.

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OP, I live in the US.

Maybe you're more immigrant paperwork savvy than me, but how does an undocumented illegal immigrant become legal? Does that simply mean he came here on a Visa and that Visa expired, which I can understand, though I'd still be scared sh*tless if I was in that situation? If you plan on being with him long-term, please please become an expert in immigration law if you're not already one.

 

As for your question, I love traveling, and a lifestyle of 0 (abroad) travel is not sustainable for me. Heck, even (if) when I have kids, I plan to haul them with me as long as they're old enough to walk - hell yeah, spend all that energy walking the whole day so you can sleep well at night, kid :cool: I think the most important question is, how long does it generally take someone in his status to be able to travel with you abroad? I've been there so I know how variable (and frustrating) immigration timeline can be, but you should have a general idea. Is it 1-2 years? 3-5? 8-10? And ask yourself how long is it sustainable for you to skip your traveling abroad?

 

It's a tough situation to be in. If I was with someone who couldn't travel abroad with me, even if he's willing to let me go by myself, I'd feel bad leaving him at home, of course. If it comes to the worst, you may just have to tell him it's extremely important for you to travel (I have serious longings for certain places), and if he can't compromise, then you'll be very unhappy in a relationship with him. See how he responds to that. A decent, loving man, while not happy about your traveling alone, will come to the acceptance of letting you go so you can come back a happy woman, or keep you at home and have a bitter woman by his side.

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I think you are downplaying the issue, because you got some negative comments about his immigration status.

 

To me, enjoying travel is a really, really important aspect to how someone lives their life. It would be one thing if you were indifferent to it. Then you probably could deal with a partner who actively dislikes it.

 

But, you are describing two European trips in half a year. That means you definitely have the "travel bug". Which I totally get! Travel is amazing!

 

All I'm saying is that, even if you tamp down your activities until he gets his papers, the fact that he will be gritting his teeth while travelling will not make for a happy companion for you.

 

In addition, his passive-aggressive behaviour over Christmas is not a good sign, though it is somewhat positive that you have started to talk about it. Just...don't kid yourself about what you are willing to change.

 

 

 

I am not downplaying it all- it is definitely a hurdle that we need to cross and he's made the first step by bringing it up that he was wrong to act that way. I don't think this issue is over, but its a step in the right direction. And I'm not perfect either- yes the behavior isn't ideal, but I've acted jealous and petty at times. Everyone has their issues and if a relationship is meant to work out, people compromise and learn to fix or deal with their own insecurities.

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I am not downplaying it all- it is definitely a hurdle that we need to cross and he's made the first step by bringing it up that he was wrong to act that way. I don't think this issue is over, but its a step in the right direction. And I'm not perfect either- yes the behavior isn't ideal, but I've acted jealous and petty at times. Everyone has their issues and if a relationship is meant to work out, people compromise and learn to fix or deal with their own insecurities.

 

Can you answer the questions in my previous post?

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OP, I totally relate to this. I've lived your situation. I have to travel for my career/job and my SO hated to travel and hated it when I went out of the country or out of town. It got to the point where I would dread bringing up the topic because it would literally turn into WWIII.

 

 

So to avoid the conflict I started cutting way back and I felt like I lost a part of myself in the process and I passed up some really amazing opportunities. I regret it to this day.

 

 

So I strongly recommend not to give up an important part of yourself.

 

 

And perhaps find out why he minds it so much that you travel. Do you stay with guy friends or female friends? That is something to be sensitive of, regarding how he feels. But you shouldn't have to give up such an important part of your life for someone.

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If travelling is important to you, this needs to be sorted out now. What is he worried about? What are his fears, issues? Is it for your safety, or does he not trust you. If so, why? And are there ways you can make him more comfortable while you are away? Like giving him access to your email or something...not that I recommend that really.

 

Is there any way he can become a legal citizen?

 

 

he is in the process of becoming legal, working with lawyers and all of that. he's been here for awhile and he has a job and had a work visa but it expired so he is in the process of renewing it. first he will get his green card, and then it takes even longer to become an actual citizen.

 

he hasn't really told me what he is worried about, he trusts me so it isn't about other guys. he said he just thinks i wouldn't be safe going alone. but i'm an adult and i've lived (alone) in another country so I can handle myself. I appreciate his concern, though. I was thinking maybe if I found a way to just keep him updated or letting him know my itinerary or numbers of where I am staying, I've basically just been brainstorming ideas of what can put his mind at ease. He is from a dangerous country- so I can't blame him for being protective.

 

Either way, I won't just derail my travel plans. I'm just trying to make him more comfortable, and get him used to the idea that I do like traveling once a year.

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I would find out what exactly he doesn't like about you travelling alone then. That is the only way you will be able to counter act him with ideas to make him more comfortable. Talk to him, see if he will open up.

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OK, so he becomes legal and then simply isn't interested in travel. How will this make you feel long term?

 

I have to say that I have a child who has special needs and because of this, our travel is extremely limited. I know it's not his fault, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't really disappointed at not being able to live my dreams to their fullest.

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It is not simply that he cannot travel, he also does not enjoy it, and prefers to stay home.

 

YOU love travel and he dos not enjoy it and prefers to stay at home.

 

This is an incompatiblity issue and you are now thinking of reducing your trips to accommodate him.

 

From twice in 6 months - November and May to potentially "once a year".

Oh dear, its already happening...

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Ay, dios mio! An illegal immigrant who doesn't like to cross borders! What will they think of next?

 

It sounds like you are on the horns of a dilemma. Maybe this is the way to resolve it:

 

If you give up traveling, can you imagine that one day, you'll resent your BF?

 

If you give up your BF, can you imagine that one day, you'll resent traveling?

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I guess this is harsh, but I rarely think it's a good choice to stay with someone who asks you to give up something you love, whether it's your friends, your dog, or your love of travel. You're on your own path. Stay on it and that way you won't have many regrets. Also if you are following your passions, you are more likely to meet someone who shares them and is better for you.

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Hi, going to different places is nice, but I would like to encourage you that it's better if you will talk to your boyfriend about this. It's important that he should know about how you feel. In every relationship, communication is needed.

 

I think one of the reasons that he does not want to travel is because of his immigration status. I hope everything will be alright and you will come up to the best solution that works for both of you as you talk to each other. Thank you for sharing.

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Hi, going to different places is nice, but I would like to encourage you that it's better if you will talk to your boyfriend about this. It's important that he should know about how you feel. In every relationship, communication is needed.

 

I think one of the reasons that he does not want to travel is because of his immigration status. I hope everything will be alright and you will come up to the best solution that works for both of you as you talk to each other. Thank you for sharing.

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