Girlfriend keeps trying to 'test' whether i am controlling or not.

[alpo]

She is 35 and is absolutely obsessed with looking at half naked tattooed male models on the internet. I am not insecure about this in the slightest because i am also in the mold of the guys she is fawning over (i.e i am six foot plus with muscles and tats lol) it just doesn't bother me in the slightest except for the fact she won't stop trying to test me with this stuff. It's getting boring now.

 

The last guy she was with who looked nothing like me or these model types (small stature, no tats, skinny etc) was supposed to be super controlling she wasn't allowed to see friends even family, wasn't allowed to accept anyone on facebook, say hello to any guy she knows in the street, he would go nuts if she wore revealing clothing etc the whole nine yards of controlling behaviour.

 

For instance she will tell me on the phone that a male friend of hers is staying the night because he works nearby the next day, she tells me about how she finds certain male models or celebrities hot or attractive or whatever and it's almost like she is looking to see if i react in the same way the other guy would. Outside she will point out some guy and say something like 'he's got nice tattoos hasn't he?' or something and then i feel like she is monitoring my reaction to this stuff, even though i could care less about it and have told her more than once that i am quite open about sex and such things as long as there is no cheating and going behind backs i am all for embracing sexiness and attractiveness.

 

Also, I even told her i prefer it this way. Like i said to her that my ex-girlfriend would hate it if i pointed out a girl in the street and admired her body or something my ex girlfriend would class that as being unfaithful or that i desired to be with that girl instead.

 

So along comes this woman and i find that we are both kind of compatible in this way, in that we both don't have any problem with talking dirty in public, we don't get jealous of each other having male and female friends, whatever. We like to look at girls on nights out and imagine them in a threesome with us etc

 

But she keeps consistently doing it and it's testing my patience a bit. Like we'll be doing something together and all of a sudden she'll just randomly say 'You know who i haven't spoken to in forever? and then add the name of a male friend' and the rest of the night she then keeps asking me 'Are you ok' and checking to see if she's upset me by bringing up the male friend.

 

Then she'll make a social media post about some male model or athlete captioned something like 'I don't care he could make me his anyday' etc just to see if i message her going mad about it like the ex guy would have done.

 

However at the same time it's like she is always trying to assure me that these male friends she has are just friends and she has known them for years and years and nothing romantic will ever happen with them and all the rest of it. Constantly she is reassuring me and checking whether she upset me or i am being funny with her.

 

What's the psychology behind it?

Edited December 9, 2016 by alpo

[Philosoraptor]

What's the psychology behind it?

*psychopathy

 

 

She's living in her past relationship and pushing the boundaries to find out where your breaking point is. You need to sit her down and have a conversation about this. If you're truly not bothered by her making a comment or two every now and then, great. Let her know that. But also let her know that this boundary testing behavior is unnecessary.

 

Let her know verbally what the boundary is. If looking is fine, great. If comments are fine, great. But she's slowly escalating. Don't be surprised if the next boundary pushed is when one of those males that spends the night at her place "just cuddled" a bit...

[PegNosePete]

But also let her know that this boundary testing behavior is unnecessary.

Not only unnecessary but jeopardising your relationship.

 

Being with someone who does this is no fun, as you've found out, hence the reason for posting here. When you explain the boundaries as suggested above I would also tell her that you're not her ex, and punishing you for his behaviour is not fair, and ultimately it will push you away.

 

It may be a long process to start trusting you and stop the testing/punishing behaviour, but if she can't see the root of the problem and isn't prepared to start trying, then I would have to consider whether this relationship is going to be a good one or not.

[JoeSmith357-1]

She's playing games and that should not be tolerated

[alpo]

Not only unnecessary but jeopardising your relationship.

 

Being with someone who does this is no fun, as you've found out, hence the reason for posting here. When you explain the boundaries as suggested above I would also tell her that you're not her ex, and punishing you for his behaviour is not fair, and ultimately it will push you away.

 

It may be a long process to start trusting you and stop the testing/punishing behaviour, but if she can't see the root of the problem and isn't prepared to start trying, then I would have to consider whether this relationship is going to be a good one or not.

 

Up until now I kind of brushed it off because i thought well the last guy was so possessive and controlling that it's probably natural that she would want to suss out me or whoever she got involved with next a little bit. But we've known each other a year now and been together for like 6-7 months of that year.

 

A couple of times I've even purposely got agitated with her about this and sent her a couple of cold or blunt messages, basically just letting her know I'm annoyed about it. Her reaction was to come back and say sorry and that she hopes i haven't been upset with her and can she please call me etc

 

It's weird because on the one hand she keeps insinuating that she never wants to lose me or make me mad/upset, but then a week or so later she's doing it again either directly or indirectly.

 

We were in a shop before and the kid who works behind the counter had something he was selling personally that he wanted to get rid of and so she took his number in order to conduct the sale and arrange collection of the item etc. The whole time after we left the shop she was going on about how her ex would have gone ballistic if he'd seen her take another guys number and she kept trying to reassure me that she'd only taken the damn number to arrange collection of the item - which was of course obvious to me anyway and didn't even require any explanation on her part.

[Patrice]

affection or attention as she needs. She is making a huge mistake playing the jealousy card, and you need to tell her that you don't like it.

[ChatroomHero]

I wonder if the last guy was really possessive or if she sh*t tested him all the time and he finally got mad. I have a strange feeling that if you talked to the guy he might say she did the exact same thing to him and for a while he didn't care and eventually he got sick of her doing it and suddenly became "the possessive ex". I mean it sounds like she is looking for an opening to label you as "possessive", not that much of a stretch that she did the same thing to him.

 

 

When people point out their ex's faults, I find they very often don't mention their own. When they act how they act with you, it's easy to assume it's damage from a past relationship but in my experience it is usually the exact way they acted in their previous relationship.

Edited December 9, 2016 by ChatroomHero

[alpo]

I wonder if the last guy was really possessive or if she sh*t tested him all the time and he finally got mad. I have a strange feeling that if you talked to the guy he might say she did the exact same thing to him and for a while he didn't care and eventually he got sick of her doing it and suddenly became "the possessive ex". I mean it sounds like she is looking for an opening to label you as "possessive", not that much of a stretch that she did the same thing to him.

 

 

When people point out their ex's faults, I find they very often don't mention their own. When they act how they act with you, it's easy to assume it's damage from a past relationship but in my experience it is usually the exact way they acted in their previous relationship.

 

I had thought the same thing, but what would be her motivation for doing that with each guy? I mean she seems to demonstrate clearly that she is serious about me and wants to keep me by her side at all costs. So why would she do that to me and also the previous guy if it drives us away?

[olivetree]

I had thought the same thing, but what would be her motivation for doing that with each guy? I mean she seems to demonstrate clearly that she is serious about me and wants to keep me by her side at all costs. So why would she do that to me and also the previous guy if it drives us away?

 

I think she wants the reassurance of your jealousy.

[kismetkismet]

That is bizarre. That is more something that would be an issue with teenage girls or girls in their early 20s. It definitely made me suspect that she egged her ex on to illicit the jealous reactions.

 

Those seem to be the actions of someone that is insecure and maybe manipulative. Some people revel in their partner's jealousy because the partner's fear of losing them makes them feel in control.

[ExpatInItaly]

She sounds rather immature, honestly.

 

I think she is trying to provoke a jealous reaction as her misguided way of seeing if you really care about her. I don't think this is about a s*it test to see if you're controlling. She might weirdly take comfort in the fact that her man is jealous, which again, is an immature character trait.

 

Or, perhaps she's not as innocent as she seems. She could be going out of her way to reassure you that these male friends are just friends to distract you from the truth - maybe they are or have been more than friends. As someone else suggested, maybe her ex wasn't the problem at all. Maybe it was her and her behaviour that pushed him away.

 

Whatever the case, it obviously is bothering you. Tell her in no uncertain terms that it needs to stop and that she is jeopardizing the relationship by continuously testing your boundaries. She has moved from the realm of testing your limits to just disrespecting your previous request to stop.

[ChatroomHero]

I think she wants the reassurance of your jealousy.

 

Definite possibility. She could be very insecure, but I am not sure if aplo could ever do anything that could satisfy her need for reassurance.

 

 

Some people push others away when it gets too serious too. Not that it is their goal, but they have self destructive behaviors in serious relationships. It could be that or insecurity.

 

"and have told her more than once that i am quite open about sex and such things as long as there is no cheating and going behind backs i am all for embracing sexiness and attractiveness."

 

Or maybe she took this as you saying you want to be with other people or you being open to being with other people and she is not really good with that? She doesn't trust you only want to be with her? Just a guess.

[central]

You might tell her that if she keeps testing your limits, eventually she may break the relationship. Her insecurity may be prompting this behavior, and it could be to keep you at a distance so she won't be hurt if you do turn out to be what she fears. Unfortunately, at some point she may create the very problem she wants to avoid.

[smackie9]

There's no way IMO she is "testing" you. The way I see it, you have already proven to her you are not going to get all crazy on her....how much more proof does she need?

 

 

 

I think she would like a little jealousy/protectiveness from you to feel desired and appreciated. That's what she is trying to do.

 

it's kinda bothering her that you don't bother lol. She wants to know that you do care......

[ElizabethIII]

She is 35...wow.

 

I would say she wants you to be bothered by it too. Does anyone really want a partner who doesnt care that we look at other guys, etc. We want to feel wanted and that they want us all for themselves.

[phineas]

tell her you are sleeping over when her friend sleeps over.

That should give her a healthy dose of you being jealous and you being able to meet her guy friend.

 

if she don't like that idea joking ask her "why? you planing on banging him?"

if she says no then tell her cool, you'll be by for dinner.

 

She will either finally be satisfied or dump you.

from the sound of things its a win/win.

[Alamo657]

She sounds like a drama queen and a manipulative insecure person. Not worth the energy. I bet her ex was not controlling as much , but she makes men angry. On purpose.

[joseb]

I wonder if the last guy was really possessive or if she sh*t tested him all the time and he finally got mad. I have a strange feeling that if you talked to the guy he might say she did the exact same thing to him and for a while he didn't care and eventually he got sick of her doing it and suddenly became "the possessive ex". I mean it sounds like she is looking for an opening to label you as "possessive", not that much of a stretch that she did the same thing to him.

 

 

When people point out their ex's faults, I find they very often don't mention their own. When they act how they act with you, it's easy to assume it's damage from a past relationship but in my experience it is usually the exact way they acted in their previous relationship.

 

Whenever I hear stories about bad exes my guard goes up.

I've seen sooo many women use this excuse for really ****ty behaviour.

 

Not sure what I would do, but I know that this kinda cr@p gets really old after a while. How is the relationship generally?

[spiderowl]

She seems to be trying to make you jealous I have a suspicion that her behaviour with her previous 'controlling' boyfriend was not as innocent as she makes out. If she is doing this with you, she probably tried the same thing with him and then complained bitterly when he got annoyed. It would annoy any genuine partner to have their beloved gazing at other men/women's bodies, pointing them out in the street, and talking about other possible rivals a lot.

 

You think she is doing this to test you. I think she is but not because of the way her ex was. I suspect it is a pattern of hers and she wants a predictable reaction of you getting jealous Why not talk with her about the appropriateness of this and why she is doing this. Ask her if she is trying to make you jealous? One thing is for sure, she is doing this on purpose.

 

It seems to me a bit like a kid playing with a beetle or something. They poke it to see what the reaction is and then watch it squirm. You are doing your best not to squirm so she'll probably do it all the more. She has a problem and you are getting the brunt of it. I agree with other posters; she is testing the boundaries of what you will put up with in the way of disrespect from her. I do think you need to put her firmly but politely in her place by telling her such behaviour is unnecessary and annoying and you expect better of her.

Edited December 10, 2016 by spiderowl

[LargoLagg]

Why do you allow her to do that?

 

Get it?

[Sweetfish]

There's no way IMO she is "testing" you. The way I see it, you have already proven to her you are not going to get all crazy on her....how much more proof does she need?

 

 

 

I think she would like a little jealousy/protectiveness from you to feel desired and appreciated. That's what she is trying to do.

 

it's kinda bothering her that you don't bother lol. She wants to know that you do care......

 

 

this is a test... i repeat this is a test;)

[bachdude]

This is similar to what others have said, but I have a sense that she is very insecure in relationships and for whatever reason, seeing her boyfriend jealous helps those insecurities.

 

Of course, it is only a temporary relief, so she has to keep repeating it because it doesn't get to the root of her insecurity issues.

[Logo]

Was she always like this?

[alpo]

Thankx for all the replies. The relationship when it's good generally is pretty good, pretty flowing. She has kids and i have kids and they get along with each other fine, we take them on outings together, we have good nights out and time to ourselves. I stay at her place Saturdays and some week nights too. We still have nice long non-boring chats on the phone nearly every day, The usual stuff.

 

One thing is she has openly admitted to me a few times that she has only been in lots of temporary relationships since she and the kids father split (this was like nearly 10 years ago) and she said when she starts to fall too deep or get too close she pulls away. She's afraid of commitment.

 

I have seen pictures of most of these exes and they are literally nothing at all like me or any of these model/fitness types she's always drooling over. Most of these guys are badly out of shape, old, very young, and have no tattoos (she is obsessed with tattoos) and she openly admits they were disposable and she could have sex with them and disgard them because they were nothing more than fun to her. She insults these guys and calls them fat morons etc and says that they were too nice and never gave her any space. Said she enjoys the fact i am not on her 24/7 and that i don't smother her.

 

She has told me that she turned down an engagement proposal from one guy because she didn't love him. She tells me about how all these guys wanted her deeply but she never felt 'that way' about them and didn't want to lead them on to thinking it was more than sex/fun. But again she assures that she likes me so much and when we first met she had the butterflies in stomach and all the rest of it. She can't believe i came along. The thought of me never seeing her again makes her tear up in front of me. Said she has thoughts that she's not good enough for me and it makes her cry when she's alone. But in public she puts on a tough exterior so nobody can see she is broken inside.

 

So does this mean she is purposely trying to sabotage it because she's scared of commitment or thinks she's not good enough for me? If so, why do it in this way? I don't get jealous and possessive about the same stuff as her ex did and she knows that by now, so why continue? I'm just not seeing the correlation here.

 

I should point out that i have made a stand with her a couple of times regarding hot and cold behaviour towards me (one minute putting me on some kind of pedestal and making me feel like i'm special the next minute completely cold and distant) at one point i effectively walked away and ended things even removed her from my Facebook. But she always comes back and apologizes profusely and we wind up reconnecting again. It's like a power struggle of stubbornness of who will break first and get back in touch with the other and it's always been her so far.

[Sweetfish]

Thankx for all the replies. The relationship when it's good generally is pretty good, pretty flowing. She has kids and i have kids and they get along with each other fine, we take them on outings together, we have good nights out and time to ourselves. I stay at her place Saturdays and some week nights too. We still have nice long non-boring chats on the phone nearly every day, The usual stuff.

 

One thing is she has openly admitted to me a few times that she has only been in lots of temporary relationships since she and the kids father split (this was like nearly 10 years ago) and she said when she starts to fall too deep or get too close she pulls away. She's afraid of commitment.

 

I have seen pictures of most of these exes and they are literally nothing at all like me or any of these model/fitness types she's always drooling over. Most of these guys are badly out of shape, old, very young, and have no tattoos (she is obsessed with tattoos) and she openly admits they were disposable and she could have sex with them and disgard them because they were nothing more than fun to her. She insults these guys and calls them fat morons etc and says that they were too nice and never gave her any space. Said she enjoys the fact i am not on her 24/7 and that i don't smother her.

 

She has told me that she turned down an engagement proposal from one guy because she didn't love him. She tells me about how all these guys wanted her deeply but she never felt 'that way' about them and didn't want to lead them on to thinking it was more than sex/fun. But again she assures that she likes me so much and when we first met she had the butterflies in stomach and all the rest of it. She can't believe i came along. The thought of me never seeing her again makes her tear up in front of me. Said she has thoughts that she's not good enough for me and it makes her cry when she's alone. But in public she puts on a tough exterior so nobody can see she is broken inside.

 

So does this mean she is purposely trying to sabotage it because she's scared of commitment or thinks she's not good enough for me? If so, why do it in this way? I don't get jealous and possessive about the same stuff as her ex did and she knows that by now, so why continue? I'm just not seeing the correlation here.

 

I should point out that i have made a stand with her a couple of times regarding hot and cold behaviour towards me (one minute putting me on some kind of pedestal and making me feel like i'm special the next minute completely cold and distant) at one point i effectively walked away and ended things even removed her from my Facebook. But she always comes back and apologizes profusely and we wind up reconnecting again. It's like a power struggle of stubbornness of who will break first and get back in touch with the other and it's always been her so far.

 

Watch out with this one...She has kids right and obviously one of the men she was with got her those kids.

 

So what your telling me sounds wishy-washy to me. Sounds like her feelings are all over the place.

 

Once she gets used to you... I bet naturally she will try to put you thru the ringer.

 

For instance she will tell me on the phone that a male friend of hers is staying the night because he works nearby

 

 

this is RED flag.. true or not...