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3 mothers....dealbreaker? [UPDATE I want to end it]


purrrfectlyflawed

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purrrfectlyflawed

I am a 44 year old divorced mother of 2 kids 12 and 8. Been divorced for 3.5 years. My lovelife has been a disaster for 3 years and I am sick of being single. I have a house, a good job, no drama with ex, make decent, told I am good looking. I am picky. Probably to a fault. Seems like most guys my age have a **** ton of baggage or don't take care of themselves. The few guys I meet where there is a massive interest on my part, don't want me for whatever reason. Overall I consider myself a pretty good catch and very few guys really interest me unless they are really attractive to me and have their **** together.

 

 

So I put an ad up on POF. most of the messages I just delete, no interest, but have been talking to a few guys and there seems to be an interest. Met one wed night. No interest on my end. Bad teeth and his teeth threw off his whole look-no wonder he didn't smile in any of his pics (red flag). Nice guy but I told him I am very sorry but there is no connection on my end but best of luck.

 

 

I met this guy last night after messaging and texting for a week. Physically he is soooo my type. If I would have seen him in a bar I would have been all over him like flies on horse****. He lives clear across town and agreed to drive to me because I had to be at a birthday party at 8 and we only had 2 hours since my kids didn't get picked up until 530. we met at a wine bar, which was about a 20 minute drive for me it wasn't in between us but it was closer to him than having him drive near my house. So we met, he looked great smelled great, exchanged hugs and for 2 hours had a nice chat. Had some drinks, some food, he paid the bill and asked if I wanted to see him again I said yes and it appeared to be mutual so we have another date planned fri night. He works nights so seeing each other is going to be a challenge.

 

 

so we talked about our kids. I knew he had 3 and knew they were from at least 2 women since 1 kid, the oldest who is 13 lives out of state. 2 are here locally-our daughters share the same name.

 

 

Was really hoping the 2 kids locally were from the same woman but nope. They have 3 mothers. That in itself would be a deal breaker 99% of the time but here I am meeting a guy and picking him apart already. I know I shouldn't read too much into it and I should just hang out with him and give him a chance but I wonder if he has all these huge financial commitments to these mothers if he is flat broke we are not going to be a match anyways. I am wanting to hang out with him and see what happens while my best friend is telling me to run. Same cycle with every guy I meet. I find something wrong with him, and it ends.

 

 

A part of me wants to date and see what happens. I don't have to make any huge commitments but I see nothing wrong in going out and taking it slow.

 

 

What do you think?

Edited by purrrfectlyflawed
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snip

A part of me wants to date and see what happens. I don't have to make any huge commitments but I see nothing wrong in going out and taking it slow.

 

 

What do you think?

 

I don't see anything wrong with that either.

 

Keep an open mind as you get to know him.

 

 

Take care.

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what's his child support load like?

Are the baby-mama's working or is he paying out the nose to support the children because they are working minimum wage and no college degree?

 

if he isn't experiencing financial hardship then what's it matter?

Not like he's going to get you pregnant right?

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purrrfectlyflawed

He wasn't married to any of them. Sigh. He was married once though briefly at 21 no kids from that. He made it clear his party womanizing days are over. He said 2 of the kids were planned. 1 was an oops I don't know which one but he said he loves all his kids and loves being a dad. His one son out of state just flew in today and will be staying with him for 3 weeks.

 

The kids are close enough n age 13 11 and 8. He did admit that many women find this a turn off. He was with the youngest ones Mom for 8 years.

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Perhaps he has matured from his days of playing the field and being non-commitment minded but really only his actions will show you where he is at, though. However, many people just need time and experiences to get their priorities and development in order. I'd say keep getting to know each other and be open minded but definitely observant.

 

Wish you luck!

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having 3 kids with 3 different mothers isn't a big deal, it's the amount of time he has to commit to each kid is going to cut into any time you will have.....as it gets intense, you are going to feel he just doesn't have the time for you.

 

IMO I would not date someone with this kind of baggage......but that's just me.

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purrrfectlyflawed

My concern is his financial commitment to these women. I am sure he pays child support and probably has at least 1 order, if not more. I feel like this is getting involved with my ex husband all over again. When we met he had 3 kids they were 9 12 and 14. He was paying alimony and CS and was flat broke at first but things quickly got better when alimony stopped, he got his degree, and started making more. I want a relationship where there is financial stability and not set me back.

 

 

I am probably thinking too much into this after only 1 date. We text back and forth all day and get along well.

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Let's look at other areas of his life.

 

Does he live on his own?

 

How's the job?

 

Check the County Circuit Clerk website and pull up the court records. You can usually find out if there is a parent child relationship on file.

 

It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. A lot of men have these situations under control after so long.

 

Only you know your comfort level of what is acceptable to deal with.

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purrrfectlyflawed

He does not live on his own because he works nights. I know ridiculous. I roll my eyes to this more than the 3 mothers. After 6 years at the job he has been unable to get a day shift. He said due to his schedule it makes sense right now to live with his parents.

 

 

He said with his second shift if he moved out if would have to just drop the kids off at his parents house or pick them in the middle of the night or hire a sitter and that doenst make financial sense. He did say he is going to push his boss for a day shift and if he get it he will be getting his own place. His parents house is not huge and there is not a lot of room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's look at other areas of his life.

 

Does he live on his own?

 

How's the job?

 

Check the County Circuit Clerk website and pull up the court records. You can usually find out if there is a parent child relationship on file.

 

It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. A lot of men have these situations under control after so long.

 

Only you know your comfort level of what is acceptable to deal with.

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Hmm yeah I'd be more annoyed about him living with his parents. I find that to be a huge turn off. If he can't get a day shift after 6 years I'd wonder why he hasn't sought out another opportunity. It seems he is content in his comfort bubble, doing whatever is most convenient for him.

I would start digging around to see goals he has in mind, if he plans on getting his own place, time frames on his night shift to become day shift, etc.

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purrrfectlyflawed

His parents are very elderly they are in their 80's. I know in Hispanic culture its common for families to live together but I have dated several Hispanics including my Ex Hub, and most people regardless of race or culture do not live at home as an adult. I do find this odd and I roll my eyes at it more than the 3 mothers. Apparently he moved back home when him and the mother of his youngest split.

 

 

Shift bids come out in Jan and he said he was going to talk to his boss about day shift. He wants on it. If he gets day shift he will be getting his own place in the summer. If not he is not sure what he is going to do he doesn't want to quit the job after 6 years but working nights right now while his kids are young make it tough for him to keep his kids overnight.

 

 

He also wants to get a second income and go into real estate.

 

 

Hmm yeah I'd be more annoyed about him living with his parents. I find that to be a huge turn off. If he can't get a day shift after 6 years I'd wonder why he hasn't sought out another opportunity. It seems he is content in his comfort bubble, doing whatever is most convenient for him.

I would start digging around to see goals he has in mind, if he plans on getting his own place, time frames on his night shift to become day shift, etc.

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FWIW I'm a single mom. I would want to know the details of the baby mama drama, arrangements, etc. to know if it's something I could deal with. For example if he's on civil terms with two of them but the third they are going to court constantly I would want to know that. Even if a guy is a good guy, that would be too much drama for me.

 

I also run away from men who pretend to be good fathers but in reality don't really do much parenting. Really look at the way he's treating these women and the kids as he will probably do the same to you at some point if it got there. I'm in a single mom's group and I see the exes all play the same patterns over and over again with new women.

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Oh c'mon, OP. I really wanted to be on this guy's side but there's only so many red flags I can ignore.

 

Here's what your post should have said -

 

"Do you think I should date a 40 something year old guy with 3 different baby's mommas and lives with his Mom?"

 

The rest of it was completely irrelevant. You may like this guy physically, but he's not responsible AT ALL. One kid, maybe even another kid, you can chalk up to bad luck. 3 kids by different moms? You know that all it takes to prevent a child is a 10 cent piece of latex, right? Sure, there's failures, but not 3. That's knowing the consequences and choosing to ignore them.

 

You wanna be baby momma number 4? You want to have to coordinate with 3 other baby mommas and your ex? Hope you have a big van and bunch of time on your hands. If you want to have fun with this guy, have fun. If you are looking for a responsible person, run as fast as you possibly can.

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First, I always cringe when I hear children referred to as baggage.

 

[]

 

Now, that he is willing to work second shift (it truly sucks) says something about his work ethic. Let's give him some credit here and cut the guy a little slack for not having his day shift yet. Gads.

 

He sounds to me that he is thinking of his kids and trying to be a good father. His explanation of living with his parents does make some sense since he isn't home in the evenings.

 

The three mothers is, for me, the most concerning but guys do grow up. But it is a red flag, definitely.

 

But OP, are you sure this guy is your type? You said you are tired of being single. Is he your best option so far, doesn't have bad teeth, and good looking so you are lowing your standards?

 

I'd like to see this guy be with a woman who won't roll her eyes at him behind his back.

 

[]

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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  • 1 month later...
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purrrfectlyflawed

I am 44, divorced with 2 kids and I realize me and this guy I have been dating since just before Christmas have no long term potential. I am seeing him tonight and I suspect he knows we probably are not long term compatible.. I am ok with a booty call now an then or even FWB but we have several dealerbreakers in place. I am so sick of being single and without a boyfriend but I have lowered my standards for this guy and I am better off holding out for a guy who I can see frequently and be best friend with.

 

 

Pros-He is good looking-my type physically and good in bed. Great kisser. nicely endowed, nice looking gentleman. Him and I get along great when we are together. For pros, this is it.

 

 

Cons..there are a couple doozies. He lives clear across town-an hour away. Works nights a terrible schedule he is now 4-midnight M-F so seeing him during the week is almost impossible. He has a weird schedule. Doesn't go to bed until like 3 am. Sleep in until 10 or 11. Goes to gym most days before work but apart from working, sleeping and keeping weird hours he doesn't seem to do much else. He can however come to my side of town and take me out to lunch once a week or so and find creative ways to see me but he doesn't. He has only does this once.

 

 

He has 3 baby mamas. Yep. 2 local, one out of state. Pays child support on 2. 1 kid the 8 yr old he has 50/50 of the other EOW she is 11. The boy is 14 and visits twice a year.

 

 

He lives with his parents! This one I kick myself for. He moved in with his parents 2 years ago him when him and his youngest kids mother broke up. He does work nights so he needs his parents help to watch his daughters but still I think this is weird. His parents are very elderly (80's) still this is not adulting. The house is small and no privacy either sorry despite his weird hours and old parents I don't think its normal a 44 year old lives with his parents. Seems like he skirts a lot of responsibilities doing this. He doesn't have to pay a mortgage or maintain a house by himself like I do.

 

He takes his 8 yr old daughter to rated R movies. He has this child alot, he also has an 11 yr old daughter he gets EOW. My kids are 8 and 12 and I do not let them see rated R stuff and even PG-13 is borderline.

He has a public Facebook I don't think he realizes all his posts are public but he checked in last night to the movies with his daughter they saw "John wick". He then checked in at a big bar. So he obviously took his daughter home, put her to bed and because his parents are there he went out. Here I am alone and he knew this and we hardly see each other. I understand I am an hour away and this bar was closer to his house but we are just too far to regularly see each other.

For being 44 he is not adulting. He doesn't have his own place and I doubt financially he is in a good spot. I don't even know how much he makes or if he has any retirement saved. We are 44 and not getting any younger.

 

 

I own a house that has equity in it, a nice car (that is almost paid off), I have a 401k, annuity, I own stock, I work normal hours. I am paying off my credit card when my taxes come back and by the end of the year I will have my car paid off so the only debt I have will be my house. I am involved in my kids lives in every aspect, extra curricular, homework, I'm taking them to Disneyland during spring break.

this guy seems to not have any set routine in his life since he has kids with 3 woman everything is chaotic. All him and his 8 yr old do is shop and see movies.

I have a set routine with my kids and have them with 1 man so my life is less chaotic and very structured. On kidless days I would like to do stuff together, maybe go out of town, work out together and its impossible with this guy and I realize it has to end.

 

 

Thanks for letting me vent/rant. I almost want to text him and tell him not to bother with tonight but it is V day in 2 days and I think that would make me more depressed than I already am.

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as a 44 year old he should be able to handle being let go of his VD duties 2 days before..

 

I think you need to break up now rather than later.. VD is a day for lovers.

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Versacehottie

Since you have realized you're not compatible and one of the main reasons is his lack of being an adult, make sure you do the right adult thing yourself, i.e. don't hold on just because of a holiday and the "trauma" of not having a bf on valentine's. I am the only one who sees the irony in this?

 

In addition, it's kinda false to hang on to spend Valentines with someone who you don't even see in that light.

 

It's one day you will survive it. I'm thinking you love your kids, why not do something special for them

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purrrfectlyflawed

My kids are with their Dad today but I have them tomorrow so I'm going to go shopping and pick up some cute things for them. They are with with him Tue night too but I texted him asking if he wants to me to take them since he has a long term GF and he may want to take her out. And since I wont be seeing my guy at all Tue or probably again after tonight I would like to have them but he has them Tue nights usually.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since you have realized you're not compatible and one of the main reasons is his lack of being an adult, make sure you do the right adult thing yourself, i.e. don't hold on just because of a holiday and the "trauma" of not having a bf on valentine's. I am the only one who sees the irony in this?

 

In addition, it's kinda false to hang on to spend Valentines with someone who you don't even see in that light.

 

It's one day you will survive it. I'm thinking you love your kids, why not do something special for them

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You sound like you're successful from what you've said and he sounds like a loser. Your time is precious so why would you want a loser in your life just because you don't want to be alone on valentines day which is so overrated anyway?

 

He'll most likely drag himself round to your place, have se x and then bugger off without even giving you a card. You'll feel a whole lot worse. Don't do this to yourself. Trust me, being on your own is far better than being with a loser who lives with his parents and has multiple baby mothers.

 

You say you have children, well how about spend V day with them. Take them to the cinema and then out for a bite to eat. Then come home and chill out knowing that you DO have love in your life...and there's 2 good reasons. Some people don't have anyone. You seem like a mature woman so I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

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Versacehottie
My kids are with their Dad today but I have them tomorrow so I'm going to go shopping and pick up some cute things for them. They are with with him Tue night too but I texted him asking if he wants to me to take them since he has a long term GF and he may want to take her out. And since I wont be seeing my guy at all Tue or probably again after tonight I would like to have them but he has them Tue nights usually.

 

Ok, well you may or may not have your kids on Tuesday. Trust me, you will survive a day either way. Do beauty treatments or something. Read a book, magazine or watch a movie at home. It won't be the end of the world. Good luck

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Well, I hate it when people have kids they can't afford, and that's what he did, but how he's paying for that by living with his parents. He's probably absolutely desperate to meet a woman he can move in with and will babysit his kids. But I mean you can see how he got himself in this mess. I mean, at least he's working and seeing the kids have some support. I agree about the R movies, but my best friend does it. She justifies it because she used to work in movies and says she explains it's all fake, which to me, would just ruin the movie, but it's her call.

 

Anyway, in the end, his situation isn't going to enhance your situation, so you're right not to try to take it long term. Also, I assume you are whip smart and using birth control so you don't end up one of his baby mamas.

 

Sex is easy to find. Probably to get rid of him so you can at least look for the right guy, you will have to totally run him off and do without for awhile. Concentrate your search places where you might find a real responsible man.

 

Just tell him it's not going anywhere and you wish him well but you need to get away to find the right guy and you can't do that with him hanging around. Good luck.

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purrrfectlyflawed

Thanks for the thoughtful response. My kids are with their dad tonight so tonight is out with them. He is also helping my son with a science project due Tue so I am not seeing them tonight. I do have them tomorrow. he has them Tue night and I would love to have them Tue night so I sent him a text asking him if we can switch nights.

 

 

Thanks I know this guy is a loser. Some people think its normal and ok for a guy in his 40's to live with his parents. I don't think it is I live in AZ and the cost of living out here is not high. a nice 2 bedroom apt is $800. In his culture (Hispanic his parents are from Ecuador and they are in their 80's he was a late in life baby) its more accepted. I realize he works night and needs his parents help with the kids for him to work still I think it makes more sense for him to live close by and still have his own place for privacy and independent reasons.

 

 

I hate V day. I call it D day. I hate the fact its so commercialized and being single makes me feel worse. Ugh. I will get over it though I always do.

 

 

 

 

You sound like you're successful from what you've said and he sounds like a loser. Your time is precious so why would you want a loser in your life just because you don't want to be alone on valentines day which is so overrated anyway?

 

He'll most likely drag himself round to your place, have se x and then bugger off without even giving you a card. You'll feel a whole lot worse. Don't do this to yourself. Trust me, being on your own is far better than being with a loser who lives with his parents and has multiple baby mothers.

 

You say you have children, well how about spend V day with them. Take them to the cinema and then out for a bite to eat. Then come home and chill out knowing that you DO have love in your life...and there's 2 good reasons. Some people don't have anyone. You seem like a mature woman so I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

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I always do something fun for myself on Valentine's Day when I'm single. Something that I view as celebrating my being a bachelor. Last year, I grabbed a pizza that Saturday night (I rarely eat pizza but I love it), some ice cream (another thing I don't eat very often), spent a little money on a stupid freemium game I play on my tablet, and watched old horror flicks that no gf I have EVER had sit through with me.

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