Jump to content

Should I Prepare to Leave - He Hasn't Proposed


ClaraCAKES

Recommended Posts

I have been dating a guy for almost 4 years, living together with pets for 3.5 years. I am 29 he is 37.

 

Now I cant stop fixating on the idea of him proposing and getting engaged, he completely goes crazy and shuts the conversation down whenever I bring it up.

 

We had a sensible conversation eventually in which he said "when the time is right, I do want to marry you, I have been thinking about it". What does that even mean.

 

I recently had an ex reach out to me (who is now engaged) he told me he thought I was "the one that got away" and he would break it all off for me. Obviously I told him to GET LOST but it was nice to truly feel wanted for a second...

 

I know that i Love my partner & want to be with them. Never have I ever felt with anyone else that marriage and kids would be good, but I do here. However I also know that its not right that if I want marriage and they cant even give me a straight answer I need to stop wasting my time.

 

What are your thoughts, should I plan to leave? When? Should I try to establish if there is to be a future. Why would a man not want to get married? Im interested in your thoughts.

 

Notes: This guy has been engaged before so he is capable of doing so, I dont go on about big weddings - i dont want one, money is no object both of us have businesses and are well off, his family are all married with kids,

Link to post
Share on other sites

When these threads come up there are some people that will tell you not to want marriage, but I have to say that if you want it, don't waste any more time . Yes it's hard to be single but is your chance to find someone who wants to be married and have children. It sounds like this man is stringing you along.

 

Make arrangements , move out and if he really does love you, he knows what he has to do. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

 

But do not get with that ex I don't think he's good news either. Maybe flattering but not likely to end well.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

If a man wants to marry you he will do it. Right now he is getting a wife without the necessary paperwork so why change it. If he hasn't asked to marry you and gets upset when you bring it up it's time to go. As you can see he didn't have any problem asking the other girl to marry him. He would beg you to marry him if he wanted you that way.

  • Like 16
Link to post
Share on other sites

TBH, guys who want to marry you , don't waste time. If he hasn't done in 4 years and rather gets annoyed, then he is wasting your time.

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why is marriage important to you? I ask because, if you have a great guy otherwise, is it worth losing over getting married?

 

I guess it depends whether you can live without getting married. If not then move on, but be warned, the dating game has changed drastically in the last 4 years.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Why is marriage important to you? I ask because, if you have a great guy otherwise, is it worth losing over getting married?

 

I guess it depends whether you can live without getting married. If not then move on, but be warned, the dating game has changed drastically in the last 4 years.

 

changed from what to what?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been dating a guy for almost 4 years, living together with pets for 3.5 years. I am 29 he is 37.

 

Now I cant stop fixating on the idea of him proposing and getting engaged, he completely goes crazy and shuts the conversation down whenever I bring it up.

 

We had a sensible conversation eventually in which he said "when the time is right, I do want to marry you, I have been thinking about it". What does that even mean.

 

I recently had an ex reach out to me (who is now engaged) he told me he thought I was "the one that got away" and he would break it all off for me. Obviously I told him to GET LOST but it was nice to truly feel wanted for a second...

 

I know that i Love my partner & want to be with them. Never have I ever felt with anyone else that marriage and kids would be good, but I do here. However I also know that its not right that if I want marriage and they cant even give me a straight answer I need to stop wasting my time.

 

What are your thoughts, should I plan to leave? When? Should I try to establish if there is to be a future. Why would a man not want to get married? Im interested in your thoughts.

 

Notes: This guy has been engaged before so he is capable of doing so, I dont go on about big weddings - i dont want one, money is no object both of us have businesses and are well off, his family are all married with kids,

 

i would ask him if a prenup would change his mind.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
changed from what to what?

 

With the inclusion of Snap Chat, Instagram, Tinder, etc. It's a different world out there if you have been attached for 4 years and are just getting into it now.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

ClaraCAKES,

 

I got married when I was 19, and we have been together for over 40 years. What many do not realize is that time pass fast. You are 29, you need to get on with your life, get married, have kids at a age where you have the energy of all this. Life passes you by really fast, and we never have all the time we think we have when we are young.

 

 

I despise men and women, that keep the other on the "hook" promising, but never fallowing through. There are good men who want to marry. You need to leave this one behind and find that one for you. He cannot commit, for what ever reason. I fear you will stay, and at some time, when you are in your mid to late 30's he will find a need to dump you. You have been together for 4 years. More then enough time for him to make up his mind.

 

If I was you, I would inform him he has failed that test and move on. Think about it, he cannot commit, say you do get married, is he really committed? Will he stay faithful? Can you really trust him? I knew, I wanted to marry my wife, 6 months in and I was a "immature" 16 year old. If he really loved you, he would commit and you would become a couple. You deserve, this. You deserve a man to commit to you and you alone. When I committed to her, it was for life, and with all my love, energy and heart. 6 kids later, and 14 grand kids, we have one large family, despite all the hardships when we started. I will also add, all the love and good time when we were young and just so in love. We have the good chance of living to see our great grand kids, and maybe our Great Great Grand kids. How cool is that?

 

The next step, in my opinion, is to tell him that you have decided, as he has decided, and don't think he has not, to move on. His actions have shouted, what he wants, and unless he works to prove he can commit, beak off being lovers, and move to find someone else. I think you will find that it is not as hard as you may fear, and in the end you will wonder why you took so long. Remember, going forward, treat every date as a "job" interview. Is this guy marriage material? Do not date any who are not. Let them know up fount when it gets serious, that you are looking for a life long mate. Do waist time. Time is not your friend, and as you get older become a real bitch.

 

I wish you luck....

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been dating a guy for almost 4 years, living together with pets for 3.5 years. I am 29 he is 37.

 

If some kind of commitment is important to you (a good thing in my book), why move in together after only 6 months? Tells him otherwise.

 

Why would a man not want to get married? Im interested in your thoughts.

 

In his mind, what would marriage provide him he's not getting now :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
I need to stop wasting my time.

 

^^^^ this^^^^

 

Whatever his reasons are for not wanting to commit, it is not your problem. Don't hang around waiting whilst he lines up a 25 yo or you find he is cheating on you.

There will be a BIG reason why he does not want to marry you after 4 years, he just doesn't want you to find that out yet.

He is not just kicking that can down the road, he actively shut you down when ever you brought it up, I guess he doesn't want to marry you.

He will be perfectly happy with the status quo until suddenly he isn't and then he will dump you to marry the first girl he finds after you. YOU are just Miss Right Now...

 

Make sure your BC is perfect.

Don't get caught out, the last thing you need just now is an unenthusiastic bf, who feels he has to stick around solely for his child.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a friend who dated a man for years. She wanted marriage, but he kept putting it off. She finally made the decision to move on...

 

She is now married to a very nice man and they have two children...

He is living with another woman, never married and no children.

 

A man who wants to be married, will propose. The fact that he shuts you down from even discussing the idea, speaks volumes.

 

You have a difficult decision to make. Don't waste too much time.

  • Like 13
Link to post
Share on other sites

He doesn't want to marry you or he isn't sure you're the one for him, that's why the time isn't right for him. I don't know what else he will learn about you in the next few years that he doesn't already know.

 

You moved in with him after 6 months, what was the rush?

 

If you want marriage and children, with him, my advice would be:

 

*not to mention marriage to him at all for about, 3/6 months.

*Be your normal self in this time

*If you don't already, try and do

things for yourself. Like go to the gym/ meet up with your friends

 

If after this time, he hasn't proposed, then I'd suggest you split up. No need for ultimatums or arguments. A simple "we're not on the same page in terms of where the relationship is going"

 

The idea of that, is you aren't harping on about it (so he can't use that as an excuse), but you are not moping and looking miserable either.. . You're just getting on with life.

 

BTW... Don't get pregnant in the meanwhile or you can totally forget marriage.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you want kids - move on now.

 

You are 29. With entering the dating world - dating and finding a guy (weeding through douche bags for 1-3 years), getting engaged, planning a wedding, marriage, move in to a place, start trying to have kids - my guess is you are looking at 32 earliest to have your first child. Maybe 33-34. If you want a second child - your looking 34-36.

 

My view is 29 is the peak to find a partner for marriage. You wait till your 32 to leave this guy and date - you may find the pool of available guys shrinking. I just think many people get married around late 20's to 32 if they want family.

 

Also your BF is 37. While men can have kids when older (I did) - if he wanted kids he should have been starting already. Again if YOU want kids - be with someone who wants kids as well.

 

Its okay - just touch is face and say "you are an amazing man, I love you, but I want a different life now than you do and I am not waiting any longer to start it". If he recants and says "I am going to propose!" be firm. Maybe if he begs for a few months after you leave. :)

 

However if you dont want kids - home - etc... and you enjoy your BF and life - maybe its ok to just stay as is.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't put a lot of value on marriage, but if you do, then you should pursue that goal. I suggest you prepare to leave, and do so. It may be necessary to risk the relationship to make him decide what's really important to him. If you are, then marriage may suddenly become a good option for him. If that happens, do watch to be sure he's really sincere, and not just agreeing to avoid you leaving.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been dating a guy for almost 4 years, living together with pets for 3.5 years. I am 29 he is 37.

 

Now I cant stop fixating on the idea of him proposing and getting engaged, he completely goes crazy and shuts the conversation down whenever I bring it up.

 

We had a sensible conversation eventually in which he said "when the time is right, I do want to marry you, I have been thinking about it". What does that even mean.

 

I recently had an ex reach out to me (who is now engaged) he told me he thought I was "the one that got away" and he would break it all off for me. Obviously I told him to GET LOST but it was nice to truly feel wanted for a second...

 

I know that i Love my partner & want to be with them. Never have I ever felt with anyone else that marriage and kids would be good, but I do here. However I also know that its not right that if I want marriage and they cant even give me a straight answer I need to stop wasting my time.

 

What are your thoughts, should I plan to leave? When? Should I try to establish if there is to be a future. Why would a man not want to get married? Im interested in your thoughts.

 

Notes: This guy has been engaged before so he is capable of doing so, I dont go on about big weddings - i dont want one, money is no object both of us have businesses and are well off, his family are all married with kids,

 

The biggest problem I see is that you don't really seem to want the same things at this point in time and that he doesn't even want to talk about it.

I agree with the other posts that say if a man wants to marry you he will not only talk about it, he'll do it. He's 37....plenty old enough to know what he is looking for and 4 years together is enough time. You need to decide whether you want to settle for living together or move on with your life.....not easy to do I know.

There are men that want marriage but it appears that the one you have does not.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
He doesn't want to marry you or he isn't sure you're the one for him, that's why the time isn't right for him. I don't know what else he will learn about you in the next few years that he doesn't already know.

 

You moved in with him after 6 months, what was the rush?

 

If you want marriage and children, with him, my advice would be:

 

*not to mention marriage to him at all for about, 3/6 months.

*Be your normal self in this time

*If you don't already, try and do

things for yourself. Like go to the gym/ meet up with your friends

 

If after this time, he hasn't proposed, then I'd suggest you split up. No need for ultimatums or arguments. A simple "we're not on the same page in terms of where the relationship is going"

 

The idea of that, is you aren't harping on about it (so he can't use that as an excuse), but you are not moping and looking miserable either.. . You're just getting on with life.

 

BTW... Don't get pregnant in the meanwhile or you can totally forget marriage.

 

I like the idea of preparing to leave and giving a deadline. But I find it so hard not to bring up. I did It tonight again forced him to talk and i ended up in hysterics and I'm pretty sure he cried a bit too. The bit I can't understand is why do it before with someone and not with me, when I asked him this he said I was an angel compared so I don't know.

 

I know it's unlikely to happen & it does break my heart because it's hard to imagine life without him but I'd rather be alone than with someone who couldn't care less.

 

Also I'm 27 not 29 that was a typo & I can't edit the original post !!

Link to post
Share on other sites

If he really wanted to marry you, he would have proposed by now.

Talk is cheap. He's trying to keep you with him with sweet words but they are meaningless if the relationship is not progressing.

 

I know how hard it is to walk away but it must be done if you would like to marry and have children at some point.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
I like the idea of preparing to leave and giving a deadline. But I find it so hard not to bring up. I did It tonight again forced him to talk and i ended up in hysterics and I'm pretty sure he cried a bit too. The bit I can't understand is why do it before with someone and not with me, when I asked him this he said I was an angel compared so I don't know.

 

I know it's unlikely to happen & it does break my heart because it's hard to imagine life without him but I'd rather be alone than with someone who couldn't care less.

 

Also I'm 27 not 29 that was a typo & I can't edit the original post !!

 

The deadline or timeline is really for you. You have it in your mind, otherwise it comes across like an ultimatum. Would you really be happy with a proposal if it only came after an ultimatum? He'll only throw it back in your face.

 

A friend of mine sort of did this years back. She told her boyfriend that if he wasn't interested in marriage, she was ending it. He said he was interested, but not yet. She said fine, no problem, we have different timelines, so let's end it and be friends.

 

He then proposed, because he didn't want to loose her, but now he tells their kids he was forced to marry her. In his words "your mum said marriage or it's over".

 

Bottom line, he knew she was a good catch and she'd easily get another man. Infact, she could have done way better than him even now. 4 kids later and she gets hit on quite a bit.

 

And what's the point of getting engaged if it doesn't lead to marriage? Some men propose with no intention of marrying just to shut you up. None of the nonsense I see of 5 year engagements.

 

Do you know why he broke off his previous engagement? Or did she break it off?

 

I can tell you that the more you go on about it, the less he'll want it. You shouldn't have to badger someone to marry you and why would you want to?

 

My now husband wanted us to live together before getting married, which I wasn't keen on, but I wasn't doing it as a girlfriend without a proposal.

 

When I felt he was dragging his feet about marriage, I told him we should take a break and decide if this is what we want. As in whether we should be together. I was ready to walk away and find someone else.

 

He didn't want a break and said he was serious and did want to get married.

 

Follow my initial suggestions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The deadline or timeline is really for you. You have it in your mind, otherwise it comes across like an ultimatum. Would you really be happy with a proposal if it only came after an ultimatum? He'll only throw it back in your face.

 

A friend of mine sort of did this years back. She told her boyfriend that if he wasn't interested in marriage, she was ending it. He said he was interested, but not yet. She said fine, no problem, we have different timelines, so let's end it and be friends.

 

He then proposed, because he didn't want to loose her, but now he tells their kids he was forced to marry her. In his words "your mum said marriage or it's over".

 

Bottom line, he knew she was a good catch and she'd easily get another man. Infact, she could have done way better than him even now. 4 kids later and she gets hit on quite a bit.

 

And what's the point of getting engaged if it doesn't lead to marriage? Some men propose with no intention of marrying just to shut you up. None of the nonsense I see of 5 year engagements.

 

Do you know why he broke off his previous engagement? Or did she break it off?

 

I can tell you that the more you go on about it, the less he'll want it. You shouldn't have to badger someone to marry you and why would you want to?

 

My now husband wanted us to live together before getting married, which I wasn't keen on, but I wasn't doing it as a girlfriend without a proposal.

 

When I felt he was dragging his feet about marriage, I told him we should take a break and decide if this is what we want. As in whether we should be together. I was ready to walk away and find someone else.

 

He didn't want a break and said he was serious and did want to get married.

 

Follow my initial suggestions.

 

I'm not sure of the specific reason his last engagement ended but I'm pretty sure it was due to erratic behaviour on the females part (turning up at his work in pyjamas) trashing the house, hitting, general crazy person behaviour. She was etc etc

 

I don't even want to get married right this second, but I want him to want me, which is more what it's about I guess. I do want to give a timeline and leave, but I'm scared I never meet anyone I like in this way again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lonelywife2323

From what it sounds like, you want the ring on your finger for him to prove to you that he 'wants' you, but once you get that, is that going to be enough? He lives with you, he tells you that he's thinking about marrying you and that he wants to, but the timeline is off fir you. You pushing is not going to help. All you are doing is giving him an ultimatum. Men do not want that. I think the root of the problem is that you don't sound very fulfilled in a relationship? Need some sort of status. That's what it is coming across as. I don't think this man is the one for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why is marriage important to you? I ask because, if you have a great guy otherwise, is it worth losing over getting married?

 

I guess it depends whether you can live without getting married. If not then move on, but be warned, the dating game has changed drastically in the last 4 years.

 

 

Because her love comes with conditions and this is a sign you don't love him unconditionally.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's been 4 years. If he wanted to actually marry you, you'd be married by now. He can think about it all he wants, but unless he's acting on his thoughts it doesn't make one bit of difference.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...