My BF constantly lies to me !!! :(

[snuggles]

[color=violet]ive caught my bf lyin to me on so many occasions. Each time i get a gut feeling and wen i investigate or "snoop" i find out that i was right all along! and wen i approach him he always lies to cover up wot he's done and makes up stories or excuses that jst dont match up with the facts. Then he'll go off at me sayin "if u dont trust me then lets jst break up !!!" like wot a hypocrite! How can he expect me to trust him (i used to b4 i found out that he'd b lyin and doin things bhind my bak) wen he aint trustworthy himself.

 

And then wen he says it wont happen again i kno he's lying again cos ive found proof of that too. I love him so much and in every other way he's the best bf ive had.. in fact id want to marry him... however i jst cant stand the thought of being with sum1 that can lie to my face and that does things bhind my bak. We had a big fight bout it.. but he jst turns the situation around and finds ways to b mad at me wen he's the one that started it. Like wot am i meant to do? jst ignore the fact he's doin wot he's doin n jst put up wit it? (he's not cheating...but he's doin things i told him i dont like, bhind my bak).

 

Everytime i try to discuss things with him he jst gets angry and irrational and dodges Q's i ask etc. Its really bothering me. He always threatens to break up with me if i ever bring up a certain topic again or says he'll deliberately treat me bad in order for me to break up with him. Wen we're not fighting things are all lovey dovey and normal... but i jst hate knowing wot he's done. He's broken my trust and doesnt seem to care bout re-storing that or makin an effort in provin to me that he's changed. Cos thats wot i need to c. Proof. Otherwise the thought that he's doin the same things but covering up his tracks better than b4, lingers on the bak of my mind and hurts my heart to think bout it. He always swears at me and yells and says bad stuff... but after the fight he then says how much he loves me and how he still wants me to be his wife etc. Wot should i do? Im so confused. We've been together 8mths and i feel like ive only jst seen this side to him...

[laRubiaBonita]

And you are still with him because.......... ?

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita

And you are still with him because.......... ?

 

yeah......................?

[snuggles]

i know by wot ive sed he must seem to be a total ***** but its hard to explain. We love each other so much... and he treats me like a queen.. but wen we have a fight he gets all defensive and even tho he knows he's wrong... he'll try to make the attention less on him and make it out to be my fault or he'll jst make more excuses.. i guess it'l b easier to understand if i jst explain wot its bout.. well i caught him with porn after he promised me he didnt have or look at it anymore "i dont need it cos i got u"... but i found disks he's been hiding and found one in his dvd player... he then tried to lie bout how a mate had come over and left it there (the mate hadnt been there at all) and he lied bout the amount he had.. after the fight i thought he wouldve gotten rid of it all.. and he said he didnt av anymore... however i found out he was lying again... He'd originally hidden the stash of porn in this brief case.. which i managed to pick the lock and find the contents... He accused me of snooping in his private things (even after he'd gone on to previously say in the past "check my whole place! i dont care! cos i got nuffin to hide) and not trusting him etc.. Well the brief is now out of the house n in his car... ive tried to confront him with my concerns, but he wont show me the brief and prove that he's gotten rid of it all. He said he gave two disks bak (wen i kno there was like 10 in the brief) and claims if i find any around that e wouldnt know bout it and that they'd belong to his mates... Instead of goin out of his way to prove to me that he's tellin the truth he jst gets mad and defensive and refuses to ansa my Q's or discuss it. So that jst shows me that he hasnt gotten rid of any of it. I know porn is around and lotsa ppl out ther luv it.. but he knew how i felt bout it wen we first went out.. and the fact is.. that e lied, did things bhind my bak, and broke my trust.

[laRubiaBonita]

Treats you like a Queen?

if i were the Queen, and i got lied to there would be a beheading!

[snuggles]

lol! thats wot i seriously felt like doing...

 

he always cares for me, looks after me, cooks, buys me stuff, takes me out, makes sure im ok etc etc... he's like perfect in every way but for this porn thing that i caught him out with after he says "yeh i admit ive watched it in past but im over that now" I jst couldnt believe that he could look me in the eye and lie to cover his butt! It really upset me... he said the reason he didnt tell me was cos he knew itd hurt me (after he admitted he'd borrowed the one in the dvd playa off a mate). And i told him "yeh well u doin this bhind my bak has ended up hurtin me more" - he didnt av much to say for himself.

[snuggles]

sum1 in other post said 'until he wants to change for himself, nothing will really change. It will only continue in varying levels of secrecy and deception, as you've already seen' and i guess that is true. But wot am i spose to do in he mean time? jst ignore the signs i see and jst forget it not bringin up the subject of porn and him lyin n stil watchin it for a long time? i mean.. i guess if he's jst testin me to c if im gona stop naggin and checkin up on him then it'l work.. but Wot if he jst wont change? Thats wot im worried bout. Id like to jst forget bout it, but i always think bout wot he's doin wen that mate of his comes over, and what he does wen im not around him etc.

[prisoner]

you feel betrayed because he won't share with you? and then he lies to you? and then he obviously trusts someone more than he trusts you? and then he liesto cover up both the lying and the fact that he betrayed you?

 

like Mamet asks, would you keep a dog that treated you just as badly?

 

the reason why you haven't done what you will do (your relationship is doomed) is because you cannot smell the smell yet. when the smell becomes too much then you will clean up the mess kick the dofg out and move on pet free.

 

and one more thing: before you pick someone's lock realise that having to in the first place is the sign that you cannot trust them and that is the thing. find someone you can trust.

 

break up with him. you will start trusting yourself. and that is the coca cola (the real thing).

[snuggles]

thank u so much for your advice. You'r right in what you're saying. I guess the reason i havent broken up with him is that i do believe people can change. Obviously its up to him to change himself. I mean... if it wasnt for his other great points, he'd b a goner by now. Its such a shame that ppl can have such great points... but fail in one or two, which pull them right down, in ppl's eyes.

[snuggles]

oh and another thing... at the start of our r/ship he was always prity open bout his past r/ships... i knew from the start that he was friends with this girl and he had her number and she still contacted him etc and ive seen photos of her (she's like a model)- i Q'd him and asked if they'd ever had anything or if he ever liked her etc... He assured me that they were never anything and he never wouldve become anything more with her anyway cos he didnt like this or that in her personality etc. SO i left it at that and didnt worry bout it. After a few mths tho i found out that she still didnt know about our r/ship. He claimed that he never had credit to reply and that he doesnt reply to her msgs anyhow (n thats true as far as i kno).. and i got pissed off at the fact that she kept texting him and i demanded that he break contact with her and delete her number and txt her sayin that he's changed his number to ... whatever.... so she wouldnt av his current number - cos thats wot i did for him to my guy mates wen he got pissed off that they were contacting me etc. I did it to make him happy and i can honestly say ive never contacted them or heard from them..

 

Anyways.. he got all protective and stated "she's a good girl, she only contacts me once in a blue moon and i was friends wit her b4 i met u..." (i replied sayin "yeh and i was friends wit my guy mates long b4 i met u") I gave up on the fight and jst acepted the fact that he has a right to be her friend and keep her as a friend. Then a few mths later i discovered a love letter that he'd written to her b4 we went out and after he'd jst broken up with his ex (who i knew all about). It was very specific and personalised - it mentioned his ex and how he felt on special occasions he and this "friend" spent together etc... and basically the same sweet words and lines he'd written me in a letter b4 i went out with him. It really upset me. And wen he found out that id read it and i confronted him with lotsa Q's he got angry saying "U av no right to dig up my past"... he claimed that he wrote the letter as a template for his mate to use on a girl he liked and he only wrote this "friends" name in the letter cos its wot popped in his head (WOT A LIE! - sif u'd write sumfin so personalised for a mate to use as a love letter template) .. and then after we fought a bit, a day later he claimed "if u dont believe anything else i say.. jst know this.. i never gave that letter to her... i dont believe him. I think that he didnt tell me bout it cos id av a good reason for him getting rid of her number and thats y he still aint admitting that he had anything wit her. I really hate it wen he lies to me. I know wen he does cos he jst gets all defensive and wot he says sounds suss and dont makes sence with the facts.

[GirlDown]

okay, so once again, why are you with him?

 

he lies to you because you let him get away with and act like you believe his crap stories. why should he stop lying when he obviously has it so easy with you?

 

put a stop to it now, it won't end on it's own and it will only get worse.

 

good luck.

[bubblygrl5]

What is he lying about? Porn?

 

 

Bubbly

[snuggles]

read the previous postings i did.. so you'l get the full story... basically he lies bout porn, lies bout having it, lies bout how he got it, lies bout how e says he wont do it again, lies bout one past r/ship with a girl who he claimed to be jst friends with in the beginning etc etc... Ive found proof on every occasion (wen i had a gut feeling and investigated) that he's lied bout certain things and yet he still denies it.

[faux]

At least you are not like one girl I know; her boyfriend lies to her and everyone else all of the time, and she does not seem to even notice. The people who know this couple are confused as to why the guy lies about so many ridiculous things, and how the girl actually believes any word of it.

 

You know that he is lying, and you know that lying is bad. Relationships are built on trust. Why are you still with this guy? If he loved you as you say he does, then he would not lie to you, even about stupid little things.

 

Do not be like that girl I know; her boyfriend was telling people that he made a black hole in his bedroom. She believes him. The guy is in his twenties. Very sad.

[snuggles]

EEk. that is very sad! Some girls are jst so gullable and they accept anything... im definitely like that. I believe in treating people how you wana be treated. For example, I would not say to my boy at the start of the r/ship "i hate clubbing and i'll never go cos i know you wouldnt want me going"... but then bhind his back go clubbing wen i not wit him. Jst say at first he trusts me... but he then gets suspicious and follows me and catches me out. He'd b obviously pissed at me for lying and doin things bhind his back... but would i have much stance to then get mad at him for checking up on me? Id be in the wrong and i couldnt hold the fact that he was snooping and not trusting me against him - could i?? well thats basically wot he's done to me. But in the case of porn. i often wonder if he genuinely feels guilty... if he knows he's wrong.. and wont admit it... (like after our fight he said to me yeh i kno i was wrong but u shouldnt av looked at my private property. Porn aint even mine. I dont watch it or have it - such a lie cos i found sum more and i stil think he's got sum in his brief case which he refused to show me) .. mayb he jst loves watchin it so much that he doesnt feel he should give it up jst to make me happy. But then again if he genuinely loved me he'd give up anything to keep the girl you love and anything to build the trust up in the r/ship. I mean.. who wouldnt?

[snuggles]

oh and another thing... he always holds the fact that i am 18 (and he is like in his mid 20s) against me.. saying how immature im being... hmmm.... what,... does he really expect me to jst accept wot he's doing? Is it wrong for me to want a bf who has all his good qualities... but also respects me, is trustworthy, doesnt lie to me or hide things etc. I mean... they are the fundamental aspects that build and hold together a strong r/ship.... and we both agreed to them at the begining and throughout our r/ship after other fights. Maybe he jst wants space. I mean... i love being with him and i can be a bit clingy at times, but he jst takes it as that i want to "check up on him"... wen really all i wana do is cherish every second with him cos we live like an hour apart and dont get to see each other every day.

[Gemini02]

ummm not to be rude or anything, but he's stupid.

 

and you're just as stupid for staying with him

[snuggles]

its so easy for ppl to say "jst break up"... but it hard when you're in the situation and you've become very attatched to the guy who in his good points makes him the best bf ive ever had, but in his bad points... well thats another story... he's the worst... i guess i really want him to change and am stickin around to c if this happens... if not... then i guess its jst not meant to be.

[snuggles]

This is what love means to me:

 

1 COR 13: 4-7

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices when the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.....Love will last forever."

 

and i can truly say i love my bf. He has done me wrong. All i can do is pray that he'll change himself.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by *snuggles*

All i can do is pray that he'll change himself.

 

Pray that you can change too. Your insecurity, jealousy, and clinginess - not to mention your disregard for privacy, are just as negative in your relationship as his lying is. He could change, but if you stay the same way you are - nothing outside of having him chained to a chair in your plain view 24/7 with a 'infidelity/porn probe' inserted into his brain to detect straying thoughts is going to make you feel any more secure. I expect even under those circumstances, you'd find yourself insecure: because you'd know he was only being faithful because you physically left him no other choice.

 

You will need to make some changes to yourself if you want this relationship to work. He needs to make some changes too. If you don't both make changes, this relationship is doomed to failure - it will be as fun, spontaneous, and fulfilling as a good bout with a terminal illness. Your problems and his will continue to aggravate the other's - the more clingy you get, the more he's going to lie. The more he lies, the more insecure you are. What to do?

 

If you change and become more secure, how can you be assured that he is trustworthy?

If he changes and stops lying, how can he be assured that you will stop being clingy and jealous?

 

Break the cycle yourself, instead of praying for him to do it. Someone's got to do it. I know there is little motivation to do so in this vicious cycle, but for a relationship to work - it has to work for BOTH partners. In order for that to happen in this relationship, you BOTH have some serious changes to make.

[FolderWife]

pft. He'll never change, so dump his sorry ass.

[prisoner]

men never change.

 

and if you really believe what Paul wrote to the Corinthians you should consider that all of those things apply ythe other direction, too. in other words, if it was love why would you have to change him?

 

why would there be such a struggle? why would you feel the way you do? have so many questions? he has to live by the rules too and deliver what you believe love to be.

 

walk away

[snuggles]

hmmm... i av to say i agree with points made by all of ya. Ok... so i'll try to "break the cycle" and change myself. I think it'll work. Cos my guy is the type to point the finga and basically treat me bad to piss me off cos he feel like im treatin him bad. Even tho its so obvious that he's done worse to me - im jst gonna back off, not even bring up the topic of porn, not even try to investigate him etc. I'll jst pretend like nuffin happened and move on. I'l do this for how long?? a mth?? and if he still hasnt changed?... well i'll guess that'l b the ansa for me

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by *snuggles*

read the previous postings i did.. so you'l get the full story... basically he lies bout porn, lies bout having it, lies bout how he got it, lies bout how e says he wont do it again, lies bout one past r/ship with a girl who he claimed to be jst friends with in the beginning etc etc... Ive found proof on every occasion (wen i had a gut feeling and investigated) that he's lied bout certain things and yet he still denies it.

 

so he lies about everything, but you KNOW he's not cheating.

 

this is a lost cause i'm not bothering with anymore.

 

good luck, but you won't have it if you stay with him, and if you knowingly stay with him, it's your problem and you lose the right to complain.

[snuggles]

ok ok... i dont "KNOW" only God "KNOWS EVERYTHING"... i can say that i trust he wouldnt do that to me, but if i found out that he was - itd definitely be over. I'd be hurting like hell... but i couldnt be with sum1 who turns around and F**Ks sum1 else.