My boyfriend suddenly changed...

[amantdepatisserie]

Hello All,

 

I began dating my ex-boyfriend about a year ago. We met and went on about four dates for about month before we decided to be in an exclusive relationship with each other. Everything seemed great: we clicked, had a lot of fun with each other, spent lots of time together, and constantly did activities together, rather then just becoming passive. When we met, I made my religious views very clear, and although his were different, he accepted them.

 

We did not fight frequently, however when we did, I began to feel like the arguments were constantly circular and would never come to a resolution no matter how many times I tried. I would admit what I did wrong and apologize, but I always felt like my boyfriend never took responsibility for what he did, and would blame the entire fight on me (although it takes two people to have an argument), and spend hours bringing up what did wrong. Eventually, the argument would end (sometimes a day later), but I always felt like somehow I had taken responsibility for everything.

 

After being together for about 10 months, things began to get more serious and we discussed having a future together. It was something we both wanted, he sooner than I, but he accepted that I needed more time. Right around that time, I took a job elsewhere and moved. We were making long-distance work and everything seemed to be going well. Three weeks after moving, he called me and dumped me. We had not been in a fight for over a month, and less than a week before he called me we were discussing our future together. Obviously I was crushed and devastated. His reasons? 1. If he had stayed with me he would have been "settling," 2. I practice a different religion, 3. He didn't know if he wanted the same future anymore.

 

These reasons made me angry; he had known the entire time that I practiced a different religion, and he told me he did want the same future and was completely in love with me. He told me afterwards that he still loved me and wanted to keep in contact. I did not like the idea very much because I was so in love with him that I thought keeping in contact would make it hurt more. However, I caved because it was so hard not to talk to someone who had become my closest friend.

 

In the past two months, he has still spoken to me, but has been terribly mean. He insults me on a regular basis, mocks my beliefs, brings up my mistakes of the past, and denies things he has said. Obviously, I know this is wrong and unhealthy to treat someone that way. He has never apologized for his actions and it has all caused me a great deal of hurt. In these conversations where he has been mean, I feel like I am talking to a crazy person because he consistently contradicts himself. He tells me I "will never understand," and that his "M.O. is to push people away," but shortly after will say he still loves me.

 

I have not spoken to him since the last occasion like this, and I don't plan on it for my own emotional health. But what I want to know is, how does any of this make sense? How can a man go from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me to wanting to push me away? Why does he make me feel like I did something wrong by being in a relationship with him? Why does he suddenly have a problem with who I am? Why is he being so mean when I did nothing to deserve it, and it is after dumping me? Guys, I need your help on this! I am totally lost and really hurting over this.

[kassy]

It doesn't matter. Just block him on everything. Delete his number and move on with your life. Whatever his issues are .... They aren't yours to worry about anymore. Go catch up with some friends, join some new activities if you don't have much going on. Get busy, eat well, do sport, distract yourself and soon enough you will have moved on.

[elaine567]

His reasons? 1. If he had stayed with me he would have been "settling," 2. I practice a different religion, 3. He didn't know if he wanted the same future anymore.

 

In the past two months, he has still spoken to me, but has been terribly mean. He insults me on a regular basis, mocks my beliefs, brings up my mistakes of the past, and denies things he has said. Obviously, I know this is wrong and unhealthy to treat someone that way. He has never apologized for his actions and it has all caused me a great deal of hurt. In these conversations where he has been mean, I feel like I am talking to a crazy person because he consistently contradicts himself. He tells me I "will never understand," and that his "M.O. is to push people away," but shortly after will say he still loves me.

 

His reasons sound clear and reasonable, but the mistake you have made is to keep in touch with him.

He is taking out all his frustration and annoyance with life in general out on you.

Good ole amantdepatisserie who will put up with just about anything just to keep him around.

NO doubt had he managed to get a nice gf in the meantime you would not be hearing from him.

He is impacting on your life negatively do not allow him to do that. It is not your job to "fix" him

 

Stop speaking to him and block him out of your life.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hello All,

 

I began dating my ex-boyfriend about a year ago. We met and went on about four dates for about month before we decided to be in an exclusive relationship with each other. Everything seemed great: we clicked, had a lot of fun with each other, spent lots of time together, and constantly did activities together, rather then just becoming passive. When we met, I made my religious views very clear, and although his were different, he accepted them.

 

We did not fight frequently, however when we did, I began to feel like the arguments were constantly circular and would never come to a resolution no matter how many times I tried. I would admit what I did wrong and apologize, but I always felt like my boyfriend never took responsibility for what he did, and would blame the entire fight on me (although it takes two people to have an argument), and spend hours bringing up what did wrong. Eventually, the argument would end (sometimes a day later), but I always felt like somehow I had taken responsibility for everything.

 

After being together for about 10 months, things began to get more serious and we discussed having a future together. It was something we both wanted, he sooner than I, but he accepted that I needed more time. Right around that time, I took a job elsewhere and moved. We were making long-distance work and everything seemed to be going well. Three weeks after moving, he called me and dumped me. We had not been in a fight for over a month, and less than a week before he called me we were discussing our future together. Obviously I was crushed and devastated. His reasons? 1. If he had stayed with me he would have been "settling," 2. I practice a different religion, 3. He didn't know if he wanted the same future anymore.

 

These reasons made me angry; he had known the entire time that I practiced a different religion, and he told me he did want the same future and was completely in love with me. He told me afterwards that he still loved me and wanted to keep in contact. I did not like the idea very much because I was so in love with him that I thought keeping in contact would make it hurt more. However, I caved because it was so hard not to talk to someone who had become my closest friend.

 

In the past two months, he has still spoken to me, but has been terribly mean. He insults me on a regular basis, mocks my beliefs, brings up my mistakes of the past, and denies things he has said. Obviously, I know this is wrong and unhealthy to treat someone that way. He has never apologized for his actions and it has all caused me a great deal of hurt. In these conversations where he has been mean, I feel like I am talking to a crazy person because he consistently contradicts himself. He tells me I "will never understand," and that his "M.O. is to push people away," but shortly after will say he still loves me.

 

I have not spoken to him since the last occasion like this, and I don't plan on it for my own emotional health. But what I want to know is, how does any of this make sense? How can a man go from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me to wanting to push me away? Why does he make me feel like I did something wrong by being in a relationship with him? Why does he suddenly have a problem with who I am? Why is he being so mean when I did nothing to deserve it, and it is after dumping me? Guys, I need your help on this! I am totally lost and really hurting over this.

 

1. What are your religious views? His?

2. His not taking responsibility for disputes and his cajoling you to take full responsibility for disputes is a form of manipulation.

3. This really seemed to escalate, spiral when you moved. He became much less secure with himself and the relationship and saw that the burdensome distance provided him fuel to do what he likely always had doubts about...religious difference. The distance provided him the impetus to use religion as a way to end it...I think this is mostly him and his insecurities.

4. His use of cruelty is another form of manipulation. He knows it hurts you. I believe he also knows his use of religion, now, is BS and to help legitimize his feelings, he makes you the bad person, projects anger at you and blames you. Classic scape-goating....

[enddeck]

Some people are just *******s,there is nothing more to it.You are his emotional punchbag and you need to remove yourself from this position.Block him everywhere and get on with your life.

[Whodatdog]

Youve been talking to him....why?

 

Dont say because he's your friend, because friends dont he has still spoken to me, but has been terribly mean. He insults me on a regular basis, mocks my beliefs, brings up my mistakes of the past, and denies things he has said.

 

Put your big girl pants on, tell yourself you dont NEED any one treating you that way and block him out of your life. NOW.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me you dodged a bullet.....count your blessings you weren't married and he started to act this way.

[Lorenza]

You continued talking to him even after he dumped you. That made him lose any respect he had for you. When you're rejected, the only thing you can do to keep your dignity is to disappear from their lives. You stayed and here he is thinking he can talk to in whatever way he feels like. I've been there too. They still throw in an occasional "I love you" to keep you there but otherwise there's no reason for them to act with respect.

 

YOU let this go on for too long. Cut him out and in few weeks you'll feel brand new. Trust me.

[basil67]

I'm so glad you're not speaking to him anymore. The way he is treating you is completely unacceptable.

 

As for why he found things acceptable when you started out as opposed to now, it's because in the beginning he had his rose coloured glasses on. It's really quite common to gloss over incompatibilities and think they won't matter when we're infatuated with a new person. Then the infatuation dies down and we're left with reality and we then recognise that it's not the right person for us.

 

In your case, not only did he finally realise these incompatibilities, but you moved away. If you really want a relationship to work, you must prioritise it over other parts of your life. And yes, this includes not moving away.

 

I can't really comment on why he always thought he was right without knowing what you were arguing over. However, if you find yourself in another relationship which has disagreements which cannot be solved, it's a HUGE RED FLAG of incompatibility.

 

Time to block him and move on.