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Girlfriend Of One Year Trust Issues (in general}; Help!


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Sorry this may be a little long.

 

My girlfriend is almost 23 and I'm 29.

 

We met a year ago in September. My ex girlfriend of 7 years dumped me for the fourth time. On and off unhealthy relationship. I was driving around and stumbled upon the coffee shop where my now girlfriend worked.

 

I ended up frequenting there a few times over the next month. WE had a few conversations when the shop was slow and she was wiping tables. I thought she was really nice. In mid October, I found myself really attracted to her so I asked her if she was single. SHe said yes and asked if she'd be interested in hanging out. At first she hesitated and then agreed. So we exchanged numbers.

 

We texted back and forth for two weeks. At first she made excuses like she was busy. I thought she was playing hard to catch or maybe she was nervous but I wanted to hang out. At the time half to get to know her better and half to forget about my ex.

 

We finally agreed to meet a low key restaurant. We had a good conversation. I tried to show some subtle signs that I wanted kiss her. But she acted uninterested. At the end of the date I tried to lean in for a kiss but she just said she had a good time and we went our seperate ways. I thought for sure she wasn't interested and was just being polite.

 

Later that night she texted me saying she had a good time and wanted to hang out again. So we texted a bit and met up again the following week.

 

It wasn't until the third date, and a month in before we kissed. I had almost given up until that point that she friend zoned me but I enjoyed her company. But the kiss was a good sign.

 

After our fifth date I asked her if she was interested in being exclusive. I would have asked earlier but she is very reserved. It took about five date to get her really open enough to where I'd feel comfortable to ask her. She agreed.

 

Shortly after we became exclusive she told me a bit more about her life. SHe said she grew up in foster care from the time was 2 to 18 and was in atleast 25 foster homes. She admitted that it takes her awhile to really trust people. She admitted that I was the first man to ask her to go steady. Most stop talking to her after the first date or when they realize she didn't want to get laid. I told her I liked her for her.

 

Things in our relationship had been really slow. She didn't spend the nigt until three months in, and we didn't have sex until six months into the relationship. She told me she appreciated that I didn't make her feel bad for not being ready. She didn't meet my family until four months ago.

 

My family like her well enough. My mom says she seems really shy and reserved. She is but once you get to know the real her she is pretty amazing.

 

Which brings me to my question.

 

We had been together for about a year and things are going really well. WE have a trip planned together for a week in February, but I have noticed a few issues. Not really issues that are deal breakers but issues I'd like to help her with. She has very low self esteem. She had seen a councellor for a bit but stopped because of fiances. She seems lonely, has little contact with her family. She has a few friends but she just seems sad all the time.

 

When we are out hanging out she is happy, talkative and very funny. But when we are with my family, her brother, the only one of her family I met and even with friends she doesn't say much. She is quiet and won't initiate conversation. When I asked her about it she said she was afraid of saying the wrong thing and skrew things up.

 

I just want to know what I can do to help her out. What are things I can do or ways I can help reassure her she has nothing to worry about. I really see a future with this woman. She works, has her own place, we have similar interests. Very intimate and get along great.

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You need to research foster care, issues and things that happen to adults from foster care.

 

There has to be information about that stuff on Google.

 

Here is the main thing, And I want you to think about this. Do you really, really like this girl? Maybe love her, because if you don't stop seeing her now.

 

I guarantee that she has issues with abandonment. All children from these systems do, because they were abandoned. There may be abuse of some kind.

 

So what I am saying is if you are not sure you can take on the task, just don't. You will do so much damage to this person of you end up breaking up with her.

 

She will need to be in therapy for a while before she can get over some of these issues.

 

If you are sure, just love her. Let here know that you will not abandon her and be there for her. Be kind and gentile.

 

BTW, listen to a JJ Cale song called "sensitive kind". It will tell you some of what you need to know.

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Her trust issues are just that - hers. You can't fix them, or make her better. But you can support her on a journey to find freedom from the pain.

 

As Blues said, she has abandonment issues...25 different foster homes from 2-18? She could really benefit from help...from counseling or groups. Perhaps she can find a support group related to former fosters or abandonment. Even a group on grief may really help her. You will help her most by encouraging her to embrace help, and then walking alongside her. And never, ever doing something to cause her to doubt your trustworthiness.

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A lot of real love , commitment and stability. The exact opposite of what she knows.

 

What you see as shy an reserved is actually her being guarded. She has been so hurt that it's become a habit for her to be guarded. You don't try o break her walls. You tr to enter them and be a part of her life. The life whee she feels safe, even though it's not your life. Then you slowly come out together. It's going to need a lot of patience from you.

 

Build trust in everyday actions. When she feels anything that gives her a feeling ( she feels more than others) that you are not a safe person , her walls will go higher.

 

If you've come so far then you really do like her. It's a challenge at the moment but if it's worth it or not, only you can decide on that.

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Children shuffled around in the foster care system blame themselves. They think they must be bad because otherwise the foster parents would keep them, right? Kid logic.

 

From her POV, she was repeatedly rejected and abandoned because she wasn't good enough or said and did the wrong things. This is why she is so shy and reserved and a bit hard to get to know. This is why her self esteem is so low. She needs professional help and to be surrounded by people who will accept her and not reject or abandon her. If finances prevent her from receiving help, try to find a sliding scale clinic that charges based on income and/or support groups.

 

In my area, sliding scale clinics can be found on the county website under health and human services. In my area the county services are overwhelmed and some of the local churches are trying to pick up the slack. I know that the Catholic Church has faith based mental health services free or sliding scale, if either of you are religious. I am sure other religions also have some kind of groups meeting or offer mental health help, too.

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I want to point out I really really do love her. I had felt that truly in love feeling about three months in the relationship but waited until closer to five months to really say it. She seemed really surprised and even teared up. But she didn't say it until a month later. Not that I don't think she didn't feel it but others have pointed out she was guarded and probably rejected and just wanted to be sure.

 

While it has taken a lot longer to progress in the relationship I do have to say I learned a lot just by being with her. I learned a lot more tolerance, patients, and understanding. I came from a loving family and it really makes my heart hurt that she didn't get the same. She really does deserve it. I'm trying my best to be there for her and to show her that not everyone is going to up and leave her. There have been times I had said something out of habit that has been hurtful. I had apologized profusely. It's a learning process but I really feel she is worth it to take the plunge.

 

I have offered to pay for any counseling for her, but she refused to say that it isn't my obligation. I told her it wasn't an obligation but because I wanted to because I loved her and cared about her. She thanked me for my generosity but refused. I had convinced her and encouraged her to join a support group, and she does volunteer at the homeless shelter twice a month. But I do think she could benefit from some therapy but I'm not going to force her but prove to her that I'm here for her if she needs me.

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Google ' guarded girl '. You will see that she is THE girl. If you look back you say she was slow to the point that it looked like she was playing hard to get. She might have fallen for you before that but her guard told her to hold on. She probably has a mask on. Don't try to tear it. Accept it. It's her protective wall where she feels safe.

 

What you can do is look behind the mask and treat her like that. She is fragile behind the strong face.

 

Your words supported by actions will mean everything. Don't tell her that if she needs any help , you are there. She has probably learned to rely on herself. Become a part of her life in a way that next time instead of turning to herself ,she turns to you !

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Thanks everyone.

 

It is kind of hard. I want to be supportive and be there for her without overstepping boundaries. She said growing up the one thing she despised the most was not having control over her own life and having people decide what is best for her. I want to be there for her without smothering her and making her feel like I'm controlling her. She has come a long way since I met her.

 

This February in a way is another milestone. This will be our first vacation together. Right now we see each other two or three times a week. Almost every Friday night she stays over at my place as she lives 45 minutes away with four other roommates. She works shift work and doesn't drive. She has bussed over to my place but I much prefer and I have told her I prefer to pick her up because its safer, quicker and I like the extra time with her. We talk on the phone and text constantly. So spending a week together in February I think will really help push our relationship to the next level. She mentions on quite a few occasions since we made the plans at how excited she is.

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I agree with Blue. If it's hard for you then better break up now. Let her live in her safe place. Don't add to her hurt. You may be better off with someone more aggressive and open. This girl is work.

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My ex-girlfriend was the polar opposite of my current girlfriend. She was loud, very open, rude, vulgar and sexual. She had no problem embarrasing me in public. I sometimes wonder what kept me around. She had no problems being verbally abusive, flirty and sometimes didn't know when to stop. My parents didn't like her, my friends didn't like her and she kept on breaking up with me whenever I did something she didn't like.

 

Then I met my current girlfriend. We have more in common, she is more reserved, quiet and I find her a lot funnier. Sure things are going slow, but that is a good thing for the both of us. I'm fully over my ex and I'm really enjoying my time with my girlfriend. She is coming out of her shell and I'm learning more patience and learning what respect and love truly are in a relationship. Its refreshing to be a compliment and to give compliments. It feels amazing to be appreciated.

 

At times the relationship is hard. But what relationship that is healthy and special isn't. I love her and I feel loved by her. She may not be as affectionate and sexual as my ex but her intentions, her personality are genuine. And we click on both an emotional and intimate level. But as the relationship becomes more serious, the sex is becoming better, and that emotional connection is deepening.

 

I'm really looking forward to this February. I think it is just the thing we both need to take the relationship to that next level. But I just wish there was more I could do to make her feel more vulnerable and more trusting. I don't blame her for how she feels because of what she had gone through. Behind all those walls is someone truly spectacular.

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make her feel more vulnerable and more trusting. I don't blame her for how she feels because of what she had gone through.

 

You missed there ! She IS very vulnerable and a scared little thing! She is scared of love. While she herself is trustworthy, she needs time to trust you. In one year, tbh, you would usually know the entire history of not just the woman but her entire family and friends ! Most women are talkative and have no problem airing dirty laundry.

 

It's the emotions that will bond her with you. Gain her trust and then keep it. The relationship needs to progress steadily and not become stagnant. Do anything you feel right but don't call her out on her behavior. Keep her secrets. Don't tell them to anyone. You need to enter her safe area rather than expose it to others.

 

Sex with her will obviously get better. It will be more like feelings getting an outlet rather than the deed itself.

 

Lots of love and patience!

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lovemebreakme
You missed there ! She IS very vulnerable and a scared little thing!

 

I think what he means about vulnerable is that he wants her to trust him enough to be vulnerable toward him. Like, trust him enough to allow him into her safe place.

 

And my advice to you is. If you truly love her and want to be with her, then keep being there for her. For someone who is abandoned repeatedly, the trauma is real. Showing her through actions versus words is the best way to gain that trust. It sounds like you're already doing that.

 

And if you haven't. Has you talked to her about what you both want out of the relationship? It's a good thing to take things slow and take her feelings into account but is there an end goal you two both want? Marriage? Living Together? Children?

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When we are out hanging out she is happy, talkative and very funny. But when we are with my family, her brother, the only one of her family I met and even with friends she doesn't say much. She is quiet and won't initiate conversation.

 

It just takes time for some, understandable with her background.

 

My son's GF is the same way, laughing and talkative with him but very shy with us and in family groups. Regardless, she treats him well, the most important thing. I hope you feel the same way ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I know most of my girlfriend's friends. I've met the roommates, and she has a close friend who used to be her foster sister for a period of time. As for her family. She says she hasn't seen in her mom in seven years and she doesn't know who her biological father is. So besides her brother who she has an odd relationship with, I haven't met any of her family. I can't imagine she really knows who or where any of her family is if she spends her entire childhood in foster care.

 

As for her, I think I know quite a bit about the girlfriend. While I don't know much about her childhood because it isn't something she particularly wants to talk about much. She has talked about a few fond memories she had growing up. There were some physical abuse and a lot of emotional abuse she said. Not a lot of details but enough to know that some of the many homes weren't nicest people. Longest home she was was the first home she was in from 2 years old to 5 years old. They were going to adopt her and her brother until her mother got them back only to lose them less than a few months later. It had been moving around every 6 months to a year following that.

 

But as a person now I think I do know her quite well. I know her personality, her quirks for the most part, that she is a neat freak, shy, funny. Of course, I'm sure I'll learn more about her when we go on vacation and as time goes on.

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Your gf sounds pretty awesome. She has been through a lot in her life. You should feel special that you get to see all of her while many others do not.

 

Ultimately she will only be motivated to seek help and change if the way she is is not working for her.

 

If she hasn't said it's a problem for her, then really it's only a problem for you.

 

Just keep on loving her and have patience. Show her what true love and acceptance is.

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If she hasn't said it's a problem for her, then really it's only a problem for you.

 

Just keep on loving her and have patience. Show her what true love and acceptance is.

 

 

She definitely sees it as a problem. She was in counselling earlier in the relationship but she couldn't continue because she couldn't afford it and I offered and would still pay for it if she wanted to go back. She refused. In no way does it affect her ability to work, have a meaningful relationship as its proof because we are going strong.

 

I do think she feels a little inferior in some ways. She makes a little more than minimum wage, with barely passing high school where I have a decent paying job with some education. I do make a lot more money than her. I tell her all the time that she shouldn't feel that way. That I see her for her and that she shouldn't feel inferior but equal.

 

It has come a long way. She used to find it hard to come to me for anything. But now she'll call me when she is having a bad day. I still do most of the date planning but she does voice her opinion and will take her turn in picking what restaurant we go too. I'd like for her to be more assertive but over all, I like her the way she is. I don't want this to come across as a "me" issue when all I want is for her to be happy. I'm happy being with her and would be even more happy if she was happy. If anyone deserves that its her.

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She does trust you on some level otherwise she wouldn't have been with you for so long. That's a good sign.

 

Now, YOU know that she is guarded but she doesn't know that you know. Keep it that way. If you tell her or bring it up in the open , she will become more guarded. Treat her as if she is just shy. That way she gets to be herself and feel safe with you. It's all about emotional safety for her.

 

You have your age to your advantage since you are older. You may be feeling at a loss but trust me, all she needs is genuine love, nothing more.

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She does trust you on some level otherwise she wouldn't have been with you for so long. That's a good sign.

 

Now, YOU know that she is guarded but she doesn't know that you know. Keep it that way. If you tell her or bring it up in the open , she will become more guarded.

 

 

I don't doubt she doesn't trust me and I haven't or I really hope I haven't given her any reason not too. I have shown her I'm reliable. I'll be where I say I will be and if I'm late or can't make it I call her to let her know. I do things for her without being asked, I don't make promises I have no intentions of keeping. If I break a promise, I do whatever I can to make it up. I don't want to be another person in her life to let her down.

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I wish I could see her more than 2-3 times a week. I'm hoping after February's vacation things will progress quicker. We have talked a lot about the future. She wants a long term relationship, to have a family and she has made multiple comments about how she will give her children the life she never had, and slipped up a few times and said "our" children. So I know she is thinking about us.

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You are moving at her pace, that is what she needs from you. Talking, communicating, going out and having fun just the two of you, getting her to smile, those things will cause her to trust you more and open up. I'm guessing she's an introvert...google the term, there are millions of websites on the topic. These are people who have to really concentrate on navigation while in groups. They prefer to be by themselves or with one or two trusted people.

 

I think your relationship is on track. You're doing fine.

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DeeplyMissHer

One question that comes to mind and you didn't brief on was how you two handle a disagreement or argument. How you describe your girlfriend is someone who is guarded and hard to read. How does she handle an argument? If she has trust and self esteem issues how does that translate to handling conflict?

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I guess , you just need to keep it going the way it is and just like her this 'slip', she will automatically tell you things without you asking. What you do with the new knowledge about her , will tell her if she can confide in you or not. What you don't do is play on her fears , etc.

 

We all have a past which has made us the way we are. Some have to deal less while some more. She is hurt more than others while not letting it on.

 

She is very vulnerable. Being ' strong ' all the time is tiring !

 

I agree, how do you guys handle disagreements?

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