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Thoughts & advice: Dating someone who is blind?


ButterflyLion

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ButterflyLion

Thoughts on dating someone blind?

Its something i'm seriously considering but I want to be sensible and make sure I've thought it through and I'm not going into it with my eyes shut.

 

A bit of background, I met (lets call him Tyler) when I was 12, we mixed in the same friendship groups. As we grew up there was always something there, I'm not going to say we were best friends or star crossed lovers, not true, but there was always a spark, just the timing was never right, i had a boyfriend, then he has a girlfriend, then it seemed like no time had passed at all and he was 18 and leaving.

 

He was the kind of guy that was the best at every sport he ever tried, always the one leading us into adventure! He left at 18 to travel the world and pursue his sport, and i stayed and studied and started working.

 

A year ago, stuff changed! He had an accident and as a result he lost his sight. Again, I'm not going to pretend like I was the one that pulled him through, like some movie romance! I was really upset to hear what happened and when he moved back home as a result I was sad to see him like that, the guy that was always so full of life so defeated, so broken.

 

But over the last year the guy pulled through, he's parents and brothers were always of the opinion that blindness wasn't an excuse, he could still do anything anyone else could, he just needed to work out a new way to do it! He's learnt to get around, he's got a mega cute guide dog, he's learnt to ride a bike and evens driven with a buddy guiding him, he's learnt to surf again, his mates are desperate to teach him to play football again - although that is proving difficult. He's even gone to work, running fishing and nature boat tours with his dad and brother, which is pretty impressive blind!

He's even got a wicked sense of humour about it, he takes great pleasure in shouting "hey, look at that" and ribbing us when we look! So annoying because I fall for it every. single. time!! :rolleyes: He can laugh at himself too, he even thinks its funny when people purposefully rearrange stuff so he ends up putting salt on his porridge instead of sugar and that kind of thing!

 

I've never been one to fall at the feet of a guy just because he's captain of the football team, or fancied by half the school, but he has really shown that sight doesn't make the man, who he is is deeper and stronger than his vision, and i have mad respect for that!

 

Truth is, I've you;d asked me two years ago if id consider dating a blind man, id of said no! But I don't even see him as "a blind man", he's just Tyler, the same Tyler I grew up with, only now he cant see!

 

The last few months I've been spending more and more time with him, I can feel myself getting excited to see him, and even putting more effort into what i wear, which is pretty pointless (sometimes he'll be like "hey, that looks great on you, and i'll be like "thanksss" until the penny drops :rolleyes:). We've been for lunch, and horse riding, and to sports games/movies where i'll be like his personal commentator, i enjoy his company, but I've kind of been ignoring my feelings for a while i guess!

 

He asked me a couple of months ago if i remembered the (jokey) pact we made when we were 14, if neither of us were married at 35, we'd be each others 'back up', i told him i did, he said "wrong answer, better start dating like crazy girl, or I'm gonna hold you to it now", he was joking of course, but the thought of marrying him... it doesn't scare me!

 

We went to a wedding the other day and he asked me to dance, and we did, and i felt it, i felt that spark that's always been then, i felt it stronger than ever! I thought about kissing him then.....

 

....i guess the only thing stopping me is, i worry I'm being unrealistic, like can i make this work long term? I don't want to hurt him, by getting involved in something when I haven't given proper thought to the challenges we might face.

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What's the harm in going on a date? The point of dating is to get to know the other person a little better and slowly figure out whether you're compatible together. When you agree to a first date, that's all you're agreeing to--a first date. You aren't guaranteeing that you'll get engaged or married. It's a date to explore whether you might both be interested in pursuing a relationship or whatever. That's true whether the person is sighted or blind.

 

You sound excited about dating him. Give it a shot! :)

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ButterflyLion
What's the harm in going on a date? The point of dating is to get to know the other person a little better and slowly figure out whether you're compatible together. When you agree to a first date, that's all you're agreeing to--a first date. You aren't guaranteeing that you'll get engaged or married. It's a date to explore whether you might both be interested in pursuing a relationship or whatever. That's true whether the person is sighted or blind.

 

You sound excited about dating him. Give it a shot! :)

 

Yes true true!! Maybe I'm putting more pressure on it than needs be! I guess the added concern is... there's history there, I don't want to risk wrecking the friendship unless I feel like we have a shot! And I do feel like we have a shot!! But also we have the Some of the same friends, friends who are pretty protective of Ty now, my sister is dating one of his very good friends, I guess there's a worrying in the back of mind (I know it's irrational) like if I date him and then it doesn't work out, everyone's going to hate me! I know that's stupid!

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I think he's shown what kind of person he is. If nothing else you know that he's a strong man with a good heart. I think it would do some good to research it some, try googling dating/marrying someone that is blind and see what comes up. I'm sure you'll find common problems those couples face, and then you can more accurately get an idea of what your life would be like.

 

 

Really though, if you feel that spark then go for it.

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You're overthinking this.

 

Would you be this concerned if he wasn't blind? Or are you seeing him as fragile and frail because he's blind? Obviously he doesn't feel fragile and frail. He's leading tours, enjoying most of his hobbies, and enjoying his life. No one else around him is treating him as if he's fragile and frail. So neither should you.

 

Go on the date. Have fun. Either you'll hit it off. Or you won't. It's no different than dating any other guy.

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...i guess the only thing stopping me is, i worry I'm being unrealistic, like can i make this work long term? I don't want to hurt him, by getting involved in something when I haven't given proper thought to the challenges we might face.

 

 

I know several blind/visually impaired people who are in long term, stable relationships or marriages with normally sighted people. The problems in these relationships are pretty much the same as with normally sighted people. The everyday life is not that different, some adjustments to the household have to be made (dog care, blind-safe appliances) but from what I've seen it's nothing too crazy. I'd say that there are quite a number of diseases/disabilities that pose much bigger medical/psychological/social problems. Everything else being equal it's probably easier and more fulfilling being in a relationship with a blind person than with someone who, e.g. suffers from depression, or certain auto-immune diseases.

 

One thing I have heard is that some people who are blind and can't work for a certain time have a very hard time getting back into work. Then again you have normally sighted people who don't want to get a job.

 

In summary, if you'd date this man if he were not blind, then you can safely give a relationship a try.

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You're overthinking this.

 

Would you be this concerned if he wasn't blind? Or are you seeing him as fragile and frail because he's blind? Obviously he doesn't feel fragile and frail. He's leading tours, enjoying most of his hobbies, and enjoying his life. No one else around him is treating him as if he's fragile and frail. So neither should you.

 

Go on the date. Have fun. Either you'll hit it off. Or you won't. It's no different than dating any other guy.

 

Ah you're so right!! So right!!! If he wasn't blind the thought wouldn't of crosse my mind!

And obviously he is blind and I can't ignore that but your totally right, he absolutely would want no special treatment from anyone, he'd hate the thought that I was trying to wrap him up in cotton wool or something!!

 

And I don't know why I think he'd be so heartbroken over me anyway - he's dealt with much worse things than losing me!!

 

Maybe I am thinking 10 steps ahead!! Maybe I should just go with the flow!

Thank you!

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I think the most important things you've said here is that he's got a great sense of humour about the whole thing! Of course there will be challenges, all couples have challenges, but yes yours may be more obvious, more pronounced, but if he has such a great sense of humour (which you hopefully share) and the ability to laugh at himself - then are those challengers actually going to pose any threat to a relationship, probably not!

 

Im sure there's tons of daily challenges and annoyences when your blind that people with sight don't even think about and are probably hard to imagine! However if your with someone who can deal with these situations with humour and strength, which he obviously can, then that's going to help you connect with him, and bypass the issue and stop it driving a wedge in your (potential) new relationship!

 

You knew him before he was blind, you knew him after, if you've honestly liked him all that time, through all of that, then surely that's got to be worth a shot?

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Interesting...how romantic people tend to paint such situations w/o offering what reality has and will be of daily course. Dare-devil, leading tours, etc....

 

I apologize for being a realist here, but I do not believe that it is 'cool' that this gentleman is blind or assists in tours. I am absolutely ambivalent to a man who is clearly independent and understands his limitations....and, yes, he does have limitations.

 

Your initial questioning regarding the possible complications of dating someone blind is SPOT ON. Anyone who goes into dating (relationship) anyone with any kind of 'handicap' w/o considering the complexities is simply not very smart or frankly, responsible. Why do I say this, well, it happens far too often that potential hardships often lead to a reality check that makes any relationship too difficult to maintain. Too many people have 'idealistic', 'fantasies' regarding their role in such relationships that could lead to heartache. YOU should know why and how you will enhance his life and that that commitment is one of deliberate follow-through. Both for your and HIS sake.

 

Is there any reason not to consider dating him? It sounds like he's a great guy (who is blind and THAT IS IMPORTANT). No matter how much you'd like to think he is like everyone else, he isn't. I know that you are not, but don't minimize his blindness and yet, don't pretend it is a natural impediment towards a healthy, happy future, relationship.

 

I say go for it....but be on terra firma.

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He seems like very well adapted and independent - therefore I think it shouldn't be a problem to date him.

 

Heck it will make a great romantic story if you end up together after all these years:)

 

I know a family where the man is blind due to cancer - he is working (he's a teacher), independent, intelligent, and they have a happy life together.

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Of course it is a thing... If they were getting married. To my understanding they just wanted to go on a date for now, and most dates (regardless of the health status of the participants) go to nowhere.

 

He is managing his condition, at least it is known by her. It is probably less of an issue than dating an alcoholic (my father died from it prematurely and I have many stories to tell :( ), bipolar (my friend'd dad start attacking them when getting manic), diabetic (can lose sight / limb anytime), someone with autoimmune disorder (my ex's mom died suddenly in her sleep from one) etc.

 

But I agree with you romanticizing the situation is plain wrong. It is more about measuring the pros and cons if they decide to date long term or marry.

 

Interesting...how romantic people tend to paint such situations w/o offering what reality has and will be of daily course. Dare-devil, leading tours, etc....

 

I apologize for being a realist here, but I do not believe that it is 'cool' that this gentleman is blind or assists in tours. I am absolutely ambivalent to a man who is clearly independent and understands his limitations....and, yes, he does have limitations.

 

Your initial questioning regarding the possible complications of dating someone blind is SPOT ON. Anyone who goes into dating (relationship) anyone with any kind of 'handicap' w/o considering the complexities is simply not very smart or frankly, responsible. Why do I say this, well, it happens far too often that potential hardships often lead to a reality check that makes any relationship too difficult to maintain. Too many people have 'idealistic', 'fantasies' regarding their role in such relationships that could lead to heartache. YOU should know why and how you will enhance his life and that that commitment is one of deliberate follow-through. Both for your and HIS sake.

 

Is there any reason not to consider dating him? It sounds like he's a great guy (who is blind and THAT IS IMPORTANT). No matter how much you'd like to think he is like everyone else, he isn't. I know that you are not, but don't minimize his blindness and yet, don't pretend it is a natural impediment towards a healthy, happy future, relationship.

 

I say go for it....but be on terra firma.

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Sounds like you're falling for eachother. And I am excited for you. I think it would be wonderful. He sounds like a solid guy. Make some moves! I'll buy a hat.

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ButterflyLion
I think the most important things you've said here is that he's got a great sense of humour about the whole thing! Of course there will be challenges, all couples have challenges, but yes yours may be more obvious, more pronounced, but if he has such a great sense of humour (which you hopefully share) and the ability to laugh at himself - then are those challengers actually going to pose any threat to a relationship, probably not!

True, true! Honestly I've always liked the guy but my respect for him has gone through the roof for the way he's picked himself up and rebuilt his life! His positivity is inspiring!

(And to be fair, his friends, the guys i grew up with, i always thought they were decent enough guys, but the way they've supported him and helped him, i have more respect for all of them)!

 

Im sure there's tons of daily challenges and annoyences when your blind that people with sight don't even think about and are probably hard to imagine! However if your with someone who can deal with these situations with humour and strength, which he obviously can, then that's going to help you connect with him, and bypass the issue and stop it driving a wedge in your (potential) new relationship!

Yeah, thats kind of what brought me here in the first place, i know there will be challenges, but right now i cant think of any scenario that would bother me too much! But i dont want to go in with my head in the sand!

 

You knew him before he was blind, you knew him after, if you've honestly liked him all that time, through all of that, then surely that's got to be worth a shot?

Truuueeeee, i feel like at this point, if i dont at the very least make a move, i'll always wonder.

 

The really weird thing is that probably since 18 he has always been my "what if" my "one that got away" there was always something there between us, the timing was always wrong and then he was leaving and i thought it was foolish to start anything, but sometimes in the years that followed he'd pop into my head and id wonder briefly what could of been, i'd still chat to his family when i saw them out and about, i'd always look through any new photos he posted on fb. I wasnt pining after him or anything, but he was a what if.

 

I certainly wouldnt wish what happened on him!! But its been nice to reconnect with the guy, and we're closer than we ever were before, he's definitely become one of my favourite people!

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Sounds kinda cool, actually. Like Daredevil! He's blind but he still kicks butt and gets chicks!

Well I'm sure he'd enjoy the comparison, and he would hate people to feel sorry for him, but I'd still do anything to give him back his sight, I know life doesn't always go the way you think it should, but he didn't deserve what happened!

 

 

Is there any reason not to consider dating him? It sounds like he's a great guy (who is blind and THAT IS IMPORTANT). No matter how much you'd like to think he is like everyone else, he isn't. I know that you are not, but don't minimize his blindness and yet, don't pretend it is a natural impediment towards a healthy, happy future, relationship.

I say go for it....but be on terra firma.

Totally take your point! Of course there are things he finds more difficult day in day out, he cant just look at a menu and order what he wants, he has to order custom made tactile maps he cant just look at a sign post, when we go shopping i have to describe what some baseball cap looks like in fine detail for him and he'll always finish with "right, and is it me? Would I have worn it?" which always strikes me as a little sad.

But these challenges, and others like them, aren't really anything that i see affecting a potential relationship! But I totally agree i think its important to seriously think it through and question what challenges might!

 

 

He seems like very well adapted and independent - therefore I think it shouldn't be a problem to date him.

Heck it will make a great romantic story if you end up together after all these years:)

Haha, well like I say the really weird thing is that probably since 18 he has always been my "what if" my "one that got away" there was always something there between us, the timing was always wrong and then he was leaving and i thought it was foolish to start anything, but sometimes in the years that followed he'd pop into my head and id wonder briefly what could of been, i'd still chat to his family when i saw them out and about, i'd always look through any new photos he posted on fb. I wasnt pining after him or anything, but he was a what if.

 

I certainly wouldnt wish what happened on him!! But its been nice to reconnect with the guy, and we're closer than we ever were before, he's definitely become one of my favourite people!

 

But im not getting carried away with that, i dont think we're living in a romcom or anything haha!

 

 

He is managing his condition, at least it is known by her. It is probably less of an issue than dating an alcoholic (my father died from it prematurely and I have many stories to tell :( ), bipolar (my friend'd dad start attacking them when getting manic), diabetic (can lose sight / limb anytime), someone with autoimmune disorder (my ex's mom died suddenly in her sleep from one) etc.

Yes very true!! Its quite a simple condition to understand compared to a mental illness, he's exactly the same guy he always was, he just cant see.

 

That said i still forget constantly, i'll forever be like "pass me the red one", "where are my keys?", "look how [his guide dog] is sleeping". But he's always really patience with me, he is never even slightly annoyed or frustrated, he'll just look, and grin. I feel like his endless patience with me increases the patience i have with him!

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When is the date?:p Don't leave us hanging!

 

Well he has to agree to go out with me first hasn't he!!! :laugh: I'm just assuming that he's going to want to!! :o:lmao:

 

I'm going to have to make a move i guess cause i dont think he would these days!

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The really weird thing is that probably since 18 he has always been my "what if" my "one that got away" there was always something there between us, the timing was always wrong and then he was leaving and i thought it was foolish to start anything, but sometimes in the years that followed he'd pop into my head and id wonder briefly what could of been, i'd still chat to his family when i saw them out and about, i'd always look through any new photos he posted on fb. I wasnt pining after him or anything, but he was a what if.

 

I certainly wouldnt wish what happened on him!! But its been nice to reconnect with the guy, and we're closer than we ever were before, he's definitely become one of my favourite people!

 

Surely that's your answer! You've thought what if once before! Surely it's better to try and fail than stay wondering what could have been!!

You won't know till you try!!

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Well he has to agree to go out with me first hasn't he!!! :laugh: I'm just assuming that he's going to want to!! :o:lmao:

 

I'm going to have to make a move i guess cause i dont think he would these days!

 

Yes, I think in this type of situation, you will have to ask. Report back and let us know how he responds.:bunny:

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What an amazing guy!

I laughed out loud at the 'Hey, look at that!' :)

He also has some amazing friends from the sound of it.

 

I would go for it.

Something to remember is his imagination will be much more honed so describing things to him is his sight.

Plus, you were back ups (even though jokingly at the time and I'm thinking semi- jokingly now) but he knows what you look like. There is a guy I know who is losing his sight and he is out there dating at the moment and he wants to date now before he loses his sight because he wants to know what his partner looks like.

 

It will likely feel awkward and strange at first but he can ride the bumps - he already has in massive ways so if you can ride them with him..well..

 

Say something OP, I think the ball is firmly in your court. His back up comment was a little feeler.

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you seem to get on so well, it would be a waste to let him go, imo

 

Surely that's your answer! You've thought what if once before! Surely it's better to try and fail than stay wondering what could have been!!

You won't know till you try!!

 

Yes, I think in this type of situation, you will have to ask. Report back and let us know how he responds.:bunny:

 

Yeah, you guys are all right! There's no point sitting around pondering whether i like the guy is there! I wouldn't be here, writing all this if i didn't like the guy! Theres no good reason for us not to give it a go!

 

I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway, we're going to take his boat up the coast and get some lunch, so i guess that's as good a time as any to broach the subject!

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What an amazing guy!

I laughed out loud at the 'Hey, look at that!' :)

He also has some amazing friends from the sound of it.

Haha honestly I fall for it every single time, its ridiculous :rolleyes::lmao:

 

He's always been a massive joker! He's a good sport though, he can dish it out and take it! And yeah, he's friends have been awesome!!

 

Plus, you were back ups (even though jokingly at the time and I'm thinking semi- jokingly now) but he knows what you look like. There is a guy I know who is losing his sight and he is out there dating at the moment and he wants to date now before he loses his sight because he wants to know what his partner looks like.

True true!! That is a thought that has crossed my mind! I'm 99% certain that there was mutual attraction there before! In someways that is a comforting thought! Not that looks mean everything, not at all, but he's a very attractive guy and i think everyone likes to know that their partner or potential partner finds them physically attractive!

 

It will likely feel awkward and strange at first but he can ride the bumps - he already has in massive ways so if you can ride them with him..well..

I'm sure, i guess as well it'd be a little wired regardless of his sight as we've been friends for so many years! And yeah it's a great point, he's proved himself as being pretty great about overcoming obstacles (hopefully I can take his lead on that!)

 

Say something OP, I think the ball is firmly in your court. His back up comment was a little feeler.

Yeah, i handt thought that! I guess it could have been actually!

I'm seeing him tomorrow, we're going to take his boat up the coast and get some lunch so i'll try to broach the subject then!

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All I can think is be gentle about it - anf if you are serious not make it too jokey.

He can't read your facial expressions so 'think' about how to approach it.

He doesn't want to look a fool and neither do you.

 

I think if I were you touch his hand and express your feeling through that - touch can mean more than any words can express.

 

I loved your story about him and I wish you all the best!

If you are unsure about his response come back, It'll be weird/awkward/nervy but I think you can do this and my goodness if I could find a man like that....

I wouldn't take things fast but I would want to make the feelings you are having known.

Make it late in the day to say something - that way he can go away and think. He will need some time to think most likely and will need space for that - all fair enough. You would too in his position.

 

Have a great day tomorrow!

I am so excited for you!!:) x

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