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One Night Stand Snuggles??


hohum

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I feel like a teenager asking such silly questions but....

 

After a few months long crush - I got some balls and gave this cutie my number. We texted a bit for a few days - he even called me once (which I never expect these days!) - I asked him out - we had a great night. Possibly too great as I took him home. (Don't judge - I have had serious relationships form after moving quickly like this!) I am not expecting a serious relationship out of this - would be fun just to hang out like this again. Here is what I am perplexed by...

 

He was ultra snuggly....which is NOT necessary if this is JUST sex. I had to run to an appointment and figured he'd be gone when I returned....but said he could stay if he wanted to....I came home to him in my bed. I snuggled on in for a snooze....this led to more fun and SNUGGLES galore...really cute and sweet. We basically lazed around until late afternoon that day and he was all kissy on his way out the door. He did NOT need to stay all day.

 

Since then I tried to await his initiating contact - but then thought I shouldn't play games and reached out with something silly - it took him a while to reply. Since then that is sort of how it goes....he is responsive but usually with delays. He rarely is the first to reach out. It feels like he has no interest now. I get it - maybe I moved too fast but if he has no interest why is he even responding at all?

 

I just truly don't understand the snuggles. Why snuggle??

 

I feel like just letting this go a few days and see what he does. The ball is in his court now right? I can't make any more moves - he knows I dig him. Ugh.

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Why not snuggle?

 

While snuggles aren't necessary, they can be lovely. And they aren't confined to loving relationships.

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I've recently watched a few dog training videos. They are very interesting wrt behavioral psychology. In these videos I've seen that dogs repeat, and thus learn, what the trainer rewards them for. They don't understand the meaning of words, nor do they care what they get rewarded for, they just want attention and rewards.

 

By reaching out to him and rewarding him with your attention and affection you are reinforcing him not reaching out. He has to put no effort into getting your attention and affection, so he'll just keep behaving the way he does. Until you stop rewarding him for that.

 

In practical terms: Stop initiating, but reward him for reaching out when he does.

Edited by umirano
Grammar
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And after the association is established between the behavior and reward, intermittent reinforcement will make it stronger and lock it down. Also called proofing in the dog training world. Since dogs can't usually read, it doesn't matter much to them... but I wouldn't leave Skinner's book on the coffee table while training the boyfriend.

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I think a lot of guys do that because they think it's the right thing to do, or they just enjoy cuddles for cuddles' sake. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. The best way to find out is to just ask him directly but expect any answer.

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I'm not as perplexed by the snuggles as I am by the fact that you left a guy you hardly knew alone in your home while you went to an appointment. Do you really think that was a safe and smart idea?

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I feel like a teenager asking such silly questions but....

 

After a few months long crush - I got some balls and gave this cutie my number. We texted a bit for a few days - he even called me once (which I never expect these days!) - I asked him out - we had a great night. Possibly too great as I took him home. (Don't judge - I have had serious relationships form after moving quickly like this!) I am not expecting a serious relationship out of this - would be fun just to hang out like this again. Here is what I am perplexed by...

 

He was ultra snuggly....which is NOT necessary if this is JUST sex. I had to run to an appointment and figured he'd be gone when I returned....but said he could stay if he wanted to....I came home to him in my bed. I snuggled on in for a snooze....this led to more fun and SNUGGLES galore...really cute and sweet. We basically lazed around until late afternoon that day and he was all kissy on his way out the door. He did NOT need to stay all day.

 

Since then I tried to await his initiating contact - but then thought I shouldn't play games and reached out with something silly - it took him a while to reply. Since then that is sort of how it goes....he is responsive but usually with delays. He rarely is the first to reach out. It feels like he has no interest now. I get it - maybe I moved too fast but if he has no interest why is he even responding at all?

 

I just truly don't understand the snuggles. Why snuggle??

 

I feel like just letting this go a few days and see what he does. The ball is in his court now right? I can't make any more moves - he knows I dig him. Ugh.

 

 

You need to get focused and decide what you want for yourself . . . either you want one-night stands or you want a relationship. If you want a relationship for yourself, don't set up one-night stands and then hope for more. You need to treat the men you hope to have an opportunity to find out if a relationship is possible with that way. You made it pretty clear that this was a one-night stand I'd say, so don't expect anything more. He snuggled because people like that sometimes.

 

but if he has no interest why is he even responding at all?

-- He's probably somewhat interested in another one-night stand at least. So, he's giving the minimum to keep you interested and he'll come around on his schedule again probably.

 

Think about how a woman feels about a man after she thinks she's just had a one-night stand. "This guy isn't interested in anything but sex".

 

If you wanted the opportunity to see if there could be a relationship with him, you should have asked him out for drinks or dinner, and had some real conversation about what you are each looking for out of your dating journey's.

 

I can't make any more moves - he knows I dig him. -- He knows you dig him by virtue of setting up a one-night stand? He knows you wanted to have sex with him -- that doesn't show him you "dig" him. If a man has a one-night stand with you, does that tell you he "digs" you? If so, you need to re-evaluate your dating criteria and expectations. There's more to it than sex, that's for sure.

 

Anyway, you're right, I wouldn't reach out to him first anymore at all. Let him come to you and then have a real conversation with him about what you're hoping/looking for. Make sure you two are on the same page overall and then see if things develop that way between the two of you and let him take the lead if he's going to.

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I'm not as perplexed by the snuggles as I am by the fact that you left a guy you hardly knew alone in your home while you went to an appointment. Do you really think that was a safe and smart idea?

 

Exactly. OP, I think you should do an inventory of your place.

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Hi to all who have responded and thank you for doing so!

 

In no particular order:

 

1. Loving the dog training tips - lol - they just may work!

 

2. I understand your worries about my leaving him in my place but we did have interactions prior to that evening where he works on several occasions - which showed me the type of guy he seems to be....not to mention our date - which WAS dinner and drinks and a lot of conversation - we didn't just run home for sex. It was this entire lead up which informed my decision to be okay with sex which also made me feel okay bringing him to my place to begin with - let alone leaving him here. There isn't much here to steal but that which is - is still present so no worries there.

 

3. There is something in between one night stands and a serious relationship - and that is what I sort of was expecting here (there is an age difference and he is younger). And please see above for an explanation that we did not just have sex - we DID have a date with lots of talk and dinner and very extended drinks. And I didn't "set up a one night stand". If he returns for one - it isn't a one night stand then right? Not a relationship - but no longer a one night stand.

 

4. He knows I dig him because I did all of the asking out - and was not shy about how giddy I was before or during. Then in my reachouts after. Like - I don't need to prove my interest in him - he knows! Perhaps it is helpful to clarify my intentions - but I kinda think he gets it - if he wanted more sex or a relationship with me - I'd clearly be down.

 

So I wanna leave the ball in his court but I know he has something important he is prepping for in a few days....is it dumb for me to wish him luck the day of his event? I know that's another reachout - but I feel like it would be rude not to. With or without that day - I'd like to just give it a few serious days to see his behavior and then possibly just ask him straight up - either in the form of another date if he is interested - or just by phone. I know from past experiences that games aren't necessary at all when the interest is mutual - so I hate all this bull**** - but maybe he's worth a little of it since maybe I should have put on the breaks?

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Hi to all who have responded and thank you for doing so!

 

In no particular order:

 

1. Loving the dog training tips - lol - they just may work!

 

2. I understand your worries about my leaving him in my place but we did have interactions prior to that evening where he works on several occasions - which showed me the type of guy he seems to be....not to mention our date - which WAS dinner and drinks and a lot of conversation - we didn't just run home for sex. It was this entire lead up which informed my decision to be okay with sex which also made me feel okay bringing him to my place to begin with - let alone leaving him here. There isn't much here to steal but that which is - is still present so no worries there.

 

3. There is something in between one night stands and a serious relationship - and that is what I sort of was expecting here (there is an age difference and he is younger). And please see above for an explanation that we did not just have sex - we DID have a date with lots of talk and dinner and very extended drinks. And I didn't "set up a one night stand". If he returns for one - it isn't a one night stand then right? Not a relationship - but no longer a one night stand.

 

4. He knows I dig him because I did all of the asking out - and was not shy about how giddy I was before or during. Then in my reachouts after. Like - I don't need to prove my interest in him - he knows! Perhaps it is helpful to clarify my intentions - but I kinda think he gets it - if he wanted more sex or a relationship with me - I'd clearly be down.

 

So I wanna leave the ball in his court but I know he has something important he is prepping for in a few days....is it dumb for me to wish him luck the day of his event? I know that's another reachout - but I feel like it would be rude not to. With or without that day - I'd like to just give it a few serious days to see his behavior and then possibly just ask him straight up - either in the form of another date if he is interested - or just by phone. I know from past experiences that games aren't necessary at all when the interest is mutual - so I hate all this bull**** - but maybe he's worth a little of it since maybe I should have put on the breaks?

 

I'm also someone that's baffled by snuggles. They may be meaningless to guys, but I find it to be odd if they don't like you. I don't even get the urge to get snuggly with a guy I don't like and it feels weird if they try.

 

I guess just don't read into it, you've done all you can do, the ball is in his court now.

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we did have interactions prior to that evening where he works on several occasions - which showed me the type of guy he seems to be....not to mention our date - which WAS dinner and drinks and a lot of conversation - we didn't just run home for sex. It was this entire lead up which informed my decision to be okay with sex which also made me feel okay bringing him to my place to begin with - let alone leaving him here.

 

With all due respect, that's not really a lot of lead up... not really enough to say that you know this guy well enough to leave him alone in your home.

 

You are taking a big risk if you trust a man to come to your home and leave him alone in your home after a few interactions at work, and a dinner and drinks... I would suggest that you be more careful in the future because it would be very sad if you had to learn this lesson the hard way...

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Hi to all who have responded and thank you for doing so!

 

In no particular order:

 

1. Loving the dog training tips - lol - they just may work!

 

2. I understand your worries about my leaving him in my place but we did have interactions prior to that evening where he works on several occasions - which showed me the type of guy he seems to be....not to mention our date - which WAS dinner and drinks and a lot of conversation - we didn't just run home for sex. It was this entire lead up which informed my decision to be okay with sex which also made me feel okay bringing him to my place to begin with - let alone leaving him here. There isn't much here to steal but that which is - is still present so no worries there.

 

3. There is something in between one night stands and a serious relationship - and that is what I sort of was expecting here (there is an age difference and he is younger). And please see above for an explanation that we did not just have sex - we DID have a date with lots of talk and dinner and very extended drinks. And I didn't "set up a one night stand". If he returns for one - it isn't a one night stand then right? Not a relationship - but no longer a one night stand.

 

4. He knows I dig him because I did all of the asking out - and was not shy about how giddy I was before or during. Then in my reachouts after. Like - I don't need to prove my interest in him - he knows! Perhaps it is helpful to clarify my intentions - but I kinda think he gets it - if he wanted more sex or a relationship with me - I'd clearly be down.

 

So I wanna leave the ball in his court but I know he has something important he is prepping for in a few days....is it dumb for me to wish him luck the day of his event? I know that's another reachout - but I feel like it would be rude not to. With or without that day - I'd like to just give it a few serious days to see his behavior and then possibly just ask him straight up - either in the form of another date if he is interested - or just by phone. I know from past experiences that games aren't necessary at all when the interest is mutual - so I hate all this bull**** - but maybe he's worth a little of it since maybe I should have put on the breaks?

 

Sometimes a "relationship" is actually a series of one-night stands . . . because there isn't a mutual goal or one party is more invested than the other, etc. My point is, he may come back for sex over and over again but he's not invested emotionally, in which case, it's a FWB or FB scenario. Communication is key. Let him come to you if he's going to. If he starts dating you "properly", then you get/give clarity about intentions.

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RecentChange

Snuggles do not necessarily mean an emotional connection. They feel good!

 

Perhaps I can't recall a snuggle fest with a ONS, but casual sex partners / F buddies? Heck yeah.

 

Some we kept it strictly sex, to the point of avoiding kissing.

 

But I have had partners that snuggled, cuddled, lazed around all day in bed with and traded body massages - but we never "dated", weren't a couple, and basically kept things strictly physical.

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purrrfectlyflawed

I kind of got an LOL out of the no kissing remark. So you have actually had sex with someone without kissing?? Even in the most casual of flings and one nighters, every guy has always kissed me, usually much more than once.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

QUOTE=RecentChange;7184478]Snuggles do not necessarily mean an emotional connection. They feel good!

 

Perhaps I can't recall a snuggle fest with a ONS, but casual sex partners / F buddies? Heck yeah.

 

Some we kept it strictly sex, to the point of avoiding kissing.

 

But I have had partners that snuggled, cuddled, lazed around all day in bed with and traded body massages - but we never "dated", weren't a couple, and basically kept things strictly physical.

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RecentChange

Always some kissing, but I have had a (or two) longer term FB's who kinda withdrew from kissing. Not totally off the table, but the longer make out seshs fell by the wayside. I had one straight out tell me that it was easier to keep emotions out of it with less kissing.

 

I made it clear I like kissing because it feels good, but some people really do find it a bit more intimate than sex if you can believe that.

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Versacehottie

Hmmmm adding my two cents: while I def think how much a guy snuggles you CAN be a factor of how much or in what way he's into you, I think it has the most to do with how affectionate in that way that he is, in general. In other words, there are guys you meet and you just know they are going to be like that by the way they are with other PDA-or sometimes even just their personalities! And ones that you can pretty much be sure are NOT gonna be extra snuggly. So in your particular situation OP, just enjoy it while it's happening, try not to read too much into it. I would put most stock into him reaching out, making future plans with you and whether or not he puts in similar effort level as you. I agree with the others that said basically, the next move is his to make. Good luck

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So clearly the snuggles are on a case by case basis. And I am honestly fine if this became of fwb situation - strangely - that might be just fine with me right about now. I was just trying to understand the cuddle if he wasn't gonna try getting together with me again for that. It was really too sweet!

 

As for comfort levels bringing people home - thank you very much for your concern but it's all good - I don't bring everyone home with me like that - all my stuff is safe - it's all good.

 

I suppose time will tell....

 

I just hate playing games and hate it when this **** matters this much y'no?

 

Best of luck to us all!

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So I'm just curious. Why do you care if you like the guy and are the one who has to initiate contact? I mean, I know it's flattering if someone shows interest too, but is it absolutely necessary? It doesn't sound like you're looking for your next great love affair.

 

So I'd suggest this, based on my previous experience. Just set up a regular day every week, or two if you like him that much. Same day, same time, no need to even confirm, only to send regrets if something comes up.

 

Believe me, if you are into the FWB thing, that is the perfect arrangement and you skip all the texting and game-playing and sending smoke signals for the rest of the week, allowing you to focus on your real life. If he snuggles, he snuggles. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Doesn't matter.

 

The big benefit is that because you already know what your schedule is like, you can plan your other dates and activities around that.

 

I always liked Tuesday.

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The ball is in his court now right?

 

actually the balls are in your court and the vagina in his

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I definitely remember responding to this again after your other replies. I am not seeing it now though. Thank you again everyone....still not hearing much from this dude - doubt he's all that interested. UGH.

 

Thanks!!

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Snuggling shows he is extremely affectionate. And yeah, that type of affection does send signals that someone is into you...... yet to you it conflicts with his lack of ambition to initiate communication. There are so many unknowns here and the only thing you will do is play a cat and mouse game with him, which is nothing other than a series of chess moves using bluffs. (an example, after a date, refrain from texting for a certain number of hours, days to avoid looking clingy.) While there is 'some' truth to that, there are no set list of rules to follow. You make your own rules here, and if you initiate contact and someone you're dating distances themselves because of perceived clinginess, you're better off. Sometimes that could be an insight as to what communication could be like in a relationship.

 

My advice, initiate another date, and talk. Get to know each other, snuggle more, and be a little nudge here. If he backs off, go with the flow (wait and see). Anything worth having is worth a little patience.

Edited by morrowrd
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