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Whose turn is it? [UPDATE: Pain doesn't make sense?]


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Hello LS friends,

Back after a long time. I am in a situation and want an opinion outside of box. I met a shy girl couple of months back. After this initial introduction, I met her again on Christmas market and invited her for a celebration party. She came and we had good time.

 

After this, she went back to her country for 1 week for holidays. After her arrival, I texted her for a cup of tea and she agreed. I wanted to meet her before my travelling started. However, she cancelled few hours before because she got occupied with her other stuff. I guess initially she thought she could finish her stuff before our meeting, but couldn't manage to do it. She suggested to meet on the coming week. I told her when I'll be back.

 

So, I am back now and getting myself confused who should initiate the contact. One of my best friends suggested it should be her since I am doing all the work, but his GF has the complete opposite opinion.

 

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks :)

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Hello LS friends,

Back after a long time. I am in a situation and want an opinion outside of box. I met a shy girl couple of months back. After this initial introduction, I met her again on Christmas market and invited her for a celebration party. She came and we had good time.

 

After this, she went back to her country for 1 week for holidays. After her arrival, I texted her for a cup of tea and she agreed. I wanted to meet her before my travelling started. However, she cancelled few hours before because she got occupied with her other stuff. I guess initially she thought she could finish her stuff before our meeting, but couldn't manage to do it. She suggested to meet on the coming week. I told her when I'll be back.

 

So, I am back now and getting myself confused who should initiate the contact. One of my best friends suggested it should be her since I am doing all the work, but his GF has the complete opposite opinion.

 

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks :)

 

She cancelled and made a suggestion for an alternate date without specifics. Let her get back to you with something more concrete. You've done the initial initiating let her give you something more encouraging since she's the one who cancelled.

 

I would text her once while you are away. Just to keep the line of communication open. Keep it light.

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strawberryshortstack
Hello LS friends,

Back after a long time. I am in a situation and want an opinion outside of box. I met a shy girl couple of months back. After this initial introduction, I met her again on Christmas market and invited her for a celebration party. She came and we had good time.

 

After this, she went back to her country for 1 week for holidays. After her arrival, I texted her for a cup of tea and she agreed. I wanted to meet her before my travelling started. However, she cancelled few hours before because she got occupied with her other stuff. I guess initially she thought she could finish her stuff before our meeting, but couldn't manage to do it. She suggested to meet on the coming week. I told her when I'll be back.

 

So, I am back now and getting myself confused who should initiate the contact. One of my best friends suggested it should be her since I am doing all the work, but his GF has the complete opposite opinion.

 

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks :)

 

Even though you told her when you'd be back, I'd send her a message just to let her know, and then leave the ball in her court.

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As the guy, be the one to always or usually initiate. I'm old school on that and love it in a guy. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I'd go with, "Hi, I'm back. Looking forward to our meeting for tea. How is Thursday for you?"

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If you're interested, ask her out.

 

If you're going to keep tabs on who contacted who last and a balance sheet of who did what when, then just move on. You aren't that into her.

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You are overthinking, if you want to see her again get in touch. It's not about who contacts who, it's about arranging dates and seeing each other, ask already!

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If I recall correctly, you said you live in an Asian country? In that case, definitely you. Her girlfriends are probably telling her you're not interested if you don't contact her. :laugh:

 

Otherwise, I don't think it matters too much.

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heavenonearth
'I'm baaack! What's up?'

 

See where it goes. If she's not enthused you're back, cool, next.

 

THIS.

 

Good luck.

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Thank you for all the replies. I send her a sms saying that "I'm back and how's everything going?" I didn't receive any answer till now and I guess I probably won't.

 

 

Elswyth: I am not in my home country, but in an European country.

 

 

Angel Eyes & Blue Iris: I am an old school also, but any kind of relationship is a two way street, not one.

 

 

Cheers.....

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Update:

So, here's the latest update. I sent her another sms stating that if you are free on Friday, perhaps we can go for a tea? She replied that she's busy and hard to work on Friday/weekend as she took Monday off instead.

 

I think I made the mistake of asking her if she is free tomorrow? She wrote me back that work is too busy and hope to see me at next afterwork (a place where I met for the first time).

 

I thought I came a bit strong and wrote her "Accept my sincere apology if I came as too enthusiastic. See you around. Cheers :)

 

Did I blown it out of proportion?

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Next time, don't apologize. Just say, something like, "Yeah, work can get hectic sometimes. Let me know when you're free." Then drop it.

 

She's not interested, but you've left the door open. Now, on to the next!

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I just got text from her saying " I want to make friends and do things with a group, that's all".

 

Should I reply or keep silent? Perhaps I can write "Don't get me wrong. My thinking is along the same lines as well. You seem like a fun and interesting person that's why I wanted to know more about you. Moreover, you are the first xyz nationality person I met here.

Edited by ffw
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It sounds like you aren't getting it. Don't respond. Delete her number.

 

She's not interested. She doesn't want to date you. She doesn't want to get to know you better. That's why she's too busy to meet up with you, but said she would see you in a group setting at the happy hour place, Afterworks or whatever it was called. She can find time for happy hour to mingle with everyone, but not to see you individually.

 

On to the next.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Thanks again for all your replies. I get what all of you are saying. She is really shy and kind of socially awkward. I came across this thread, which in some reminds me of the situation

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/609017-need-females-perspective-those-who-identify-socially-awkward-female-2.html

 

My point of view is that since we don't know each very well then maybe I can give more time and meeting to ourselves and see where things go.

 

There is a chance that some of my colleagues will go out for drink and I am thinking to invite her.

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There is a chance that some of my colleagues will go out for drink and I am thinking to invite her.

 

Don't invite her. First, its too soon. She knows you're interested in her romantically, not friendly, which is what she wants. Personally, I think if you do, you'll be putting her in an awkward situation. She knows the only reason you invited her with your friends is because you want to see her. Then, she'll start seeing you as that guy that won't leave her alone. Idk, maybe that last sentence was too much, but you catch my drift. I'd just stop talking to her.

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Don't invite her. First, its too soon. She knows you're interested in her romantically, not friendly, which is what she wants. Personally, I think if you do, you'll be putting her in an awkward situation. She knows the only reason you invited her with your friends is because you want to see her. Then, she'll start seeing you as that guy that won't leave her alone. Idk, maybe that last sentence was too much, but you catch my drift. I'd just stop talking to her.

 

I get what you are saying, XUnknown, and I am going to skip inviting her. It's probably the best.

 

Just to be clear when she wrote me "I want to make friends and do things with a group, that's all". I asked her not sure why she is telling me this and she responded with brief explanation of the above sentence and doesn't want to give a wrong impression. Later, I wrote my sole intention was to have an intellectual conversation with her. This conversation ended with her texting "Great. See you"

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She is really shy and kind of socially awkward

 

I want to make friends and do things with a group, that's all -- this statement doesn't support your observation or your "subliminal premise" . . . :)

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You are downplaying your interest in her.

Anyone with half a brain can see right through that.

The dishonesty looks weak and insecure.

It would have been way more attractive if you had said "No problem. I'm not interested in just being friends. Take care. :)"

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She was crystal clear. She wants to do things with a group, that's all. That was her response to your original invite. In other words, she doesn't want to do things with you! She's not interested in getting to know you, having you as a "friend," dating you, or otherwise spending time one-on-one with you.

 

Let it go. There's nothing there. This interest in getting to know each other is one-sided. She wants no part of it. So on to the next. Leave her alone. More invites from you simply turns you into that annoying guy who won't take no for an answer.

 

Please let this go.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Hello LS friends,

I feel like a teenager to write about this, but I am not able to understand why I am reacting this way. I am feeling a constant pain like I have gone through a breakup. This is a followup of my last post

 

"http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/608207-whose-turn"

 

I went against the advice of LS friends and thought to give myself a chance to get closure (?). So, I invited her in a friend's party. She came to the party and was talkative as well. We talked about various topics including our interests, bit of family, etc. One point we are taking psychology and I asked what she sees in the mirror when she herself and she told me "nothing". Sometimes, I do that too.

 

One thing I noticed she almost never starts a topic. Its just more like I start a topic and she responds and then ask me the same question. Again she asked me about after-work parties, which I don't when it will be. She's going to USA for 2 months and told me she's super busy. I think I made my intentions as clear as possible and I am not going to contact her again. The thing I don't understand is why I am feeling a constant pain? Is it because of rejection? At the end I told her to keep in touch and she smiled.

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Hello LS friends,

I feel like a teenager to write about this, but I am not able to understand why I am reacting this way. I am feeling a constant pain like I have gone through a breakup. This is a followup of my last post

 

"http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/608207-whose-turn"

 

I went against the advice of LS friends and thought to give myself a chance to get closure (?). So, I invited her in a friend's party. She came to the party and was talkative as well. We talked about various topics including our interests, bit of family, etc. One point we are taking psychology and I asked what she sees in the mirror when she herself and she told me "nothing". Sometimes, I do that too.

 

One thing I noticed she almost never starts a topic. Its just more like I start a topic and she responds and then ask me the same question. Again she asked me about after-work parties, which I don't when it will be. She's going to USA for 2 months and told me she's super busy. I think I made my intentions as clear as possible and I am not going to contact her again. The thing I don't understand is why I am feeling a constant pain? Is it because of rejection? At the end I told her to keep in touch and she smiled.

 

 

There is more likely to be pain when you aren't honest with yourself, you ignored red flags, and you ignored your own gut feelings. The pain you are feeling is probably the damage that has been done to your self esteem. What makes it worse is that somewhere within, you knew this would be the outcome but still went ahead anyway.

 

You need to learn to be honest with yourself. You did not invite her out for closure, you invited her out to try to get her to appreciate you. You need to figure out why you would chase someone that was clearly not interested.

 

The wisdom within us knows only truth, dishonesty brings pain to us all.

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There is more likely to be pain when you aren't honest with yourself, you ignored red flags, and you ignored your own gut feelings. The pain you are feeling is probably the damage that has been done to your self esteem. What makes it worse is that somewhere within, you knew this would be the outcome but still went ahead anyway.

 

You need to learn to be honest with yourself. You did not invite her out for closure, you invited her out to try to get her to appreciate you. You need to figure out why you would chase someone that was clearly not interested.

 

The wisdom within us knows only truth, dishonesty brings pain to us all.

 

I hear you OnlyHonestly. This is the 1st time in my life I did something like this. Usually, I am very direct and honest both to the person in front and myself. I guess I took this road because I heard stories from my colleagues and their partners about how they could managed to turned friendship to relationships. I should have listen to my gut feelings from beginning and told her I can't be just friends.

 

Well, I am not going to anything with her unless I hear from her and then I'll be honest and clear both to herself and myself. Thanks :)

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Whenever I am alone I can see her face and my thoughts keeps on getting occupied with her. Talking like a teenager :)

I am not sure what to do this point. Should I keep bottle up my feelings for her? or should I tell her? Since she already mentioned at the beginning she's not comfortable meeting alone and to hangout only in groups the only option left is to call her. Ofcourse, this is just as a closure from my side and am not expecting anything from her. However, whenever we meet each other in future that will be really awkward. My observation is she's not interested in more than friendship with anyone. Any thoughts will be appreciated?

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Whenever I am alone I can see her face and my thoughts keeps on getting occupied with her. Talking like a teenager :)

I am not sure what to do this point. Should I keep bottle up my feelings for her? or should I tell her? Since she already mentioned at the beginning she's not comfortable meeting alone and to hangout only in groups the only option left is to call her. Ofcourse, this is just as a closure from my side and am not expecting anything from her. However, whenever we meet each other in future that will be really awkward. My observation is she's not interested in more than friendship with anyone. Any thoughts will be appreciated?

 

This is just you trying to deal with the fact that she's not interested in more than friendship with YOU. It might be that she's not looking for a relationship in general, but fact is, she rejected you.

 

I don't think contacting her again will do you much good, and it will be awkward for her. Rejection is always hard, but you weren't that deeply involved with this person, so I'd advise you to think and reflect on why this is having such an impact on you. (good luck!)

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