Jump to content

Is he not over her or is he just being nice?


Ethereal

Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. He broke up with his ex to be with me but nothing happened between us until he ended things.

 

He told me that he had fallen out of love with her but still thinks of her as a close friend.

 

He seems completely into me and our relationship but the other day I ended up coming across some Facebook messages accidentally between him and the ex…

 

It seems like it was the first time she contacted him in weeks as he was telling her he had really missed talking to her multiple times and told her he was worried she hated him. He also told her he thinks so much of her and would always be there for her.

 

After seeing this part of me is worried he’s not over her completely, but the other part of me knows he is a people pleaser and thinks he is saying all this because of that. My boyfriend is the type of guy who feels guilty really easily and would hate to upset anyone. She is also the first girl he ever broke up with. In the past it has always been him who got broken up with. He’s extremely sensitive.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited by Ethereal
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's feeling a lot of GUILT as to what he did to her, so he is doing his best to smooth things over by saying those things. You have nothing to worry about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I see your point but it's probably best not to worry about things and just live in the present. Hopefully I'll make him happy enough so he won't look elsewhere.

 

You're probably right about the guilt. Let's hope that's the case. What if his contact with her ends up not being a one off though? What if they end up talking nearly every day? Would that mean it's more than guilt?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You have to realize that people are human and not perfect. We make mistakes, do things to upset our partners without really meaning harm. I wouldn't go stressing over it and be more understanding from his point of view.

 

Realistically if he just broke up with her and went to you of course he is not going to be completely over her. He is just acting human. Long after relationships end there still is residual feelings that linger and a lot of bitterness toward how the relationship was. So of course he probably will still keep in contact with her for a while because he probably still does have feelings for her and it may be easier that way for him to slowly let go.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. He broke up with his ex to be with me but nothing happened between us until he ended things.

 

He told me that he had fallen out of love with her but still thinks of her as a close friend.

 

He seems completely into me and our relationship but the other day I ended up coming across some Facebook messages accidentally between him and the ex…

 

It seems like it was the first time she contacted him in weeks as he was telling her he had really missed talking to her multiple times and told her he was worried she hated him. He also told her he thinks so much of her and would always be there for her.

 

After seeing this part of me is worried he’s not over her completely, but the other part of me knows he is a people pleaser and thinks he is saying all this because of that. My boyfriend is the type of guy who feels guilty really easily and would hate to upset anyone. She is also the first girl he ever broke up with. In the past it has always been him who got broken up with. He’s extremely sensitive.

 

What do you guys think?

I think he LIKED her, but there wasn't a real spark. I felt that exact same way about a girl that I liked, but them dumped for someone who I felt that special spark with. It wasn't that I wasn't over her, it was that she was a great girl, and I still LIKED her. I did miss her, but not for romantic reasons.

 

So emotionally, you're probably ok. A good test of where he's at would be to ask him if he'd like to invite her over to dinner with you and some friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think he LIKED her, but there wasn't a real spark. I felt that exact same way about a girl that I liked, but them dumped for someone who I felt that special spark with. It wasn't that I wasn't over her, it was that she was a great girl, and I still LIKED her. I did miss her, but not for romantic reasons.

 

So emotionally, you're probably ok. A good test of where he's at would be to ask him if he'd like to invite her over to dinner with you and some friends.

 

How long were you with the girl you didn't feel the spark with?

 

My boyfriend was with his ex for 3 years so I assume he would have felt the spark at some point to be with her that long?

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP it sounds like you're the rebound.

 

They might really be over, or they may not. The problem is he hasn't had time by himself to process things, and he may be a bit confused.

 

I broke up with my GF of 9 months back in September, and I felt a lot of guilt, and reached out to her some. I just started dating again in December.

 

Food for thought... I think you should keep your guard up.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP it sounds like you're the rebound.

 

They might really be over, or they may not. The problem is he hasn't had time by himself to process things, and he may be a bit confused.

 

I broke up with my GF of 9 months back in September, and I felt a lot of guilt, and reached out to her some. I just started dating again in December.

 

Food for thought... I think you should keep your guard up.

 

How are things going now with your ex? Would you still reach out to her if she showed she was getting on fine with things? I have this feeling that my boyfriend has still been talking to his ex the last couple of days.

 

I will definitely keep my guard up. Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
How are things going now with your ex? Would you still reach out to her if she showed she was getting on fine with things? I have this feeling that my boyfriend has still been talking to his ex the last couple of days.

 

I will definitely keep my guard up. Thank you.

 

I was reaching out to my ex and being nice, but then she lashed out on me, and we got into a huge pissing match.

 

Ended up just cutting her out of my life.

 

Then we ran into each other by chance, and she apologized to me, and me to her, but I still don't talk to her anymore.

 

If someone feels guilty for dumping someone, I think its normal that they want to make that person feel less bad. Even though it might not be the best thing to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I posted [] a week ago.

 

Even though things are going great between us, I have been a bit worried about a soppy message my boyfriend sent to his ex saying he had missed her.

 

Today I asked him if he has been talking to her at all. He got defensive and I told him I saw the message. He then apologised and said he was just checking to see if she was okay, that he's over her, and all conversations between them have been random chit chat. He ended up showing me their conversations to prove nothing is going on. It embarrassed me that he had to do this and makes me feel like an incredibly insecure girlfriend, but I've been hurt by other exes in the past and I don't want to be screwed over again.

 

The content of the messages was perfectly innocent, but what worries me is the fact he wants to talk to her so much in the first place. If it was her reaching out to him, I wouldn't really care, but it if him who has been initiating contact with her. And he has been doing it every day since she got in touch with him a week ago...

 

He left her 3 months ago to be with me, and if he wanted to be with her instead, he would be, right? Tell me I'm overreacting and have nothing to worry about. :D

 

I know some of you on here said he may just be feeling guilt and trying to smooth things over with her, which is completely understandable if this is truly the case, but I don't want to be naive here. I hope you guys can help ease my worries or let me know if this is a red flag.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged and link redacted ~6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Whats his reasoning for staying in touch?

 

He said he wants to stay friends with her. I don't mind this if it was once a month contact or something but every day seems a bit much... :confused:

 

It's him initiating it all that bothers me more than anything...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just tell him that you think it's sweet that he still loves his ex a little bit, and that if he needs to go see her one last time to say goodbye, then he should do it, and after that, he'd better start paying attention to whether you're ok or not.

 

The worst thing you can do is to express anger or disapproval over this. The best thing you can do is to make it seem like the most natural thing in the world that he can talk to you honestly and openly and tell you where his head is truly at. That way, you'll get the truth out of him, even if it isn't what you want to hear.

 

Your job is not to make him stay, but to find out whether he really wants you or not.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
He said he wants to stay friends with her. I don't mind this if it was once a month contact or something but every day seems a bit much... :confused:

 

It's him initiating it all that bothers me more than anything...

 

Sorry, exs should not be friends unless children are involved. JMO.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just tell him that you think it's sweet that he still loves his ex a little bit, and that if he needs to go see her one last time to say goodbye, then he should do it, and after that, he'd better start paying attention to whether you're ok or not.

 

The worst thing you can do is to express anger or disapproval over this. The best thing you can do is to make it seem like the most natural thing in the world that he can talk to you honestly and openly and tell you where his head is truly at. That way, you'll get the truth out of him, even if it isn't what you want to hear.

 

Your job is not to make him stay, but to find out whether he really wants you or not.

 

Mightycpa, this is the best post I've read for ages.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

he is keeping her as backup.....just in case. Keep that emotional bond.

 

IMO staying friends is OK, but not texting each other everyday like they have never broken up. There should be some grace period where they go NC for 6 months or so to just catch up. I don't think is is over her at all which means he needs to give some distance until he does.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl

Honestly, it would bother me a little, yes. The "I miss you part" would give me pause. That's not just checking up on someone. "How are you/are you okay?" is just checking up on someone.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Daily communication between boyfriend and his ex

 

I have been a bit worried about a soppy message my boyfriend sent to his ex saying he had missed her.

 

This is one of these things I have learned via Love Shack and responding to these threads.

 

The problem is never the “ex” or the object of the thread it is almost always the OP.

 

I always just ask (those who think this is in any way, shape or form “a good thing?”) when or where did you lose some self-respect? This is a death star sized red flag.

 

This requires a lot of self-analysis and if you are choosing people who fundamentally disrespect you, you must examine why that is.

 

he is keeping her as backup..

 

Absolutely! Being nice my @$$ this is a bunch of BS!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not in the habit of telling grown people who can and can't be in their lives. I'm only one woman's mom and I don't do that with her.

 

If he is putting in a lot of time and energy keeping up with an ex and if there are no minor children between them, that means that he's still emotionally involved with his ex and that's messy. I have to go and let him have her. I don't have the patience for messy people anymore.

 

Aside from the fact that they broke up 3 months ago--he doesn't sound like he's had enough time out of the relationship and on his own to really have worked through the demise of it and moved on. To already be in a relationship tells me that 1. you are the rebound; or 2. he's using your relationship to distract him. Also, if you're at the 3 month mark, then you're in place where weak-foundational relationships begin to fail. Both of your representatives have been sent home and the real "you"'s have come to the fore--and the real him is still pining for his girlfriend's company any way he can get it.

 

A man who has resolved his past acts like it. He doesn't keep reaching back with flimsy excuses about wanting to remain friends and seeing how they're doing. His behavior will make that plain, whether it's a clean break or him still being in the mess.

 

I'd be saying "go be with her then... why am I even here? To be a place-marker until you figure out you want to get back with her?"

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
, but I've been hurt by other exes in the past and I don't want to be screwed over again..

 

When you've been hurt by men keeping in touch with their ex you don't go around dating the same type of men. You change, you find yourself a nice guy that has no ex on a string.

 

Common sense.

 

How to not repeat same mistake 101

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
When you've been hurt by men keeping in touch with their ex you don't go around dating the same type of men. You change, you find yourself a nice guy that has no ex on a string.

 

Common sense.

 

How to not repeat same mistake 101

 

Precisely.

 

OP, this is you still dealing with the same character in a different body. Eventually, you will understand this lesson and will no longer attract guys who aren't over their exes because they glommed onto you to keep from being alone, not because they were emotionally and psychologically ready to enter into a new relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks so much guys. Your advice has really given me something to think about. I'm going to be really cautious with this and keep my guard up.

 

I worry because this has happened to me before with my ex, as I mentioned above. I'm massively insecure about the possibility of the same situation repeating itself and being a rebound for someone again.

 

However, with my ex, it was completely obvious... He got really flaky and started not being as attentive with me the minute his ex was back on the scene. Within days it was over between us. Also she had dumped HIM, so he was always still in love with her.

 

However, this situation is different. My boyfriend chose to be with me instead of his ex when she still wanted to be with him. He dumped her. He's been nothing but honest with me, even showing me their messages. He still wants to be in a relationship with me and he's shown no signs of becoming less interested in me.

 

What do you think?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks so much guys. Your advice has really given me something to think about. I'm going to be really cautious with this and keep my guard up.

 

I worry because this has happened to me before with my ex, as I mentioned above. I'm massively insecure about the possibility of the same situation repeating itself and being a rebound for someone again.

 

However, with my ex, it was completely obvious... He got really flaky and started not being as attentive with me the minute his ex was back on the scene. Within days it was over between us. Also she had dumped HIM, so he was always still in love with her.

 

However, this situation is different. My boyfriend chose to be with me instead of his ex when she still wanted to be with him. He dumped her. He's been nothing but honest with me, even showing me their messages. He still wants to be in a relationship with me and he's shown no signs of becoming less interested in me.

 

What do you think?

 

So, he was cheating on her with you and she wants him back???? There's something wrong with dat picture.

 

Just sit back and observe.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks so much guys. Your advice has really given me something to think about. I'm going to be really cautious with this and keep my guard up.

 

I worry because this has happened to me before with my ex, as I mentioned above. I'm massively insecure about the possibility of the same situation repeating itself and being a rebound for someone again.

 

However, with my ex, it was completely obvious... He got really flaky and started not being as attentive with me the minute his ex was back on the scene. Within days it was over between us. Also she had dumped HIM, so he was always still in love with her.

 

However, this situation is different. My boyfriend chose to be with me instead of his ex when she still wanted to be with him. He dumped her. He's been nothing but honest with me, even showing me their messages. He still wants to be in a relationship with me and he's shown no signs of becoming less interested in me.

 

What do you think?

 

Could you expand on that?

 

If in fact he was cheating on his ex with you, his actions regarding his ex may be a nuclear bomb of a Red Flag...

 

It may also be he is shedding guilt by remaining friends with her...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...