My boyfriend's family doesn't like me and it's taking a toll on us

[Sublime90]

Greetings! I am new on this site/forum. I have a situation that I want to vent about. Opinions are needed because I don't know what to do anymore.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. In the course of our relationship his family has problems with me. I am a bubbly nice girl. I have a etiquette, and class. I was raised to always be friendly, classy, and respectful. I always bought them gifts and brought something to family functions. I talked to everyone and was always kind to them. His mother liked me at first, but then she turned on me for some reason that I don't know of. Nothing was going on, so I was very confused as to why she didn't like me all of a sudden. Well, her boyfriend who is a ex-marine called me a "fat weirdo" at a family function. I ran out of the house crying and left my boyfriend there because I was so upset what her boyfriend said, and it was out of nowhere. I called his mother on it in a diplomatic way and said "Why do you and your boyfriend have a problem with me? What did I ever do to you two? I was nothing but kind to you. I can't believe how I was treated. I am confused. I want answers as to why I am being treated so terribly by you and your boyfriend. It's not fair since I really liked you two." She said "Get over it. Move on. Who cares what he said. I don't got time for this."

 

So, I was upset, but kept it to myself. His one sister cut me out because she thought I was being disrespectful towards her mother? When I was really diplomatic. Then it snowballed into his step sister talking crap on me, when i only met her one time because she lives in North Carolina. I was sick of hearing his family talk about me when I bought them gifts and have been nothing but nice to them. I was close to his sister Diana, and I helped her alot. I was a good friend, I provided emotional support/financial support for her because her loser ex wasn't providing anything for her and her kids. She was struggling. So I took her and her kids out almost everyday and paid for her. Brought homemade food over for thanksgiving because she couldn't afford some food for thanksgiving. I also bought her hundred of dollars worth of makeup, food, and gifts. I spent so much money on his sister Diana because I truly cared about her, and she was so depressed and upset at her ex for not providing for her and her children. So, I would take her out so she can have time to herself and buy her clothes, and drinks if we went to a bar, and drove my car and used my gas. I wanted her to feel welcomed and cherished because everyone made her feel like crap her whole life. So, I catered to her to make her feel happy, and we seemed to have a good friendship.

 

Up until....his step sister Kathy kept going on and on about me, insulting my weight (I'm not even overweight) and looks. She has this jealousy or hatred for me. I got fed up, and text Diana and said really mean things about Kathy. I went to a really low point. I am ashamed of myself for even letting her get to me and going to such a low level. I was insulting her badly, and I feel bad about that because I let myself stoop to their level instead of rising above like I always did. Diana threatened me. The sister threatened me. Diana sent her the screenshots of what I saying about her step sister Kathy. She betrayed me, because yeah I was out of control and rude, but I was just venting, and I thought because Diana and I were close and good friends that she wouldn't want to cause drama by sending her step sister screenshots of what I was saying about her. She could've kept it between us. Kathy messaged me on Facebook, and she text my personal phone number threatening me, insulting me to the core, and being so mean. I was mad that Diana gave my number to Kathy because Kathy is a scary person, and I didn't want my personal number to someone who has hatred towards me. I am upset at Diana though because she's so two faced in my opinion. She always says how she hates drama, yet she she told her step sister and sent her the screenshots and gave her my personal phone number, so for someone who doesn't like drama she definitely continued and exacerbated the drama.

 

I am really hurt because she stuck up for her sister (which is normal), but she betrayed me in the process. She called me psychotic, and that her step sister is a good person, as if I am chopped liver. That makes me sick because I was there for her and did everything for her, and if she truly liked me and looked at me as a friend, she would've not told Kathy and just talked it out with me later if she was upset. It's taking a toll on my boyfriend. He said he's sick of the drama. He keeps going back and forth. He said he never had a girlfriend that his family hated. When I honestly didn't do anything for them to hate me. I think I intimidate them because I go to college, I am classy, I am mannerly, and I am a good hearted, fun, and bubbly person. I think they thought I was a snob or something, because I wear nice clothes and do my makeup nice. I am not a snob though and I am very generous and will help anyone in need. I have a lot of loyalty too. I am not a user. The minute Diana went back with her boyfriend she dropped me like a hot potato. Stopped texting, calling, and coming over my house. She is mad because I also said "You chose a lowlife guy over a good friend." She keeps saying she's going to beat me up for calling her boyfriend a lowlife when she called him way worse, and always expressed to me that she hated him and is only with him because she has children with him otherwise, she wouldn't be with him. She "hated" him that badly. I see it as her loyalty lies with whoever is providing for her.

 

Then on top of this. She's having her friends message me on facebook and threaten me! I said to my boyfriend "you need to intervene now! Because I am not dealing with this. I blocked your sisters on Facebook and on my phone. I don't need them to involve their friends. They keep continuing this when I just want this to be over. I then apologized to Diana because I just wanted the drama to stop, instead she just mouthed off to me and didn't care for my apology. My boyfriend is going back and forth, one minute he's saying they're pathetic and white trash, and are two faced about his sisters. Then he's saying I can't control my emotions. Which at that time I didn't. But I was sick of the sister making nasty comments on facebook to me and talking so badly about me when I only met her one time. My boyfriend is back and forth and that bothers me too. I don't know what to do because it is really taking a toll on my relationship. I told him he can see his family and I have no problem with that. I am not the controlling type, just because I have a problem with them doesn't mean he has to stay away from them either. However, I do feel sad that I feel like my boyfriend is conflicted, and saying I caused the drama. I am just upset because I genuinely cared about his family, and was trying to become part of the family and be a good girlfriend. They all seem to hate me. All of them except for my boyfriend have kids and bad baby mamas and daddys. All of them work dead end jobs and have no goals. So, I don't know if I really intimidated them? Is my relationship ruined now? I don't know what to do. I am really hurt.

[umirano]

Wow, that is a messy situation. I don't think there's much you can do other than going no contact with his family. Bloxk and delete any of his sister, mom, mom's bf, and all their friends and only carefully add new people.

 

Tell your bf to stand up for you and to recognize that you went into this relationship with the best intentions and with the shown record of wanting to form good relationships with his family.

 

If your bf isn't going to take your side it's high time to bail. A positive, contributing person should not be stuck in a social Stalingrad like this.

 

I don't think there's anything you can do to make them come around, they might, very far down the road, but it has to start with them. So what you need is a loyal, honest bf who stands by you, even against his family if they are as unreliable, rude and aggressive as you said.

 

Again I am sorry you're in this situation. I have been a witness to something similar, slightly less extreme, so I know how you probably feel.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

wow, that is a messy situation. I don't think there's much you can do other than going no contact with his family. Bloxk and delete any of his sister, mom, mom's bf, and all their friends and only carefully add new people.

 

Tell your bf to stand up for you and to recognize that you went into this relationship with the best intentions and with the shown record of wanting to form good relationships with his family.

 

If your bf isn't going to take your side it's high time to bail. A positive, contributing person should not be stuck in a social stalingrad like this.

 

I don't think there's anything you can do to make them come around, they might, very far down the road, but it has to start with them. So what you need is a loyal, honest bf who stands by you, even against his family if they are as unreliable, rude and aggressive as you said.

 

Again i am sorry you're in this situation. I have been a witness to something similar, slightly less extreme, so i know how you probably feel.

 

this. 100%.

[smackie9]

Enough is enough. There is NOTHING you or your BF can do to reverse this. We are only going by your side of the story so I can only give my advice based on what you have posted....if these people are that F'd up, if I were you I would just walk away from this relationship. IMO it's just a matter of time things will fall apart between you two. Family comes as a package deal, you would be spending holidays with them, bring your children around to see then, and be a part of family events....A family that treated me like that?? No way! I will find someone else that has a respectful decent family.

[CobraX]

I don't understand why they don't like you, but I've been through this before with my xwife.

 

I told my family that they didn't have to like her, but they had to be polite or I would not be in their lives anymore. It took two years but it worked. Too bad though because they were right and she was a cheating bitch... but hey you live and learn right?

[umirano]

I don't understand why they don't like you, but I've been through this before with my xwife.

 

I told my family that they didn't have to like her, but they had to be polite or I would not be in their lives anymore. It took two years but it worked. Too bad though because they were right and she was a cheating bitch... but hey you live and learn right?

 

Voilà.

 

[10 char]

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like his family sees you as not good enough for him. I've been in this situation before, when I was dating this free-spirited musician and his cutthroat banking business sister didn't seem to approve of me because I'm not rich like his family.

 

It's not a nice situation, but it can work, depending on how your boyfriend handles it.

 

My guy made it clear to his sister that he didn't care if she approved and she had no power over his romantic life. She was never "nice" to me, but she went from hostile to neutral after he laid down the law.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't protect you and his personal life from their meddling, there's really nothing you can do. And pressuring him won't help. A man is either independent and makes his own decisions, or not.

[Gr8fuln2020]

After my divorce to my recent wife, my family came out and told me that they didn't like her. I was like...what?! Really?! My family had the sense of leaving their feelings subdued b/c they saw that I was happy (at that time) and things seemed to be going well (during the very beginning of the relationship). My ex was always polite, cordial, but she did have a bit of a condescending streak (she was/is a successful professional). I think my family saw that whereas I was not as privy to that side of her or too dumb to see it for what it was.

 

Anyway, my family would have been and was friendly, welcoming despite their misgivings. In your case, if I stick to your side of the story, there is jealousy involved. Much worse, I think, is your bf's silence in all of this. In the end, if your bf doesn't take a stand, you should leave his cowardly butt. I know many people who've severed familial connections b/c their families proved to be too toxic. The 'blood is thicker than water' notion is garbage sometimes. I have family members I would never want to have a relationship with. Terrible human beings...

 

You need to have a talk with your bf. It sounds like you have your crap together. You have much to offer and their family would be the ones who lose out including your lackluster bf.

[Calmandfocused]

Yikes!

 

How awful for you and how awful for your boyfriend. No wonder it's causing strain on your relationship.

 

I think you should disappear from the family radar for a while at least. Theyre looking for any fodder they can at the moment to continue this hate campaign towards you. Even simple apologies from you will just give them more meat to chew on. Don't do that, leave them alone and let the dust settle.

 

I also wouldn't advise allowing your boyfriend to be your sounding board as he's in a very difficult position. You wouldn't want him to feel that he has to make a "choice". Just let him know that you understand it's difficult for him. Do you have family members or friends who can help support you through this?

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP. Stop helping your bf's family in any way. Stay out of their way and let your bf know that you do not want anything to do with them. It is entirely unfair for your cozy bf to play neutral while his gf is being attacked. Frankly, he does need to make a choice. But that choice is not between his family and you. To be realistic, his family may get upset, but they are not going to attack him or leave him high and dry. My impression is that he is not getting grief for dating you, right? Or not as much as you are? What does your bf say about this? In private, what does he say about all of this?

[basil67]

You've received a lot of good responses so far. One or two posters have mentioned that we're only seeing your side of the argument. So with this in mind, I am going to play devil's advocate. Let's see if we can find an answer to this.

 

The way you called his mother after the 'fat weirdo' comment was not diplomatic. It was actually very accusatory. Diplomatic would be to say "Something isn't right between us. Is there anything I can do to help the situation?" I realise you were upset - and justifiably so - but you certainly didn't help soothe the situation.

 

Now, there is NO excuse for her boyfriend calling you names. It was beyond rude. But I'm wondering what was happening prior to him saying this. People generally don't come out and say things like this to our faces if they aren't upset at something.

 

Just trying to get to the bottom of this.

[umirano]

Now, there is NO excuse for her boyfriend calling you names. It was beyond rude. But I'm wondering what was happening prior to him saying this. People generally don't come out and say things like this to our faces if they aren't upset at something.

 

Some people simply are primitive apes, have no manners, an unjustified sense of greatness, out of control insecurities or they're high on booze. I find it hard to believe that a 20something yo uni girl could say something to warrant such a crude remark from a trained military person with full mental capacity. I guess he'd be of the type of people who ran Abu Ghraib?

[Sublime90]

Thank you. I'm sorry, but my time is limited, so I can't reply to each comment. I am really appreciative of the responses. Thank you so much. I know a lot of you are asking my side of the story, and honestly I don't have a side to tell. My boyfriend and all of his siblings hate his mom's boyfriend Jared. Jared is a control freak and he is trying to alienate his mother from everyone. He is crazy, he's not normal. My boyfriend's mother chooses guys over her kids. My boyfriend doesn't have a close relationship with her at all. He flipped out on her when Jared insulted me. He wanted nothing to do with her. He's disgusted by his mom's actions and how childish she is. She let guys abuse her children. She's also a money hungry person who goes after men and uses them for money. She is a nasty woman. However, I still tried to build a relationship with her despite the horrible things and abuse the siblings endured because I was trying to make the family close again, and maybe in time I will get through to the mother, I thought. Honestly, I don't know what I did to these people. I am not an insulting person. Yes, me and my boyfriend got into our battles, but I never mentioned his family, but maybe he blackened my name to them when he was ticked off? My boyfriend warned me about his family. He told me to not be close to them. He said they are bad people, yet he seems to try to gain respect from his family. He was constantly showing me off by saying "She's in school studying to be an x-ray tech. She's so smart and beautiful. She's the greatest, you know she has a 4.0 GPA." "She's so responsible and caring. She really looks out for me." etc.

 

My boyfriend kept saying that to his family. I had to tell him to stop doing that because it's bragging and I don't want to be bragged about everytime I go there about how good I am in school and how smart I am. I am a modest person. I don't like to brag or talk about myself. It's nice and sweet, don't get me wrong, but I am just not the center of attention type, nor am I the type that likes to brag. I am just like "whatever" about things and I am all about knowing people and building relationships.

 

I will say it in these terms because I have no other words to describe how his family is, but they are trash. Sorry. I am middle class, I am no rich girl, but how I was raised and how I was taught to act at gatherings and family functions is completely the opposite. It's cringing actually. His family talks about how many people they beat up and all the lowlife things they did. They fight in front of each other and call each other horrible names. They don't offer you a plate, or make you feel comfortable at these events. They are not good hosts. His siblings all have babies except for my boyfriend and they all work dead end jobs. Their partners both girl and guy partners are terrible and abusive, they make no effort to better their lives. They live with their parents. The one sister lives with her step dad that the mother disowned, and the other sister lives with her boyfriend's parents. His brother lives with his mom. They all are ok with it too, when I am not in judge of living with parents. I do too, but I am going through school over full time so I can be out of my parents house, and not live a life where I am living with my parents. That's why I am going for x-ray tech, but they seem to not have any goals and are ok with living poorly. Which is fine.

 

But....I think they are honestly intimidated by me and think I am a threat because I always dress nice, do my makeup nice, my hair nice, and I look expensive, but really I'm not. I buy cheap clothes, I just like dressing up and looking professional. I think it's jealousy honestly, because I am in college, have a good personality, have my own car that's not a beater, but not brand new either. Jared (the mom's bf) said that comment because I think he was getting annoyed by my boyfriend saying "Hey smartie!" and bragged about my intelligence. Jared is clearly incompetent. Like I said, I told my bf to stop doing that.

 

My boyfriend just doesn't want involved. I asked him why he's so back and forth. He said he is really disappointed in his family and he's upset at their actions. He said "This is why I told you to not get close to them. My sisters are users, and my mother is an abusive bitch who chooses men over her blood children. She's a disgrace to me." He said he just is upset, but he's on my side, he just can't deal with the drama and is upset with his family. So, I guess that's why he's back and forth. He told his sisters to back off and quit their crap. He did stick up for me, but I just think he doesn't want involved and is saying dumb things because he's upset. That's all I can think of folks. I honestly don't know what else it could be. I bought them so many gifts and took them out to lunch and dinners. I tried to show them how genuine I am and how I want to be involved in their family. His step sister I only met once and she kept giving me death stares. She was not friendly, I even hugged her goodbye and she was very stiff like I was gross and I shouldn't have done that. It's all very strange. I just think they think I am uppity and have everything together, and they don't because they are struggling and have kids. I don't. That's all I know. Thanks again.

[HereNorThere]

Does your boyfriend vent about or share your relationship issues with them? If so, they probably only have heard his side of your issues and hold it against you.

 

The real issue is that you got too involved with these people. You should have shown up and said "yes, sir, no, sir. Thank you for inviting me." Personal relationships with in-laws aren't healthy. Then you had the nerve to get into the middle of their issues and bad mouth other family members and fight with them. People generally side with their blood no matter who is right or wrong.

 

Quit trying to win these people over. I've been in this situation before and didn't realize it. I was as nice as possible, respectful, you name it. They had no freak'n problem with me when I drove a U-haul for them for 17 hours and unpacked it in the rain at 3am, by myself because I was worried that leaving it on the street until the morning risked their possessions. Absolutely no issues when I paid the girl's bills when she was in between jobs, stay a weekend sleeping next to her while she was in the hospital, etc. Later I found out her Dad had an issue with my political and religious views which weren't even something I openly discussed with him.

 

You know these people can't be trusted, so keep them at arms length or they will destroy your relationship. You live and learn with these experiences.

[umirano]

It's obvious to me that they're afraid of you. Because you outshine them in pretty much any aspect of life. You don't do it consciously and it's not your fault, but there are worlds between you and your BF's family members. You're everything they know they should try to be and they hate to be reminded of that every time they see you or hear about you. Your BF's bragging, as well intended as it might have been, it killed any chance for you to get along with them. We can go on and on assessing your situation. That's not very interesting. What you need to know is in plain open sight.

 

What are you going to do? Where do you want to be in a year? Do you think you can have the relationship with your BF that you dream of, despite his dysfunctional family?

 

Personally I could handle such a family. It wouldn't upset me to the core knowing my GF's family is trash and we'd mutually ignore each other. I would have to know though that my GF is unconditionally on my side. Loyalty is very big. Some people cannot see it this way. If that's you, you need to walk away from this, and that means also from your BF. That's a really dark outlook, but I really urge you to think long and hard whether you can actually have a relationship that will not mainly consist of fending of his family's toxic manure swamping you every step of the way.

[preraph]

It's up to your man to control what his family does to you, and if he was standing up for you and being firm with them and not going along with them behind your back, this would not be happening. They mostly know what he has told them about you and if he's set no boundaries, well, now you know what his background is like. He should be all over them about this, not standing by acting like it's not his problem or whatever.

[basil67]

*You were trying to make the family close again*

 

Sublime, it is NOT your place to interfere in how his family works. I suspect you're also vastly overestimating any difference you could make. If his family is as dysfunctional as you say, you've made some very bad choices in not only trying to get close to them but in not minding your own business.

 

It's time to back right off. Avoid as many family gatherings as you can. And when you can't avoid, be polite but do not get involved. As a previous poster said "yes sir, no sir and thank you for inviting me to dinner"

[HereNorThere]

You've done just about everything wrong you could possibly do in this situation. Plus, I don't think you are as objective about yourself as you think. You seem to think you're respectful and then write a half page post about how his family is trash and you're better than them. Is there anyone you left uninsulted?

 

So you're better than them but you don't want them to feel like you think you're better than them so you buy them gifts they can't afford and lecture them about how to live their life. You should probably rethink this strategy.

 

Since the beginning of psychoanalysis, they've always correlated familial relationships with deep narcissistic wounds. The first thing any therapist inquires about is your relationship with your mother, father and the environment you grew up. These arguments between them aren't what you think they're about. That's why they can never truly be solved. You put out one fire, another one will start. You can't solve deep, childhood wounds like this nor is it your place to try. A million dollars worth of therapy wouldn't be enough to tame this bunch.

 

Congratulations, you actually did make the family closer again. Nothing unites a bunch of deplorables more than a common enemy.

Edited December 24, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Sublime90]

@HereNorThere please read my post in full. Reread the post. Everyone wanted to know my side and I told everyone that there is no side to tell. I was throwing things out there why they might have a problem with me because I am not on their level. I don't mean that in a judgmental way. I grew up in a very loving family, where even if we didn't like the person our family member was dating, we kept it to ourselves. We didn't want to cause drama, or stress in anybody's life. We weren't overly friendly or fake, but we were cordial and welcoming at family functions towards significant others even if we didn't like them. Whereas his family is very outspoken, and just flat out rude, and not good hosts at a party. They don't make one feel comfortable, and are not comforting loving people. I am not use to that because my family are huggy, and bubbly people. We like to promote happiness and positive vibes. We want people to feel comfortable, welcomed, and loved. Despite our differences.

 

I went to a low level with them and lost it. I did call them "trash" after the fact. After all the insults and hatred I've endured, I just couldn't handle it anymore when I have been nothing but kind to this family. Like I said, I never called them trash in the course of 3 years of enduring their insults about me, until recent. I never acted like I was better. I use to tell my boyfriend to stop because he was the one always bragging away about me. I said that boasting and bragging is not cool, and I am not that kind of person. They all are with abusive partners who two of the sisters rely on. They live with parents, and have no goals or ambition to better their children's lives. They carry themselves to be vicious, rude, and trashy people because of their antics. They think it's so cool and funny to beat people up and to always go to the level of threatening people. It's not. All I am saying is that I think they are intimidated by me because I come from a different type class. I come from a loving family, I don't have children, I am going to school to become an x-ray tech, I wear nice clothes, and wear nice makeup. I am trying to figure it out is all. I am better as in having more class because of how they treat me. It's unwarranted when I have been nothing but a friend and a kind person to the family.

 

I don't boast about myself. I merely was trying to figure it out and threw out options of why they could not like me. Thank you.

[Sublime90]

Greetings! I hope everyone had a very nice holiday filled with laughter and happiness. <3 The drama seems to be continuing. I told my boyfriend to go spend time with his family. He went by himself and apparently his step dad, and step brother were bashing me when I didn't mention them in my fight with his sister. It was strictly between me, Kathy, and Diana. I didn't mention anyone else in the family. My boyfriend is really stressed out because he said his step dad was bad mouthing me. His step brother was too. I lashed out at the sister, and I am ashamed of myself for stooping to their level, but I was enduring this for 3 years, and I was getting sick of it because their behavior towards me wasn't warranted. His step dad said he wants my boyfriend to live with him because he's "scared" of me, and thinks I am "psycho". My bf paid for his sister Kathy's meal, and his brother's. He said after he paid for her meal, she immediately started insulting him. She was calling him "pathetic" and a "loser". He left right away, and came back to my house all upset and angry. He has an attitude with me. It won't stop.

 

I told him that he needs to put his foot down, and tell them to stop their immature crap. I am not involved in their lives anymore, so I shouldn't be brought up. They should have enough respect and class to not bad mouth me to my boyfriend. It was a holiday and the brothers got into a physical altercation, and my bf got insulted by his step sister Kathy after paying for her meal. That makes me sick and shows how classless they really are. Shaking my head! I am so disgusted because I never disrespected his Step dad or any of them. I was always kind, and yeah I got into a fight that I am not proud of with two of the sisters, but it's between us. It had nothing to do with the step dad and step brother....or anyone! Just us. My boyfriend said he told his step dad he doesn't want to hear anything negative, and the step brother (who is on drugs) said "Yeah she thinks she's so educated because she goes to college. I posted a big post on Facebook about college students and how they sit on their ass after college and go nowhere. She's a loser." My bf said "What do you do Brandon? You stick needles in your arms." This is what I mean! Why can't they just leave me alone! I am not talking about them, and encouraged my bf to go spend time with them, and they are still talking about me. It's the two that weren't involved either. So, that does tell me they are intimidated by me because he mentioned how I am in college and how I am a loser, when I never boasted about that. My boyfriend did. That obviously bothers him because he's a drug addict, but I always tried to help him too, and he confided in me with a lot of things that were going on in his life. I listened to him, and then he turns around and insults me?

 

I don't know what to do! My holiday was miserable because my boyfriend was so upset and had an attitude with me. I told him that if he's going to allow his family to get in the way of our relationship then we need to break up. He said he's just sick of the drama, but it's spilling over into my life and I am not causing it. I told him he needs to be more stern and have an in depth talk to the whole family that it really bothers him that they talk about me in a negative way and he doesn't want to hear it anymore. He said he will, but I feel like he's losing hope in me. He's on my side, but he seems to be taking his anger out on me from what his family is doing to him. I told him I am not responsible for their actions and this is their issue that he needs to address with them. I am not involved, they are continuing the drama. I am losing hope in my bf too because I feel like he never wants to disappoint anyone, so he's not as stern as he needs to be. Even though he thinks his family is trash and bad, he seems to go back and forth, and not be really on my side. Even though he claims to be, but hes not treating me good right now. I am so upset and just hate that his family is causing so much stress in our lives. They need to just let it go and stop bad mouthing me to my bf. It's one thing if they do it among each other, but they shouldn't be bad mouthing me to my bf because he's in a relationship with me.

 

I am losing a lot of hope and it's causing so many problems. I am angry with my bf because I feel like he should be angry with them and be on my side 100% but he seems to be blaming me. I feel that. He never said he did blame me, but I feel he is and is not saying it because he's taking his frustration and anger out on me, when this anger and frustration needs to be directed towards the people who are doing this to him which is his family. I am so sickened by this! My family would never act this way, we would never cause so much stress in one's life like that.

[umirano]

You're investing way too much time and energy into these people. You've probably been raised to respect everyone and to see value in everyone. Well, not everyone deserves our respect, and the most valuable thing we have to offer, time. And you're giving them a lot of time by extracting the details of their Christmas dinner out of your boyfriend.

 

What matters is whether yor boyfriend stands by your side, unequivocally, when you employ total no contact with his family, or not. And if he isn't, it is time to leave this situation, including your boyfriend.

[Gaeta]

Someone should never have to pick between a mate and a family. His family is trash but they're his family. I think you should break up for your sake and for his sake. You need to find a better man minus the trailer park drama and he needs to not be caught between you and his family.

[OatsAndHall]

My ex brothers-in-law didn't care for me, at all. The three of us were very different people, in every imaginable way. We don't share the same political or religious views and they would always make light of it at family functions. I avoided these discussions like the plague because I wasn't about to have a fight at a holiday meal. They were close to her ex and kept in touch with him, even when he was creating all kinds of problems for everyone. I was polite and cordial with them but kept them at arm's length after just a few months. I would avoid family gatherings that I didn't deem "necessary" and didn't keep in contact with them. It was a point of contention within the marriage but I told her that she could either tell them to knock it off or leave it be.

[smackie9]

IMO the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.....I wouldn't want my future children to inherit or be a part of this sort of environment. Run away as fast as you can....it's only going to get worse.