Jump to content

Casual dating expectations


varicose

Recommended Posts

I know that you shouldn't have expectations when dating casually, but what kind of situation is usual in terms of frequency of contact/dates?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simple Logic
I know that you shouldn't have expectations when dating casually, but what kind of situation is usual in terms of frequency of contact/dates?

 

You know you shouldn't have expectations, but you want to a measure of what is usual. Casual means irregularly.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You know you shouldn't have expectations, but you want to a measure of what is usual. Casual means irregularly.

 

I guess I'm struggling to figure out at which point you should realize it's over, if there hasn't been a breakup.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess I'm struggling to figure out at which point you should realize it's over, if there hasn't been a breakup.

 

When you don't hear from them.

If they were interested they would contact you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
When you don't hear from them.

If they were interested they would contact you.

 

But how long without contact? That's the part that's hard to determine when it's casual.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess I'm struggling to figure out at which point you should realize it's over, if there hasn't been a breakup.

 

When they stop calling, texting and asking you out . . . you don't do much initiating. You should do some, but let him do most of it so that when it starts falling off you'll be more aware of it. If you do a lot of initiating, you're usually still wondering if he would have called on his own, etc. If a few days pass without hearing from them, you let it happen for as long as it takes. If they aren't seeing or communicating with you as often as you'd like, you end it.

 

But, what you really need to do for yourself is decide whether you like or want casual dating or if you want a real relationship. Don't co-mingle goals. It gets confusing when you do that. Have a conversation early on about goals. If you're not on the same page with overall goals, i.e. you are looking for a relationship and they only want casual, you move on. Dating casually when you are really seeking a relationship as a goal, sets yourself up for unnecessary heartbreak. The woman usually starts getting attached to a guy even though he's not going to be all in.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
But how long without contact? That's the part that's hard to determine when it's casual.

 

How long were the gaps in contact previously?

If it was a couple of weeks then a couple of weeks, couple of months then a couple of months.

If it was over Christmas and New Year then it's anyone's guess and might have been just a Christmas type thing.

If you're casually dating you know it - it's an agreement pretty much.

You each know you are not terribly invested and each can go their own way at any point should they meet someone they want to date.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
How long were the gaps in contact previously?

If it was a couple of weeks then a couple of weeks, couple of months then a couple of months.

If it was over Christmas and New Year then it's anyone's guess and might have been just a Christmas type thing.

If you're casually dating you know it - it's an agreement pretty much.

You each know you are not terribly invested and each can go their own way at any point should they meet someone they want to date.

 

Contact has always been spotty but now it's the longest gap. Nobody's being ignored, but neither of of us have reached out for like a week.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Contact has always been spotty but now it's the longest gap. Nobody's being ignored, but neither of of us have reached out for like a week.

 

Either give it maybe another week until next weekend or give him a call, find out if he has met someone and is dating.

 

No harm no foul as you're only casual.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Either give it maybe another week until next weekend or give him a call, find out if he has met someone and is dating.

 

No harm no foul as you're only casual.

 

Would it not be needy/clingy if I reached out?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
No, it would not.

 

Really? I felt like I had been initiating more recently (maybe like 60/30), and then we saw each other and I just decided to sit back and see what he does. Apparently it's nothing so far!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Really? I felt like I had been initiating more recently (maybe like 60/30), and then we saw each other and I just decided to sit back and see what he does. Apparently it's nothing so far!

 

I had been initiating more recently (maybe like 60/30) -- This is the reason I mentioned that if you're doing most of the initiating, you still wondering if he would have done more himself . . . you're still wondering what his interest level really is. Since, this is the case, you should not initiate at all right now. Let this play out. If he never reaches out, you've got your answer. Or if he takes a while, like a week or more, ask yourself, does this work for you? Even if it's casual.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I had been initiating more recently (maybe like 60/30) -- This is the reason I mentioned that if you're doing most of the initiating, you still wondering if he would have done more himself . . . you're still wondering what his interest level really is. Since, this is the case, you should not initiate at all right now. Let this play out. If he never reaches out, you've got your answer. Or if he takes a while, like a week or more, ask yourself, does this work for you? Even if it's casual.

 

If I do hear from him again I will 100% explain to him how I feel and he can take it or leave it. I'm scared of getting into another relationship, but constant uncertainty is no fun. But I realize that if I stopped caring then the uncertainty wouldn't be an issue.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ElizabethIII
I know that you shouldn't have expectations when dating casually, but what kind of situation is usual in terms of frequency of contact/dates?

 

Totally random.

 

One guy used to text me all the time and speak to me as if I was a friend and tell me things about his life and ask me about mine.

 

The next one only texts me when he wants to meet and it can be 2 months or more before he will contact me again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Simple Logic
I guess I'm struggling to figure out at which point you should realize it's over, if there hasn't been a breakup.

 

There is no breakup in casually dating. One party jusy kinda loses interest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
There is no breakup in casually dating. One party jusy kinda loses interest.

 

That's the part I'm wondering about. It's hard to tell.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElizabethIII
That's the part I'm wondering about. It's hard to tell.

 

dont ask him. just go quiet. it feels worse to be ignored or told they met someone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dont ask him. just go quiet. it feels worse to be ignored or told they met someone else.

 

Yeah you're right. I hope I hear from him again but I definitely won't reach out. I've never been in this position before, it's a mind****.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ElizabethIII
Yeah you're right. I hope I hear from him again but I definitely won't reach out. I've never been in this position before, it's a mind****.

 

the biggest mind F is when they pop up months later.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah you're right. I hope I hear from him again but I definitely won't reach out. I've never been in this position before, it's a mind****.

 

This doesn't sound like you want to casually date and you're hoping it'll turn into more. I think if he does reach out, you should ask him what his dating goals are. If he says he only wants to do casual, then you need to decide if that's what you want. If you don't, then you need to move on. I'm not into casually dating, because I end up wanting more. If I were to casually date, then I wouldn't be able to get physically involved more than just kissing because I'd want more and wouldn't want them doing that with other people.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This doesn't sound like you want to casually date and you're hoping it'll turn into more. I think if he does reach out, you should ask him what his dating goals are. If he says he only wants to do casual, then you need to decide if that's what you want. If you don't, then you need to move on. I'm not into casually dating, because I end up wanting more. If I were to casually date, then I wouldn't be able to get physically involved more than just kissing because I'd want more and wouldn't want them doing that with other people.

 

You're probably right. I went into this with no expectations but they grew kind of naturally as I got attached. Dying to get a chance to explain how I feel to him just for peace of mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You're probably right. I went into this with no expectations but they grew kind of naturally as I got attached. Dying to get a chance to explain how I feel to him just for peace of mind.

 

I've been there before, too many times! What you should do is put the focus back on yourself and not on him. Start filling your life up with things, anything. Hang out with girlfriends, go shopping, volunteer at an animal shelter, or to the gym. The more you focus on you, the less you'll focus on him, and not only will it make you more sane, it most likely would make him have more interest in you. But don't do it to get him, do it so you're happier. When we make a man our entire world, it turns them off and makes us crazy. Next time you date someone, go into to learn about that person and see if you want them in your life instead of trying to be someone so they like you. Take the role of the chooser instead of the convincer. When you do the choosing, it gives you so much more power because you realize, they are not acting the way you want and not doing what makes you want to keep them. It's taken me a long time to figure this out. Also you should sit down and write down everything you must have from someone in order for them to stay in your life. I used to only care about looks and status, and now it's other qualities, are they honest, do they do what they say they'll do, are they clear with their intentions, etc. Figure out what you want, and decide to either hire that person or fire that person. And the best thing to do is hire slowly and fire quickly. ;)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
You're probably right. I went into this with no expectations but they grew kind of naturally as I got attached. Dying to get a chance to explain how I feel to him just for peace of mind.

 

And another thing, don't explain how you feel about him, that turns men off. He should be doing that for you. Don't explain anything, just ask more questions because you are interested in learning more about him ;) Don't do it an interview type of way, say it kind of casually, like "just curious, what are you life goals" "what are you passionate about" "just curious, what are your dating goals", etc. It'll save you a lot of frustration. People told me to do that, and I didn't, and wound up placing myself in a position to be hurt later. Don't leave it up to the man to decide what happens between you two, you take the power back and you decide.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...