9 months of dating, 4 days no contact

[loosingme31]

confused and sad,and needing some advice. Sorry for the long post and possibly some grammatical errors:)

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. He is 52 and I am 34. I met him at work, he is the evening receptionist at my job, but works on the same floor as me at another agency during the day.

 

We were casual friends first. he was there for me when I was going through alot with my then boss. Our friendship blossomed and we began dating. However I was casually going on dates with other guys here and there, but right away he told me that I shouldnt go on anymore dates and I need to just concentrate on him. It was like a ultimatum and I hesistated because I hardly knew him, but eventually told him I would only see him.

 

It was a rough start, but he pampered me, cook or me, got me flowers often, went to the doctor with me when I was sick, listened to my problems at work, I did nice things for him as well. He was super affectionate, and told me all the time how beautiful he thought I was. We couldnt keep our hands off each other. It bothered me a little that we couldnt go on too many dates because he was going through a hard time financially so could only take me out about 2 a month and I would offer to take him out too. but he did little things for me and I appreciated them and vowed to not let the fact that I made more money than him affect our relationship. Sometimes it bothered me but I pushed it aside because money isnt everything. A few times I almost broke up with him, but he told me he loved me and would never give up on me unless I walked away. He fight to keep me in his life, and I told him everyday how much I appreciated him and how handsome I find him.

 

We went on a short vacation together,we got into a argument during the trip. He said some very disrespectful things and I slapped him. I know it was so wrong and I felt horrible about it. After I slapped him he hit me 3 times in the face. I cried, he cried, but we made up and vowed to never hit each other again.

 

Over the course of our relationsip, we got into some pretty bad arguments, but we always got through it. sometimes he was so disrespectful, I would say I feel like slapping you and he told me he would break my hands. Sometimes when he fight,I would walk up to him because he was being so mean and he would push me by my throat or try to grab me when I wasnt even going to hit him at all. We had 1 or 2 more incidents where we both got a little violent with each other. I felt so horrble because I dont like violence at all.

 

We got through these bad spot and he told me everyday he loved me. He would come over, cook for me, I would cook for him and we were like the best of friends. Every morning for 9 months, I got an I love you text, and sometimes he would text me in the morning to remind me to take my glasses or that I might need an umbrella.

 

He didnt pressure me for sex and waited for almost 6 months before we had sex for the first time. He had issues with staying hard, but I overlooked it and he went to see his doctor to see what he could do.

 

My issue with him was that he got angry easilyand became very disrespectful. Lttle things pissed him off and he would say mean things and say alot of curse words. When we first started dating, he told me he doesnt like cursing but then he began cursing alot. When he was upset, it was hard to calmn him down, but when he did, he would apologize and we would move on. We were making plans for the furture and I really wanted this relationship to work because I loved him and I felt he loved me. I would say hurtful things too because I just didnt understand why he got so upset over minor things. I allowed him to bring out the worst in me. I am super playful and love to laugh, and he knows how light hearted I am.It also bothered me that at 52, he had no friends, not even 1. Also he is a avid collector of movies and other things, his collection was so big, yet he didnt have a couch or tv in his apartment, though he has been there for almost a year.

 

one Monday, I was sick and he came over to take care of me, He cooked for my daughter, brought me soup and salad, and nurse me back to health. The Next morning, I woke up and made us breakfast before we both left to work together. We rode the train, kissed alot as we always do and had great conversation. When we got to work there was a few packages for him and I jokenly said how are you buying so much stuff but telling me you cant afford for us to go on dates like that. I was light hearted when I said this, he replied telling me to shut the **** up and he walked into his job and I walked into mine. I really didnt think he was mad. I looked at my phone and realized the day was almost over and he didnt call me at all. I call him and it just rang. I called him again and it went to voicemail, I send him a text, no reply. I called his job and the phone just rang. I realized only when I called from my phone, it went to voicemail So I realizied he blocked me. I did send a few angry text, and then I just left it alone.

 

Its been 4 days of no contact. I hear his voice at work when he walks in, but he doesnt walk around to say hi to everyone like he normally does. When I leave the office he is still there and he sees my back when I leave because he sits in the front, but he never stops me to talk, he just ignores me. I didnt approach him at work because I felt he didnt want anything to do with me and I have dignity.

 

I am just confused. Even if he doesnt want to be with me anymore, I wish he would have just called me and say it, But to ignore me after 9 months of telling me that he loves me and want me to be his wife, just breaks my heart. He knows we have to see each other at work, so i dont understand why he wouldnt try and break it off in a way that would allow for a better transition back co workers. It's so hard knowing everyday that he is on the same floor as me , but can just ignore me. I just dont understand. I have alot of stuff at his house, but I am not sure he wil allow me to get them. All I wish is for us to have a conversation so that work wont become asource of stress for us both. Help!!!!!!

[ASG]

I don't understand why you aren't talking to him in lerso when you actually see him every day. No one here can tell you what happened or how to get your stuff back, but him.

 

What I can say, is that you speak to him regarding getti g your belongings back and that's it. Your relationship is over, because he clearly doesn't respect you, if he just stops all contact after 9 months.

[loosingme31]

As hard as it is to hear ASG, you are right. I guess I dont know how to ask for my stuff, which is mostly clothes. I guess I am afraid he will bring all my stuff and leave them in my office and I am afraid to come in the morning and see them all there since he is the last to leave at night. We kept our relationship secret because of the work place and I just dont want anyone to be in my business.

Sigh. thanks for the reply.

[olivetree]

Your relationship sounded very unhealthy and toxic.

 

Once you go down the slippery slope of telling each other to eff off, name call and resort to physical violence, there really isn't any going back.

 

Be glad this ended so you can move on.

 

Move onto a relationship with someone younger who can 'keep it up', and perhaps someone who can afford proper dates once in a while. Of course it will be partly up to you to make sure that it doesn't become toxic and dysfunctional again.

[loosingme31]

Thanks Olive. Indeed the relationship was unhealthy. Violence is wrong and I am ashamed of the things I did. I guess i just wanted atleast a healthy breakup. If i didnt work with him i wouldnt care to have abetter break up, but I see this man everyday. Might be time to find a new job. sigh

Edited December 10, 2016 by loosingme31

[strawberryshortstack]

Thanks Olive. Indeed the relationship was unhealthy. Violence is wrong and I am ashamed of the things I did. I guess i just wanted atleast a healthy breakup. If i didnt work with him i wouldnt care to have abetter break up, but I see this man everyday. Might be time to find a new job. sigh

 

I agree with what's already been said, but would also like to add that you need to stop taking all the responsibility for the toxicity of the relationship. He was just as much to blame as you.

[joseb]

Nobody needs to read past "he hit me three times in the face".

That's it, you walk away immediately and never speak to him again.

OK, so you slapped him first, that's wrong, and you need to not do that too, but regardless.

 

This is a good example of why all these things that women say they look for - lots of compliments, guys doing things for them, flowers, not pushing for sex- none of them are themselves any indication of integrity, and are in fact often used to mask anger and other issues.

Edited December 10, 2016 by joseb

[gaius]

You were dating a genuine loser, one who know's he's a loser and is angry about it. And when you date an angry loser they generally at some point start to direct that anger in your direction. Hence the totally disrespectful way of dumping you. Over something trivial and petty. His impotence is your fault you see.

 

You need to date winners from now on. Don't quit your job, find one and parade by his feminine reception desk with him every day.

[Satu]

You're better off without each other.

 

Relationships like that are exhausting; you end up with adrenal glands like little shrivelled peas.

 

They make you feel old.

 

I've been there.

 

The good is good, but its never good enough to make the bad go away.

 

You're free of it now.

 

Walk into the sunshine.

 

 

Take care.

[Sara1989]

This guy is not only nearly 20 years older than you but he is a total loser.

 

Problems with sex, problems with money, problems with his temper, doesn't even have an sofa/tv in his home...wow I can understand the appeal

 

It sounds to me that you will take him back the minute he comes back around again, I am pretty sure he will as thats the cycle for abusive men like this but you are wasting your time.