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How to interpret this...


Krono

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So I've been dating a girl for 5 months now. See each other once a week due to busy schedules. When we are together we click things go well. Conversation even flows to future plans. Always nice. Anyways I asked her last night "where she stood with me." As she barely talks about her feelings so I thought I'd ask. She gave me a response that she liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. Then it got weird at the end because I think she interpreted the question wrong or something triggered in her head. Anyways I didn't hear from her the rest of the night and I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. Should I be concerned?

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Seeing someone once a week isn't enough to build a strong bond. You don't see each other enough to start talking feelings. I understand you both have busy schedule but I am sure there is a way to arrange more dating even if it's only spending the night with each other.

 

What kind of weird are you talking about?

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By weird I meant her voice changed to disappointment. So I assume this talk threw her off. Which is probably why I haven't heard from her.

 

I need to learn to chill out and just enjoy the time.

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instead of asking her where she stood with you about you just tell her where YOU stand with her and then listen to what she has to say?

 

Also, about seeing each other more often? You can't date 1 day a week forever, at some point you'll have to make arrangement to see each other more often.

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Seeing someone once a week isn't enough to build a strong bond. You don't see each other enough to start talking feelings. I understand you both have busy schedule but I am sure there is a way to arrange more dating even if it's only spending the night with each other.

 

What kind of weird are you talking about?

 

I agree with this. It is very difficult. I ended things with a guy because we were seeing each other once a week. In the 3 months we dated, we spent one weekend together. My feelings stalled and weren't going anywhere. You need to spend time together for things to develop. And that takes work from both people to carve out the time. Sometimes I wonder if I finished things too early...

 

I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong asking the question. But if she felt a bit off by it, she has a whole week to stew until she can bring it up with you in person. Not good.

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So I've been dating a girl for 5 months now. See each other once a week due to busy schedules. When we are together we click things go well. Conversation even flows to future plans. Always nice. Anyways I asked her last night "where she stood with me." As she barely talks about her feelings so I thought I'd ask. She gave me a response that she liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. Then it got weird at the end because I think she interpreted the question wrong or something triggered in her head. Anyways I didn't hear from her the rest of the night and I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. Should I be concerned?

 

There's nothing wrong with trying to get some clarity on where you stand with someone, especially if you're beginning to really like them.

 

But with that being said I don't think you should've asked her that so soon especially, since y'all don't see each other that much. She may really like you but wants to take things slow with you.

 

Which is probably why "she barely talks about her feelings" with you. My advice man would be to not put her on the spot like that again and just continue to grow with her, you don't want her to begin feeling like she's being pressured into something that she's not ready for trust me.

 

If she really likes you she isn't going anywhere, and with time she'll open up;)

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Update. Saw her last night. We talked and she said she wants to have no pressure added to what we have. I was respectful and said sure. We are sitting together last night she picks up her phone and I see she had tinder messages on her phone. Well 2 small flame icons at the top. I'm puzzled even more. Obviously she is using it. But how is one suppose to focus on getting to know someone if there are multiple suitors. It bugs me. I got rid of mine when we talked and I said I wanted to focus on us and see what transpires. I'm so confused.

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Update. Saw her last night. We talked and she said she wants to have no pressure added to what we have. I was respectful and said sure. We are sitting together last night she picks up her phone and I see she had tinder messages on her phone. Well 2 small flame icons at the top. I'm puzzled even more. Obviously she is using it. But how is one suppose to focus on getting to know someone if there are multiple suitors. It bugs me. I got rid of mine when we talked and I said I wanted to focus on us and see what transpires. I'm so confused.

 

Sure you said that to her BUT what did she reply to you?

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keep it chill + no pressure = keeping her options open.

 

IMO you have your answer......you are wasting your time.

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Wow 5 months and she's on Tinder?

 

 

Yeah, if you want to keep dating her casually, go ahead. However, from the sounds of it, she does not seem like a keeper.

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SunnySide0418
By weird I meant her voice changed to disappointment. So I assume this talk threw her off. Which is probably why I haven't heard from her.

 

I need to learn to chill out and just enjoy the time.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong by asking. You've been seeing each other for 5 months! I'm all for open communication.

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But how is one suppose to focus on getting to know someone if there are multiple suitors. It bugs me. I got rid of mine when we talked and I said I wanted to focus on us and see what transpires. I'm so confused.
Indeed you are! One does not focus on someONE if one has multiple suitors. One spreads his attention around like peanut butter, adding new suitors and dropping unsuitable ones until a good match is found.

 

Granted, this method can take longer to find an exclusive girlfriend. But the upside is that you will find that you don't "change to impress" nearly as much - you'll be yourself around all of them, which will give you confidence. Some girls will drop you, and you'll drop other ones. Over time, as you rotate through undesirable dating partners, and keep only the best, the quality of the people you date will rise dramatically. Pretty soon, you'll have multiple, really nice women who want to be exclusive with you and you'll have to fend off their advances, because that's the way this game is set up. You'll even tell perfectly great girls that you can't see them any more, because your roster will be full even better ones than her. The trick is not to choose one too early. Don't settle for pretty good. You bide your time, waiting for the perfect one to show up. She will. You just have to work the system.

 

If the goal is to find a great partner who likes you and whom you like, your method is both inefficient (wastes time) and self-defeating. By introducing an artificial environment of scarcity (one at a time), you train yourself to value a relationship more than the person you're in it with. You're not inclined to ditch somebody and start all over again, because to you, it takes forever to find that special something with somebody. So you put up with more stuff that bugs you than you would otherwise until either you can't stand it anymore, or you get dumped.

 

Imagine for a moment that you got this reaction from ONE OF THE THREE girls you are now seeing. What would you do? You'd go find a new one to replace her, while still seeing the other two. Her reluctance wouldn't bother you a bit, because two other girls and the freedom to look for more is totally comforting. :bunny:

 

This girl is doing you a huge favor by showing you the way. Don't judge her for it. Thank your lucky stars you ran into her. Maybe she could help you with how to balance it all if you ask her nicely and tell her that you want to try it.

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Sure you said that to her BUT what did she reply to you?

 

She replied saying she wasn't seeing anyone else. That she was in to me.

 

In response to last post we are sexually active. I'm 33 she is 28.

 

Very valid opinions given. I'm beginning to feel like an idiot..or more like a pawn. I will have to put a stop to it.

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5 months and shes on Tinder? So are you exclusive or not?

 

In response to this. I had exclusive chat with her around Christmas. Where she said I'm the only one she is seeing.

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strawberryshortstack
In response to this. I had exclusive chat with her around Christmas. Where she said I'm the only one she is seeing.

 

What were her exact words? You being the only person she is (currently) seeing is not the same as being exclusive. Exclusivity is a conscious, intentional decision to NOT date other people. Her currently not seeing anyone else could be because she consciously and intentionally decided to stop seeing others, or it could just be that she isn't seeing anyone else because there simply isn't someone else she's currently interested in (but she may still be looking). It's an important distinction. And she may be using the subtle difference and careful choice of words to her advantage.

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She's keeping her options open, she either enjoys dating around or don't see you as a long term option. Just enjoy it for what it's worth and date other people. Also stop investing if you have been so far.

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