Continue to date her or go NC

[Dashottcalla]

It's been about a month since me and my ex girlfriend have been broken up. She wanted out for good reason, I was nit picking unimportant issues regularly instead of just enjoying our time together.. She also stated that she felt like I wasn't the strong man that she needed.. I made the usual mistake of continuously trying to convince her to come back but all attempts failed and has got to the point where if I text her talking about anything relationship related she will just not respond at all.. I tried NC for a few days (4 at best) but have been the person to break it each time.. When I text her it seems as if I'm doing all the work in the conversation as her answers are short and she doesn't ask me questions in return.. I know I have no control but my worry is that if I just all together stop contacting her she will be okay with that and we'll soon be strangers.

 

She is receptive to going out when she's free or me doing things for her. Since we've broken up I have given her several gifts (apple watch, Canon camera, headphones, two sets of flowers, perfume, makeup, chocolate, wine) all gifts that she loved but of course, as expected, didn't change anything (most of those gifts were considered early bday gifts since we weren't talking and I wasn't sure if I would see her on her bday).. Yesterday I took her out to breakfast for her birthday, afterwards we went shopping at Victoria Secret and sephora and later got massages together.. After I dropped her home I called and asked about reconciling once more and told her that I feel like I'm in a much better place, she said she feels like my vibe is still the same as when we broke up and she believes that I still need to just focus on myself, she also says that she's a bit impatient and wanted me to have "IT" all together.. I agreed with her and we went about our days.

 

I do truly believe that I'm in a much better place.. But I know that personal growth never stops so I can benefit from additional growth..

 

My question is would it be best to continue going out with her periodically since she's currently open to it while continuing to demonstrate to her through our dates that I am growing without pressuring her to reconcile or would NC be best in this situation? Thanks in advance

Edited December 10, 2016 by Dashottcalla

[Dashottcalla]

? bump.....

[umirano]

You're taking your ex out on dates?? How much can you really have "grown" in a few days of NC?

 

Either you really believe that you need to change as a person - and that will take a lot more time than a few days of NC sprinkled over a month - or you don't truly believe it and thus also won't really have changed.

 

Whichever is the case here, you have no reason to be in contact with your ex. She doesn't want you. Why she comes on these ridiculous dates with you and accepts your gifts I can't explain. But she's doing both of you a disservice. And you yourself with inviting her on these dates and giving her these gifts.

[LargoLagg]

Cut her off, sugar daddy. You're not going to win her heart acting like this.

[Dashottcalla]

You're taking your ex out on dates?? How much can you really have "grown" in a few days of NC?

 

Either you really believe that you need to change as a person - and that will take a lot more time than a few days of NC sprinkled over a month - or you don't truly believe it and thus also won't really have changed.

 

Whichever is the case here, you have no reason to be in contact with your ex. She doesn't want you. Why she comes on these ridiculous dates with you and accepts your gifts I can't explain. But she's doing both of you a disservice. And you yourself with inviting her on these dates and giving her these gifts.

 

I feel you.. I'm not under the belief that growth can only happen under NC.. I believe that growth happens when you are able to get out of an emotional state and have a true introspection.. I've been out of my emotional state going on 3 weeks now.. I'm not under the belief that I need to change, I accept who I am and understand why i was displaying toxic behavior and addressed and learned from it..

 

You're right though.. While we were together I would have no problem getting her gifts periodically or helping her out period.. It was an attempt to show her the positives in me to make it easier for her to want to reconcile.. But I suppose you're right, NC is needed since she's not showing interest nor initiative

[umirano]

You're right though.. While we were together I would have no problem getting her gifts periodically or helping her out period.. It was an attempt to show her the positives in me to make it easier for her to want to reconcile.. But I suppose you're right, NC is needed since she's not showing interest nor initiative

 

Yeah, but you must see that it's a pretty obvious attempt at buying her love, no? Do you believe that's attractive? Or could it be seen as you trying to cover that you really haven't changed that much, but when you dump enough gifts over it she won't see?

 

What do you believe she wants? What specific character traits of yours drove her away in the first place? Can you truly say they are no longer a part of yours?

 

And don't get me wrong. I am convinced that sometimes other people want you to change, but that change will actually make you a worse person. I am not advocating changing for other people unconditionally.

 

You should consider whether you actually should change for her. Maybe she should change or you two really should not be together.

[Dashottcalla]

Yeah, but you must see that it's a pretty obvious attempt at buying her love, no? Do you believe that's attractive? Or could it be seen as you trying to cover that you really haven't changed that much, but when you dump enough gifts over it she won't see?

 

What do you believe she wants? What specific character traits of yours drove her away in the first place? Can you truly say they are no longer a part of yours?

 

And don't get me wrong. I am convinced that sometimes other people want you to change, but that change will actually make you a worse person. I am not advocating changing for other people unconditionally.

 

You should consider whether you actually should change for her. Maybe she should change or you two really should not be together.

 

I agree with you, the whole thing stinks of me trying to buy her back into my life as a girlfriend.. Honestly I've been in a somewhat, emphasis on somewhat, similar situation with another female where she was chasing me and trying to buy me gifts, I did look at it as pathetic but did not accept any gifts from her because leading her on was the last thing I wanted, I just wanted her out my life..

 

I can truly say that I'm more aligned with the true me, the true me is relaxed, doesn't worry or show worry, I'm always more cool calm and collected than everyone around me.. While I was with her I veered off and became more emotional, more of a stickler and made issues of nonissues.. I look at it now and see how unattractive and how much of a headache I was being.. I displayed quite a few traits that showed weakness.. I gave her more of a worried vibe instead of a relaxed one.. Looking back at everything, I understand why I acted this way and why I don't need to act that way..

 

I know she wants peace, she's really big on that.. She just wants to enjoy the time spent without pressure for the relationship to move one direction or the other.. I can clearly offer her that with no problem but idk if she believes that at the moment

 

I would never change for another person, I view that as suicide.. But the things I got comfortable doing were toxic and wasn't me.. I kick myself because I allowed myself to habitually get outside of my character.. I could easily let her go if I believed that she wasn't good for me but she was very good for me.. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that she was perfect or an angel, she had her relationship flaws, but they were all tolerable.. I just don't want her to move on yet and feel like I tried it all.. But it's out my hands

Edited December 10, 2016 by Dashottcalla

[smackie9]

The only way for you to grow and change is to go no contact and move on. Your relationship has run it's course.....it's over.

[umirano]

I get it. I usually also would want to have acted cooler than I actually have.

 

I don't know. Can you be around her and just spend time in a non-committal non-pressuring way like you say she wants? I couldn't. If you can - great. But something tells me it's not that easy, right?

[Gaeta]

Doing introspection and changing takes months and years, not 3 weeks.

 

She wants a strong man so show her strong and just disappear from her radar. A strong man doesn't chase down an ex and doesn't try to buy her out.

 

If she doesn't reconnect with you than find yourself someone that does want to be with you. This isn't the only girl for you to date.

[BaileyB]

She doesn't want to date you, but you continue to spend time with her and buy her really nice, really expensive gifts. She has you right where she wants you... I'm not sure what kind of person could break it off and then accept all those gifts, with no plans to reconcile. You need to let this go...

[springy]

First and foremost stop spending money on her!! Yes, that means not even for Christmas.

 

No real change has taken place in less than a month. Work on you, go no contact and stay no contact. Continuing to break nc has not changed anything but the amount of money in your bank account...and shame on her for accepting gifts from someone she knows is desperate to have her back. She will gladly continue to let you spend money on her, but is not interested in getting back together.

 

Go NC, work on whatever your character issues are for YOURSELF. No amount of dates, money, breaking nc, begging, etc., will cause her to come back to you. This relationship may very well have run its course and you have to be prepared to accept that. Again...please...stop spending money on this woman.

[dcamnc]

Get rid of her, she's not into you any more. Move on.

[Dashottcalla]

I get it. I usually also would want to have acted cooler than I actually have.

 

I don't know. Can you be around her and just spend time in a non-committal non-pressuring way like you say she wants? I couldn't. If you can - great. But something tells me it's not that easy, right?

 

That's the thing, I know that I can just be around her without pressing for anything.. I wouldn't even want to press because if she does eventually decide to want to reconcile it would have to be her decision fully.. The first two weeks being around her was the hardest thing ever because I had the nagging desire to want and get that closeness back.. I'm at a point now where I feel like us reconciling would be very good for both of us but if it doesn't happen I'm fine either way.. I wouldn't feel crushed if it didn't happen.. I know I'm back to my base and I would like for her to see it without any pressure.. But the thing is like I said earlier I don't feel as if she believes that at the moment and I think that causes her to not want to be the one who initiates any sort or communication, which I do understand puts her in a position of power.. I do want to continue to do things with her (minus the gifts). But I do want to balance things out a little bit..

 

I know NC can go two ways either it will cause her to want to get closer or it'll solidify her decision to separate.. I also know there can be drawbacks of us continuing to "date" as well, like she won't get an opportunity to miss me which could possibly be what she needs.. I'm just trying to make the best move with the cards I dealt myself..

[Dashottcalla]

The only way for you to grow and change is to go no contact and move on. Your relationship has run it's course.....it's over.

 

A part of me does feel that

[Dashottcalla]

Doing introspection and changing takes months and years, not 3 weeks.

 

She wants a strong man so show her strong and just disappear from her radar. A strong man doesn't chase down an ex and doesn't try to buy her out.

 

If she doesn't reconnect with you than find yourself someone that does want to be with you. This isn't the only girl for you to date.

 

I understand it can take years.. The thing is I changed who I naturally was when I was in the relationship.. I became more emotional, nagged, even insecure.. That's not me and I hate that I displayed that..

 

I understand that I can't buy her out and I wasn't expecting my gifts to change her mind.. But definitely I will not continue with the gifts as I do see how it can be viewed as weakness on my part or trying to overcompensate for a lack elsewhere.. But yea, maybe NC is what I need to do

[introverted1]

It's been about a month since me and my ex girlfriend have been broken up. She wanted out for good reason, I was nit picking unimportant issues regularly instead of just enjoying our time together.. She also stated that she felt like I wasn't the strong man that she needed.. I made the usual mistake of continuously trying to convince her to come back but all attempts failed and has got to the point where if I text her talking about anything relationship related she will just not respond at all.. I tried NC for a few days (4 at best) but have been the person to break it each time.. When I text her it seems as if I'm doing all the work in the conversation as her answers are short and she doesn't ask me questions in return.. I know I have no control but my worry is that if I just all together stop contacting her she will be okay with that and we'll soon be strangers.

 

She is receptive to going out when she's free or me doing things for her. Since we've broken up I have given her several gifts (apple watch, Canon camera, headphones, two sets of flowers, perfume, makeup, chocolate, wine) all gifts that she loved but of course, as expected, didn't change anything (most of those gifts were considered early bday gifts since we weren't talking and I wasn't sure if I would see her on her bday).. Yesterday I took her out to breakfast for her birthday, afterwards we went shopping at Victoria Secret and sephora and later got massages together.. After I dropped her home I called and asked about reconciling once more and told her that I feel like I'm in a much better place, she said she feels like my vibe is still the same as when we broke up and she believes that I still need to just focus on myself, she also says that she's a bit impatient and wanted me to have "IT" all together.. I agreed with her and we went about our days.

 

I do truly believe that I'm in a much better place.. But I know that personal growth never stops so I can benefit from additional growth..

 

My question is would it be best to continue going out with her periodically since she's currently open to it while continuing to demonstrate to her through our dates that I am growing without pressuring her to reconcile or would NC be best in this situation? Thanks in advance

 

Sounds like she is a user. Who takes gifts from someone they have no interest in being in a relationship with? Heck, I'd be loath to take that many gifts even if I was totally into the guy. Relationships are about enjoying each other's company, not seeing how much one party can spend on the other.

[morrowrd]

You're not in a good place. She broke up with you and you're clinging on to her like a life preserver. Buying gifts, spending in general, begging for attention, and she pretty much dismisses you each time. You are unable to stop yourself from contacting her in spite of this treatment..... yet you want her (and us) to believe you're in a better place?

 

Tell me, why do YOU think you're in a better place?

 

Being in a better place would be being able to maintain leaving her alone, and working on yourself.

[pidgeon1010]

She is taking advantage of your weakness and feelings for her. I could never accept gifts from a guy I was no longer interested in. That should tell you a lot about her character. Grow a backbone and move on. You think you're earning points with her with all that you're doing but it's doing the opposite. She has you right where she wants you- she can hang out with you on her own terms and get freebies. Please value yourself more.

[Dashottcalla]

You're not in a good place. She broke up with you and you're clinging on to her like a life preserver. Buying gifts, spending in general, begging for attention, and she pretty much dismisses you each time. You are unable to stop yourself from contacting her in spite of this treatment..... yet you want her (and us) to believe you're in a better place?

 

Tell me, why do YOU think you're in a better place?

 

Being in a better place would be being able to maintain leaving her alone, and working on yourself.

 

I'm in a good place in comparison to who and what I was displaying at the end of the relationship and a week or so after the break up.. I was a mess and made more of a mess by clinging and asking her multiple times to try again.. The amount of gifts were a mistake, but I did feel like since she was accepting them that she would notice more of my positive side and decide to see if I really changed the negative attributes I was displaying.. I have no problem with investing in her but I do see now that it did show weakness..

 

I know the way she's acting towards me currently is because of how I initially handled the breakup.. So she feels as though I'm still carrying those negative traits I started to display.. I know I'm not coming from the same place and wouldn't bother if I knew I was..

 

I have no problem with not contacting her.. I haven't heard from her since yesterday evening and don't feel even a slight urge to contact her.. I just wanted to make the best move going forward whether we get back together or not.. I feel great just wanted to know which would yield the best outcome

[Dashottcalla]

Sounds like she is a user. Who takes gifts from someone they have no interest in being in a relationship with? Heck, I'd be loath to take that many gifts even if I was totally into the guy. Relationships are about enjoying each other's company, not seeing how much one party can spend on the other.

 

She told me that she thought I was buying the gifts to be nice and because I wanted her to be happy and if she knew that I was buying it with hopes of getting back together she would not have accepted it.. I take all blame for that

[joseb]

What are you doing? Why on earth would you buy this girl that dumped you anything? Seriously, this is trully pathetic behavuour. Stop it already.

 

It doesn't even sound like it was a good relationship. You felt less happy, not yourself. Why would you even want to get back with her?

 

If I were you I would admit to her you were in a bad state and not thinking clearly, and now you are you realise it was dumb to buy her those things, and it would be better for all concerned if she returned them so you can get your money back. Seeing as he said she would not have accepted them, then she should be happy to give them back.

 

As to your original question, you are not dating her. It's over.

[introverted1]

She told me that she thought I was buying the gifts to be nice and because I wanted her to be happy and if she knew that I was buying it with hopes of getting back together she would not have accepted it.. I take all blame for that

 

Oh please.

 

I would stay well clear of someone whose happiness depended on me buying them an "apple watch, Canon camera, headphones, two sets of flowers, perfume, makeup, chocolate, wine" all in the space of THREE WEEKS!

 

Yes, you can take the blame for buying the gifts but the blame for accpeting them is all on her.

[Sweetfish]

I can truly say that I'm more aligned with the true me, the true me is relaxed, doesn't worry or show worry, I'm always more cool calm and collected than everyone around me.. While I was with her I veered off and became more emotional, more of a stickler and made issues of nonissues..

 

 

No... when you were around her you became your true self.

 

You are selfish and seek approval...but its neatly package into a fog of niceness.

 

 

Is this the same girl?

 

Before I came to her apartment she asks if I can bring her a mountain dew voltage soda, so of course I agreed and made my way to different stores trying to find it. I tried riteaid, cvs and 7-11, they all didn't have it. So I went to target, they had it but only in the pack of like 16. So I just get it. I get to her apartment and she said I didn't have to get all of those sodas, that they sold them in singles at the 7-11, I told her I was there as well as several other places and they didn't have any.

 

This is self approving behavior. Lets be honest...if you wanted a mountain dew would you travel to 4 stores to get one? Probably not.

 

I tell her that I'm being nice because that's who I naturally am when I really like somebody and I feel like they're special and they deserve it.

 

This is a double edge sword. I too am the same way...but you have to understand something... How do you develop a connection...how do you become a individual if you don't have any substance. If she literally can control you and get anything she wants from you...then you are no different than a remote control car.

 

So after that convo things were pretty much back to normal. Christmas comes and I have to admit that I went a bit above and beyond in the gift department. I got her some nice perfume, some candles, which she loves, a nice Bluetooth speaker since she loves music, some lip stick, an amazon fire stick, and a yoga ball since we had plans on working out together. I got her son a batman set, a football, a video game and a couple books. At the time she was overjoyed as well as her son, she thanked me and even made posts on her snapchat saying that I'm such a great guy. She invited to her house the next night in which we watched a movie and had sex.

 

 

Is this the person you want to be... or can you admit you have a problem?

Are you ok with being a person with a problem and notably saying this is who you are with compassion? You are stuck with the need to make people happy for your own selfish returns and you cannot fall in love in this manner..ever!

 

Though this girl dates a--holes. Her heart is telling her this isn't right.

 

 

You need to really think about how your going to move forward... if your going to keep being nice for self approval or just do the things you want to do... that is the difference.

 

Yes, it hard. I have impeccable patient, I was brought up by both my father and mother to be neat and iron your clothes. To do well in school. To be polite to others. Unfortunately, in first world countries like the USA or Canada and Europe being nice doesn't get you far.. its how you connect with people that matters.

[Marc878]

Your X is right you're not strong enough for her.

 

You come off as needy, clingy. A hanger on type